starting to hate my mil

[emmyr84]

The woman is seriously starting to get to me and has actually resulted in me having panic attacks about how she is going to be once our baby girl is born in April.

Before we even got pregnant, she informed me on Boxing Day 2014 that I needed to lose weight, so that when we eventually had children I would actually be around to see them grow up. Little did she know that we had actually been ttc for 4 years prior to that with no luck.

And since announcing this very much wanted pregnancy she has made me feel awful for getting excited. Telling us not to go shopping to "give other people a chance to buy things".

We were in a store ordering our pram back in December. I was testing out the one hand push and she pulled the pram off me and walked off to the other side of the store. And because we had to go around the local stores to collect all of the bits and pieces to it, she went into a major strop. Started complaining very loudly and tried to drag my dh off to persuade him to choose another pram (we've chosen the Britax Affinity and she was trying to get dh to choose an Icandy - bit of a difference price wise).

Then when we made the mistake of saying that we liked the name Elizabeth with Libby for a nickname, her response was "well I will call her Lizzie", despite both me and dh saying that Lizzie just wasn't an option to us.

When we collected the pram and started putting it together to check everything was there, she literally snatched the pram out of dh's hands and started prancing around the front room saying "I can't wait to take my baby for a walk round the estate"

I've got gestational diabetes and at a family wedding a few weeks ago she decided to ask me at our table full of people when I would be taking my insulin injection. Despite me having said the night before and that morning that I was leaving everything in the car as I didn't want people knowing because I feel very embarassed about it.

The same night she announced that once their kitchen was sorted (they've had a new one installed) that she would be going on a spending spree and she didn't care if I didn't like something, all that mattered was if she liked it or not. So at this point I'd had enough of her and said that she shouldn't buy any jeans as the baby will not be wearing them as to me they don't look comfortable. And the face on her was a picture.

She keeps hinting to have the baby on her own. And practically screamed at me on Thursday night "why aren't we babysitting?!?" when we asked fil to watch our dog for the day on dh's birthday so that we can do something as a family of three.

Then yesterday when we got back from hospital, she has now started dropping hints about wanting to take the baby to work with her so that she can show her off. And I can imagine the backlash already when I say no as I don't want my daughter passing around several women that I don't know.

We've tried explaining that we don't want visiting for too long as the hospital and she said "well I will be there anyway" as if she expects to be waiting at the hospital while I'm in labour.

And I'm terrified that she's going to try and take over and ruin the precious first days for us. To the extent where I've started having panic attacks and have had to talk to the midwife about getting some help to limit her visiting hours once our dd is here.

I know all of these probably sound so pathetic and petty, but they've been adding up for so long and I'm really worrying about how I'm going to be strong enough to take control once dd is here, even though dh fully supports me and understands where I'm coming from

And dh seems to think I'm being unreasonable and possessive when I say that I will happily walk up there one afternoon when we're over for a visit so her friends can see her, but one sign of mil attempting to take over and I will be turning around and going back to the house

OP I think you need your DH's support yes, but you don't have to run absolutely everything past him. Things like the above can be inflammatory, and he will feel conflicted between his mum and his wife. (I do agree with you, btw, but just not to actually say it to him, as he might dig his heels in).

E.g. With the above - tell him you'll agree to taking the baby to mil's work yourself as you said, but keep the rest to yourself. Then, when you get there, be in control of the situation. If she starts to take over, know in yourself that you are the mum and you can and will take charge and have things the way you want them.

In short, I think I'm saying have faith and confidence in yourself OP

Sounds like your partner is in support of your feelings, but that doesn't mean he will be able to feel the same level of anger that you do, not quite, as it's his mum.

Be in charge

OP I have a mil like yours. A couple of things to try that helped us:
we found this idea of 'enthusiastic agreement' extremely useful
www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5027_qa.html
The key word is enthusiastic agreement. You don't sound enthusiastic about many of the agreements you've been making with DH about the boundaries for MIL so you are being dragged along with what he wants. You need to both be 'enthusiastic' about the boundaries, then you need to stand firm when she tries to push them

The other thing i found useful was to explain to him that I was simply his wife asking him for his help in a situation that is making me very anxious and distressed and I needed him to help me. His help doesn't always have to involve conflict with mil (although if she's not going to respect your boundaries/rules/opinions it may come to that) but there are plenty of non-conflict ways to help to. He can start by keeping an eye on you when you are with MIL. Any sign of you looking stressed and he makes a quick excuse to whisk you to the other room for a few mins or even to leave. You could have a sign like you squeezing his hand or something so that he knows he needs to step in and help you. He can politely ask mil not to discuss certain topics or he can change the subject or tell her you don't want her opinion. You could keep the visits short while you try this out.

mil is still difficult to deal with but at least me and DH are working together now to manage it rather than arguing between ourselves.

Your handling all this really well! Your right to do something now and not let this continue. Good luck!

Running from your link - I have found the following statement really powerful

*My experience as a marriage counselor has taught me that if he wants a decent marriage he must learn to put your interests before all others. That means whatever he does for his mother MUST be with your enthusiastic agreement, or he should not do it. Every act of care he gives to his mother must be screened by you first. If it makes you uncomfortable, you work together to find other ways she could be cared for.

For example, suppose she calls at 7:30 in the evening wanting to talk to him about something. He should first ask how you feel about taking time out of your evening together to talk to his mother. You may agree to his conversation with her as long as it's no longer than ten minutes. He then respects your feelings by watching the clock and ending the conversation within the ten minutes.*

Yes me and DH found it a simple but really powerful tool. We hadn't realised but previously either DH wouldn't ask me about that 7:30pm call or if he did ask I would agree reluctantly and then be quietly getting angry as I needed DH for something.

Now DH will come and ask for an enthusiastic agreement anytime he feels conflict brewing (doesn't have to be mil related!) and I do the same with him. It's important to remember that you both have to be enthusiastic tho. So I can't just tell him were not going to speak to mil at all as he wouldn't be enthusiastic about that. That's why he tries to look after me and help me when we so see her. We're still working on this last bit but it is getting better. The conflict between us was terrible before we put these 2 things in place

Good luck OP keep working at it and you will get there in the end. It painful but it needs to be done.

I'be only read the first and last page of this thread so apologies if I end up repeating anything.
I envy that you're seeking advice on this matter now before your baby is born: your gut is telling you this isn't right so listen to it. If only I'd listened to mine.
My MIL like yours, acted as if she was about to become a new mother all the way through my pregnancy. She kitted out a nursery before I'd even made it to 20 weeks and was prancing around the house with her own pushchair even before that! I kept on telling myself that she was just excited whilst dying a little more inside each time she assumed ownership over my baby!
She vetoed all our name choices and kept supplying her own choices- our saving grace in the end was our 'definitely a boy' coming out a girl and her having made no name choices for a girl. So she was already named by the time she arrived at the hospital!

When we took DD home it began. The random visits, constant phone calls, the persistent criticisms- I wasn't feeding her correctly, wasn't bathing her correctly, was dressing her incorrectly blah blah blah. It was horrendous. I had PND in the end and had to limit contact. DH and I almost separated, it was awful.
Don't let this crap happen to you.
firm boundaries needed. If she can't respect them just don't involve her, see her and involve her a bit less everything she oversteps the mark. She will learn.
When I posted on MN in need of desperate advice with MIL 2 years ago, I was told to get a DH on board get him to rein in his mum's behaviour. My advice is to tell DH you're not accepting any meddling from her etc and then next time she oversteps the mark YOU tell her infront of him. It's hard at first but the more you do it the better you become. My DH has been more accepting since I've taken ownership of the situation and stopped expecting him to. I wish I'd demanded much more space after DD was born for me and her to bond. The first 6 weeks especially is abut your relationship with her not even your DH'S YOURS. Everyone else can get lost. Don't take any crap xxx

Great advice Loopin.

Just remember it is YOUR baby not hers. She can have an opinion but not a decision.

Well apparently we have spoilt her plans for bank holiday monday

Dh is having to work his day off (monday) as I have a diabetic appointment at the hospital on the tuesday. And apparently they had been planning on coming to visit us (no actual mention of this to us and I don't think there would have been until the night before when fil makes his weekly phone call).

I'm starting to limit the information she gets from us, so I didn't say much at all when we got there on monday night. Just focused on getting comfortable after the drive over there. I was polite though and spoke when spoken to, just didn't go into any details. Though when we walked into the spare bedroom the heating was ramped right up (she knows I get too hot easily and that it makes me panicky) so we had to switch that off and open the window for the night and I ended up with about 4-5 hours of broken sleep

I'm sure she's dying to know about my appointment but all I said was that it had gone fine and baby was measuring great, she didn't need any other information, so she didn't get any. And about 20 minutes after she'd got back from work we were packing the car and heading off. Little does she know that we actually have our induction date and we're contemplating not saying anything about that until we go over there the night before

I'm pleased youre feeling a little better now.

Do you have to go over there the night before the induction? Can you not drop the dog off and say it's so you can have a good sleep before the baby comes? Then book into a hotel, rather than staying at theirs

Well done - you are taking back control. I too would think about staying elsewhere the night before induction if possible. It is a very anxious time - I felt like it was like going to the gallows - you may well be v stressed - you don't need any more stress at that time as you will be v vulnerable either the stress of maintaining your boundaries or undoing the obstructions at her home (heating up) or her kicking off about something - take yourself out if punching distance if you can.

I would seriously consider staying elsewhere the night before your induction if at all possible.

What does your DH make of their behaviour now?.

His parents are and remain unreasonable and I think they will further up the power and control antes once your child is born as well. His mother will want to play mother again with your child.

Find a nice B&B, really. You won't regret it, and you will have a quiet night and a gentle mornng.

Has your dh read the high chair thread?

Induction can take a REALLY long time. Mine took 48 hours from start to finish and I've heard of others that go longer. Also, sometimes you need a bit more recovery time depending on how things go in the end.

You could fib buy some time by just sending a quick txt "still waiting, nothing to report" while in reality you were deep in the throes of full labour. Sneaky, but would take off some pressure.

The other option would be total and utter radio silence once you enter the hospital. Make sure she's aware that induction can last for days and that the hospital is strict on visitors. Then reinforce the message that her son will be in contact at the appropriate time.

We're going for the total silence and phones off approach, then dh can phone his parents once she's here and we're in our room/bay and I will get in touch with my mum. I was explaining to my mum earlier today and she was all for it. Midwives will also be given instructions that no information is to be given out to anyone

Dh is reluctant to stay anywhere else the night before because of cost as he wants to pay for a private room for us for after the birth. But, he did promise me that things will be done on our terms that night whether they like it or not. And considering I have to be at the hospital for 09.00 am (which means leaving the house by 08.00 at the latest (to make sure we get parking), I highly doubt either mil or fil will be up and about by that time so we can take it at our own pace

He hasn't read the highchair thread, but I did give him the gist of it when I was reading it. And it does kind of seem like a switch has gone off since we've had our induction date yesterday, maybe he's finally realised that he needs to knuckle down and put me first rather than trying to appease her

"Dh is reluctant to stay anywhere else the night before because of cost as he wants to pay for a private room for us for after the birth. But, he did promise me that things will be done on our terms that night whether they like it or not"

Well I can tell you now that they are not going to like it. I think a night somewhere else other than his parents house would be far better for you in particular. You are in her "territory" after all in her house and I doubt very much whether either of them will sleep much. Their very presence may well be unsettling to you and you could be on edge or feel judged the whole time.

Your last sentence is all very well and good but your DH is still very much in FOG with regards to his parents, particularly his mother. I cannot see him being able to fully stand up for himself and his own family unit in her presence particularly when she gets going.

I think they should add another letter to FOG: A for Avoidance. Your DH talks about how his parents won't ... this or will .... that in much the same way I talked about homework to my parents. And, sorry, OP, but I think you've caught a bit of it. You're writing "he promises ..." (words!) and "... I hope ..." (based on what exactly?) a lot but you've shown us no evidence of his actions changing.

Why did he not hit the roof about your room temperature, for instance? And how can a private room afterwards be more important than shielding you from MIL the night before?

I really hope I'm wrong, but the Meteorology Department of Mumsnet predicts a season of shitstorms.

A hotel room the night before will be money well spent. You can have a peaceful night and the room at the temperature you want. Plus some hospitals (mine, for example) do not allow patients who've had a section to be in a separate room because of monitoring, so you could economise on this and then find the private room is ruled out anyway. It is certainly a false economy to not do the one thing that will give you a restful night before induction.

Also, on the dog question, please listen to advice given here and book him into a sitter/kennel. He will be fine, you'll avoid having to be in contact with MIL, and it will be far easier all round if anything doesn't fit the expected timetable to have done this. Let's say for example that the hospital want to keep you in for an extra day or so for something. Quick call to the sitter to extend the dog's stay: no problem. Phone call or visit to MIL to explain what's happening? Major dramatics, I would bet, and your DH under lots of pressure to give an account of the birth which will be hard to resist. Honestly, you need to put yourself first on this, and the dog will be perfectly well looked after.

YY to a kennel. They are not bad places, the people who work in them genuinely love animals.
NN to staying with MIL the night before induction. Why do you still want to hand her power?
To your DH, just say,"no." It's up to him to face MIL, not you.
Tell him to grow a pair and support you.

Agree with the extra A in FOG you are way ahead of your DH in understanding the toxic, dysfunctional and abusive dynamics going on here as you are from a normal family - your DH has been conditioned to tip toe around her to avoid an eruption what he is doing here is 'minimising" - he may not be conscious of it - ie she wont do this - I doubt she will do that etc ... just to avoid engaging/confronting her and the fear of conflict.

Be pre emptive always - assume the worst and deal with it up front.

Look at the stress she has inflicted so far - you have waited a very long time for this precious pure time - please dont give her the opportunity to POLLUTE it...

Good luck and take care.

Don't want to burst your bubble OP, but no way in hell will this work. You NEED to book your dog in somewhere. As soon as you give them the dog they will be, practically, stalking you. Your mil is liable to turn up at your house and if you're not there she will stalk pug the hospital. You don't need her outside causing grief. Please listen to all the posters about your dog. I'm currently sitting with my wee dog at my feet, one each side of me and one is stretched out in the back room. Your dog will be much happier in doggy day care that in a house with a ranting mil, when she finds out/suspects what you've done. She's also liable to refuse to look after your dog in future, just to get her own back.

I've no idea why a random pug will be at the hospital! maybe it's a therapy dog

therapy dog - if only you could persuade the nurses that that is what your dog is.

Yes to B&B
Yes to kennels
Yes to FOGA

I would really really recommend the hotel or b and b the night before induction for a better nights sleep.....you need your energy before you go...
you may or may not get/need a room after i would sort that out when you get there - we'd planned a room but i ended up with a c section and was not allowed as had to be observed.... another friend had planned but was out in 6 hours so not needed - all the sleep and reduction of stress you can get before -priceless

To be honest I think both of you are in avoidance.

You seem to be actively setting up the whole situation to make it harder for yourselves. You really will need a decent night's sleep before an induction, there is no way you will outwit your mother in law, I would be astounded if you keep her off your backs during labour. Just put the dog in kennels and stay in a premier Inn.

If you don't let MIL have her own way over your birth , she will create a lot of trouble for you. I suspect that she will refuse at the last minute to keep the dog for you , or take it and then insist that your DH comes to stay with them to look after it . Or cut short his visiting time in some way .

So your DH will have to choose between being in hospital with you and the baby and looking after the dog.

You need to understand that there's no such thing as a free lunch with people like this . Every tiny thing they do for you will cost you dearly .