starting to hate my mil

[emmyr84]

The woman is seriously starting to get to me and has actually resulted in me having panic attacks about how she is going to be once our baby girl is born in April.

Before we even got pregnant, she informed me on Boxing Day 2014 that I needed to lose weight, so that when we eventually had children I would actually be around to see them grow up. Little did she know that we had actually been ttc for 4 years prior to that with no luck.

And since announcing this very much wanted pregnancy she has made me feel awful for getting excited. Telling us not to go shopping to "give other people a chance to buy things".

We were in a store ordering our pram back in December. I was testing out the one hand push and she pulled the pram off me and walked off to the other side of the store. And because we had to go around the local stores to collect all of the bits and pieces to it, she went into a major strop. Started complaining very loudly and tried to drag my dh off to persuade him to choose another pram (we've chosen the Britax Affinity and she was trying to get dh to choose an Icandy - bit of a difference price wise).

Then when we made the mistake of saying that we liked the name Elizabeth with Libby for a nickname, her response was "well I will call her Lizzie", despite both me and dh saying that Lizzie just wasn't an option to us.

When we collected the pram and started putting it together to check everything was there, she literally snatched the pram out of dh's hands and started prancing around the front room saying "I can't wait to take my baby for a walk round the estate"

I've got gestational diabetes and at a family wedding a few weeks ago she decided to ask me at our table full of people when I would be taking my insulin injection. Despite me having said the night before and that morning that I was leaving everything in the car as I didn't want people knowing because I feel very embarassed about it.

The same night she announced that once their kitchen was sorted (they've had a new one installed) that she would be going on a spending spree and she didn't care if I didn't like something, all that mattered was if she liked it or not. So at this point I'd had enough of her and said that she shouldn't buy any jeans as the baby will not be wearing them as to me they don't look comfortable. And the face on her was a picture.

She keeps hinting to have the baby on her own. And practically screamed at me on Thursday night "why aren't we babysitting?!?" when we asked fil to watch our dog for the day on dh's birthday so that we can do something as a family of three.

Then yesterday when we got back from hospital, she has now started dropping hints about wanting to take the baby to work with her so that she can show her off. And I can imagine the backlash already when I say no as I don't want my daughter passing around several women that I don't know.

We've tried explaining that we don't want visiting for too long as the hospital and she said "well I will be there anyway" as if she expects to be waiting at the hospital while I'm in labour.

And I'm terrified that she's going to try and take over and ruin the precious first days for us. To the extent where I've started having panic attacks and have had to talk to the midwife about getting some help to limit her visiting hours once our dd is here.

I know all of these probably sound so pathetic and petty, but they've been adding up for so long and I'm really worrying about how I'm going to be strong enough to take control once dd is here, even though dh fully supports me and understands where I'm coming from

Noooo, though would have to do the journey if I go into labour before my induction date, which I am definitely a bit nervous about

UPDATE**

I spent most of yesterday afternoon and evening reading the thread that was linked to me yesterday. And I have to say I'm feeling pretty terrified if things get to that extent

We've already started practising the not letting them know everything as we kept quiet about our extra growth scan today (everything fine thankfully).

I'm going to start practising saying no to her. And it will start next tuesday when I have my first scan over there (our local hospital that I can't give birth in have handled my care until now). She won't be invited. She won't be given any extra info, other than how the baby is growing. And she sure as hell won't be coming shopping with us afterwards. She's not going to like it one bit, but I'm starting putting my foot down now.

It's actually getting to a point where I've even dreamed/had nightmares of what she could be like so I'm going to start letting her know that she isn't in charge and I'm taking back control of the situation. Starting with all of the above.

Spoke with dh last night too and he really doesn't think she would try and turn up while I'm in labour, but to be fair to him he has agreed that he will do whatever is necessary to keep me as calm and as happy possible leading up to and after me giving birth. He wants me to put in my birth plan that she is not to be allowed in or given any information. That she is not to be allowed onto the post natal ward either unless we have let the midwives know that we are expecting her.

She's not going to like this one bit, but no chance is she going to ruin this for us

Can I just add, don't tell her anything. Don't mention the scan. It will just give her a reason to talk about you. Don't engage with her. Don't give her an "in". You might like to try going nc from how on. A trial run or practice if you like. Exclude her from your life. See how long it takes before she starts creating drama. Use this experience to build your strength to protect your baby from her.

*now on

Don't let her ruin this for you. Start standing up for yourself, bluntly but calmly. Stop taking her shit you're an adult and have every right to tell someone they are overstepping boundaries/ behaving like a twat.

Only problem is that she knows about the scan a week tomorrow as she was told before I snapped the other day and posted the rant on here. So there's no getting away from it. So any information about the scan once I've had it will be minimal, which will absolutely infuriate her

She might know about the scan but don't call her and give her the results or any information. If she contacts you, just say it was fine and don't go into any detail. Use KISS. Keep It Short & Simple. Good luck.

I would go as far to say the results of the scan are none of her business.

Ah my mil was the same. She invited herself to my labour and was that put out I said no she flew out of the country for two weeks when I was due - with out telling anyone so every one was looking for her:

Be prepared for this situation to get worse when you start sticking up for yourself. I've been NC with mil for two years now because I dared ask her to be a little quiet as dd was asleep ( she was on her mobile in hysterics with her BF)

Good luck op.

Been where you are OP.
It will get worse so prepare yourself. Put your foot down and for the love of God get DH on your side. Unfortunately my DH wasn't at the time and put her needs and wants before mine.

Penny finally dropped a few years down the line. The thing is, people who have toxic parents are programmed to put the toxic parent first. It's been that for their whole lives so it is really hard to change.

Thankfully it did. It got worse. Really worse. Then better when he stood our ground. Expect illnesses like cancer and depression and flying monkeys.

We have been 3 years no contact now. It's been bliss. Good luck.

ToadsforJustice we're seeing her the night before as we're staying there on the monday night. But I'm going to be incredibly rude and antisocial and head to bed nice and early. We'll be out before she gets back from her first job and I'm hoping have headed off for home before she gets back from her second one

But, the plan is just to say the minimum as fil is a big worrier and would worry if we didn't say anything. So I'll just say everything is fine and leave it at that

Just wanted to say thank you everyone for all of the advice and support. It really does mean the world to me and I appreciate it so much more than you'll ever know

Why are you staying there Monday night? nosey

We would have to leave home at about 5.30 am on the tuesday morning as my scan is at 8.30, followed by a diabetic consultant appointment, so driving from theirs we don't need to leave until 7.45 so we can make sure we're parked and in the right place in plenty of time. Plus would have meant dh doing all of that driving in one day. At least this way he gets a break and less driving responsibility as he will not let me drive if he's available to take the responsibility. It's a lot easier this way and means minimal contact with mil on the monday night too as she goes to bed early

Thanks for the update.

Expect MIL and FIL to offer to drive you to the hospital. And then take root. Have a plan ready for that suggestion.

Sorry but under the circumstances I would just get up at 5.30 and not involve them.

Travelodge! And tell them you're not coming because your appointment has been changed. No way would I be staying there!

TwoKettles they will be told firmly no maybe a no thank you but it will be no all the same. This is something that me and dh will be doing on our own as it's our journey to get to this point and such a long journey at that

Good luck.

Dont expect your DH to be as capable as you in managing this.

He has been conditioned to keep her sweet all his life - he has been controlled. You will need to be extra vigilant and he will need to appreciate that his view is likely to minimise etc.....he does not see it - he is in FOG.

But his perception is wrong /skewed....

Alarm bells above when he said he did not think she would turn up at the labour ward - please dont just accept (his well intentioned) opinion on things - assume always that he is in FOG and is (unconsciously) minimising - you need to assume the worst and pre-empt everything.

Tell her directly exactly what the boundaries are follow it up with a text to both PIL - so there is no doubt what the deal is. Do not spend your labour (and the rest of your life) worrying if she will turn up or not - head her off at the pass....

I wish you all the best - and I really hope it is a wonderful experience - please dont take any chances.

I'm actually going to be speaking with my community midwife in our area about this on monday and my consultant in the hospital on tuesday as my anxiety has ramped up big time. More so over the fact that she wants to take our baby girl to work to show her off, to women that I don't even know what they look like, let alone what they're like as people. It just doesn't sit right with me. And dh seems to think I'm being unreasonable and possessive when I say that I will happily walk up there one afternoon when we're over for a visit so her friends can see her, but one sign of mil attempting to take over and I will be turning around and going back to the house

I'll also be repeating myself everytime between now and the birth that no information will be given to anyone whilst I'm in labour and that we will phone to let people know the baby has arrived when we're good and ready and not before then. That no one will be allowed onto the labour ward other than dh. And that we will let them know when we are ready for them to visit at the hospital.

I even told him that I would hit the roof if she ever thought she would be permitted to take my own baby from my arms. Again he said he didn't think she would do that. Until I pointed out that she'd had the nerve to take my cousin's baby (a baby that has nothing whatsoever to do with her) out of my arms while I was settling her to sleep when we had gone on a shopping trip to find suits for the men for our wedding (the baby was with us as I wanted to find some shoes for her)

It looks like it will have to be me that steps up to putting her in her place as dh has obviously shown what high expectations he has of his mum and he's bound to be disappointed when she does exactly what I'm expecting her to.

Dh is welcome to think you're unreasonable and possessive. He can buy you a t shirt and hat labelled unreasonable and possessive. MiL can broadcast it on national tv, Emmy Is Unreasonable and Possessive.

So what? They're just words. It does not mean you need to do anything differently. It's your first baby, you feel how you feel, you have no idea how you MAY feel when a moment actually comes where you're in any of these potential situations and you'll make a decision then.

People w ho want to harrass and hassle a heavily pregnant woman with hormones going nuts and struggling with anxiety about what they may or may not want her to do with her baby for their benefit at some unspecified time in the future can basically just fuck off. Really, who is being possessive and unreasonable demanding approval to do whatever they want with a baby not even born yet?

All that matters right now is you and the baby being calm, relaxed and taking things as they come. Anyone not supporting that is no person you want around. End of.

Op, calm yourself down. I worked myself in to state when pregnant with dd because I felt no one was hearing me and I felt powerless. I thought mil was going to come in and take over and Dh and FIL would sit there nodding like gawps.

In reality when she did finally turn up (after disappearing as I wouldn't let her be present at birth) actually having dd was a game changer. Dd was my baby before Dh daughter and what I said went in regards to dd. If Dh would have objected I would have just laughed in his face. As if your gonna let that baby out of your sight when new born

Just laugh and nod at small stuff (baby sitting, taking baby off) because when the time comes you can just say "er actually no, I'm not ok with that"

Get empowered. Your the child's mother. You trump everyone.

Also stop having these conversations with Dh. It's his mum at the end of the day at he wont see it. Honestly I've been there. It just leads to further stress.

When mil brought her dsis round (without asking me or letting anyone know - I'm sat there with breast milk leaking every where) she just leaned in at took dd from me, I was a bit , and then she passed her to her sister for a cuddle, leaned back in and took her back. Just to make a point, I leaned in and started to take dd and for a split second mil was going to pull her back and we actually eyeballed each other. I took dd and it was like an unspoken word had passed between us for her not to just take her from me with out asking.

I'd had years of BS with mil but having dd was the catalyst for me to start sticking up for myself.

Don't stress out about stuff that's not happened.

Start with no visits before the 6 weeks vaccinations to anyone. That will stall it a bit until you are more recovered and are more settled into the parenting role.

Then you will have more strength to tell her to F off.