OH been using Adultwork a lot, please help!

[Beckyonthebeach]

Hi. This is a bit of a long story I'm sorry. I'm desperate for some help/advice - I've been with my partner for 16 yrs & we have a great relationship except about 10 yrs ago he stopped being interested in me sexually. This has been extremely difficult to deal with and has seriously affected my self esteem. I'd tried being patient, not being so patient, taking the lead, not taking the lead, basically anything I could think of to fix things. Anyway, a couple of times recently I decided to make the first move and was very quickly rejected. One of the times we were away staying in a lovely hotel as a treat he arranged for me for Mother's Day. I was so upset I decided to go to bed (it was early eve) and refused to go out for our planned food & drinks. He went out alone & didn't come back until early next morning, very much the worse for wear. I've since seen that he spent a substantial amount of money in a lap dancing bar that night.... Ok, I can deal with that, no great shakes. But then I've discovered a bombshell. I've found out he has been registered on Adultwork for years, and has been sending hundreds of messages arranging to meet. Some were 'outcalls', some 'incalls' and a couple of 'car meets'. I've had to learn quite a lot the last couple of weeks and must admit I have been quite devious in that after confronting him, he de activated his account and was just devastated at what he'd done. I secretly reactive tied his account and changed the email address for alerts to mine so I could do some incognito investigating (bad I know but this has been tearing me apart). Anyway, he had deleted all the in messages he'd received, and they can't be retrieved. Unfortunately I had only read through and taken screenshots of a few before confronting him....
Anyway, I'm rambling too much! Things had improved massively between us, but having been betrayed, I decided rightly or wrongly to continue to investigate. He swore he had never been with any of these girls and was just getting a kick out of making arrangements etc. I then found out one had been to my house. He said he panicked when he realised how real it was when she arrived, so he backed out. I've now found messages where he'd arranged car meets, even saying where they'd met last time! They always coincide with when I was around, yet the outcall ones always coincide with when I wasn't here. He also works away a lot and has been arranging meets at the hotel he usually stays at. Now when I've confronted him again about these car meets, he is insisting they're not actually in person meetings, but are webcam sessions, where the girl uses a laptop in her car, and he interacts via webcam from home. I don't believe him. Why would a girl drive somewhere in her car to do a webcam session, it makes no sense? I've googled it to death, and everything I've seen so far only points towards these being meeting (& the rest!) in person.
I've even tried messaging the very girls using his account that I've hijacked asking them, but no joy! I've now set up another account, pretending to be a guy new to this and messaged the same girls asking them if they offer car meets and what it involves, but they are just asking me to call them!
I don't know what to do, I've got no one I can talk to about this. He's away on holiday with some friends at the moment which has given me hours to investigate but I feel like I'm going mad, it's completely taking over my life & every waking hour (which is a lot at the moment as I can't eat or sleep & just counting down the hours when I'm in work to get home and investigate some more)
Can anyone help me at all? Are car meets sometimes via webcam, or am I being bluffed big time? We had such a good relationship apart from this, and I do know how sorry he is and am very confident he won't do it again, but I can't stand the thought I've been lied to. I've been through bank statements in the most meticulous detail, but he has always used large amounts of cash since I've known him, so I can't really pin much down in that way.

I just want to know re the car meets and if he has met a girl in person and god knows what else.
So sorry for the monumentally long post, had to give the background!
Please please help!
Thank you so much in advance

Wowzers he's done a real number on you hasn't he?
I cannot believe that a successful, intelligent woman like yourself, would put up with this shite.

He must have pushed your self esteem so far down that you don't think you deserve any better.
Anyway... I don't think you will listen to any of this.
You will continue to bury your head in the sand and go on as if nothing has happened.
I feel extremely sad for you. Sorry but I do. You think this is all you are worth. That is not a good thing.
Firstly, please get to your nearest GUM clinic and get STI checked. I dread to think what he could have picked up along the way, while shagging all and sundry.
And then book some counselling / therapy to find out why you think this OK.
Because this is soooo far from OK it's quite difficult to understand why you can't see it.

This is a nice simple explanation of the sunk cost fallacy a pp referred to, which is very relevant to your thinking at the moment www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-makes-you-act-stupid.html

One of the suggestions for overcoming this issue is to write out a list of pros and cons for each option you have. I think this could really help you right now as you have so many ideas floating around.

I really feel for you. I do think you're in shock - your willingness to forgive him and your unwillingness to see what's glaringly obvious to everyone else is just shock. You will start to see sense soon and then, I hope, you will start to feel angry.

Anger is what you need to get this lying, cheating man out of your life. Unfortunately when someone has so eroded your self esteem the anger can be a bit slow coming.

Any man who is unwilling / unable to have a sexual relationship with their partner and yet pays for it elsewhere (whether that is intercourse or not) has some serious issues and needs a LOT of help. But these are HIS issues not yours OP. Although you clearly have problems with your self esteem if you think this is ok (not judging, I have put up with some pretty rubbish treatment from men in the past because I didn't think I was worth more).
You talk about forgiveness, but it is quite possible to forgive a person for what they did while still choosing not to remain in a relationship with them.
Please if you can speak to a real life friend about this and get some support. Sending huge hugs to you OP as this is clearly a massive shock and trauma for you and you are obviously reeling. Wish I could say or do more to help you. xx

Thanks again for all these replies. And thanks to those who say I sound lovely, that is making a huge difference to me right now, believe me. I've felt anything but lovely for the past few years, so for strangers to say that is quite uplifting.
I grew up in the happiest family, where my mother & father have been together since childhood & adore each other. Therein lies the problem I think. Yes, you may rightly think that to allow myself to be treated like this is surely down to my parents having the same relationship, it is because they didn't, and I therefore trust in love and long term commitment, too much! I grew up only knowing that as a relationship, and it's something I expected myself, so yes I am too trusting and laid back as a result.
He has now promised to tell me the WHOLE truth, nothing left out, so you are all right, he has blatantly been lying to me. I know that now. I've told him it's over anyway, but I deserve the truth and he owes me that. He said he lied as he was terrified of losing me, but as I said, that has happened now, and whisky I am unlikely to ever to be able to get past this, I definitely can't until he tells me the whole ugly truth.
He's home on Sunday, when we will sit down and talk, and I'll be faced with the awful reality of what has been going on whilst I've questioned every part of me & why I'm so unattractive.

Who knows what will happen from then on, but at least I will be under no illusions. I'm also going for the STI checks, I've found where and when to go thanks to the advice on here.
I'm pretty sure I can't move on from this with him, so anyone else out ther reading this, who is going through similar, I'll post the truth on here next week after I've spoken to him, so you can truly see what you too might be faced with. I hate the thought of anyone else going through what I am right now.
Thanks so much everyone xxx

Why I am I being so naive in believing he hasn't slept with any prostitutes?!?!

Probably because you've invested a lot in this emotionally and don't want to face the fact that it just won't go away so you can return to how you thought things were?

You sound a very intelligent woman and I'm sure in your heart of hearts you know he's lying; like all the rest he'll only admit to what you actually know, so it's "I didn't actually meet anyone - yes I did but it was only once - we didn't do anything - well yes, we did but it was only a handjob/blowjob" an on and on until you feel you're going mad

It sounds as if you're young enough to put his behind you and start again on your own ... please don't throw away any more of yourself on him

It definitely sounds like co-dependence to me too.

I'm so glad that you're finding your anger. Turn off your phone or block him - he's not important now. You need to concentrate on your own feelings, not his pathetic bleating.

I'll be faced with the awful reality of what has been going on ... at least I will be under no illusions ... I'll post the truth on here next week after I've spoken to him

Sorry Becky, but no; all you'll get is the latest story he's put together to try to keep you onside. If this had been a one-off mistake, instantly regretted, you might have stood a chance of some honesty from him, but after so many years / incidents? Just no, I'm afraid

And if you want to carry on with him in any meaningful sense, could you cope with never actually knowing what happened and constantly wondering what's on his computer history, where he is and what he's doing? That's the killer, you see - not the grubby details of who put what into who, but the sheer, cruel, ongoing deceit

I honestly wouldn't bother listening to his truth. How will you be able to believe anything he says?

What are the practicalities of leaving him? Do you own or rent together? I'd use these next few days he's away to get a head start on leaving/kicking him out.

Sorry but I think he is expecting to be able to talk you round. Otherwise he'd be getting the next flight back.

I'll post the truth on here next week
No you won't. Sorry but he will minimise. He's doing it as we speak. He head is going into overdrive trying to figure out how much he NEEDS to tell you.
He will tell you what he can get away with.
I can guarantee it will start out as, yes I met them, we kissed and groped but I couldn't go any further.
Then you won't believe him, so it will be, OK then I met them but we never had full sex it was just blow jobs.
Then you won't believe him, so it will be, OK then I did have sex with one of them but didn't really like it so never did full sex again.
And so on and so on and so on....
You need to understand that you will NEVER get the full truth from him.
He is a professional liar and that just won't change.

You said up thread it's a great relationship then you say this in your last post:

I've felt anything but lovely for the past few years

That right there tells you everything you need to know. He's made you feel like crap for years and years and you seem to think he's a 'lovely' bloke!

Please re-read all your posts and start to pull out this kind of thing so you can see just how awful this relationship actually is.

You deserve what your mum and dad have. It is out there but it will never be with this scum bag.

Before he can be honest with you, he would need to be honest with himself - and really face up to how he has been living his life. I doubt he can be honest with himself let alone you. Being completely honest with you isn't going to happen.

He will try to spin the situation and get you to calm down, shut up and back in "your place".

I'd put money on the honest truth being he feels he has the right to pay to shag whomever he wants to and it's really none of your business - but he's not going to tell you that.

In light of all you know I wouldn't be listening to him either - it's a massive relief and a personally powerful act to decide actually I don't need to hear him bleat on and on all night. I KNOW it's over and so IT IS OVER!

I would also tell him to take his story and shove it up his arse. Who cares what version of the truth he's going to try and peddle this time? Bottom line, if he's still talking about this its because he believes that he can win you back.

He won't won't to be one of those men seen as a monster, objectifying women, being selfish enough to not give a shit about anyone else, putting yours and his health at risk.

Therefore he will minimize, even if you think he's admitting to a lot it won't be anywhere close to the reality.

Becky, I am so sorry that lovely you has been stuck with an arsehole.

I'm glad you've decided it's over. Please make some plans about housing etc now so you know what your next steps are.

I have to agree with pps, personally, I'd have no interest in what further lies he has to tell in this sorry saga.

He's got time to prepare his story, so he will be currently concocting a narrative of bad childhood, addiction, low self esteem, yadda yadda so that he doesn't lose his home.

I would just accept that you're never going to get the truth from a man who behaves like this.

The bare facts are that he has risked your health for at least 10 years - I'd be very surprised if he wasn't seeing prostitutes on the side from the get go.

He has lied for 10 years. He is continuing to lie.

He was happy to watch your self-confidence implode, for you to waste time and energy over 10 years trying to understand and fix the no sex problem, when he could have just told you that it wasn't you it was him.

This man is not a good guy. He's toe-germ.

Becky, you must be in shock, what a revolting specimen.
I'd be tempted to pack his stuff, put it outside and change the locks. Then go away for the weekend.

Reading the thread has made me feel sick; he's a devious pathological liar - of course he's sorry....he's been caught, he certainly won't change ime.

AF's article was in the Independent:

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/men-who-buy-sex-share-key-characteristics-with-aggressive-sex-offenders-study-claims-10483210.html

Sorry OP. You deserve better.

i think youre obviously not going to believe the truth. The evidence is there, youve found it, but the fact is, you want to believe him, and you want to stay.

people DO stay with adulterers all the time. I do think there are worse crimes than adultery, however I couldnt cope with the lies. You obviously can.

Have you thought about just being honest with him, and telling him that youre happy to stay with him whatever the fuck he does, as long as hes discreet, because thats the truth isnt it.
Maybe you could do an open relationship and then you can have lovers too. See if he likes that

Also get an STD test

thanks Lovecat I was just coming on to post that link, you know where I saw it

op, your partner is just like the men in that article

he isn't a special "he's a good bloke really" case

he uses women

Am I truly being stupid even giving him the chance to try?

Yes. And this won't be a popular comment, but I am struggling to not judge you. Men like this don't deserve loving families and women who will demean themselves so comprehensively just to hang on to them do nobody any favours.

I am also really puzzled why a professional woman wouldn't know how to get an STI check. Or that it might be a good idea bearing in mind the activities you know he has been indulging in.

If this is all true, I suspect that your tolerance of porn, lap dancing, stag do's in the USA etc etc, acceptance of repeated blatant lying and treating you like a naive little girl who will swallow any old shit will make you very, very unhappy.

I cannot see how ending this relationship could bring you any lower than where you presently are.

I've been on mumsnet for quite a few years now, and sadly, every time I see an op saying 'he's going to tell me the truth tonight/this weekend/next week' and then posts it on here, and everyone says, 'that's not the truth, that's what he could get away with saying' and op gets upset and stands up for him, guess what? It usually turns out not to be the truth, and I've seen countless op's come back and admit it - maybe not straight away, but a few weeks or months later, they find out somehow - and that's just the ones who have the guts to be honest and update their threads

Don't be like them, don't believe whatever crap he comes out with, don't let him look at you with big sad eyes, cry, beat his chest, proclaim undying love, that he'll change...... these men lie and lie and lie again, they can't help it, that's who they are, don't fall for it

I would also question listening to him and his sordid tales (even the minimised version)

Having known something similar about a partner (but not to this extent) I hated knowing. It is like seeing an accident or dead animal that you cannot erase from your mind, it's mind pollution.

Look at what you know right now. Is that enough for you to leave? ( I sincerely hope so)

And if so, please do not let your mind be polluted anymore with his disgusting low life behaviour. It will do you harm, not him. He is fine living with his grotesque life, but that doesn't mean you have to.

I would also urge you not to listen to his pathetic tales. They will do you no good at all. You already know what type of person he is if you chose to absorb the information you already have.

I go back to what I said before, it is hard to believe that people can be so disgusting when you are a nice person. I don't want you ruined by this shithead. What can he say that will make you feel any better? Anything he says is going to hurt you more.

I feel so sorry for you, you clearly deserve much better. You say you truly love this man and that he is a wonderful person, but the man you love so deeply doesn't actually exist. The man you love is simply an act that your partner has been putting on, while living an altogether different, seedy and disrespectful life behind your back. He doesn't respect you, and if he believes he loves you, then he has a very warped idea of what true love is. Love is not lying to your partner for over a decade, it is not paying other women for sex while leaving your partner to feel unattractive and unloved, and it is not admitting only as much as you can get away with once found out.

He won't tell you everything, he has no reason to - he will admit only as much as he thinks will make him seem genuinely sorry. I went through this with my husband, who only admitted the truth bit by bit as I found more evidence. He swore he would never ever lie to me again, especially after he claimed that he realised that the lies were far more damaging than the original betrayal. Nobody here will be surprised to read that indeed he did lie to me again, for well over a year, and again only admitted things when backed into a corner by evidence.

You need some space to rediscover your own self-esteem - there is a massive world of fulfilment, joy and happy times waiting out there for you, and once you've done the work you need to do on your view of yourself and what you deserve, you will heave a huge sigh of relief to have rid yourself of this unworthy man.

Do you know, I think there's a strong, independent, savvy and beautiful person under the layers of shock, disbelief, and denial of the OP.

Give her a week or two to think about it, process it, and decide to kick his sorry arse to the kerb, and I'm sure she'll blossom.

I'd bet money that two years from now the update will be 'I've met a lovely man...I can't believe I stayed with cheatypants for so long!'

He has been paying women to have sex with him many of whom will be in an economically desperate situation while depriving you of sex and affection for 10 years (although that will mean there is a lot less chance you have caught an STI.)

WHAT ABSOLUTE FUCKING SCUM HE IS.