Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. III) (1000 Posts)

[Porffor]

As the title says - carried forward from first two threads.

Iron that is so shitty. Although the frustrations spilling over, kids getting the brunt of anger sounds familiar as well as feeling your losing your mind. These are all reasons why I am leaving dh. These situations are intolerable for all and unless there's a resolution you both can work towards, there is only out as an option. This is what keeps me on my lonely narrow painful road to separation. I'm getting there.

Help is anyone up? I've been told twice tonight that people have been asking if we're splitting up? We've told close family and friends but not the dcs. I was thinking of doing it next week before the holidays, but now I'm thinking it's going to have to be now. Dh is against it as we've a lot on parties, games and get togethers but I can't stand the thought of them finding out by idle gossip.
I've not yet got a house secured and dh is still recovering from his injury and can't drive.
Advice and handholding needed pleaaase.

Shandybass, I would do it as soon as possible to avoid the dcs hearing from elsewhere... I dreaded this part but it just kind of happened here...I had been reasonable open and honest about the possibility of it happening and that made it easier. I'd broach it in a 'what do you think it would be like if me and dad lived apart ' way, and let them do most of talking instead of giving them a speech. Most important thing is to listen to them, and settle their fears or worries...if he doesn't agree with your need to tell them I'd still open conversation with them..good luck

Didnt want to read and run, so quickly - my feelings are same as hurley, much better they hear from you sooner than from someone else. Google the best way to tell them, agree an approach with dh - good luck

Shandy that is so strange I had someone tell me a school mum had been asking about me. Why do people have to gossip?
You can do this Shandy, you really can

Thank you Iron, Hurley and Que. I know and it's always the ones who hardly know you that speak so loosely about sensitive stuff.
Dh and I are going to tell them tomorrow night and I told a trusted teacher in case something was said and for after.
Hurley I'd like to take the what do you think type introduction but I don't think I can take the risk if they say no, no way we're not living like that. It's going to happen sometime. The unknown timing worries me but may help depending on their reaction.

Hope everyone's good.

I am so, so tired of this now. I was invited out tonight but I was "no, must go home and try". I went shopping with DD and back. Started telling him about something that happened in work. Totally disinterested and sat on PC as per usual.
I can't do this anymore! But I can't find a way out!
I don't sleep in my bed. I don't sit on my sofa. I can't relax in my house.
Please someone tell me this is dead in the ground??

Iron that's what I'm looking forward to, just peace and to be able to relax. And even have a laugh being silly.
Trying is good but it needs to be both of you and things need to change otherwise it's no good.
I tell my kids always try as hard as you can and don't give up, getting to the end is the important thing and winning is a bonus.
Hollow words when you're in a relationship and not both of you are trying or are pulling in opposite directions.

Well first evening in house just me and girls! It's been a long day, his move was chaotic, I was working but came back to a total shit hole here, food and dirty plates in all rooms..rubbish left lying.. Think it was his immature parting shot. I feel nothing but relief and calm, my Dds are settled and happy with both houses, and feel we can be ourselves in this one from now. Lots of things to be settled, but I've got head space now. Here's to all of us

Hurley wow that's amazing, congratulations!

Hi, can I join. I have just told my dh that or marriage is over. We have been living virtually separate lives for the last 5 years. No intimacy for a long time, we have two dd's and I know for sure they will be much better emotionally living with us separately. I don't want how they see our marriage to be how they think all marriages are!
He has agreed. He has desperately tried to get me to try again. We never argued, we rarely talked to be honest.
So now we are at the talking point. We plan not to tell the kids until a couple of weeks before he moves out. I am very organised because I have been doing this in my head for a very long time!

Huge relief for you Hurley.
Welcome lullabye and good luck with the split.
My dcs are slowly adjusting to the news of our split. We, or rather me with dh in the room, told them a little earlier than planned because of idle gossip about our impending split being bandied around.
Dh is still consumed with his own 'poor me' feelings and family are ignoring the dcs comments and questions is difficult. I feel like the only grown up amongst them willing to try and help them through the process and answer their questions. No wonder children suffer with this ignoring attitude. But I am feeling the strain. At least I slept last night and so feel stronger.
Strength and hugs to all.

Thanks. We haven't told many people yet. No close friends so should be all good.

Wow Hurley - many congratulations to you and your DD's
Shandy - keep strong.

Welcome Lula. This is a great support thread.

Well we dug up a pile of memories last night and I actually had a nice evening with him and slept in my bed as DD told me to "sleep in your bed or on the sofa" Just plodding on I guess again...

First off thank you all for this post.
Husband useless, when discussed separating and the assets he wanted the TV and PlayStation and I could have everything else (which shows you a little of where his thoughts currently are).
My question currently I live in London but all my family (mum, dad, aunts, cousins, grandparents) are in Ireland. I would move as the thought of being a single parent in London is too hard. I know he won't visit very often (even if he says he will) and if/when another lady involved the visits will become less and less.
I don't think I love him and after 10 years of washing/cleaning etc... with very little help and support and he had an affair. Should I cut my losses and pack up and move to make a better life for me and my DD (2 yo) or try counselling and see if anything will change.
I know I can't stay just for my DD but do I owe it to her to try or will it just be a waste of money?

Hi Lula and wantsto this post is therapy! I think if you don't love him it's done, my test was realising that I would feel no jealousy or sadness if he was with OW. Had a weekend of cleaning up after his chaotic move, and reorganising this place, dds totally fine..very straightforward about things. So far so good... Hope you are all ok,

Thank you Hurley and hope you can now enjoy YOUR space.
I think this will be (eventually) what I will love the most, just relaxing in my space on my own with no shit, but hard times ahead I feel.
Thank you all again for this post, it's a life line x

God. I am SO depressed it's Valentines Day tomorrow and I am in exactly the same place as I was a year ago. Fuck me life is extremely difficult and fucked up....

Been lurking on these threads for a while not brave enough to post. Been with DH 14 years, married for 7 this year. 1 DC. As per previous poster I had been in an abusive relationship and had been single a while when I met DH. I thought I was running out of time (at only 23 FFS - my DM bless her, one for another thread!) He was calm and supportive and adored me. I thought I could ignore the lack of chemistry I felt and how little we had in common.

Over a decade later he's kind, supportive, does loads for me and helps loads round the house and is the best Dad. But I feel nothing more than familial love for him and don't fancy him or want sex. We've DTD about twice in the last year. He doesn't ask or initiate either. I told him how I felt two years ago and he left but came back later same day. He thinks it's normal to kind of co-exist when you have kids and says we just don't have enough time in the day with DC and my animals. Maybe he's right. I don't know anymore. I talked to him again last night and we're going to try and do a date night system to see if it helps but I still feel dead inside.

I have loved somebody else for years but won't leave for him. I need to leave knowing I'm strong enough to be alone and to live and co-parent alone. I'm considering when DD is settled at school I can change my hours to do more so I can support myself better. But who on earth leaves a kind supportive man and forces him to give up time with his child just over chemistry? Am I asking too much? Is this enough?

Hi all,

It's been a while since I last posted. Welcome to all the new ladies and hi to the regulars.

Congrats on making it happen Hurley! You must feel a huge sense of relief. Please keep us posted on how things go. It's good for us to know there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Iron - sorry there hasn't been much change. You've been in the awful limbo stage for so long. I wish something would come along and force the issue for you as it sounds like you still can't find the answers you're looking for

I'm still plodding on in limbo land myself. We had a pretty nice Christmas and I was starting to feel like things might improve but then DH decided to book himself a two week cycling holiday without consulting me which has set things back again. He's away at the moment and I don't miss him at all which is not a good sign. The house is so peaceful, not to mention tidy!

I have just got myself a new job with much better pay so I'm in a stronger position financially to deal with a split. Although the thought of starting a new job on top of dealing with a break up seems unbearable for my mental wellbeing

To those of you missing the 'spark' in your marriage. I can say I chose my DH because of the 'spark' I felt for him even though I knew he had some selfish traits and didn't always put me first. At this point, I would love to be with someone who values me, puts me first and pulls their weight. I think I've got the opposite problem of most of the women in here!

x

Hi Halfway. So you've still got spark? There's hope surely?
I was asked was that my problem. The spark had gone. I said I'd settle for some common kindness. Flippant but where I'm at.
Having said that dh and I are getting along better now. The kids know we're splitting and I'm trying to envisage how friendly we can be post split. Could we manage a joint holiday in a caravan and tent or an o being delusional.
The dcs are asking us to be nice and talk to each other post split. Can this work I'm thinking?
Love to all.

Hi all. Things very nasty between him and I at the moment. He is saying he wants 60% of the assets when we sell as he has put more in. I explained that it doesn't work like that and legally I am actually entitled to a higher proportion although I'm trying to be fair to him and split 50:50 so we both have a chance of rebuilding our lives afterwards. He refuses this completely and refuses to consider mediation to discuss as apparantly I won't listen to anything he says anyway. As this is all my doing and what I want I should pay all estate agents and give him 60%

He is willing for us to waste money on solicitors to argue this out than actually come to an agreement. I really don't want to have to argue via solicitors and waste thousands of pounds but at the moment it's my only choice

Oh Miss that sounds horrible!
Is he lashing out because he's hurt and angry? Any chance of him calming down? Can a friend talk to him? Why wont he see a mediator? He wouldnt have to agree to anything there and then.
But he is completely mistaken about the division of assets (if youre married). Esp if eg you earn less than him, you work less than him to care for the kids, your pensions are unequal etc etc. Take a look at the calculator on wikivorce to get an idea of what the courts might see as a fair division given your particular circumstances. If youre married, its about the best interests of the children, and allowing each partner to proceed in a fair manner; importantly, fair doesnt always mean equal (50:50), and the courts see financial contribution and caring for children as equal contributions. Good luck and hugs

Saw this piece of lunacy the other day - the court refused to grant this woman's divorce because it didnt accept 'desperate unhappiness' as a valid reason for divorce. Cant believe this can happen in the uk in this day and age.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-38978661

I'm not ever sure how you guys go through these emotions. I've never fallen out of love with any man/boy I've dated or gone into a deep relationship with. I guess its true people change and maybe I just haven't yet, on my side its more or less like every guy has gotten tired of me, no matter the age I was or age they were. Is there any advice on how to cope?

Anything I shouldn't do to make this worse? I feel like my husband is having affairs or something behind my back and I feel really left in the dark.