starting to hate my mil

[emmyr84]

The woman is seriously starting to get to me and has actually resulted in me having panic attacks about how she is going to be once our baby girl is born in April.

Before we even got pregnant, she informed me on Boxing Day 2014 that I needed to lose weight, so that when we eventually had children I would actually be around to see them grow up. Little did she know that we had actually been ttc for 4 years prior to that with no luck.

And since announcing this very much wanted pregnancy she has made me feel awful for getting excited. Telling us not to go shopping to "give other people a chance to buy things".

We were in a store ordering our pram back in December. I was testing out the one hand push and she pulled the pram off me and walked off to the other side of the store. And because we had to go around the local stores to collect all of the bits and pieces to it, she went into a major strop. Started complaining very loudly and tried to drag my dh off to persuade him to choose another pram (we've chosen the Britax Affinity and she was trying to get dh to choose an Icandy - bit of a difference price wise).

Then when we made the mistake of saying that we liked the name Elizabeth with Libby for a nickname, her response was "well I will call her Lizzie", despite both me and dh saying that Lizzie just wasn't an option to us.

When we collected the pram and started putting it together to check everything was there, she literally snatched the pram out of dh's hands and started prancing around the front room saying "I can't wait to take my baby for a walk round the estate"

I've got gestational diabetes and at a family wedding a few weeks ago she decided to ask me at our table full of people when I would be taking my insulin injection. Despite me having said the night before and that morning that I was leaving everything in the car as I didn't want people knowing because I feel very embarassed about it.

The same night she announced that once their kitchen was sorted (they've had a new one installed) that she would be going on a spending spree and she didn't care if I didn't like something, all that mattered was if she liked it or not. So at this point I'd had enough of her and said that she shouldn't buy any jeans as the baby will not be wearing them as to me they don't look comfortable. And the face on her was a picture.

She keeps hinting to have the baby on her own. And practically screamed at me on Thursday night "why aren't we babysitting?!?" when we asked fil to watch our dog for the day on dh's birthday so that we can do something as a family of three.

Then yesterday when we got back from hospital, she has now started dropping hints about wanting to take the baby to work with her so that she can show her off. And I can imagine the backlash already when I say no as I don't want my daughter passing around several women that I don't know.

We've tried explaining that we don't want visiting for too long as the hospital and she said "well I will be there anyway" as if she expects to be waiting at the hospital while I'm in labour.

And I'm terrified that she's going to try and take over and ruin the precious first days for us. To the extent where I've started having panic attacks and have had to talk to the midwife about getting some help to limit her visiting hours once our dd is here.

I know all of these probably sound so pathetic and petty, but they've been adding up for so long and I'm really worrying about how I'm going to be strong enough to take control once dd is here, even though dh fully supports me and understands where I'm coming from

We went home the day we got discharged. But came back for dd's hearing test and to register her birth. So we combined the two visits instead of coming across twice.

I've come back early this morning ready for bil and I'm currently sat downstairs in peace and quiet (no one else is up yet) nursing dd as she wouldn't settle at my cousin's. I've packed up what I can without disturbing anyone so once bil has gone we can get on the road and get back home

Hope it goes well for you.
Do try & harness BIL's support.
If MIL starts to take dd from you, you say,
"No, she's my baby, please respect my role as mother."
If she says you're being irrational, over-emotional, (she'll probably bully to try to make you cry), say,
"No I'm not, I just haven't been conditioned to put your wants over and above everybody else's."
Tell her that the way she took your new baby from her mother & into work to be held by strangers was totally wrong.
Put dh on the line. If he kicks off to support his mummy, get in the car with baby & go home. Time how long it is before he comes running after you.
Good Luck

Hope all is going well

It could have been better. But it could have been worse

dd projectile vomited shortly after I posted yesterday morning, so I ended up losing the peace and quiet that I was enjoying as I had to call dh downstairs to come and help me. Of course mil had to come down too, but I kept hold of dd and got dh to do as much as possible

She kept trying to take over all day, but dd was clingy so I kept hold of her as much as I possibly could, letting people have cuddles but making dh go and get her if she started to get upset or needed a feed. My way of thinking was that he'd been a bit useless and a bit of a bully alongside his mum the whole visit and he could finally do the things that I wanted him to do.

I've got a lot of resentment towards him at the moment and I'm hoping that now we're back home that we can actually have a chat and somehow try and move past this

Good luck OP!

OP congratulations on your new baby. I've had in law problems for 18 years but with FIL. I have to say he did my head in and I then obsessed about him, looked for slights and was very prickly around him which made him behave worse and spiralled into worse and worse behaviour.

What do you what the relationship to look like? Yes she's treated you badly, been insensitive, rude, domineering and unkind BUT where do you want to go from here. Do you want to have contact with them? Do you want your husband to have contact with them? Your daughter? It took a diagnosis of terminal illness in my FIL to make me realise I care and want him in my life, I'm nice to him now and he's nice to me.

Your dh is used to being pushed around but I think maybe you are too. You sound like you are standing up for yourself by trying to take control of situations without being honest about your feelings. If you don't want someone to hold your baby you can say that but you may be expected to elaborate why. It's up to your dh to stand up for you if you are being treated badly but not to enforce rules he doesn't agree with. Sorry if this seems harsh or unsupportive, I just think there might be a better way to deal with than all the venom coming from some posters. Ultimately this another woman who will lay her life down for your daughter and if the situation can be managed in a more productive way you can benefit.

Good luck emmy. Your DH has behaved terribly. Hope he gets his act together.

Yes she's treated you badly, been insensitive, rude, domineering and unkind BUT where do you want to go from here. Do you want to have contact with them? Do you want your husband to have contact with them? Your daughter?

And she will continue to "treat you badly, be insensitive, rude, domineering and unkind" - as she always has done - actually as predicted here she has even upped the ante as you have something else she wants to control.

The priority here is that you have a wonderful time with your precious long waited for DD. MIL will sabotage this. Your DH either cant or wont work to address the issues. So you need to call the shots.

This is your time, your MH is v vulnerable so dont expose yourself to toxic MIL.

Is there anyone else in RL who can support you, who can hear you as reasonable and rational like the posters on here - as your DH with his abnormal / conditioned mindset is not an appropriate sounding board or support.

Your DH should be able to say "I hear you. You are my priority" - his cowardly approach is v v selfish - he is not even choosing MIL over Dw he is choosing himself as he is the one who cant deal with the discomfort of confrontation to do the right thing.

Paddle your own canoe on this one. Set the rules, set the tone. Mil will always be the same - maybe your DH will finally come round if you model calm, direct, consistent assertiveness, His fear is that all confrontations involve the hystrionics he has seen with his DM.

Any update, OP? Hopefully, you're settled and at home with your DD and the DH has realised what a useless got he's been at such a sensitive time. I am fuming on your behalf. With any luck, you won't need to go anywhere near the PILs again. Swap care to your local hospital so you don't have to go up there again. Your mil is an idiot.

Well we had a visit from the in laws on Monday as it was bank holiday. No request, they just said they would be coming.

But, on the plus side I felt a lot more confident and capable on home turf and stepped in a few times when we were out. dd was crying in her pram and mil kept pushing it out of my reach, so I walked up and took her out of the pram so I could soothe her that way and ended up having to do that a few times which from the look on mil's face she wasn't happy about.

Dh is a total mummy's boy. What mummy wants mummy gets. He's too scared to tell her no. And on more than one occasion allowed her to push him out of the way so that she could push dd in her pram, even though the pram had been passed to him.

We're popping over there on Tuesday after dd's audiology appointment so I'm going to be putting that confidence into practice when we're there for an hour or so.

As for dh and myself. We're not getting on brilliantly. We seem to have gone from being closer than I ever thought possible when dd was born 3 weeks ago, to being further apart than I ever thought we could be: I've tried not to have a go or moan at him about his mum, but I will admit it does sometimes slip out if she has particularly bothered me. And he can't bring himself to support me when it comes to her. So I will admit I do feel a bit deserted by him to be honest

I am sorry that you're feeling apart from dh. Having a baby is such a culture shock; it's hard enough without controlling mil's.

People recommend the book Toxic Parents a lot, which may help you, or your dh if he can be persuaded to read it. This is really difficult for him, as this is completely out of left field for him; he's grown up with it and for him it's normal, so getting out of that state and seeing it and understanding and coming to terms with it is a massive, massive step.

Emmy - you are doing really well. You are confident and standing up to her and taking control. Enjoy that feeling and keep at it. Disappointing about your DH - maybe he can't rather than wont ant the moment. But if you can accept that he will not manage this situation and that it is now all down to you - then you know it is you who is setting the boundaries, consequences and being vigilant - and you know you can deal with it and cope - then just crack on with it as you know you can keep you all safe. MIL isn't kicking off yet and if she does you are ready for her. BUT make sure you are clear what the boundaries are for YOU - do not negotiate these with DH - he has lost that right when he abdicated responsibility. And please be vigilant to protecting yourself emotionally at this time - PND takes a good few Mingus to build - so if you are feeling vulnerable or she is getting the you - make sure you reduce contact and enforce boundaries. I would be putting one I right now about asking before she can just drop in - you need that control and space - normal people ask to visit and it is acceptable if it is not convenient. Maybe your DH will learn how to manage is DM from you handling. Good luck and enjoy you baby girl !!!

Don't pop over on Tuesday. Set a precedent now - otherwise they'll expect you every time you have an appointment.

Don't make a big thing of it, just DD will be tired and we'd prefer to
Go home, next bank hol or holiday make plans and don't change them when they tell you they're coming.

I'm sorry your h is being crap, detach from them, he isn't backing you so don't do him any favours by accommodating his family. No visits from them unless he's there.

You have to take care of you first because they - including your husband - are only interested in taking care of mil.

Put you first because no one else will

well we're not going over on Tuesday now. The appointment has been cancelled as our local health board aren't happy about us going out of the area for her next hearing test. So we're actually having an appointment booked for our local hospital. The in laws won't be happy, but I'm happy that it's a bit longer between our visits to them

Hooray! Much better for all of you - particularly dd and you. Less travelling, for a start, and that's always better for a small baby.

That's good.....but can you think clearly now what would suit YOU on a regular basis rather than seeing them or not seeing them due to spots being made and cancelled by others. Decide what suits you and communicate it. That is a really good point made by PP that no one is putting you first and this v special yet vulnerable time.