starting to hate my mil

[emmyr84]

The woman is seriously starting to get to me and has actually resulted in me having panic attacks about how she is going to be once our baby girl is born in April.

Before we even got pregnant, she informed me on Boxing Day 2014 that I needed to lose weight, so that when we eventually had children I would actually be around to see them grow up. Little did she know that we had actually been ttc for 4 years prior to that with no luck.

And since announcing this very much wanted pregnancy she has made me feel awful for getting excited. Telling us not to go shopping to "give other people a chance to buy things".

We were in a store ordering our pram back in December. I was testing out the one hand push and she pulled the pram off me and walked off to the other side of the store. And because we had to go around the local stores to collect all of the bits and pieces to it, she went into a major strop. Started complaining very loudly and tried to drag my dh off to persuade him to choose another pram (we've chosen the Britax Affinity and she was trying to get dh to choose an Icandy - bit of a difference price wise).

Then when we made the mistake of saying that we liked the name Elizabeth with Libby for a nickname, her response was "well I will call her Lizzie", despite both me and dh saying that Lizzie just wasn't an option to us.

When we collected the pram and started putting it together to check everything was there, she literally snatched the pram out of dh's hands and started prancing around the front room saying "I can't wait to take my baby for a walk round the estate"

I've got gestational diabetes and at a family wedding a few weeks ago she decided to ask me at our table full of people when I would be taking my insulin injection. Despite me having said the night before and that morning that I was leaving everything in the car as I didn't want people knowing because I feel very embarassed about it.

The same night she announced that once their kitchen was sorted (they've had a new one installed) that she would be going on a spending spree and she didn't care if I didn't like something, all that mattered was if she liked it or not. So at this point I'd had enough of her and said that she shouldn't buy any jeans as the baby will not be wearing them as to me they don't look comfortable. And the face on her was a picture.

She keeps hinting to have the baby on her own. And practically screamed at me on Thursday night "why aren't we babysitting?!?" when we asked fil to watch our dog for the day on dh's birthday so that we can do something as a family of three.

Then yesterday when we got back from hospital, she has now started dropping hints about wanting to take the baby to work with her so that she can show her off. And I can imagine the backlash already when I say no as I don't want my daughter passing around several women that I don't know.

We've tried explaining that we don't want visiting for too long as the hospital and she said "well I will be there anyway" as if she expects to be waiting at the hospital while I'm in labour.

And I'm terrified that she's going to try and take over and ruin the precious first days for us. To the extent where I've started having panic attacks and have had to talk to the midwife about getting some help to limit her visiting hours once our dd is here.

I know all of these probably sound so pathetic and petty, but they've been adding up for so long and I'm really worrying about how I'm going to be strong enough to take control once dd is here, even though dh fully supports me and understands where I'm coming from

I'm glad that you're getting some respite from the onslaught Emmy, I've been really worried about you.
What your dh said about you getting upset because he was taking your baby that you've recently given birth to down to his mummy, was out of order.
It is easier for him to have a go at you & neglect your needs, than it is for him to stand up to his mummy & stop indulging her wants.
Would it be possible for you to have a quiet word with your bil & see if he can encourage your dh to start behaving like a father & husband?

The Mil isn't the problem your DH is.

I don't understand why you're just letting it happen. My MIL pulled a similar trick of taking my new baby into her work without even asking. She was thoroughly put in her place and she's never taken my kids without asking again.
People will only do what you allow them to do. I understand venting on here but it will achieve nothing if you aren't willing to actually DO something about it. You'll just end up bitter and still angry about it in years to come when you could've changed it right now.

I didn't actually click in what she she was doing until they were inside and dh said we couldn't follow. It took a near on panic attack before he went to do anything about it.

Unfortunately the fact is you have to start doing something as your DH isn't capable. She's your DD, it's your job to protect her, not just your DH.

You really do have a DH problem. Once you are home stay there, tell DH his parents are not welcome until you are feeling an awful lot better and your baby is not going anywhere without you until further notice.

Haven't read every post.

However I do wonder if the reality of this situation is somewhere inbetween two lines? Yes she sounds annoying and pushy even lacking in manners; however it also sounds as if she is really excited about being a grandmother and is perhaps being overly enthusiastic. Whilst also feeling very insecure.

I have boys and I have friends with DD's and I do think it is harder on mums with boys when they have grandchildren because time and contact with them has to be negotiated with a woman who may just see things entirely different to you and may not even consider herself as being particularly related to you. Whereas if you have girls, you usually can be more hands on and share the experience more. A lot of mothers will share the birth with their DD for eg. But not often MIL's because they're just not considered as close obviously.

There are more degrees of separation between grandchildren from your DS and grandchildren from your DD.

Personally I think she knows you don't exactly love her, and is panicking that she won't be able to be as involved in this childs life as she would like and it's leading her to come across as very overbearing.

Could you perhaps talk to her, assure her that she'll do plenty of babysitting etc?

Also why would you object to her showing her baby Grandchild to her co-workers at an age appropriate time? I think that is a bit OTT and possibly a bit precious, although I do understand the feeling with a first child.

AntiqueSinger - read every post and then comment.

Personally I think she knows you don't exactly love her, and is panicking that she won't be able to be as involved in this child's life as she would like

The MiL is not exactly affording her DiL the same (or any) courtesy and is not only not doing much to deserve being loved, she is actively bullying. And has been for the months the OP has been posting. Why is it entirely for the DiL to understand, forgive, give ground and sacrifice her needs and feelings? It is only the DiL at risk of PND. Unfortunately when someone says to your face that they could see your distress and refusal when you take their baby out of their arms, but did it anyway, they are not being thoughtless or innocently overpowering.

With a particularly vulnerable OP at a vulnerable time it may be advisable to read more posts before construing things in a way that may make them feel worse.

Her MIL is a nutter, she is aware she is hurting the OP and she's getting a kick out of it. That's why the OP doesn't love her, and I don't blame her.

You have a massive MASSIVE DH problem.

He is not supporting you and activly helping his mother take your 10 day old DC away from you .

Sorry! Am doing a bloody long psychology essay inbetween lazily procrastinating trying to contribute to discussions here.

I based my comments on the initial post and feedback of the first two pages. But this is clearly not one of those threads where doing that was sufficient to get a true picture of what was happening. Since most of the posts appeared to be quite anti the MIL perspective, I thought I would add some balance. Sorry if I offended.

Since I've clearly been put in my place I shall cheerfully bugger off. Whilst I'd love to read 10 pages of posts, I really shouldn't (I'm tempted but have another wretched essay after this.)

Please just ignore my post O.P. Really wasn't intentional I've had PND myself.

Why should I love a woman who made me feel uncomfortable through my pregnancy. Who practically announced my gestational diabetes to a whole table of people. Who has had me have to leave a room on the verge of tears on more than one occasion?

There's a massive difference between being over excited and bullying me!

I've tried to involve her as much as possible where possible and she still tries to take over and push me out. Why should I love someone who doesn't show me the same common courtesy and decency in return?

Posted at the same time AntiqueSinger

There really is a whole load of history behind this. I think if it had just been a bit of over excitement that I could most definitely handle and push to one side

You need to stop focusing on your mil and start standing up for yourself with your DH. You will harbour massive resentment against him eventually if you don't start looking at your relationship with him.

You need to get this sorted asap.
My MIL did exactly the same as yours, DH DIDN'T stand up to her in time and I got PND. 6 years on and I still suffer with Anxiety.

DH had been like yours and was conditioned to put her wants and needs before anyone's. He knew what it was doing but it was 'just the way she is' which was fine when it was just him but he said when I and DD came along it was effecting us and not him.

It took crying and panic attacks to see how she was making me feel and he stepped up. She got worse, a lot worse. We haven't seen her in 3 years.

Yes I get that emmy no worries. Sorry again. Reading your vexed post is actually preferable to writing this thing!

Hope you and DP can work together to get to a better place for you and your family. Your relationship together with your child is the most important thing.

Your DH either cant or wont see it and support you - so you need to take unilateral decisive action.

She is a nasty, controlling over bearing nutter - her bad behaviour is tolerated, enabled and rewarded by these spineless men who dont want to cause a scene.

You need to do the right thing for your MH - PND took 2 whole years out of my life - sucked the energy and joy from early motherhood - the worst thing in the world is when you have come thru it and your baby is a now toddler and you look back to see that your interaction with them was far from ideal.

When you get home, stay home. Give your mil an inch and she'll take a mile. You have the power to decide how this plays out. Your baby, your way.

This is not going to end well.

I don't speak to my MIL any more. This is how it all started. She actually tried to kidnap our newborn ( I kid you not) which was practically the last time she saw it. Hasn't even met our son (who is now 2)

Sorry. No advice just plenty of best wishes. My mil actually ruined my first pregnancy and birth experience. I'm still very angry and bitter about it now. (she also used to talk about 'my' ie her baby etc)

it?! erm..i obviously typed 'her' - where did 'it' come from lol!

Nice expression that I have read on here ... "take yourself out of punching distance"

She cant hurt/control/manipulate you if she cant talk to you or see you.

Please enjoy this precious precious time. Dont let the MIL (or DH) ruin this. you cnt get this time back. She is a cliche - her actions are predictable - she will not change - so you need to put in some real distance and boundaries - she is not normal. You are.

Can your bil meet d at your cousin's place. Until your dh gets a glimmer of understanding of what mil is doing to you, and starts to protect you both better, it really would be a good idea if you didn't see her any more.

If you can't get him over to you, be prepared to just take dd, get n the car and drive off back to your cousin's, without any wasted preliminaries (packing stuff up, begging dh, etc).

Sorry this is so stressful for you. May I ask why you haven't gone home post-partum (away from all of this)? I went home same/ next day after both kids and cocooned massively after #1. Sorry if you've already explained why. It comes across a bit that you're hanging around out of politeness so everyone can meet your DC, when in fact you actually want (and need) to be nesting at home.