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OH been using Adultwork a lot, please help!

(199 Posts)
Beckyonthebeach Fri 04-Sep-15 11:23:08

Hi. This is a bit of a long story I'm sorry. I'm desperate for some help/advice - I've been with my partner for 16 yrs & we have a great relationship except about 10 yrs ago he stopped being interested in me sexually. This has been extremely difficult to deal with and has seriously affected my self esteem. I'd tried being patient, not being so patient, taking the lead, not taking the lead, basically anything I could think of to fix things. Anyway, a couple of times recently I decided to make the first move and was very quickly rejected. One of the times we were away staying in a lovely hotel as a treat he arranged for me for Mother's Day. I was so upset I decided to go to bed (it was early eve) and refused to go out for our planned food & drinks. He went out alone & didn't come back until early next morning, very much the worse for wear. I've since seen that he spent a substantial amount of money in a lap dancing bar that night.... Ok, I can deal with that, no great shakes. But then I've discovered a bombshell. I've found out he has been registered on Adultwork for years, and has been sending hundreds of messages arranging to meet. Some were 'outcalls', some 'incalls' and a couple of 'car meets'. I've had to learn quite a lot the last couple of weeks and must admit I have been quite devious in that after confronting him, he de activated his account and was just devastated at what he'd done. I secretly reactive tied his account and changed the email address for alerts to mine so I could do some incognito investigating (bad I know but this has been tearing me apart). Anyway, he had deleted all the in messages he'd received, and they can't be retrieved. Unfortunately I had only read through and taken screenshots of a few before confronting him....
Anyway, I'm rambling too much! Things had improved massively between us, but having been betrayed, I decided rightly or wrongly to continue to investigate. He swore he had never been with any of these girls and was just getting a kick out of making arrangements etc. I then found out one had been to my house. He said he panicked when he realised how real it was when she arrived, so he backed out. I've now found messages where he'd arranged car meets, even saying where they'd met last time! They always coincide with when I was around, yet the outcall ones always coincide with when I wasn't here. He also works away a lot and has been arranging meets at the hotel he usually stays at. Now when I've confronted him again about these car meets, he is insisting they're not actually in person meetings, but are webcam sessions, where the girl uses a laptop in her car, and he interacts via webcam from home. I don't believe him. Why would a girl drive somewhere in her car to do a webcam session, it makes no sense? I've googled it to death, and everything I've seen so far only points towards these being meeting (& the rest!) in person.
I've even tried messaging the very girls using his account that I've hijacked asking them, but no joy! I've now set up another account, pretending to be a guy new to this and messaged the same girls asking them if they offer car meets and what it involves, but they are just asking me to call them!
I don't know what to do, I've got no one I can talk to about this. He's away on holiday with some friends at the moment which has given me hours to investigate but I feel like I'm going mad, it's completely taking over my life & every waking hour (which is a lot at the moment as I can't eat or sleep & just counting down the hours when I'm in work to get home and investigate some more)
Can anyone help me at all? Are car meets sometimes via webcam, or am I being bluffed big time? We had such a good relationship apart from this, and I do know how sorry he is and am very confident he won't do it again, but I can't stand the thought I've been lied to. I've been through bank statements in the most meticulous detail, but he has always used large amounts of cash since I've known him, so I can't really pin much down in that way.
I just want to know re the car meets and if he has met a girl in person and god knows what else.
So sorry for the monumentally long post, had to give the background!
Please please help!
Thank you so much in advance

OneBreathAfterAnother Fri 04-Sep-15 11:29:11

No car meets are not over webcam. Ever. They are exactly what it suggests - meeting in a car, usually somewhere quiet and dark for when there is no house/hotel/easy accommodation available.

He's been to lapdancing clubs. He's done incalls and outcalls and car meets, so he's been sleeping with prostitutes regularly and just about everywhere - in hotels, in your house, in his car. Of course he's met the people in person.

Unfortunately, the girls you've messaged are probably concerned that you are a girlfriend/wife, or that it might be a set-up, which is why they want to talk to you on the phone. Even if you did call and ask, they wouldn't divulge information about another person's visits.

Not only has he cheated on you regularly, but he's now bare-faced lying about it, and hoping you'll either be too stupid or desperate to realise that he's lying.

LadyBlaBlah Fri 04-Sep-15 11:32:45

You really truly have to dump this man

There is nothing left to say.

He has a prostitute addiction probably. PLease do not try and save him. He is scum.

OneBreathAfterAnother Fri 04-Sep-15 11:33:30

Just incase you still had any doubt - Adultwork themselves describe a carmeet as:

"What's involved in a car meet? Do you meet at a public place? Do you drive to meet the client and meet at his car? Is it actually in his car?

It is having sex and giving blow jobs in his car, either in a public place or in the middle of nowhere. If in a public place, and you're spotted on CCTV, you could be arrested. If it's in the middle of nowhere, remember to take safety precautions."

LadyBlaBlah Fri 04-Sep-15 11:34:50

And I am sorry, but of course he is sleeping with (or paying to rape, however you want to view it) with women.

There is absolutely no doubt given the evidence you have.

Beckyonthebeach Fri 04-Sep-15 11:40:20

Thank you for your reply, and I know it very much looks like I'm naive & stupid, but it is honestly different when it's you in it, and you know the person so well and really do know they truly love you. I do still have this nagging doubt though, hence my post on here. The thing is, I think I can just accept what's happened and now move on. I am absolutely confident he won't do anything like that again, and it really isn't me being naive. He said it was like it wasn't him, which I kind of get, and it was an escape from reality & he didn't even contemplate that what he was doing & pretending to be this other person was wrong or a betrayal to me, until I found out and he's had this massive wake up call. It's just the fact I have this niggle he's still lying to me. I've even said to him over the phone (due to him being on the other side of the world at the moment), that I can just accept it and move on, but not whilst he's still lying. I've even said I'm convinced it has happened anyway and am still here, so it can't get any worse, and that I have absolute eveidnce but he still swears he hasn't met any girls or done anything other than webcams?????? He's also got feedback off one, but he says that was for a webcam session again?
Is there any way of retrieving deleted messages off Adultwork? Is there anything else I can do to found out for sure?

LovelyFriend Fri 04-Sep-15 11:43:40

I really think you know more than enough Becky to know what is going on and what this man is like.

You also know that he lies to you and he will continue to lie to you about this.

Dump him and move on.

LadyBlaBlah Fri 04-Sep-15 11:45:25

Why do you need the messages?

THe simplest explanation is most often the true explanation.

I know it is hard to digest but the truth is your husband is sleeping with prostituted women.

If you are ok with that, great.

If not, do not deviate, do not accept his lies and make plans to leave.

summerwinterton Fri 04-Sep-15 11:45:46

you need a shit hot lawyer and to get rid. He is away so now is your perfect opportunity. How could you even think of trusting this sexually incontinent knob ever again. He has no respect for you or any woman in general.

Why on earth would he admit to it. Not only is he unfaithful he is lying about it too - and you are so desperate to cling onto him that you will believe anything.

I would suggest your get sti testing too.

Btw why do you think webcam sessions are ok? That would be enough for most of us to dump, but you think they are fine?? The mind boggles.

You need to accept he won't tell the truth. Stop digging and start getting rid. You know enough.

Beckyonthebeach Fri 04-Sep-15 11:46:32

Oh god, thanks for all the replies, and I know you must all think I'm so stupid & gullible. He really isn't scum, although I can understand why it looks like that, and I'd probably think the same if I was reading this!
He really is such a lovely person though, and we've been together 16yrs! Our relationship is amazing in every other way.
I can forgive him this, whatever has happened & I do absolutely know he will do anything now to make me happy. I don't even know why I've become so obsessed with knowing for sure, but I have to know, just so I know what I'm dealing with I guess. It doesn't really affect where we go from here.
I just need to know!
How can I find out for sure?
Thanks so much everyone

LovelyFriend Fri 04-Sep-15 11:46:55

He's lying to you.
It's really hard to accept that you don't know someone as well as you think you do. But really you don't have a clue what he is up to.

If he's been doing all of this chances are he will be up to stuff on these business trips too - if he can be with other women when he is staying with you, why wouldn't he be doing the same when he is alone in a hotel in another country?

LadyBlaBlah Fri 04-Sep-15 11:47:31

You are making it easy for him to lie because you do not want to hear the truth either.

You have more than enough evidence as to what he has been up to.

Your choice now to remain in denial or face the truth.

LovelyFriend Fri 04-Sep-15 11:51:58

I do absolutely know he will do anything now to make me happy
Except not fuck prostitutes. Except remain faithful to you.

But if he really will do anything to make you happy then your problem is solved - just ask him to show you everything and tell you everything. And blindly believe what he shows/tells you. Simple. (Except he won't cause he really won't do anything to make you happy, though he will tell you plenty of lies to hide what he is up to)

RolyPolierThanThou Fri 04-Sep-15 11:52:36

He is LYING. not a shred of doubt in my mind.
Funny how sorry he is only after you found out. He was shocked and appalled at his behaviour was he? When was that, then? after the lap dancing club, the first out call, the second one, the third one, or the in calls or the car sex? Which particular session was the one that made him realise he was doing something awful to his wife?

Oh, . When you confronted him about it. Suddenly he's sorry. Right.

You absolutely have to face this fact: your husband, lovely as you say he is, has a very serious problem in his addiction to prostitutes. He will have spent a lot of family money on this for himself.

You need to think about what you are so afraid of that you are willing to tolerate someone who spends a lot of time, money and deceit on what is, to him, a hobby but is actually a disgusting way to treat his wife.

You are worth more than this. His crocodile tears mean nothing. He's too deep into this to stop, even for your sake. His lies, bare faced lies are the worst part.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Fri 04-Sep-15 11:53:08

He's been cheating on you with sex workers for probably the last ten years
He doesn't find you attractive or want to have sex with you (good thing in hindsight, who knows what he has picked up)
He's a lying, cheating sexual exploiter of vulnerable women who has treated you like a mug

Sorry but if you 'get past this' or convince yourself it's not really him then you are a total, total fool

summerwinterton Fri 04-Sep-15 11:53:19

goodness me - so sorry but you are utterly deluded. He is not a nice man or a good person. You need to take your head out of the sand and see him for what he is, not what you project onto him

I hope you don't have children with this excuse of a human being.

Beckyonthebeach Fri 04-Sep-15 11:53:54

Oh god, honestly, if I was reading this I'd be thinking 'what the hell is wrong with her?' 'Is she really that stupid?'
Surely someone here can understand my side? It honestly isn't as black & white as it seems. And believe me, if ANYTHING even slightly happens in future, there will be no chances, but surely I owe him the opportunity, we are humans and we make mistakes, he is such a good man in every other way, and we have been through some extremely tough times together. You can't just give up on an otherwise great long term relationship because of one thing in my mind, everyone deserves the opportunity of a second chance.
Please don't think badly of me sad

LadyBlaBlah Fri 04-Sep-15 11:55:28

"I can forgive him this, whatever has happened"

Where is your self-respect?

I am really trying not to be mean, but FFS what would someone have to do to be dumped?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Fri 04-Sep-15 11:55:58

It honestly isn't as black & white as it seems
Yes it is! You want to believe it's not, but it is
You owe him nothing, certainly not a second chance (or 800th chance as it actually is more likely to be)
The relationship you thought you had was a lie. It didn't exist.
He made a choice every time he fucked a sex worker to lie to you. Why would he make different choices now?

OneBreathAfterAnother Fri 04-Sep-15 11:56:22

If he will do "anything" to make you happy, then tell him to tell you the truth.

Car meets are exactly that, as described by Adultwork above.

If you know who he met, you can probably even work out how long he paid for, from the withdrawal amount and their rates pages.

You can't accept this, which is why you are desperately hoping someone will come and lie to you, so you can be blissfully ignorant of what he is doing. He is not a wonderful man. He has a prostitute habit.

How much family money has he spent on this? It must be in the thousands, if he's at it that regularly... And let's hope he picked workers who insist on condoms, not those who allow men to pay extra not to use them. I'd be getting myself an STI check, anyway.

Beckyonthebeach Fri 04-Sep-15 12:02:02

Ok, looks like I'm being a complete idiot & mug here? Why I am I being so naive in believing he hasn't slept with any prostitutes?!?! He'd convinced me that it was all fantasy & he feels so bad about himself (he's put quite a bit of weight on last few years), so says he had no self esteem and pretending to be someone he's not on there helped in some way. He swears he just got a kick out of arranging to meet, but didn't go through with it, and that the car meets where I have evidence they definitely did take place were webcam only? Is there no possibility he could be telling the truth, or am I clutching at straws here to protect myself?

LadyBlaBlah Fri 04-Sep-15 12:02:51

I don't think badly of you.

But this is ludicrous

Sometimes lines are crossed and trust is broken to such an extent that it is irretrievable. This SHOULD be one of those cases so it is a little exasperating that you are prepared to carry on regardless. He is getting away with it big style

If you would like an insight into the sort of man you are married to and are also prepared to share your life with - please take a look at a grotesque website called punter net where men like your husband review the 'punts' they have had.

Also, what exactly is your husband up to tonight while he is working away?

Wewereneverbeingboring Fri 04-Sep-15 12:03:01

So this man obviously has a massive sexual appetite with webcams, lapdances etc at the barest minimum, and yet he rejects your advances whenever you initiate anything with him. He's either incredibly disfunctional or he's getting his needs met elsewhere. Bearing in mind he has ample opportunity with all the working away, my money's on the latter.

Why is it only now he will he do anything to make you happy, why did he not give a monkeys about rejecting/upsetting you before you found out what you did? He is only motivated by his own loss/pain, not yours.

I feel very sad that you value yourself so little flowers

Beckyonthebeach Fri 04-Sep-15 12:05:53

Thank you all so much, this is a massive wake up call for me. I'm devastated �� I have no idea what is wrong with me as to why I'm willing to accept this and what he's told me.......

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Fri 04-Sep-15 12:06:29

Yes you are clutching at straws and being wilfully naive
Of course he's lying. Car meet over webcam? Does he think you were born yesterday?

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