starting to hate my mil

[emmyr84]

The woman is seriously starting to get to me and has actually resulted in me having panic attacks about how she is going to be once our baby girl is born in April.

Before we even got pregnant, she informed me on Boxing Day 2014 that I needed to lose weight, so that when we eventually had children I would actually be around to see them grow up. Little did she know that we had actually been ttc for 4 years prior to that with no luck.

And since announcing this very much wanted pregnancy she has made me feel awful for getting excited. Telling us not to go shopping to "give other people a chance to buy things".

We were in a store ordering our pram back in December. I was testing out the one hand push and she pulled the pram off me and walked off to the other side of the store. And because we had to go around the local stores to collect all of the bits and pieces to it, she went into a major strop. Started complaining very loudly and tried to drag my dh off to persuade him to choose another pram (we've chosen the Britax Affinity and she was trying to get dh to choose an Icandy - bit of a difference price wise).

Then when we made the mistake of saying that we liked the name Elizabeth with Libby for a nickname, her response was "well I will call her Lizzie", despite both me and dh saying that Lizzie just wasn't an option to us.

When we collected the pram and started putting it together to check everything was there, she literally snatched the pram out of dh's hands and started prancing around the front room saying "I can't wait to take my baby for a walk round the estate"

I've got gestational diabetes and at a family wedding a few weeks ago she decided to ask me at our table full of people when I would be taking my insulin injection. Despite me having said the night before and that morning that I was leaving everything in the car as I didn't want people knowing because I feel very embarassed about it.

The same night she announced that once their kitchen was sorted (they've had a new one installed) that she would be going on a spending spree and she didn't care if I didn't like something, all that mattered was if she liked it or not. So at this point I'd had enough of her and said that she shouldn't buy any jeans as the baby will not be wearing them as to me they don't look comfortable. And the face on her was a picture.

She keeps hinting to have the baby on her own. And practically screamed at me on Thursday night "why aren't we babysitting?!?" when we asked fil to watch our dog for the day on dh's birthday so that we can do something as a family of three.

Then yesterday when we got back from hospital, she has now started dropping hints about wanting to take the baby to work with her so that she can show her off. And I can imagine the backlash already when I say no as I don't want my daughter passing around several women that I don't know.

We've tried explaining that we don't want visiting for too long as the hospital and she said "well I will be there anyway" as if she expects to be waiting at the hospital while I'm in labour.

And I'm terrified that she's going to try and take over and ruin the precious first days for us. To the extent where I've started having panic attacks and have had to talk to the midwife about getting some help to limit her visiting hours once our dd is here.

I know all of these probably sound so pathetic and petty, but they've been adding up for so long and I'm really worrying about how I'm going to be strong enough to take control once dd is here, even though dh fully supports me and understands where I'm coming from

Oh, and re your future daughter's name: "You've had a chance to name child(ren), and now it's our turn. You will respect our name choice and use it or you won't be speaking to child(ren).'2

hey op,

extending a hand really and saying please feel free to pm me for a chat or advice.

search my previous threads, we had the exact same problem with my mil, we even planned a home birth to keep her away, as she works at the hospital she threatened that she knew every one on the wards and they would let her in. I had to go to hospital to have my dd and we told all the staff she was not to come in under any circumstances.

Your dh sounds like he is on board, which is a good thing. I mean this in the nicest way possible- this will only get worse when your dd gets here so nip it in the bud now

I was worrying so much about having to stand up to her but let me tell you, once that baby is in your arms you will know just what to say to keep mil's grubby hands off her!

remember- she had no rights whatsoever over your precious dd, and if your mil is making you anxious, unhappy or worried you have every right to with hold contact.

what really helped me was to remember- these first precious days/ weeks/ months with your baby only happen once, do not let her ruin them.

EweAreHere to be fair to dh he has actually stood up to her and has been doing so alot more recently. He was the one who put her in her place when she made a fuss about us not leaving the baby with them when we go out for dh's birthday. He actually said "well it's my birthday and I want my daughter with me!", she soon shut up

He couldn't really cause a fuss at his cousin's wedding as he knows from our own personal experience how upsetting it can be when arguments happen between other family members. He sat with his hand on my knee and came outside with me when I needed to calm down.

Things like saying she will buy what she likes and it doesn't matter if you like it - that is pure marking her territory, people who say things like this are establishing their dominance and your compliance. It's like people who say 'I'm like this, take me or leave me' with a subtext that says 'I'm telling you I get to do what I want and you get to deal with it, me more important, your feelings second to mine'. No. Don't just swallow any statement or action like that and let her get away with it or you've affirmed to her that she's got that power over you, there's a subtext going on here. You need to face her down every time. For example if she says: 'It doesn't matter if you like it, I'll buy what I like anyway.'

Look her straight in the eye and say loud and clear. 'As I'm the baby's mother, I'll be only using and dressing her in what I like. So if you buy things I don't like I'm afraid they'll be going to the charity shop, which would be a shame.' It will feel very rude: said to anyone with normal social behaviour it would be, but when someone is pissing on their territory like this you need to be very clear with them that you aren't giving over boundaries. People who behave like this, whether they are doing it intentionally or not, still rely on you being nicer, kinder, more empathic and caring than they are and so not standing up to their behaviour. If she takes things away from you, follow her and take them back. (Good for dh standing up to this.)

You will probably need to weather some tears and tantrums when she's stood up to and her behaviour stops working for her, but being upset doesn't make her right, being upset will not hurt her and why is it ok for her to upset you while you and dh protect her feelings? She is the one behaving badly. Strong, clear boundaries, friendly and calm but very firm, you do not need this stress.

Personally I would think about a professional dog sitter if you are worried about her being convinced that the birth will be all about her. The less she knows the less she will be able to take control.

You need to read the other thread about the high chair -- this needs to be nipped in the bud asap - ignore the bluster and just deal with it - it only goes one way.....She is toxic and is ruining your precious pregnancy - do not let her have another minute of your emotional health. Do minimise this and think that you are hormonal and over reacting - do not let the enablers (FIL?DH?) etc say "let it lie" - these men are always wrong and are the reason she has grown into such a controlling over bearing nightmare ....

Stop spending so much time with her, cut down what you tell her.
Get ready to stop her spoiling your newborn time.

I have a very similar mil.
I said no visitors for 5 days ( put it in your notes) mine tried to get access and was sent away.
Buy a sling and tell her you are doing attachment parenting. " you can have a quick squeeze but then l need her back"
Breastfeed for a year, you can go upstairs with her whenever mil annoys you "I need to feed her privately, it can take a long time do I'll say a quick good bye now"
She can never go out alone with her ( attachment parenting)
She needs to call before visits to check it's convenient. My mil wailed and screamed about this one and her right to come whenever she wanted! So be prepared.
Have a mystery illness that requires short visits.
Net curtains and a note on the door for the first month.

She will know it's crap but you need to establish very early on its your baby and your rules. You DH will need to back you up. My DH had to be forced to stand up to his. ( thought it was ok to force me to entertain them while he fucked off out)

I would definitely avoid her having your dog as it gives her some control in the situation, which is exactly what you want to avoid.

Honestly OP, she sounds awful but manageable at the moment. I would not be surprised though if you came back here within the next year to discuss going NC with her. Sometimes people get overexcited and don't know how to deal with that and it comes out the wrong way. Other times they really are just very bad people.

Ultimately though, this is your DH's issue to deal with - get him to manage her.

Just an aside - re the thing about your BILs fiance, be careful about making little comments about mutual family/friends in front of your MIL. If she is the type of person she sounds to be, that will be used against you and you don't need her running back to the family telling them about the rude comments you are making, etc etc. You will be seen as the unreasonable one and may not get support from the family in dealing with MIL.

I'd suggest getting a sling like a close caboo or a Moby so she can't just rock up and take baby easily.

Are you planning on breastfeeding. If so send her this leaflet.
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.breastmilk.co.uk/pdfs/Start%25204%2520life%2520-%2520Grandparents%2520Guide%2520To%2520Breastfeeding%2520Leaflet.pdf&ved=0ahUKEwjHkur8y7vLAhXJqxoKHbJEBlQQFggmMAM&usg=AFQjCNF_LkW-f1HuBcNSeu_0ooJf2BxVcg&sig2=g4_lKb_pRIP0VYnfOWfv5g" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.breastmilk.co.uk/pdfs/Start%25204%2520life%2520-%2520Grandparents%2520Guide%2520To%2520Breastfeeding%2520Leaflet.pdf&ved=0ahUKEwjHkur8y7vLAhXJqxoKHbJEBlQQFggmMAM&usg=AFQjCNF_LkW-f1HuBcNSeu_0ooJf2BxVcg&sig2=g4_lKb_pRIP0VYnfOWfv5g

I have two dogs - in your shoes I would be looking at a dog sitter or kennels. I hate leaving mine but the kennels that I use are lovely. Honestly, the moment that you tell your MIL you know that she'll go into orbit. So by making other arrangements for the dog you can at least control when MIL descends.

She's excited about having a grandchild - that's great. But if she doesn't understand that you and your H don't want her sitting outside the labour room, then you need to find an alternative dog sitter. Especially that in practice 'being at the hospital' probably means trying to force her way in at every given opportunity...

If she doesn't understand boundaries and is ignoring the ones that you are trying to put in place, then you need to get sterner.

rumbleinthrjungle that's why I told her I refused to put the baby in jeans. I wanted to take back a bit of control of the situation and the look on her face was priceless. She even tried to make out that she'd already bought jeans to try and guilt trip me, but it didn't work

Also get this book. www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1922247448/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=569136327&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1480560294&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_r=1H41NTHYABX47YX29J72
As one reviewer says

The authors stress the importance of making peace with your past so that you can avoid repeating any negative patterns of family interaction with your own kids: "In the absence of reflection, history often repeats itself and parents are vulnerable to passing on to their children unhealthy patterns from the past. Understanding our lives can free us from the otherwise predictable situation in which we recreate the damage to our children that was done to us in our own childhoods....By making sense of our lives we can deepen a capacity for self-understanding and bring coherence to our emotional experience, our views of the world, and our interactions with our children."

I think your DH needs to work on his own understanding of his narcissistic mother.

Good for you! You've already got her practicing accepting you don't take her crap when she tries handing it to you!

Echo PPs' advice about sling (and my advice about boob 24/7) - it's the perfect excuse!

You've had great advice here OP, please take it .

You will need to be very firm with her, subtle hints will not work . It will feel rude but her behaviour leaves you with no alternative

Also this is potentially a power struggle where there will be no winners. Just wasted energy all around. A DH who feels torn unless he can get some backbone and rewrite the relationship he has with his mother. A child who will quickly realise they can play each other off.

I do wonder what your relationship is like with your own mother. Did you allow your MIL to be so involved as you lacked that kind of relationship with yours?

If possible time feeds for visiting times so she will need feeding and have to be with you. There are usually pretty strict visiting hours anyway so you wil only have your MIL visiting during those hours anyway. Your DH then needs to interve strongly if you have agreed an hour or something prior to the visit. He will need to be the one to stand up and take the baby back and say time to go now mum.

Re. the stuff she buys, just take it and don't use it. MIL's are often overbearing and babies make it worse at first. I wouldn't bother arguing with her but just accept the gifts and don't put the baby in them. It will take a while but she will get fed up with not seeing the baby in them and stop buying them.

If you say you don't want something bigger like a high chair and she still insists on buying it then just don't use it and buy the one you want and use that one. She will get mighty pissed off but I bet she won't do it again. If you told her no, it's her own fault. Just don't listen to crap from her, put the phone down, don't go and see her, etc until she stops.

I do hope it gets better soon but tbh it does sound a bit like you are indulging her a bit. If she is affecting your health so much I don't understand why you are seeing her and including her. You should just stop doing this until she pipes down and your DH should be telling her this is why you aren't seeing her.

great leaflet 2016

this line really stood out:

Try to respect the feelings of the
new parents and not to put them under any
pressure about their decision. Even if you
don’t agree with it yourself

...fucks sake

We've been including my mum as much as possible. But with her being disabled and in a wheelchair 24/7 now that has been pretty limited. Though to be fair to my mum she has always double checked if we wanted something and if she bought something spur of the moment that we didn't like she said not to worry and that she could always send it back (she does a lot of online shopping with not being able to get to the shops).

I've already insisted on a sling to dh (currently stuck between a Moby or Boba). Partly because when we do eventually decide to walk up and meet her from work she won't have the opportunity to start passing our baby around

I feel mean in some ways as this is the first grandchild on both sides so I really get that they're excited and I honestly think everyone had given up hope (I know I certainly had). But I refuse to let her ruin this for us and try to take over

The close caboo was fab for the early days, think I moved to the ergo when DS was about 5/6 months, he's now 18 months and I still use the ergo it's great!

Why is she so involved with your lives?
I find it strange that after the first incidence why you'd involve her so much.
There is no way my mil would have been invited to have anything to do with our baby arrangements, it's nothing to do with her.
As for medical information, why did you tell her.
Get some boundaries now, keep her at a distance and make sure your dh doesn't tell her personal things you don't want her to know.
It does sound like your dh is as much to blame tbh.

I agree with the advice given so far, don't include her in shopping trips etc and keep visits to a minimum, she's forfeited her right to being considered in your plans by being overly pushy and dismissive of what you want for your baby. Ultimately I think it's a matter of getting into a particular mindset, you have to stop worrying about upsetting her (she doesn't care if she's upsetting you) and you need to get the attitude firmly set in your mind that this is your baby and if you say 'no' to something (even if you have to repeat it more than once or say it more firmly than you really feel comfortable with) she can't actually do anything about it. It sounds awful but I think you have to put her in her place a bit, she's nan not mum and as such she needs your (or DH's) permission and/or approval for anything she wants to do with your baby. I just think you need to get tough and rein her in, once she realises you're not going to put up with her trying to take control (and that actually you have all the control here and could stop her seeing her GC altogether if you chose to) she should hopefully stop being so overbearing. It's a bit like a child pushing boundaries I think, once they realise you're not going to allow them to do as they please they stop trying pretty quickly, you just have to be firm and consistent. In short, take no shit OP!

She keeps hinting to have the baby on her own. And practically screamed at me on Thursday night "why aren't we babysitting?!?" Is your mil already getting worked up about babysitting? Your baby isn't here yet.

And I want to take exception to chillycurtain saying MIL's are often overbearing and babies make it worse at first. -I think therein lies a problem,saying that MIL's are often overbearing, hopefully I'll be one (a mil) one day & I would hate to think this is the general perception.

NewLife4Me she's been so involved because I've forced myself to suck it up at times. We lived with them at the beginning of our relationship and not seeing my parents enough was horrendous, I missed out on so much time with my dad and since he died I've really regretted that. So I never want my dh to feel the same way.

As for her knowing about medical information, we turned up with a sharps box on one of our overnight visits that she noticed and at the time was backed into a bit of a corner and not feeling great in myself so just explained what it was so we could change the subject.

just make sure dh calls her about an hour after the birth, my dh said the rush outside to call family was funny. There were several of them all at once making a dash.
I certainly wouldn't tell her you were in labour, she's no right to be there.
I'd also make it no visits for 3 days, that should let her know her role in your child's life.
Just get tough, and watch the panic attacks and anxiety disappear.

What is it with some MILs? It's gonna get a hell of a lot worse once the baby arrives. Time for your DH to grow a pair and tell his mother to back the fuck off. She does not get to decide to name your child, you do. She does not get to take your child away from you. If she wishes to show her work colleagues the baby, she can show them a photo. She will not be getting the baby for overnights. She will not be hogging the baby. Your baby is not a toy to be passed around to people. No no and no. Start practising NO and fuck off