Please help. I am a 30 year old daughter of a narcissistic mother who is probably so far on the spectrum she is knocking on the door of a full blown personality disorder with antisocial and OCD traits. She pushed me hard to achieve academic excellence, and I did it - got good grades, good university and graduated with a promising career ahead of me. Although to friends I was calm, collected and fun no one ever met my mother and behind the scenes she was a needy, selfish, paranoid control freak.
Cutting quite a long story short that would require several posts (and probably years of therapy), my mother has used many ways to control me e.g. making my rent a really expensive flat because she liked it, so I couldn’t save for my own place or to buy anything big without asking her for money. She made me give her my bank details, initially so she could “help me move money around” but basically was a way for her to check up on me. I opened another bank account in secret and when she found out she went mad, crying that I don’t trust her and that I must be doing something shady if I didn’t want her to see my outgoings! She also made a record of everything she ever spent on me and said that I needed to pay her back this sum after graduating. We agreed on an amount each month I would give her, even though she didn’t need the money but wanted to recoup her “investment”.
Things came to a head recently when I didn’t pick up her phone and she got annoyed so drew out £2000 from my bank account putting me into overdraft. It was the last straw so I cancelled all my bank accounts that she could access. She says she is entitled to any money I have because she bought me up, and it isn’t enough to pay back all the money I owe her anyhow. After this, I decided I needed to really start removing her hold on my life She has a key to my flat so I changed the locks. When I told her, she just laughed and said “I’ll get a locksmith or knock the door down, you can’t keep me out”. She also says she “helped me choose” this stupidly expensive flat and she has loads of stuff in there so she feels it is as much her flat as mine.
I stuck to my guns, and left the locks changed. I told her we shouldn’t spend Christmas together as things were so bad between us, it hurt so much to do this but she just wouldn’t accept it saying she had booked train tickets so was going to come anyway. I then got a call to say she was outside, had called a locksmith to come, and would deduct the cost of this from the money I owe (seriously?!). It’s all my fault for ruining her Christmas and she is going to make me pay. Luckily I had decided to move all my important stuff out of the flat and stay with friends over Christmas to avoid a confrontation.
I have gone over there in the night and can see the lights on in my flat, so she wasn't bluffing - this woman has illegally gotten into my flat and is staying in there against my will! She has probably changed the locks on me now! Despite very supportive close friends, this has been a dark cloud on my Christmas. After telling me she is inside my flat, I have had no contact with her, she didn’t even call on Christmas day.
I really don’t know what to do at this stage. I have no idea how long she will be in there for, or what she is doing in there. I think her plan is probably to wait me out, and make me beg to get inside my own flat. I have a lot of my things and a place to stay if I need it, but I can’t let her squat there forever. I am still paying the rent and responsible for any damage in the flat until my tenancy is up. I need to break the radio silence and call her up/go over there but I am petrifed of even seeing her right now. Some have told me the only resort is the police, but I have such a deep sense of shame about telling them this crazy drama, I’m also scared they won’t be able to help me, or that my mother will create a huge scene with all my neighbours watching.
If anyone has any kind of similar experience about getting rid of an unwanted person from your property, I would appreciate any advice. It’s especially difficult as she does a great old lady act, she knows I have a lot at stake and she has threatened to sit outside my building or my workplace telling everyone I'm a whore and a thief because I owe her money, and that I am willing to kick my own mother out of my place.
Print of your post above and hand it to the police. This will save you explaining again. She needs to be removed from your flat and your life (until she seeks help). This situation cannot continue. I feel for you.
Is she named on your tenancy agreement? If not then you phone the police because what she has done is illegal and the police may also be very interested in a locksmith who is happy to provide his services to someone who is neither the property owner or the tenant. Then you move. Then you get a therapist because you are deep in the fog. You can get out but you're going to have to be brave.
It sounds like you may need a restraining order too. The stately homes threads are a good resource and supportive. The previous poster's reference to fog (fear, obligation & guilt) is bang on too. You need help to disentangle your life from your mother's.
phone your landlord and explain the situation, give notice on your flat, move elsewhere and don't tell her - if your landlord owns more than one flat, they may let you move your deposit from one to another. (I know someone who did this after being harrassed by a family member). Do not tell her you are moving or where to. She has no reason to know.
Call your landlord & report what's happened. When your mother's removed from the property, cut contact with her, so that you can get some perspective. If, in the future, you decide you want to have any contact with her, is there someone you trust to support you through this? This is an awful way to live your life. You deserve better.
Is she named on the tenancy agreement? If not, she has no legal right of entry. You need the police involved as soon as possible if she has changed the locks. In fact, you need them regardless. Have you got a log of her behaviour? Can you get a restraining order? Is your father (or another partner of hers) around?
Call your landlord and the police. Longer term, move and don't let her know where you are. She sounds dangerously unwell. You need to look out for yourself and stay away from her unless she engages in psychiatric treatment