Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. III) (1000 Posts)

[Porffor]

As the title says - carried forward from first two threads.

Hello iron and hello everyone else.

I have posted in here before, once, but it was agreed we would try again and give our marriage one last go.

Everything is as it has always been. My marriage is one a fair few would kill for, I'm sure, but my feelings have not changed. I don't want to hurt him, he is lovely, amazing, kind, intelligent and actually just a wonderful person all round. But I can't get that sexual attraction back, no matter how hard I try.

Either way it goes it is going to hurt him though. I will have to live with hating myself for doing it.

molly your situation sounds similar to mine :( its rubbish having such a responsibility isn't it? Why can't I just be happy?

Misty how old are your DC? The kids will want your happiness firstly. They may be devastated at first - dependant on their ages, but do they want you to be unhappy? I'm sure they would prefer a happy Mum than one who just exists. Kids are amazingly resilient. I didn't believe this until I saw it in my own.

'Happiness' is not something you can switch on. It's an amalgamation of a number of factors which you have come to analyse. I questioned a number of times - especially in this thread (possibly thread 2/3) why couldn't I just switch it on? What was wrong with me...? It seemed like an impossible mountain ahead of me. I was where you sound like you are for a couple of years..

He moved out in May and I am putting my divorce papers through this week. Carry on posting. This thread is like therapy. I don't know where everyone has gone but I will keep posting

Molly. You cannot hate yourself. You are human. This is going on all around you. You are not the only woman who feels this way and you will not be the last. Hating yourself is systematic of how you are being treated or have come to feel as something is missing. You will know all the things you can try if you want to with your H (Relate etc) but you must not hate yourself. You need to turn that hate into strength. Women are so bloody capable and strong. You deserve happiness...

Misty, Molly, Iron hi. How are you?
I had a surprise to see this thread resurrected again. It guided me through my leaving dh.
It's not really the theme here but four months on I'm still tearful every day. Xdh meanwhile has found the love of his life so much so that i question our whole marriage. I am bereft not because I want him back but because that should have been
me, as in who was the love of his life. I'm not sure I ever was and him mine. It makes me so sad. On a good moment sometimes I think well perhaps it will happen to me but really I'm too sad to even consider it. We're still married, neither of us have started proceedings but he pays me maintenance based on the government calculator. I'm doing financially ok. I feel for you Iron. it's terrible to be struggling in a big way, but I'm still extremely nervous of money as I have no back up anymore.
My family continue to be distant with me and ask me to act ok for everyone's sake if I am emotional with them, so it's easier not to bother too much with them.
My friends are great but I'm aware how much they have to hear me go on. It wasn't meant to be like this. I felt ashamed, guilty and relieved initially but after HER I just feel desperately sad.
Not very inspirational I'm afraid.

shandy that sounds really difficult and sad do you regret leaving?

iron the dc are 3 and 6. I'm not sure I'm even capable of being happy anymore. I had a tough day at work and started to tell dh and then just stopped, thinking I can't take the blank look and him not knowing how to support me. After 10 years. I just feel numb this evening.

Hi misty. No I dong regret leaving. I'm just gutted I'm not the love of his life and he couldn't love, joke, support, understand, wahrbti make me happy like he does her.
It's all I ever wanted. And what I knew wasn't there so all my efforts to make it work were pointless and just making me go round the twist.
I know it could happen to me in the future, but yet it might not and I feel to damaged and sad for it ti even because possibility.
The not bothering to communicate Miaty is a red flag that you've crossed a line from which it's hard to return.

Bump. Is this thread dead?

I'm still here muddling along. I know it's a red flag. Things have been a bit less fraught but we're quite snappy with each other. Keeping going for now!

Not dead yet Shandy and thank you. I have since turned it into strength and I will tell you why.

I did it. I told him it was over. Last weekend was awful, and he has been distraught, but over the week I could see that he was slowly getting his head round it. Some of the anger is coming out how and he has stopped crying in his sleep.

Misty It's not a nice position to be in is it? I am actually quite surprised at how "well" it has gone thus far. I thought he would be devastated for weeks, but he appears to be keeping it together. I expected him to beg and fight it, but he has not once asked me to reconsider.

molly wow! Good for you for doing something. I'm still in the contemplation stage... is.your main reason for calling time because you're not in love any longer? I think you said something about not feeling attracted to him? I don't think I feel much for dh at the moment and I don't know if that can change if I'm honest.

Gah. Such a mess

And do you have have dc together?

Hello everyone, I hope you are doing ok.

I posted on this thread a few months ago outlining my situation. Married to a kind, lovely man who I just don't love in the right way any more. I love him like a brother but I don't fancy him at all and we have grown so far apart. I don't really have the inclination to try and get it back because I am sick to the back teeth of having to do all the work all the time. Not in a physical sense, he's quite happy to do as he's asked but I mean the mental energy of getting everything sorted all the time. It will be my decision because he likes an easy life too much.

I was seeing someone else for a while but I ended it so I could concentrate on my marriage so here I am.

I have been having counselling for over a year now and am pretty convinced I just want to end things and live alone (well, with the kids and an amicable co-parent relationship ideally)

So now what? I honestly don't know what to do from here. I am scared of falling back into a comfortable routine and then finding myself in a similar situation at some point again through my lack of ability to hurt him. Plus, he deserves someone who wants to be with him. It's almost like having another child in some respects. I even have to tell him to get a haircut FFS. I don't want to cause him pain but I'm going to have to.

For now I think I am just going to allow myself to feel everything rather than blocking stuff out and just dealing with it and see where it takes me.

I hope you're all doing ok and this thread is quiet because everyone is sorted!

Hello, not posted for ages..stbxh moved out in February, huge relief to me, and our dds are absolutely fine...atmosphere in this house much better...
Stbxh has often leaned on dds too much in my opinion, he is still angry that we are in family home, we have no intention to leave and legally do not have to consider it ( I pay mortgage and bills.. He pays maintenance, less than government calculator and resents it).
Where we are now is a place where myself and dds are doing fine, I've never regretted it once...I truly believe dds are happier, this house was angry and tense before. He is in a kind of angry, sometimes spiteful place. Although he's dated a few woman he acts like I'm his feckin property... I ignore this.
It's disappointing that he's not risen above anger and put dds first...he always was selfish but I see it so much more now. So good to see thread again... It totally is therapy!

I’m not married to my OH but we do have DS2 and my head hurts trying to work out how we’re going to untangle our lives. I haven’t been happy for so long and this thread is helping me realise that I deserve to be happy.

Yes Sweet, it's not until you are out of it that you realise how it drags you down, and that its not normal or necessary to be so unhappy. It's impossible to plan it all as Oh probably won't cooperate.. Just untangle a little bit at a time.

Misty9 Yes, not in love or attracted to him. I haven't found him attractive in a long time. We do have two children together and, honestly, if I hadn't fallen pregnant within a year of meeting him we would likely have been over long ago.

With your own situation, have you felt this way for a while? I found that the more I tried to make myself find XDH attractive, the less I actually did. I hope you figure things out soon. The hardest step to take is the first one.

Hi Muckyduck, Hurleygurl, and Sweet.

Sweet the untangling can be figured out. I know it seems completely mind-boggling right now but taking it day by day helps. Start with the small stuff and the rest will hopefully follow.

Hurley I am pleased things have moved forward for you and you are in a much better place. Hopefully your XH will become bored of being spiteful and resentful.

Mucky I was in your exact position a few weeks ago. So scared to hurt him that I felt completely stuck. It all built up one afternoon when I became totally frustrated with something completely inane which caused an entire day of tension. I told him that evening and, yes, it was horrible at the time, but it has been worth it.

I hope you are all feeling OK today.

Can anyone help me ? I have been married for 16 years and am so confused. Things started to go downhill when my husband had a diving incident. He was really unwell and consequently gave up this hobby. He works really hard and is honest and reliable. He has not one friend (this hasn't always been the case) and has no interests or hobbies. He comes home every night and watches hours of telly. I have tried talking to him. I asked him to come out to ceroc but he refused. I am also having problems with my middle son and have asked him to help (long story) he refuses to. I do still. love him but the resentment is always there and building. I feel that its not enough to leave a marriage for but can't face another twenty years of this.

Hi fuddle I red your post and sympathise. Your dh sounds like he's in a rut and depressed and that's really hard to live with. Can you try and get him to seek help, explain to him how you feel and how serious this is. Threatening to leave may make him feel more depressed and hopeless though.
Try and keep yourself busy and doing things. Good luck

Hey. How are you all doing? I've been better. Had a bad couple of months. Divorce due in court 14 Nov. All very real. Last week was a year since ex went nuts with me middle of the night. Been finding it tough and drinking whey to much. Hoping for a dry spell now that year milestone has passed....

Omg Iron I feel for you. A year really and divorce is coming through. Wow. I've not started or had the process start yet. Drinking I know too well though and you I guess.
Exdh is still well and truly smitten with new woman who has been introduced around the family and our kids and accepted and seems to be a constant everywhere.
It's a bit of the green eyed monster but I still can't abide how he can love her but couldn't me. It's such a kick in the teeth especially as he's moved on so smoothly and I'm still grieving and had my family shun me. It's 6 months for me.
Good luck for 14th.

Sorry to hear Shandy. I do hope you're ok.

I'm still struggling, sad and crying daily Iron. I'm still functioning and doing stuff with the dcs, but my sense of fun and hopes are just not there. But I'm hopeful of turning a corner soon, maybe after Christmas.

Hang on in there Shandy. It's really hard seeing my ex pretty much every day. My DD asks a lot of questions which I find waring as I really have moved on and don't want or need to keep reliving why it didn't work out - god knows I tried so hard. Just take each day as it comes and look after you x

Hi everyone 🤗
Shandy how are you doing? Anyone else around anymore?

I haven’t been doing great. Not sure it’s going so good with the guy I’ve been seeing. Especially given my headstate.
I am dreading Christmas and it’s everywhere. It’s making me feel physically sick. I’m from a broken home and now my home is broken. I am feeling guilt in massive proportions. I keep having some alcohol related set backs also. I am juggling too many balls and I just can’t see the future and whether new guy is in that. Doesn’t help that despite my divorce processing it seems like everything is resting on that. Just feeling quite low and mentally fragile, analysing everything. Divorce is expected in January. I just cannot wait for this year to be done. I am so over 2017.

to anyone who needs them.

Hey all. Was this the last thread? Thought I would resurrect this to see if anyone is still around?

I am single. Dated until beginning of Feb. Had a few dates.. Not much to report. No whirlwind romance

Ex and I get on as we can. He's helping me build a high sleeper for my son later.. Lucky it's all pretty amicable. I finally gave up drinking after 14m of self medicating. I'm taking it one day at a time...

Be great to hear from posters old and posters new..