How do I make my narcissistic mother leave my flat?

[purplewild60]

Please help. I am a 30 year old daughter of a narcissistic mother who is probably so far on the spectrum she is knocking on the door of a full blown personality disorder with antisocial and OCD traits. She pushed me hard to achieve academic excellence, and I did it - got good grades, good university and graduated with a promising career ahead of me. Although to friends I was calm, collected and fun no one ever met my mother and behind the scenes she was a needy, selfish, paranoid control freak.

Cutting quite a long story short that would require several posts (and probably years of therapy), my mother has used many ways to control me e.g. making my rent a really expensive flat because she liked it, so I couldn’t save for my own place or to buy anything big without asking her for money. She made me give her my bank details, initially so she could “help me move money around” but basically was a way for her to check up on me. I opened another bank account in secret and when she found out she went mad, crying that I don’t trust her and that I must be doing something shady if I didn’t want her to see my outgoings! She also made a record of everything she ever spent on me and said that I needed to pay her back this sum after graduating. We agreed on an amount each month I would give her, even though she didn’t need the money but wanted to recoup her “investment”.

Things came to a head recently when I didn’t pick up her phone and she got annoyed so drew out £2000 from my bank account putting me into overdraft. It was the last straw so I cancelled all my bank accounts that she could access. She says she is entitled to any money I have because she bought me up, and it isn’t enough to pay back all the money I owe her anyhow. After this, I decided I needed to really start removing her hold on my life She has a key to my flat so I changed the locks. When I told her, she just laughed and said “I’ll get a locksmith or knock the door down, you can’t keep me out”. She also says she “helped me choose” this stupidly expensive flat and she has loads of stuff in there so she feels it is as much her flat as mine.

I stuck to my guns, and left the locks changed. I told her we shouldn’t spend Christmas together as things were so bad between us, it hurt so much to do this but she just wouldn’t accept it saying she had booked train tickets so was going to come anyway. I then got a call to say she was outside, had called a locksmith to come, and would deduct the cost of this from the money I owe (seriously?!). It’s all my fault for ruining her Christmas and she is going to make me pay. Luckily I had decided to move all my important stuff out of the flat and stay with friends over Christmas to avoid a confrontation.

I have gone over there in the night and can see the lights on in my flat, so she wasn't bluffing - this woman has illegally gotten into my flat and is staying in there against my will! She has probably changed the locks on me now! Despite very supportive close friends, this has been a dark cloud on my Christmas. After telling me she is inside my flat, I have had no contact with her, she didn’t even call on Christmas day.

I really don’t know what to do at this stage. I have no idea how long she will be in there for, or what she is doing in there. I think her plan is probably to wait me out, and make me beg to get inside my own flat. I have a lot of my things and a place to stay if I need it, but I can’t let her squat there forever. I am still paying the rent and responsible for any damage in the flat until my tenancy is up. I need to break the radio silence and call her up/go over there but I am petrifed of even seeing her right now. Some have told me the only resort is the police, but I have such a deep sense of shame about telling them this crazy drama, I’m also scared they won’t be able to help me, or that my mother will create a huge scene with all my neighbours watching.

If anyone has any kind of similar experience about getting rid of an unwanted person from your property, I would appreciate any advice. It’s especially difficult as she does a great old lady act, she knows I have a lot at stake and she has threatened to sit outside my building or my workplace telling everyone I'm a whore and a thief because I owe her money, and that I am willing to kick my own mother out of my place.

Op - if the idea of calling the police is too much for you (and I can completely understand this is your mum who has conditioned you to obey her so that could be a step too far for you yet), then another option is to call your landlord - ask them if they gave your mother access to the property as you think she's got a locksmith to help her brake in, would they meet you at the property to sort this out? If the landlord turns up with you, making it clear she has no right to be there or change the locks. That might be enough to get her out.

If your landlord owns more than one property they might be happy to let you leave your tenancy early for another property that they own. If not, just give notice and move to a cheaper flat in a different area, and don't tell her where you have gone. I'd also be looking to move jobs if she knows where you work.

You will have to take action to keep her out of your life, she seems to feel she has unusual rights over you.

Oh and I know nobody who has paid back their parent for raising them. No one, it is not a normal request so don't feel bad for refusing.

A quick Google will show it is adverse possession, and if she refuses to leave after being requested to do so, it becomes a criminal offence.

Has the op left the thread ?

Girl, she's done a huge number on you (not surprising with the story you've told us here. I bet there's plenty more stories besides this one )

I say she's done a number on you because YOU feel deep shame, when it's shame that belongs entirely to her!

OK so you may have given her access to your bank account - made it a joint account? - and she may be on your tenancy agreement. Which puts you in a difficult situation (of her making, just to be clear).

As others are saying, she is batshit. Whatever is going on with her is extremely serious. I am astonished you haven't had any therapy and would suggest, once this is sorted out, you rent a cheaper flat and pay for therapy. You sorely need it. My family is not as bad as this and I've needed years of therapy.

Give Womens Aid a try. The clue is in the title btw, plus they are experts on domestic abuse ie abuse between close relatives (usually a spouse, admittedly, but it's all the same stuff). National helpline 0808 2000 247 (call at night as lines busy during the day) or you local WA office here when they open.

Call the police and explain the situation. They will be able to advise you on what you can do.

Push through with this. It is loooong overdue. Don't forget it's not your shame, but hers.

If her name's not on the tenancy then no matter how much of 'her stuff' is at the flat - she is breaking and entering/trespassing.

OP, the only way to deal with narcs when they get obsessive over you like this is to report all harassment to the police. i know you may feel bad cos she's your mum, but she's gone too far.

Omg thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions! After I finally got the courage to post this thread I had to leave the internet for a while to clear my head and can't believe how many of you had commented in a few hours.

For years I have been hiding behind a facade of light hearted distance, never letting friends or significant others get close in case they ever met my mother but I think close friends figured something wasn't right. I've got a long way to go but thanks so much for your support. I'm so conditioned to feel guilty and inadequate, I couldn't see straight even when I know this has gone too far.

Just to clear a couple of things up:-

I rent this flat and I am the only person on the tenancy - I've got a copy of my signed tenancy agreement on me.

There are no joint bank accounts, my mother knows a lot of my banking passwords so she just called up the bank pretending to be me withdrawing money - I know I'm a fool.

I have a fixed tenancy with no notice until next July!! I am majorly scared about letting my landlord know. I've lived there for a few yrs without trouble. Even though I desperately want to leave the flat and stop paying for it, I would hate for them to know about the locks getting changed etc. Could I get the police involved without my landlord finding out initially? I guess if it goes pear shaped they will find out anyway.

Re: the locksmith - I also have no idea how my mother got them to let her in. I thought she was bluffing which is why I went over in the night but the lights ever deffo on and I even knocked on the door then ran round the corner and heard her come to the door. I guess if someone said they had their bag stolen with their ID etc and were willing to pay a high fee a locksmith would just do it?!

Thank you for all the police advice. I will call my local station and speak to them about my options. This is the toughest thing I've ever faced but tbh it's been coming for a long time. I'm thankful for all your comments which have made me stronger and more determined than ever.

Why on earth does your mum know your banking passwords?

OMG this is insane.

Firstly, you did not ask to be born. You should NOT be repaying her money that she spent raising you.
Secondly, she sounds like she has serious BPD, she need serious help, but you need to remove yourself from the situation. This is serious emotional abuse. Change the situation, imagine it wasn't your mother, but an partner.

He demanded money for all the dates you went on and presents he bought you. Demanded access to your bank account and withdrew money without consent. When you kicked him out, he broke into your squat to stay there! Sounds worrying doesn't it! What would you say to a friend who was in that situation. Just because she gave birth to you does absolutely not mean she can emotionally abuse you!

Thirdly, if she is not on your tenancy agreement then call the police, show them this post and get them to remove her from the property. If she continues to harass you then threaten her with a restraining order!

I know this actually really serious, but I'd be sorely tempted to go to hers, change the locks and take up residence.

Glad you're finding the strength to make changes, OP. Life with her must be exhausting in so many ways.

OP, you must change all your passwords and security questions with your bank/s immediately. I am amazed that she accessed your accounts so easily.

What are you going to do OP?

You need to change all your banking passwords and report to the bank what she did.

You have been oversharing with your mother, because you have been conditioned since birth to obey her and give her everything she wants. This has to stop NOW.

Call the police and report her for breaking into your flat and stealing your money (because what she did was theft). Change every password. Move. Go completely no contact with her. And get therapy, seriously.

As I said before, this woman is evil and dangerous.

Your mum has stolen from you, controlled you and extorted money from you for years. You need to cut her out of your life completely. Can you find someone else to rent the property and then go somewhere else? Maybe stay with friends until you can find a cheaper place.

Call the cops to her and report her for trespass and theft. Change your phone number. Stop giving this bitch money. Never see her or speak to her again, she is poison.

I don't know how to do this just by posting on the Internet, but I hope you can get past the shame/embarrassment thing that is keeping you in the situation.

Believe it or not, a big scene with the police won't be so utterly awful. It may feel terrible at the moment, but that will pass and it's preferable to the relationship you have with your mother. Even if she does stand outside your home or job telling everyone you're a whore, that will pass and it will be better. And each time she does these things and you report to the police, the sanctions will help distance her from you.

It's easy to type, but much harder to do, but you must end the financial extortion and put very hard boundaries up. Perhaps even to the point of going no contact.

The reason everyone says that the police are your only option is that it is true. Either that or you may as well go apologise to your mother and start trying to do whatever she wants you to do.

You know this isn't ok. You need to know that you have the power to change how this woman affects you.

To begin with it's practical stuff. Make all bank accounts private. Change banks. Change passwords or pass codes. Also security question answers. (Mothers maiden name? Do not pick hers!)

Also change your phone number, and anything else that could be used by her.

Once she is out of your flat, you need to deal with your feelings. Because there will be guilt, sadness, and a whole host of other things. Tell people in RL what's going on. See your GP and ask for counselling or therapy. Keep telling people.

Cut all contact with this woman.

And then go and live! Spend your money how you like! Move to a flat you want and like. Do the stuff you want to do!

As an aside I cannot believe that she expects you To pay her back a monthly amount to cover what's she has spent on you in your lifetime. That is totally fucked up. Do not pay this woman a penny more!

and good luck op.

Yes re. banking. Ask same banks to open new accounts for you so numbers aren't known to her. Get a poste restante address or do everything online provided she has none of your logins. Keep other documents eg birth certificate away from her too.

Police are probably best bet for getting her to open up and holding a potential breaking and entering charge over her.

If it were me I'd be aiming for NC, or as near as.

Narcissists hate to be made to look bad in front of others. She is counting on you to be so ashamed that you won't do anything but will just beg her to let you into your own flat. This is exactly what you shouldn't do. Make it public. Break the secrecy.

You need an external third party to lay down the law for her, because she is batshit enough not to recognise any boundaries other than those she sets herself.

And please, get away. Nobody deserves to have a mother like this.

This is terrible so sorry you are going through this Narcs generally believe that you are an extension of themselves and therefore belong to them like a possession

When you are ready here's some places to go for advice and knowledge

Www.outofthefog.net
The smart girls guide to self
Daughters of narcissistic mothers

Google the grey rock and please stop sharing any information with her

Please pm me if you need to

for you what a terrible thing to have to deal with

Not much advice on getting her out I'm afraid but for moving forward from here
I've been having therapy and was advised to read the book "will I ever be good enough?"
It's about narcissistic mothers and how to heal yourself if you are a daughter of a narcissist it's really helped me see it's not me it's her!

She must be on the lease, no locksmith would change the locks without proof. Their entire livelihood depends on them being 100% certain. In which case it'll take a high court, couple of grand and about 6 months to get her out.

If you want to move you should have a 6 month break clause in is the usual. But if not then yes get her out, use the police to do that. Change your banking passwords. Then you need to go nc. If she harasses you then you go to the police again and you may have to fight to get a restraining order.

As a person with an ex narc remember this is nothing to do with you. It's her. She has conditioned you to behave in a certain way which will impact your real life relationships.

Is there someone you can trust in rl to talk to and get some support from because the next few months will be bumpy for you if you are determined to get her out of your life.

Good luck xxx

Has she got something in her name she could use as ID to a locksmith ? I genuinely cannot believe they'd change the locks without it, knowing the trouble I had when locked out of my own house

The only thing I can think of is a letter for her eye appointment that I had sent to my address for convenience but I wouldn't think she had the foresight to take it from my flat the last time she was there but then again, this situation has completely gone beyond the realms of what I expected from her - which is saying a lot. I'm going to brave the storm and try calling her today just so I can get some info about what she's thinking or intending to do in my flat before I call the police (I don't even know if she's still there as it's been a week but most likely she is staying put).

Please don't be embarrassed. You are not her. People may be shocked by her actions but it really doesn't reflect on you. In fact they would respect you for dealing with it.

You really must tell your landlord and the police immediately. She could be doing anything in there, for which you are liable, and you urgently need support to get her out.