Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. III) (1000 Posts)

[Porffor]

As the title says - carried forward from first two threads.

Yes hear hear Spam.
Miss I'm glad things are happening in a mature way.
Ruddy, hi, your financial plans to extend the mortgage sound good to make it affordable and presumably it'll be helpful for the kids to have stability of the house.
I'm looking to move out, exciting but there's so many extra costs to setting up home again from scratch.
I need to tackle the finances, child maintenance and a lump sum for the contents with head in the sand dh.
The govt website suggests around 11% of his pay which considering he earns £3.7pcm and I earn £1k I find quite low. Child tax credits will top me up while he still gets to chill out with money to spare. I'm going to ask for 50% of the value of the house contents and go homeware shopping.
Hugs to all.

Iron are you ok after what happened??
Sam geez that sounds rough - like Spam please pm me if you want
Shandy good luck with everything - i am in a virtually identical financial situation :( struggling to see how i could survive.
Arabella how are things now? I totally know the guilt.
Miss sounds like great progress, im envious of the amicability
Ruddy have u had the conversation?
Porffor how are things? Your last post sounded so familiar to conversations ive had with my dh

As for me - we've been in counselling since sept; its been interesting and very insightful. But i cant see how it can help us. But dh still thinks it can. I say how?? He doesnt know but he holds out hope because otherwise it is the end of the world for him. I ve hurt him over and over by not being able to be what a wife should be, why does he want me to keep doing that, i cant keep doing it, i am at the point where i give up and carry on as 'normal' so that i dont keep causing him pain (though i cant sleep with him, and neither of us want to be celibate, so where does that leave us )

Hi Que. I don't get that position either. Dh has said the same to
me, he can accept that the love has gone and that there will be no sex again, but he still wants to stay together. And then I feel mean because even though I am not looking or anticipating I will find anyone else especially after this break up, to live the rest of my days in a loveless marriage with no touching or warmth is torture and like half living to me.
Can anyone explain the h login?

Shandy - assume you mean 'logic'? No, not a chance as my DH exactly the same.

Que you know I am so with you on this
It would be end of world for my dh kids would be devastated
However I am slowly dying and being tempted as things just aren't right
I too so wish my dh would feel like me as it would make it so less painful
I am very close to just making the decision but still worry it could be the wrong one
After years though will it change ?
Do I want too much? After 18 years being together
Still in counselling and need to discuss this

Sam are u ok?

Hey everyone. Similar story here as always.

Psyched myself up all yesterday for The Conversation once DS was in bed, only for DH to go to bed with a cold as soon as I got in from work. Though the evening to myself was nice.

Shandy – I think my DH is the same, he just seems to think it's fine to carry on with no sex or any affection at all, that just being together, being this family all in a house is what he wants. But it's driving me insane and is so unhealthy for DS.

Hi Que, non not had the talk yet. I did however talk to my mum on the weekend for some advice (she divorced my dad around 30 yrs ago but he was a cheater so different to our situation).

She knew something wasn't right but was shocked at quite how much I want out. She kept saying to think of my dd as she will be so upset, it is only the thought of upsetting my dd that has kept me holding on!
I explained in depth how unequal our financial set up is and how much I am struggling whilst h is on a very large salary but he refuses to share, she then pushed going for counselling. I cannot afford it but tbh I dont want to prolong the (in my eyes) inevitable.
She realised in the end that I simply do not love h enough anymore to keep trying and sort of agreed with one of my options for me and dh to separate but stay living in the house until dd leaves school in 4 years (I have a list of possible options written down). She was so disappointed with me and I am so down that she doesn't really understand my reasoning, I know I don't need her permission but this has made me feel so trapped. She said all men are lazy man-children and its to be expected, but why the fuck should I just suck it up?!? My head is a mess. Reading through everyone elses posts the h's response to splitting seems very similar, hugs to all. Xx
Jeez sorry for the ramble!

Ruddy that's awful for you. That was the response I was expecting and dreading from my dm. I'm so sorry it's so hard to dismiss their feelings and opinions. Maybe she's projecting what she did on to you or what she didn't do or had no option to do and she's clung on to the fact that that would have been the better option. Separating but staying in the same house for dd sounds very difficult and weird for dd. Could you not get somewhere or him?
I can't wait to get out although I'm dreading the money issues and the ripple effect of the news with my friends and acquaintances.

Hi Shandy. My dm was adamant she had no choice than to divorce my dad and I admire her so much for being the better, stronger person. She did say how hard it was though. The reason I was thinking of both of us staying in the family home is that it disrupts dd as little as possible and as I am the one calling it quits I don't think it's fair to make h leave. Dunno, maybe he will decide to leave but I very much doubt it.
Shandy have you calculated how much help you would be entitled to? Have to admit I am so used to managing on so little money it came as a revelation that I would be entitled to anything.

I think this is the only thing keeping me where I am. My Dad is so influential on me and he is the one who says I should work it out for the kids and I did love him so perhaps it is salvageable but he seems to want out. Nothing is mentioned. All a big shambles really..

@Hurleygirl123 and @dm86
We're over here in case you've lost us.

I have been lurking on these threads so long.

My situation is this. I have been married 15 years, together 18. DH is a genuinely good, kind man and we were very much in love in the beginning.

When we got together I was freshly out of an abusive marriage and I was really drawn to his kindness and calm.

All these years on and I am no longer damaged if you know what I mean and now I feel like a totally different person. About 9 years ago I had a moment where I just looked at him and thought I don't love you any more.

I was completely horrified by it and buried it deep. A few years later I had an emotional affair with a colleague that I confessed to and thought it might give us some impetus to work things through but he didn't want to talk about it - ever. I thought I would never do it again but it was a massive warning klaxon we didn't really listen to.

Fast forward a few years and I am doing it again, only not just emotional this time. I know it's unforgivable and he deserves better.

I'm just so confused. I love DH like a best friend but I'm not attracted to him in the slightest. We don't communicate well on anything even slightly negative. He does still want sex but I really don't. I see him as just passive these days and the attraction is gone.

So I know I need to end things with OM to concentrate on what I really want from my marriage and I know DH deserves someone who will cherish him.

I just need to pluck up the courage to do what's right and cause devastation to us as a family. It would be a hell of a shock for the kids and I wonder how I could do that to them.

I'm lucky in the sense that we can easily afford to split but that's the only thing easy about it.

Best wishes to everyone on this thread, you are all braver than me.

Hi Muckyduck
Feel free to message me - some of similaries to my situation - feelings towards dh the same
At critical point for me as almost depressed about it
Am having counselling but I can echo your turmoil

Welcome Muckyduck.

I've found my people again lol.

How is everyone doing? I'm not doing great tbh. He seen a post I'd posted on here asking if anyone has ever regretted asking for a divorce. He said he'd leave and packed a bag. Then come back in and decided he would just go away with work for the next few weeks and see how it goes. I don't think he realises it'll take more than a few weeks to sort it out and that's if it can be. At the minute I am just constantly imagining a life without him here. I still want us to be friends as we do get on when he's being ok and It'd be better for the kids too.

I can't however imagine loving him again the way I did. I'll see how the next few weeks go with him working away as I'm fairly this will cement my decision one way or another.

I'm going to take up the doctors offer of individual counselling regardless of what happens. But I'm done and ready to be on my own. I don't need anything but my 3 dc and a roof over our head. I just hate this stuck in limbo feeling! Hope everyone else is doing better than me

Hi dm86. Glad you made it here. I'm so with you in wanting to break free with my dcs. It's like everything's working to prevent me though. I hate limbo land.
Hi muckyducky. You will find strength. But first you need to work out what you want. If there's life left in your marriage give it a go but if not then it's time to call time so to speak. But easier said than done.

I read a post I'd made in August last year when i was ar a very low ebb and I'm glad I'm closer to the door out than then and keeping it together just.

Yaay! Found you again!! I've been missing you all...
Things moving on here, he's allegedly moving out into nice nearby house this weekend, but as usual he's disorganised so we will see! My Dds are all fine, he's being bit of arse...ive been sleeping on (very comfy) couch for few weeks and he's taken this opportunity to rake through my clothes drawers...just confirms how much I don't want to be married to him..he's acting like a spoilt, entitled little boy, been using dd to moan to, still claims he had no idea why her ' insane bitch ' of a mother is wrecking family. Charmer eh? He's only damaged their opinion of him...
Good to be back in your lovely company ladies...

Muckyduck, don't beat yourself up..it's symptoms of dead marriage..

Welcome Muckyduck (to the thread that we all wish we werent on) yes pls dont beat yourself up. None of us wanted any of this to happen, yet here we are. At least by coming onto this thread we are being honest with ourselves, that takes courage - remember that x

I hate weekends :(

Same here Iron. Managed to take DS out for the day yesterday just the two of us which was lovely. But today it's the three of us at home all day and I'm just snippy and irritated with DH all the time.

And me Iron. I used to dread Monday mornings now they're my saviour.
I feel such a fraud this long slow goodbye to separation is torture. Please let me out of this situation soon. Dh on crutches and unable to drive or do anything other than sit in front of the TV and accept sympthies is just too much. And on top of this his birthday is coming up. Is there no end to it.

You have my sympathies.

Well. What a shit of a weekend. He interrogated me on Friday night, vile and malicious, about an affair. I went for a couple of drinks with some colleagues as I find going home on Fridays so bloody unbearable. So denied affair - of course I'm having an affair I mean I'm so chipper of late that my marriage has failed, I have two young kids and this affects them and their future more than me, I can't see through the fog of what I should bloody do - so of course - yes - it has to be an affair as there is no other bloody reason this is not working?
Yesterday, my daughter was pressing buttons. She needs emotional support at the moment and I am struggling to provide it for her at times. She refused to leave the house yesterday. We were popping to shops as a family and then she wouldn't get in the car which resulted in him literally slamming her into her car seat and she knocked her head. She was fine but I was enraged. He was in a vile mood. This was a one off - but intolerable behaviour. The way my mum could be to me. I shouted at him, checked she was ok and then shut up as I hate the confrontation and what it causes.
We stopped for petrol and when he was paying I asked her is she was ok. And said I don't know what to do and she replied "you shouldn't have married him". Jesus wtf is going on in her tiny mind?

I feel mentally ill. This has been going on for months. I don't know what to do for the best. I think I may be losing it and my strength...

Oh Iron that sounds so awful i know the feeling when tempers are short, everything gets fraught, dc not behaving, and it just escalates into something very unpleasant. I imagine that many of us are experiencing this, living under a cloud of tension, anger, pain, suspicion, guilt etc.
Whats the next step for you?
You said it feels like youre going mentally ill - i feel like this too. I also feel like my face has actually changed shape due to tension in jaw and crying arghh

How are you all?