starting to hate my mil

[emmyr84]

The woman is seriously starting to get to me and has actually resulted in me having panic attacks about how she is going to be once our baby girl is born in April.

Before we even got pregnant, she informed me on Boxing Day 2014 that I needed to lose weight, so that when we eventually had children I would actually be around to see them grow up. Little did she know that we had actually been ttc for 4 years prior to that with no luck.

And since announcing this very much wanted pregnancy she has made me feel awful for getting excited. Telling us not to go shopping to "give other people a chance to buy things".

We were in a store ordering our pram back in December. I was testing out the one hand push and she pulled the pram off me and walked off to the other side of the store. And because we had to go around the local stores to collect all of the bits and pieces to it, she went into a major strop. Started complaining very loudly and tried to drag my dh off to persuade him to choose another pram (we've chosen the Britax Affinity and she was trying to get dh to choose an Icandy - bit of a difference price wise).

Then when we made the mistake of saying that we liked the name Elizabeth with Libby for a nickname, her response was "well I will call her Lizzie", despite both me and dh saying that Lizzie just wasn't an option to us.

When we collected the pram and started putting it together to check everything was there, she literally snatched the pram out of dh's hands and started prancing around the front room saying "I can't wait to take my baby for a walk round the estate"

I've got gestational diabetes and at a family wedding a few weeks ago she decided to ask me at our table full of people when I would be taking my insulin injection. Despite me having said the night before and that morning that I was leaving everything in the car as I didn't want people knowing because I feel very embarassed about it.

The same night she announced that once their kitchen was sorted (they've had a new one installed) that she would be going on a spending spree and she didn't care if I didn't like something, all that mattered was if she liked it or not. So at this point I'd had enough of her and said that she shouldn't buy any jeans as the baby will not be wearing them as to me they don't look comfortable. And the face on her was a picture.

She keeps hinting to have the baby on her own. And practically screamed at me on Thursday night "why aren't we babysitting?!?" when we asked fil to watch our dog for the day on dh's birthday so that we can do something as a family of three.

Then yesterday when we got back from hospital, she has now started dropping hints about wanting to take the baby to work with her so that she can show her off. And I can imagine the backlash already when I say no as I don't want my daughter passing around several women that I don't know.

We've tried explaining that we don't want visiting for too long as the hospital and she said "well I will be there anyway" as if she expects to be waiting at the hospital while I'm in labour.

And I'm terrified that she's going to try and take over and ruin the precious first days for us. To the extent where I've started having panic attacks and have had to talk to the midwife about getting some help to limit her visiting hours once our dd is here.

I know all of these probably sound so pathetic and petty, but they've been adding up for so long and I'm really worrying about how I'm going to be strong enough to take control once dd is here, even though dh fully supports me and understands where I'm coming from

The stress will be the anticipation of what she will do and being ready to deal with it. You don't need to be in this situation otherwise you will be on tender hooks 24/7.

You DH needs to proactively tell her now, alongside his DF, what the ground rules are and the consequences for breaking them.

Then you can relax.

You DH is being lazy and conflict averse to protect himself from his mothers tantrums. He needs to protect you by stepping up and dealing with this before it happens.

Expect her to kick off. Just ride it. Don't let her potential volatility control you any longer like it has controlled your DH and FiL.

Other people will know what she is like already - she is a classic - her dd does already - her colleagues will be squirming and eye rolling - feel proud to reign her in. Don't let her nonsense pollute your life and new family any further.

Your DH needs to wise up. If the dog goes to a private dog sitter, he will most likely be walked between cuddles. If you send the dog for day care this week, then next week, he will probably bounce into the dog sitter's house. Most dogs make friends very quickly. A dog sitter is very different from kennels.
You know you will NEVER shift your mil after an hour, without a row.

I really feel for you OP.

My Mil was like this - she actually bullied her way into the maternity wing/ room when I was in labour!!

You need to distance yourself in every way possible. Tell her nothing, see her as little as possible. Can you move further away from her? She does seem to be very over involved already.

BF is absolutely the best way to establish that distance and to gain yourself some time and space. I would take baby upstairs for a feed even if they didn't want one, and would lie there napping long after they had finished - until I knew PILS had left.

I don't think she will respect the sling - she will just try to grab baby out of it.

DH will have to back you up every step of the way. Good luck

I think you are seriously underestimating several things :

A) How utterly exhausted you are likely to feel, and how little you will be in a fit state to stand your ground with somebody you can't even stand up to when feeling fully fit;

B) How readily your husband will give in to his mother once the wheedling and tantrums start - she will give him a hard time, you'll be too knackered, so he'll give in to her at your expense.

C) How much you could resent the early days being a battleground.

D) How little the dog actually cares about who feeds and looks after him, as long as somebody does.

You need to pull back from her.

She is a control freak and she sounds very jealous.

She is also ruining this precious and exciting time for you and she doesn't care about your feelings so you need to stop caring about hers. Do and say what you want. You have been civil up until now remember, this is a situation of her own creation.

Don't tell her when you're in labour and when the baby is born and you feel you must tell her (I wouldn't) then the midwives will stop any visitors coming to see you.

Be firm and say you want it to be just the 3 of you so that you can bond as a family. She will hate this, but who cares?! If she comes over invited, don't answer the door.

She will soon find her place in the pecking order.

I have been there. Trust me. You need to set up your stall now. It will just get worse once baby is here otherwise I am sad to say.

Such good advice already, all I want to add is please don't feel embarrassed about your gestational diabetes. It happens to so many women I'm sure you're doing everything right, but please don't let other people get in the way of you taking your insulin or testing your blood in public

Yes. Like lots of others have said here this will only get worse when baby is born. I had similar issues with mil and its blighted the first 1.5years of DC1s life as he was stuck in the middle of it and me and DP were arguing incessantly as DP was scared to stand up to her. The best mil advice I got was from a book called 'wired for love' by tatkin. There's a chapter on 'thirds' and how partners need to work together to deal with them and the best ways to do that. Your MIL is toxic but if u and DP work together you can manage it. Also, boundaries boundaries boundaries. Let her know clearly where the line is and then NEVER let her cross it again. If you let her cross it 'just this once...' Or 'oh well it's only a little thing so I won't say this time...' She'll bound across your lines repeatedly. You have to be firm and unwavering and persistent for her to get the message. Practice on the little things day to day so that you are ready to go when there's a big thing. All that is exhausting though so consider distancing yourselves somewhat if you find yourself running out of steam (which you will!). Good luck! Let us know how it goes!

The embarassment is partly down to the fact that I'm sure mil thinks I've only got it because of my size, even though fil's sister and niece have had it and they're nowhere near my size.

I've literally just broken down to dh and said we need to come up with a plan of action for what we're going to do if she tries to force her way in. He knows about the panic attacks, but he's never seen me start crying from the worry of it all. And to be honest, I think it's actually scared him

Thankfully we don't have to see too much of her as we live 2.5 hours away and dh works a VERY demanding care job so it's rare that we get over there (maybe once a month). So at least once we return home after I've had our dd I can be safe in the knowledge that seeing her will be on my terms unless it's a bank holiday (which don't happen all that often)

Can anyone find the thread about the MIL, the high chair and where the OP told PIL wrong restaurant for xmas eve as a decoy so that she would not gate crash? This OP needs to see what is ahead.

I would assertively state you boundaries v clearly right now - expect and accept her kicking off and tantrums right now -- other wise you will have tantrums and kicking off every single moment / opportunity, with you trying to second guess her next move for the rest of your life - and she really will spoil this long waited for precious time for you and DH.

You DH needs to read up on this all to familiar situation and be clear how he has facilitated it to date and that this is not an option for your new family going forward.

Take the bull by the horns. Expect the drama. Do not explain, apologise or negotiate your boundaries with her. Be crystal clear what they are and what the consequences are.

Then you really must learn how to manage this woman:

Both of you give her zero detail and info on your life that she can latch on to or manipulate.

DH has to be on board and is the mouth piece/communicator so that she knows you are a partnership and that there is not a chink she can exploit.

Repeat the rules every time.

Ignore the drama and the tantrums.

Enforce the consequences if she breaks the rules.

Stay cool, calm and collected. She needs you more than you need her - so you are in control here.

Will be good practice - very much like dealing with a toddler.

One last thing - with anything new - NEVER agree to anything when she puts you on the spot.....buy time, discuss together later....standard response.

"Not sure that will be appropriate. We will think about it and get back to you."

Highchair thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2516934-aibu-mil-strikes-again?pg=1

One other thing (and now, while your DH is seeing for the first time just how much this is upsetting you might be a good time to point this out) you need to remind your DH who it is he has to live with, day in day out. You being upset because he's failed to back you up will have a far greater effect in his life than upsetting MIL who lives 2.5 hours away. He will have to deal with the fallout much more directly if you are angry and let down by him than any tantrum MIL can throw from a distance. You should, of course, be his priority regardless but maybe he needs to realise that you being upset with him will be worse in reality than upsetting MIL, play her at her own game to an extent if that's what you have to do to make him see that her wants have to come a distant second to your needs.

If the dog goes to a private dog sitter, he will most likely be walked between cuddles.

yy to this. I recently had to find a dog sitter for occasional emergencies for my velcro dog who is shy and doesn't do strangers, and found a lovely one who treats her like family. We did a couple of introductory short visits and she now gets excited when she sees the dog sitter's car pull into the drive and knows she's going out. I even get texted pictures of how she's doing. (Ddog has a slightly clingy owner problem). You do have the time at the moment to get your dog's confidence established in a good sitter which would also have the benefit of you having ready emergency care over the next few months for days when you and dh are knackered and ddog wants a good long walk.

^(Ddog has a slightly clingy owner problem)*

I have visions of the dog walker/sitter having to peel the dog out of your arms.

I wish you were wrong!

To spell this out: from 1 - 10 where is she? (9.5 I'd say)

From 1- 10 where are you at resisting her? I'd say 2-3. It's not enough! You need to be 10. Only bcs of the type of person she is.

Really, you have to be brutal and severely cut back. Think toddler.

I despair of the thinking that being nice encourages others to be nice. Yes, sometimes. But with a controlling, manipulative, domineering sort it is not only pissing in the wind but ENCOURAGES further manipulation, domination, control.

These types respond to brute strength. Think of the buffer that stops trains overshooting at the end of the line - and channel that. Channel NO. Channel the royal family: don't apologise, don't explain.

You say you rarely see her but once a month sounds often to me. She's not your friend, she has no intention of sharing anything - including your baby. No amount of saying 'But! But! She's my baby!' is going to have any effect. She'll take what she wants. In broad daylight.

No. You have to chop with an axe the boundaries. Nothing else will do. No kindness, no understanding. Give her the absolute minimum to zero info. Obvs she has to know the baby has actually been born [though, to be technical, there is no law covering this ] but other than that she doesn't need to know much else. You don't have to be rude or disrespectful but you do need to clarify to yourself where the boundaries stand and stick rigidly to them.

She's not your friend. She will steal from you. You have to stop her. I'm sorry to say it but you have to train her. She is like a bad dog. (Talking of which: pet sitter/kennels/your mum. NOT MIL.)

Re panic attacks: keep your eye on your breathing. Breath deeeep when you think of it. A big sigh, right to your stomach. Wards off panic attacks in record time.

You can do it lovely.

I keep hearing Toxic Parents and Toxic In-laws nooks bring praised highly. May I strongly suggest you and DH have a crash-course read of them. Think of it as part of your last-minute homework before DD arrives.

See, the problem is that you've had no experience growing up with a toxic (probably NARC) parent and might not be able to see how it looks for him, and DH has entirely too much experience anf might not be able to see a way out of the FOG.

For the record, though, your DH isn't as much of a problem as many we've heard about on here. He at least know he's meant to be in your corner and has had some success in drawing boundaries with her. He just needs to crank it up several notches in the coming weeks and months. Years even. And making a study of the toxic dynamic is an essential part of that toolkit.

Oh, and good luck with lovely baby!

BTW, I hasten to clarify. You having lovely, non-toxic parents is (normally) soooooo not a problem - would that we all have that problem!

springydaffs is bang on the money with that advice!

You really are being too nice with this woman. You don't have to be aggressive with her, or rude, BUT you really, really need to start saying "No".

Work on various forms of the "No" message "We wouldn't like that", "That doesn't work for us", "That's not how we do it" etc and keep repeating. Don't say "Sorry". Ever. Don't explain why something doesn't work for you. She doesn't need to know. She would only turn it into an argument and you would end up trying to justify your position.

You don't need to justify anything. You don't need to explain anything. You don't need to apologise for not giving into her bad behaviour. The only thing you need to do is practice all the various ways of saying No.

She sounds bloody awful, don't tell her when you go into labour fgs.
Your husband needs to step up to the plate and look after you, you're his family now!

She shouldn't have been on those shopping trips, or privy to your medical problems, in the first place. It's definitely time to set boundaries. Hints won't work. Don't send the dog there, either.

OP you've got a two and a half hour journey to the hospital when your in labour?

The dog needs to go to a sitter. Honestly don't give it to her - you are setting yourself up to fail if you do.
Once I looked after a friends (very clingy) dog after she was injured. She was worried the dog wouldn't like it. That was eight years ago and the dog STILL gets excited when I go round. The dog will be fine but if you send it to MIL you are playing right into her hands.

Boundaries! Dog to sitter to get them acquainted in advance. Don't tell mil until after you've had the baby. Visits occur when you want for as long as you want.

And if she ever grabs your baby off you, let her feel the Full Wrath.

Penfold007 I would have had a 2 hour journey to the other hospital and nowhere for dh to stay after visiting hours had ended. Plus I'm going to be induced because of my gestational diabetes

Phew!!! I had visions of you facing a 2 1/2 car journey whilst in labour.