How do I make my narcissistic mother leave my flat?

[purplewild60]

Please help. I am a 30 year old daughter of a narcissistic mother who is probably so far on the spectrum she is knocking on the door of a full blown personality disorder with antisocial and OCD traits. She pushed me hard to achieve academic excellence, and I did it - got good grades, good university and graduated with a promising career ahead of me. Although to friends I was calm, collected and fun no one ever met my mother and behind the scenes she was a needy, selfish, paranoid control freak.

Cutting quite a long story short that would require several posts (and probably years of therapy), my mother has used many ways to control me e.g. making my rent a really expensive flat because she liked it, so I couldn’t save for my own place or to buy anything big without asking her for money. She made me give her my bank details, initially so she could “help me move money around” but basically was a way for her to check up on me. I opened another bank account in secret and when she found out she went mad, crying that I don’t trust her and that I must be doing something shady if I didn’t want her to see my outgoings! She also made a record of everything she ever spent on me and said that I needed to pay her back this sum after graduating. We agreed on an amount each month I would give her, even though she didn’t need the money but wanted to recoup her “investment”.

Things came to a head recently when I didn’t pick up her phone and she got annoyed so drew out £2000 from my bank account putting me into overdraft. It was the last straw so I cancelled all my bank accounts that she could access. She says she is entitled to any money I have because she bought me up, and it isn’t enough to pay back all the money I owe her anyhow. After this, I decided I needed to really start removing her hold on my life She has a key to my flat so I changed the locks. When I told her, she just laughed and said “I’ll get a locksmith or knock the door down, you can’t keep me out”. She also says she “helped me choose” this stupidly expensive flat and she has loads of stuff in there so she feels it is as much her flat as mine.

I stuck to my guns, and left the locks changed. I told her we shouldn’t spend Christmas together as things were so bad between us, it hurt so much to do this but she just wouldn’t accept it saying she had booked train tickets so was going to come anyway. I then got a call to say she was outside, had called a locksmith to come, and would deduct the cost of this from the money I owe (seriously?!). It’s all my fault for ruining her Christmas and she is going to make me pay. Luckily I had decided to move all my important stuff out of the flat and stay with friends over Christmas to avoid a confrontation.

I have gone over there in the night and can see the lights on in my flat, so she wasn't bluffing - this woman has illegally gotten into my flat and is staying in there against my will! She has probably changed the locks on me now! Despite very supportive close friends, this has been a dark cloud on my Christmas. After telling me she is inside my flat, I have had no contact with her, she didn’t even call on Christmas day.

I really don’t know what to do at this stage. I have no idea how long she will be in there for, or what she is doing in there. I think her plan is probably to wait me out, and make me beg to get inside my own flat. I have a lot of my things and a place to stay if I need it, but I can’t let her squat there forever. I am still paying the rent and responsible for any damage in the flat until my tenancy is up. I need to break the radio silence and call her up/go over there but I am petrifed of even seeing her right now. Some have told me the only resort is the police, but I have such a deep sense of shame about telling them this crazy drama, I’m also scared they won’t be able to help me, or that my mother will create a huge scene with all my neighbours watching.

If anyone has any kind of similar experience about getting rid of an unwanted person from your property, I would appreciate any advice. It’s especially difficult as she does a great old lady act, she knows I have a lot at stake and she has threatened to sit outside my building or my workplace telling everyone I'm a whore and a thief because I owe her money, and that I am willing to kick my own mother out of my place.

I hope you've called the police. You can always hand them what you've written here; it explains it all!

I would also alert your employer about your mum if you think she'll follow through. She sounds mentally unhinged.

I would ask the landlord if he/she would consider ending the lease based on safety reasons. It would probably be in his/her self-interest as well.

I echo all the above and I think you could make good use of some decent therapy to help disentangle yourself from this very difficult and dysfunctional relationship. It's very tough for you and will take some time

But for now, yes, police to get her out

I would not go round there without support - preferably police!

Is she named on your tenancy agreement? If not then you phone the police because what she has done is illegal and the police may also be very interested in a locksmith who is happy to provide his services to someone who is neither the property owner or the tenant. Then you move. Then you get a therapist because you are deep in the fog. You can get out but you're going to have to be brave.

This. Get police to get her out. Give notice on your flat. Move and don't tell her the address. STOP paying her money each month for the expenses of raising you. Go non contact. Get a restraining order. Get therapy. I promise your life will be hugely improved without her in it.

Just thinking that she might damage the place, wreak havoc in the building, etc.

Hugs op.
Easy to say call the police but difficult to do. I understand you feel ashamed but the shame is all hers.
We don't ask to be born. We don't choose our parents. We can choose to remove them from our lives and unfortunately that is what you need to do. She is a mother in no sense of the word.

Christ on a bike. Some of the advice on here! Call the police and have her sectioned? What law would they be using there then? There's the power of the internet at your fingertips, at least have a cursory google before spouting bollocks. Burglary? How has that been extracted from the circs in the OP?

I don't know if burglary is the correct legal term for what the OP's mother has done, but by the OP's account her mother does not have a key for the flat and it doesn't sound as if her name is on the tenancy agreeement. She got a locksmith to break into the flat for her, presumably by spinning a yarn. She has no legal right to be there at all. Surely this is breaking some law?

It is. (Depending on the tenancy) But it's not bloody burglary.

She has illegally changed the locks and gained access (and is now residing) in someone else's property.

Definitely phone 101 for some advice.

Either take a friend with you and ask her to leave, have the locks changed back or you may have to have the police remove her.

Also, your landlord needs to be notified (as far as I know tenants are not allowed to change locks without LL permission?)

In the long term, you need to move, do not give her your new address, have all her possessions in the flat returned to her. Don't allow her access to any of your accounts, or post. Make sure you hold all your own official documents.

Make your place of employment and your friends aware of the problems you have with her, so that they don't pass on any information to her if asked.

Get yourself done therapy, you need to heal.

Call the police (and mental health services if you want). Move and don't tell her where you are. Go completely no contact. And get therapy.

This woman is evil and dangerous. You don't deserve this, not remotely.

If the OP's mother's name is not on the tenancy agreement, and she is in there within the consent of the tenant (OP), surely it is trespass.

Call the police and have her sectioned? What law would they be using there then?

Erm, the law that people don't get to break into your flat? As for being sectioned, it's just a move to scare her - she probably won't be sectioned, but it will be humiliating for her to have people come for her because her daughter's told them that she's so batshit that she has broken into her home.

Breaking into the flat isn't burglary, but helping herself to £2,000 from her daughter's bank account is theft, unless that account was in joint names--in which case there's nothing to be done.

Calling the police now is the best option. You can't demand that she's sectioned: that's not up to you. But you can demand that she's removed from your home (unless of course she's on the lease, in which case you can't); and you can ask the police to tell her to stay away from you. She won't, of course, but the next time she turns up they will have a record of having asked her, which will help your case.

I agree that you shoudl give notice on the flat if you possibly can, and find somewhere else to live. No good can come of living somewhere you can't afford, which your abusive mother seems to think is hers.

And stop paying her anything for the cost of having brought you up. She can't legally demand this money from you and you don't owe her anything.

I hope it all goes well for you.

Maybe not burglary, but breaking and entering?

Can you really just call a locksmith to enter a property you have no claim on?

police.
she's broken into a flat. i'd call the police and say you don't know who's in there, your mother had said she was outside and threatened to break in but that really isn't the actions of a rational person so u don't believe it to be true.
when they find her in there insist and ambulance is called as she's clearly lost it, and needs mental help. ask the police if you can get a restraining order to keep her away from your flat. tell them ud like to press charges. once she has a criminal record and the mental health team sorting out her batshit behaviour go no contact. no one need this shit and she deserves everything she gets and worse.

No she definitely won't be sectioned because police do not have power to do that in private property. That was my point. Why post such bollocks?

Can you really just call a locksmith to enter a property you have no claim on?

That's a good question. If a locksmith doesn't establish that a person has a right of entry are they liable for the resultant entry of somebody who has no right to be inside the dwelling ?

If a locksmith doesn't establish that a person has a right of entry are they liable for the resultant entry of somebody who has no right to be inside the dwelling ?

It doesn't matter if they are or they aren't. The important thing now is for the OP to get her mother out and keep her out.

If anything this would be a criminal damage (to the lock by the lock smith on her instructions), she is then trespassing (which is civil). But if she stole anything or damaged anything in the flat it would then be burglary.

A locksmith will ask for proof of residency or ownership before assisting someone in gaining entry.

Please do not offer "have her sectioned" as advice to anyone dealing with a relative like this. It simply does not work like that. It is almost impossible to get mental health support for an adult without the involvement of outside services. Immediate help will be available to acutely psychiatrically unwell people but you're joking if you think that's available to people with pds who aren't actively suicidal or psychotic. You can't just phone up the psychiatry fairies and they just pop round and whisk your rellie away because you want it!! Trust me, and everyone else who's had to deal with this kind of thing.

Op if you feel calling the police is too much then please consider going in to your local station and speaking to the officer on the desk. They'll be able to advise you and they're usually very helpful.

I'm just wondering now how much the police could do. Unless she gets violent, is it just a civil eviction (squatter) matter?

Could you have a locksmith and some friends ready for next time she's out, presumably she'll need food at some point. Maybe let the landlord know too, you could give notice at the same time and start looking elsewhere. Maybe call 101 for advice on what to do if she kicks off.