Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. III) (1000 Posts)

[Porffor]

As the title says - carried forward from first two threads.

Well here we are again. Friday/weekend's I dread at playing happy families whilst I sleep on the sofa and dream of getting out with my kids in my own house not one dominated by him. He is acting above and beyond but it only seems to make me want to leave him more.
Perhaps I will find the strength to see a solicitor next week. I cannot go on like this...

Hi - mind if I join?? I'm another weekend-hater with a selfish H I am too cowardly to have (yet another) talk with about our failing/failed marriage
He not a bad person by any means but so selfish and after 10 years of marriage I am so sick of doing everything for our DCs and in the home...
We had a chat 2 weeks ago when he said 'there's nothing between us - we are 2 people living in the same house' and that the children 'annoy' him. Then the next day he tried to take it all back and hug me. But that has been the final straw and I am mentally packing his bags for him...

I feel better knowing there are others in this type of situation (but sad we are all here!) and desperate to find us all in an amicable separation where we can be happy with the DCs - I just can't see how this could happen and feel sick and as though my head will explode with all the emotions and thoughts rushing about inside!!

Hi addlebrain and Iron. I'm feeling your pain.
I'm sick of people laying on the guilt with me about the decision to split.
Yes I have thought about it, for aeons. No it's not an easy option. Yes I know it will impact the kids, believe me they are my life but cannot dictate my life.
And yes maybe counselling worked for you and maybe with a shit hot counsellor, unlimited time and money we may survive. But I have tried my utmost and you can lead a horse to water but if he doesn't want to drink it and engage in the process and want it then it's not going to work.
And yes I could give it another 6 months, that's what I said last May, last Christmas and the one before that. But at some point you have to face facts and decide are you willing to carry on a half life or put hope and happiness back into your life. Yes it may be equally tough but I'd rather be poor and challenged than comfy and miserable acting my life.
I wish I could have expressed myself as well as this in rl but posting this helps.
I've had a bad day and I'm trying to put today and my guilt back in the box.

Hi shandy - I know what you mean about the waiting for 6 months...and another 6 months etc! I got H to agree to counselling after he 'took back' his shitty comments and then spent the next morning sobbing when I realised it was totally pointless! I'm not quite 40 yet and I really want to try and be free by then - he is being all nice and asking me how work was etc (which he NEVER does) because I have been polite and civil to him all week whilst asking for nothing - a sort of practice in my mind for being a single mum - and I'm wondering how long before he gets all sulky because I'm not thawing...

Does counselling ever actually work? Or do you have to really believe that it might beforehand for it to succeed?!

Hi addle. Yes counselling can work if you are able to give it the time and both of you engage in the process.
For me it was just another way for dh to avoid underlying issues and come up with ever more ways for me to bend over backwards for him, not literally.
And yes it had taken a year before he was prepared to go by which time my energies and hopes were pretty diminished.

Hi everyone,

Found this thread and thought I may say hello.
In a strange place, been in a relationship for over 10 years. Married a few with 2 dc's.

Recently have changed a lot. Dh is fine, he's a great guy. Done nothing wrong, just feeling that perhaps I want to be alone, do 'me' which I've never done. But also not wanting to make any rash choices.

Kinda feels like living with my best friend. Not sure 'it' whatever that is, is there anymore. Feeling confused and just needed to be among others I guess.

Thanks shandy. And hi chasing.

I think if you need 'me time' it might be a good idea to speak to your H about it - and also after you have had some then to spend time with him doing something enjoyable to see if you can have fun together.
If I wasn't so angry with mine then I would do that as I can see we have made zero time together since ds1 was born nearly 7 years ago. I think it is the best chance at getting back whatever 'it' is - if you want to try!

Feeling positive today. Was supposed to be going to Mil today but after his strop he happily watched me blitz the house from top to bottom yesterday without lifting a finger (oh sorry.. forgot he washed his car) I said I'm not going today.
Why on earth when he has pretty much ignored me for last couple of days would I want to travel an hour in the car to sit at his mother's and enjoy a nice 'family's lunch???!!!
As I was so busy yesterday watching the kids, housework, ironing and making food, when I was finished I sat down with a glass of wine and clocked off. I realised it's always me who is the bad guy at the end of the day getting the kids into the bath and bed so last night I just left it. Dd (3) was so tired I actually took her up to bed with me at 9pm. Ds (8) slept downstairs with him. No idea what time he went to sleep.
I think I may make use of my free time today and start filling out my divorce paperwork. I need to get this show on the road.. and sharpish!!!

Good for you miss! Good luck with the paperwork! My H is the same - sitting watching me break my back. Fucker.
H being all nice and normal (after lying in bed til half 9 when I was up at 5.30 with the kids...

I've name changed for this and am going to be completely honest for the first time ever
I've been married 24 years and I don't love him, I'm not attracted to him at all, sex , love and affection has been on existent for years and I feel like I'm slowly dying inside
It's my fault not his, he's a good kind hard working man and thinks we rub along ok
I just can't hurt him and I've been having affairs
I had two running at the same time, saw one on a Monday and one on a Friday , this went on for six months and I've ended both but they made me feel so alive
I've now met someone else who has just turned me upside down, he's in the same position as me and I've never met anyone who makes me feel like this
I still can't leave though, I feel paralysed with fear at the repercussions, I know I'm a terrible person and I used to be so anti cheating you wouldn't believe
But I can't live with no affection or love and I will never feel like that about my husband again, I know what I should do, leave, be m my own and let him find someone who loves him but I can't do it, we've never even talked about what's wrong and just muddle along like friends
If I'm being totally honest I'm staying for money security and fear of the unknown, if I won the lottery I wouldn't think twice
I'm aware of how I'm coming across at its not all black and white, he does some things sometimes that actually make me want to kill him and I'd be too embarrassed to say what they are, but one example is ds looking for an inhaler as he'd ran out, he's eighteen and yes should be responsible for getting his own prescription on time, however dh watched him raking about the house for an hour for an old inhaler before letting him use his
This killed it stone dead for me, disgusting repulsive behavior , I'm not any better for different reasons but I just can't get past this

Hi all, it's been ages since I posted, lots of new posters so you may not remember me. Shandy & Iron, sorry you are still finding it so tough, I promise that although tough it does get easier. I've had so many ups & downs to get to where I am. Legal separation lodged (I'm in Scotland) & he has paid a deposit and moves in April although staying with a friend for some of March. I'm trying hard to be amicable for the kids sake but was really snippy this morning, I'm not well, been ill for a week but had no chance to rest & he has been doing feck all in the house, he does still live here so I had a go. I am very nervous re finances but have everything in place & Im working on reducing all the bills I can. It will be tight.

My kids have amazed me, initially upset but taken things in their stride. They also guessed I was seeing someone (met after we split) and have both said they are fine with it, want me to be happy. I'm so grateful for them.

So fingers crossed things going ok!

Complete, no judging from me. You need to leave though & give you both a chance of happiness x

Hi Newbies and welcome. This is such a lifeline of a thread. We are all here to support each other and I always say it's good to post as a record of your unhappiness to reinforce how you have felt at times.
CompleteBitch - No judgy pants from me either. I have stuff which I have touched on first thread he has done in the past which I cannot move on from also. I could see myself also having an affair which is an awful thing to say I suppose.
I remember you hotwater sounds like everything is going good.

I am out tonight on my own with friends. Looking forward to breaking up the weekend with some chit chat!

Thank you for not flaming me , it's a relief to be able to talk honestly
Husband is eight years older than me and has aged badly, he sits sleeping and snoring every night and can't hold a conversation, I've gone from spending decades looking after kids and only going out once a year, to starting running, training for a really good job and losing two stone
I feel and look better than I did go my twenties!
It's an awfull thing to say but I have no conscience at all about my affairs, it brings me happiness and joy and attention and good sex , compared to this awful nothingness I have at home

Such sad reading Complete. Are you making a plan?

Feel free to talk honestly here. What do you think you will do? How old are the dc? I've also lost a lot of weight & feel so much better.

Hi hot I remember you. I think we were posting more actively around the same time. I am totally, wholly separated and will be filing for divorce in sept after 2 yr separated. I remember so well the fear of judgement, the worries, the banging my head off a brick wall. It lessens massively, I promise. Ive done a bit of OLD which has been crap. Then again, being massively overweight won't be helping my chances. Kids are coping well, my mother is finally learning to rein in her judgement of me. I cant bring myself to judge anyone re affairs etc. Most situations are not black and white any more...

Honestly? I think I'll just carry on until I'm either caught or really fall for someone else
I find myself wishing he would have an affair and leave me but I don't think he's got it in him
Youngest child is twelve, my job isn't secure but well paid , funding runs on a yearly basis so no job security, I work three days but earn the equivalent of a full time salary where I live

Ugh, I might end up joining you ladies. The mortifying thing is, I've been here before. I'm trying my best to fight it, because my kids don't need the upheaval for a second time in their lives, and honestly, neither do I, but I don't know how long I can go on in this joyless existence, where any whiff of fun, sex or romance is instantly quashed.

I'm constantly torn between my husband and my children. I warned him years ago that if that's what he wanted, he'd never win.

I just know how hard it is on everyone, and DS has had a really tough few years. He has GCSEs next year and just needs to get his head down.
As for DS2, he's moving up to high school and adores DH. He has ASD, so it will be a lot for him too.

Rock and hard place spring to mind...

Hi old and new posters, stbxh moved out one week ago, and it had been a busy, but peaceful week... My Dds and me are organising this house( it's a bit neglected) and having a massive very cathartic clear out..one week isn't long but he's made little attempt to see kids or walk dogs (of which went meant to share 50/50) but it's early days! It's like business as usual as I did bulk of everything house /dd related..but without the tension, irritation and frustration I felt before, wen he either didn't do a job or did it so badly.. It's just down to me now and I am delighted with that fact.. It's really hard to listen to presumptions from family (I rarely see mine)about how damaging this is for kids...utter bollocks!! I'm of opinion the damage is done whilst existing in the sad, tense and sometimes downright hostile 'family home' we have all described in this thread..
Keep on pushing to get out, it's worth the horrible moments and stress..for you and your dc.
Complete.. No judgement from me, affairs are just proof there is big problem with marriage

Hey Hurley, sounds great!! That's one thing that worries me. The dog! He has neglected her for months, only taking her out when I make comments. She is my baby but if he does not take her I'm stuck. She be left for 6 hours during day after a walk in morning, but only a couple of hours at night. So if he doesn't take her when he has the kids I can never go out. My new romance is long distance so I'd not be able to see him. I feel like he is doing this deliberately.

Hi Hot, that's not fair..it's typical of my stbxh..Can't get act together. I also think he's doing it deliberately, kind of 'u made ur bed u lie on it' huffiness! Going to speak to him this week about ongoing arrangements.. Sounds very like he's trying to make it difficult for you..

He is. All I can do is shame him. Which is awful but let friends, family, kids know what he is doing. I don't want to stoop to that though 😕

It's so nice to hear from returning posters that there may be light at the end of the tunnel!

I have been so confused today - H was being so helpful and took the kids to soft play and then went so angry and shouty at DS1 he made him cry for no good reason and I just felt angry again...

Another dilemma I have is that we are moving in 4 months to a new city and have school etc sorted already - I felt like I needed him out asap but then wondered if we are better making sure the boys are settled in the new city and at schools/nurseries etc before making a break? What do you think?? Part of this is linked to the fact that he will take some time to be persuaded/told to move out as he clearly in denial...

Addled, I think I wouldn't delay.. Maybe it is an opportunity to have fresh start? It's never ideal time, always some occasion or event looming but it's amazing how resilient dcs are, if we're are unsensational about things. The whole shouting thing just shows how unfamiliar he is with dealing with the dcs..