starting to hate my mil

[emmyr84]

The woman is seriously starting to get to me and has actually resulted in me having panic attacks about how she is going to be once our baby girl is born in April.

Before we even got pregnant, she informed me on Boxing Day 2014 that I needed to lose weight, so that when we eventually had children I would actually be around to see them grow up. Little did she know that we had actually been ttc for 4 years prior to that with no luck.

And since announcing this very much wanted pregnancy she has made me feel awful for getting excited. Telling us not to go shopping to "give other people a chance to buy things".

We were in a store ordering our pram back in December. I was testing out the one hand push and she pulled the pram off me and walked off to the other side of the store. And because we had to go around the local stores to collect all of the bits and pieces to it, she went into a major strop. Started complaining very loudly and tried to drag my dh off to persuade him to choose another pram (we've chosen the Britax Affinity and she was trying to get dh to choose an Icandy - bit of a difference price wise).

Then when we made the mistake of saying that we liked the name Elizabeth with Libby for a nickname, her response was "well I will call her Lizzie", despite both me and dh saying that Lizzie just wasn't an option to us.

When we collected the pram and started putting it together to check everything was there, she literally snatched the pram out of dh's hands and started prancing around the front room saying "I can't wait to take my baby for a walk round the estate"

I've got gestational diabetes and at a family wedding a few weeks ago she decided to ask me at our table full of people when I would be taking my insulin injection. Despite me having said the night before and that morning that I was leaving everything in the car as I didn't want people knowing because I feel very embarassed about it.

The same night she announced that once their kitchen was sorted (they've had a new one installed) that she would be going on a spending spree and she didn't care if I didn't like something, all that mattered was if she liked it or not. So at this point I'd had enough of her and said that she shouldn't buy any jeans as the baby will not be wearing them as to me they don't look comfortable. And the face on her was a picture.

She keeps hinting to have the baby on her own. And practically screamed at me on Thursday night "why aren't we babysitting?!?" when we asked fil to watch our dog for the day on dh's birthday so that we can do something as a family of three.

Then yesterday when we got back from hospital, she has now started dropping hints about wanting to take the baby to work with her so that she can show her off. And I can imagine the backlash already when I say no as I don't want my daughter passing around several women that I don't know.

We've tried explaining that we don't want visiting for too long as the hospital and she said "well I will be there anyway" as if she expects to be waiting at the hospital while I'm in labour.

And I'm terrified that she's going to try and take over and ruin the precious first days for us. To the extent where I've started having panic attacks and have had to talk to the midwife about getting some help to limit her visiting hours once our dd is here.

I know all of these probably sound so pathetic and petty, but they've been adding up for so long and I'm really worrying about how I'm going to be strong enough to take control once dd is here, even though dh fully supports me and understands where I'm coming from

If you agree to induction she won't know exactly when you're birthing, unless she decides to stake out the unit for up to several days...

just make sure dh calls her about an hour after the birth

No. Put off making that call for as long as you can feasibly get away with.

Well she sounds like a right prize ;) Hope your DH is worth it ;) I think it sounds like you're doing all the right things and managing a difficult woman as best you can.

Deffo go for the Moby :)

Congratulations! . . . I'm due 7th April too!

I wouldn't even let her come to the hosp. Just call and let her know when you're home and feel strong enough for her visit

I think the dog's comfort might need to come second to the comfort of you and the baby for a week or two, unfortunately. The only way to keep MIL away from the labour ward is not to tell her when you're in labour. If you need to be induced, give her a later date and then surprise her with the happy news.

emmyr,

re your comment:-

"NewLife4Me she's been so involved because I've forced myself to suck it up at times. We lived with them at the beginning of our relationship and not seeing my parents enough was horrendous, I missed out on so much time with my dad and since he died I've really regretted that".

You have basically transferred your own experience with your parents to his mother. The big problem with that approach is that you cannot apply the "normal" rules of familial interactions to dysfunctional people like his mother. It does not work and she sees you as a pushover. You have acted as a pushover when it comes to her and it has cost you dearly.

Your mother is nice and your late father was also emotionally healthy. Unfortunately your DH got the shit end of the stick here and his mother is not at all emotionally healthy. It is not your fault she is the ways she is; her son and you have not caused that to happen.

She was not a good parent to him, she is unlikely to be a decent example of a grandparent to your child because she will keep on trying to undermine your authority as parents. She is already doing that and will keep on doing so.

You do not mention FIL in all this; where is he?.

What does your DH think of his mother these days; is he actually strong enough to keep calling her out on her behaviours. He cannot afford to not act because doing that simply hurts him as well as you. He may well want her approval still, approval btw she will never give.

You certainly need firmer, higher and consistently applied boundaries. They are way too low currently and his mother has taken full advantage. This is going to be hard as you've never really had to do that before now but you will only get further hurt otherwise.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this could also help you.

Does she even realise that you and your DH are the baby's parents, not her?

Tell her the consultant has changed your induction date to a slightly later one, book the dog into kennels, go to your original induction as planned, just you and DH, and don'let her know anything until well after the birth.

Stop including her in so much and don't tell her any of your medical issues because you cannot trust her to be discreet.

To put it lightly she is very spoiled by fil, bil and dh. She wants her way and she WILL get it. Even though when she threw a paddy about not babysitting, fil actually turned around and said he would not be comfortable watching the baby on his own (as mil would be at work for a portion of the day). This woman threw a paddy about the beef being taken out of the oven earlier than SHE wanted (she likes crumbly overdone beef and over boiled veg). I think this is how she has got her way with them all over the years.

I'm severely tempted to ask my mum if she will have the dog as he's such a good, settled boy and we just go straight to the hospital and come straight back. Then go and see the in laws when we're ready (as I would like to be able to introduce the baby to my extended family too)

emmyr,

re your comment:-
"To put it lightly she is very spoiled by fil, bil and dh"

They have simply made her inbuilt bad behaviour a lot worse by further enabling it. They have probably said things like, "well you know what she is like". Their inertia when it comes to her has simply hurt them as well as you.

Your MIL has always wanted her own way probably from childhood as well; what if anything do you know of her own familial background. That often provides clues.

I would stay well away from his side of the family as of now; no good will come of any further interactions between you and these people and you will be the one who will get the most hurt. Its already begun, she will not stop once your child is born but will likely further raise the power and control antes even higher. She will continue to undermine you at all and any opportunity. She could well go onto use your DHs relations as "flying monkeys" to further try and control you by getting them to do her bidding.

It will also do your child no favours either to be exposed to such malign influences like MIL and her enabler weak willed husband. Such men are indeed weak and also act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

Place your dog also with someone other than his mother. She cannot be relied upon anyway.

Sorry you feel like this. What I will say is your hatred for this woman is pretty apparent

Why don't you put the dog with your mum and then either pay for a dog walker or use borrow my doggy?

ladylambkin - "What I will say is your hatred for this woman is pretty apparent"

After everything she has said or done, more so her recent antics and behaviour, I'm not surprised to be honest. I've never been hostile towards her. Always bent backwards to try and be the perfect dil. Both her and fil have done a lot for us and been very kind, which I will always appreciate. But enough is enough, it doesn't give her the right to make me feel like this. To push me and have me worrying to the extent where I've had panic attacks about how to deal with her just isn't on

People can only push you so far emmy, I'm not surprised you feel the way you do about her either

Had a chat with dh last night and he wants to stick to our original plan. He feels with everything going on with my mum (a lot of personal stuff) that the dog would not get the attention that he deserves and at least he knows his mum and dad will make sure he's walked and has lots of fusses.

I will admit to feeling a bit let down by that, but I can't force him to see my side of things. Though I have told him that both of our phones will be switched off until I say it's time to phone our parents, the labour ward will be instructed in my birth plan not to give information to anyone or let anyone other than dh in and that also in my birth plan I will be putting no visitors until I say we're ready and we've phoned and asked them to come in. Mil is off work when I'm due to be induced as it's smack bang in the easter holidays.

I can't see this ending well, but I'm going to do my hardest to make sure my wishes are protected in all of this and that she doesn't ruin what's meant to be a special time for us

OH should be telling her NOW she is making you ill by her invasive behaviour, & tell her it has to stop before everyone "falls out" if she doesn't like it, then too bad, its not her baby, & you want to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy & new born without bullying.

The dog does not deserve fussing more than you deserve to labour and give birth in peace!

I think your DH is being a bit optimistic TBH, but if that's what's been agreed then fine. However I would make it crystal clear to your DH that he is responsible for keeping his DM out of the hospital, because you do not need the stress. Has he thought about how he is going to actually A) keep her away (not likely) and B) keep her out of the delivery room? Bearing in mind that he is supposed to be there to support you, how does he plan to do that AND be arguing with her outside the delivery room door? Has he thought about the effect of stress on your labour?

I am precious about my dogs - I really, really am! However I would take him to your Mums - how long are you likely to be in hospital? The dog will be fine and it's only temporary. The moment the dog does to your PIL your MIL will kick off - you know this is going to happen. Also if MIL is going to be up at the hospital trying to make a nuisance of herself, then who is looking after your dog?

He's too much like his dad and just wants an easy life. Conflict really worries him as his mum can turn quite nasty (I've seen her do it with sil several times when she has stood up for herself). But to be fair to him when she has overstepped the mark recently since the wedding (I think that was a step too far for him) he has been putting her in her place. So although he won't come out and say it to her now, he will help me to make sure my wishes are respected.

Believe me when I say I won't be giving in to the bullying or the hints for that matter. We actually have a scan over there in a week or so and she's been hinting like crazy to come with, but I'm just acting really ignorant as if I'm not understanding what she's hinting for. If my mum can't get into a scan with us because of her wheelchair, then I sure as hell won't be voluntarily letting mil come to one.

Oh dear you need to tell him you feel let down by that.
Be totally ho est with him
You are having panic attacks because of her behaviour and you are pregnant with his child
He really needs to shift his priorities here and change his mi diet.
Yes he needs to inform her that he will not be letting anyone know when you arhave the baby until you are ready and he needs to do it. Ow and then he needs to fied all communication between you.
In short he needs to look after you.
Please try and stick up for yourself and your baby more now because after the birth you will be more vulnerable
Also do discuss visiting and length of and him agreeing to all that's needed for you to recover in peace and have a lovely baby moon as a new family of three.

JolseBaby to actually get onto the labour ward she would have to get through a door manned by an intercom, so we would make it known to the staff that she's not to be let in if she had the nerve to turn up (though it wouldn't surprise me if she did). So her being outside the delivery room won't even be an option thankfully

Inertia I don't think he's saying that the dog deserves fusses etc more than I deserve to give birth as peacefully as possible. His dad is looking forward to having the dog and he would only be 15 minutes away from us, so dh could easily pop back to see him if he even wanted to.

mamas12 he did tell his parents the other day that our phones would be off until we were ready to get in touch and let them know. And he's actually said that he's going to tell a bit of a fib and say because I've had an induction that I need extra rest and that the in laws can only visit for a 1 hour time slot when it suits us

"He's too much like his dad and just wants an easy life. Conflict really worries him as his mum can turn quite nasty (I've seen her do it with sil several times when she has stood up for herself)"

These are serious problems. Your DH has learnt to become a bystander and act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life from his own father. Such men often also become completely conflict averse but his whole family of origin have let her behaviours go unchecked with predictable result. His mother's overt need for power and control has caused your SIL problems too.

Your DH may never be able to stand up for his own self when it comes to his mother. He needs to realise that his own inertia when it comes to his mother simply hurts him as well as you and your child. He will need to rewrite the relationship he has with his mother but will likely not be able to or even want to. He would much rather upset you than his mother; he is far more afraid of her. Fear, obligation and guilt are some of many damaging legacies left by such inadequate parents to their now adult offspring.

At the very least you must maintain firm and consistent boundaries. Bad behaviour from her should not be at all rewarded.

Good well that's a start
Lie as much as you want but in my book that's just the bare truth.
Please go through all (however outlandish you think they would be) scenarios that you are afraid would happen and cause you distress and therefor baby and come up with either preemptive solutions or ways of him dealing with it.
Be assertive, and if he says oh she won't do that just say humour me these are genuine anxieties and we need to sort it.

So your husband wants an easy life?

With whom??

Realistically, what can MIL do?

Get annoyed & stomp about-so what??

Refuse to visit you-oh dear!

I suggest seriously, that an hour long visit in the first few days is LONG.
but you can say, "I'm sorry I'm tired & the baby will wake/sleep/feed soon, & I need to recharge my batteries, so you won't mind leaving now?"
if she says, oh I'll just sit & hold the baby while you rest, you say, "No I don't want anyone holding the baby, she needs to learn that sleep is in her basket/crib, it is setting me up for infinite problems" if she continues, you say "if you won't respect my wishes I will be obliged to ask the nurse to tell you to leave & it does not bode well for our future" when she has gone, you can do as you please

Also, at some point, you are going to have to tell her, that you understand she is so excited about the baby, but you will need to have to learn (yes it's huge unknown territory) & adapt to your babies needs, & you will not be up for regular drop ins, she will have to phone you & you will tell her if & when it's convenient.
You actually hold all the cards, she needs you baby, you don't need her !
So please stand up for yourself, be polite but firm, if she gets angry, say, "Your theatrics are not good for my stress, I am leaving" you stand up & walk out

Also, I can imagine she is the sort of person who gives sweets, snacks, & general spoiling the gc when she is looking after her. & undermining your rules.
All this behaviour has to be reigned in now. its avoidable if you make a stand Toxic in laws cause massive problems, & regularly lead to divorce.
Your OH needs to decide who he is supporting primarily.