Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. III) (1000 Posts)

[Porffor]

As the title says - carried forward from first two threads.

I'm so inspired by your stories.

Why can't I do it?

There's been nothing in my relationship for years. He doesn't want yo share a bed. He's been unfaithful. I've tried to be the best mother possible to dd. I've asked him for nothing.

Yet he despises me. He has no interest in me, barely talks to me in a meaningful way apart from the odd snipe.

I think I'm too old and too broken...

Absolutely- No your not, don't think like that! I'm 37 and feel like I can't waste another 15 years being unhappy. I don't think I will ever have another relationship though, this one has put me off. I'm lucky because I have great family and friends so although I know it's going to be hard I will have real life support. This group is brilliant and everyone seems really kind and supportive. What do you feel is holding you back?

Absolutely you mustn't think that! It's not true - his horrible behaviour has affected how you view yourself - you can be much stronger than you think. Have you thought about counselling? That might help you feel stronger and improve your self esteem? I'm 38 and can't bear the thought of leaving this longer - but like Hair I can't ever imagine having another relationship! This has totally scarred me for life (along with all the other horror stories you read in the press about women meeting men!!)

Lego - it is so hard isn't it?! Clearly there's no right time to do it but I think 2 months of 'atmosphere' is better than 4 - though atmosphere is awful anyway as I'm so angry with him. Just trying to keep cheerful and happy with the kids as they've done nothing wrong!

bad I'm not sure, really. I thought I was so self -sufficient...I've been with him so long and I think I've settled. In fact, I think I settled years ago at around your age. I should have ended it then, I think, before dd came along.

He's a selfish man, really. Does what he likes, when he likes. It's easier now dd is older but I can't find well paid work now and I feel like I've been destroyed inside and can't deal with rejection any more.

I just don't know how to be happy any more so don't know where to start improving things.

Sorry x-post with addled.

My H does what he wants too - just decides to play with the kids once a week when he's in the mood otherwise ignores them. He never gets up with them and I am exhausted doing everything and having my sleep interfered with while I stress about what to do!!!

Absolutely- that sounds awful. Do you have any family or friends that can support you? Do you feel like you could be happy again if you left? It sounds like your just really worn down by everything.

Thanks, badhair. Yes, I'm worn down. I have some nice friends but most of my family have passed on.

I'm not sure about happiness, tbh-I'd prefer to put my energy into making sure dd is happy, for now.

She adores her dad. I'm not sure what/how to tell her about him. I think her loyalty would be towards him, rather than me.

How old is your daughter Absolutely? She will be happy if your both happy, that's what I'm telling myself anyway. My youngest said something the other day that really was the thing that pushed me to make a decision, it was about why other people's mums and dads are happy and don't argue but we are not. It broke my heart, I honestly didn't think the kids had noticed the atmosphere but they have. My parents divorced when I was 13, but they had limped along for years before and it was horrible. You deserve a life that your happy with, I hope you find a way out and start to see a light at the end of the tunnel x

Hi all, stepped away from the thread for a bit while we pursued a three-month course of intensive counselling. It got better for a bit but having come to the end, I feel like I've been acting and waiting for the other shoe to drop. And drop it did over the past few days. All the old issues, all the same stuff. Just with slightly better communications.

So we went to see our counsellor for our last session and I asked H to step out for a while. I told the counsellor that 've tried, I really have. But when do I open my eyes to the facts that I know deep down. I know.

I sometimes wish for something terrible to happen to H so I can get out of the marriage without being the bad guy. And how AWFUL is that.

I know that if it weren't for the kids, we would have broken up years ago.

I know that I would be happier on my own. I know that I don't love him.

I told the counsellor all of this, H came back in and we talked about the next steps.

But now I'm so, so scared. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I don't want to be in this relationship, but am I brave enough? I don't feel it today.

Sending big strength to all of you in this situation. It is quite honestly the most heartbreaking, demoralising, exhausting thing I've ever been through.

Lostandlonely you can do it! I know exactly what you mean by just knowing, I've known for ages but tried to ignore it and make other changes but in reality this is the thing that needs to change. I've ignored my gut feeling for years and it's never let me down in the past, I'm actually starting to see a little bit of the old me again.
It's so scary though to put the wheels in motion and I have had to resign myself that my ex and his family will use me as the bad guy.
At least you know you have tried everything to sort things out.
Good luck with everything, your stronger than you know!

Lost - well done you for doing the counselling and trying - I wonder whether we should try this but feel it's not going to work. Gut feeling is important and I feel myself ignoring it because to follow it feels so scary! Good luck - you can do it!

Lost you sound so strong!
I feel the same way - sadly. And that's minus counselling. My dad was going on about mediation tonight.

Just urgh.

Reading all your comments this feels like my life. I have felt this way for 3 years. And we go round in circles where I build up the courage to say this is over but the next day it's like nothing happened. He's well and truly in denial and just tells me that he thinks I'm ill. Then I start to think what if I am?!

Your not ill muddledmind, it's just a really hard, sad decision to make.

Tried to have the conversation tonight. Again I just get that I'm unhappy, I'm not willing to try ("try" here means continue on indefinitely as though things are fine), things will get worse before they get better.

Ugh I just feel exhausted and no further on than before. This is going to be a really long and difficult road, and he's going to make me feel I'm in the wrong every step of the way.

As I said before, financially we can't split for a few months anyway, but I'd hoped we could both start getting mentally ready for it. I think that really it's just going to be a case of having this conversation all over again.

I think... I just wanted shock, upset, trying to change my mind... But he doesn't take it seriously. So it's more of a sigh and a feeling of "are you going to talk about how you're still not happy again."

One of the reasons that I haven't ended my marriage is because I believe that ultimately he is a decent man and that I must be a bad person for not appreciating that. Then tonight we had a "discussion" about the legalisation of cannabis that wasn't even a discussion because as soon as I uttered my thoughts he went off on one calling me stupid and a terrible mother and I thought to myself that sometimes I wonder if I might even hate him. Then I realised that this has been the pattern for the last 20 years and I thought what the fuck am I doing? Why am I so spineless

I started to waver a it last night when we were discussing the house and kids. He just seemed so sad. I have to keep on reminding myself that I have bee I happy for years and we both deserve a chance to be happy again. I've downloaded a book and it is helping, it's called Heal and move on.

Thanks guys, you're all great. I might sound strong but I don't feel it. I woke up this morning in full-on bargaining mode - because I'd so scared of breaking everything up.

If someone handed me £20K now, I think the decision would be made. I think it's money that's stopping me from making the break.

H admits that there was a time we could've worked but he blocked me out and treated me with apathy. Our whole relationship has been about apathy and I feel like I deserve more, I want to be with someone who adores me and makes me laugh and drives me mad and makes me feel happy to be alive. But is that just some stupid ideal?

Badhair you're not wrong, it's the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Not that I'm even brave enough to make the damn decision.

Iron sorry you're still in a similar state of limbo, I really feel for you.

I feel for all of you

Hello, can I join?

I've been with H 15 years, married almost 9 years, one DS. To be honest, I don't know why I married him. We were unsuited from the start but both lonely and never got it together to separate. A wasted 15 years.

Anyway, I've told him that I want to separate. When I told him he didn't seem surprised, didn't even really try to talk it through. We've made plans to talk to mediators about the practical stuff and I feel like we're in limbo until then.

Things are awkward between us but only fractionally worse than they were before the 'separation' talk. We just don't get on. He's a good man, a decent father, a good provider but I'm not attracted to him and don't like him that much. I never wanted to do anything with him - in fact I didn't do things I wanted to do because he'd expect to do them with me and I didn't want to spend time with him. Years of never looking forward to a holiday, a day out, anything, because I had to do it with him.

I'm afraid he's going to get nasty about practical stuff. I just wish this was sorted. I want to move on with my life now.

Hi Magnum!
You are so brave also! Sounds like he saw it coming - you never know, he might be reasonable once he's had time to process??

I hope everyone else is doing ok? I just don't know how you all manage to be so strong! Every time I get close to talking to H my Monday goes blank! I'm so exhausted now I don't know where to start!! Having your posts is slowly giving me more strength though, so thank you!

*memory not Monday!

Hi all. Well I've got my keys. It's all real. The whole process of setting up home while trying to sort out things amicably with dh, keeping things normal for the dcs and dealing with a range of reactions from family and friends is exhausting. I really like the new house but it's another thing making it into dcs home. That's scary, I'm afraid they won't like it or see it as second best to their real home.
It's a step ahead though.
Strength to you who aren't there yet. The weight is heavy now but there is light.

Well done on getting so far shandybass. That stage still feels so far away here. I have the same worries about a new home feeling second best for children, though I'm sure they'll actually be fine. Here there are lots of logistical reasons why it would be better for DH to move out, but given that he thinks we should be staying together despite everything I very much doubt I'll be able to get him out, the only way to actually end things will be for me to leave.

How do you start the talk with a husband who is in complete denial about our relationship. I told him I do not feel married anymore and his answer was to buy me stuff . I just cringed really . He has not given me a valentine card in 25 year and now he gave one full of nonsense . He does not shower , brush teeth , he smokes and no matter what I can't get him to change . After all these years I realise now I do not want change but want out . But I'm afraid to tell him , to see the hurt look on his face and I worry what he will do .

He does nothing to help at home , has never been involved in the children's life and I really believe he thinks marriage is all about me cooking cleaning and putting a dinner in front of him . He eats in front of the Tv , I eat alone when kids not here . I sleep alone because of the hygiene . Im so sad and lonely and not want to live another 25 years in this excuse of a marriage .

Just so scared to tell him