OH been using Adultwork a lot, please help!

[Beckyonthebeach]

Hi. This is a bit of a long story I'm sorry. I'm desperate for some help/advice - I've been with my partner for 16 yrs & we have a great relationship except about 10 yrs ago he stopped being interested in me sexually. This has been extremely difficult to deal with and has seriously affected my self esteem. I'd tried being patient, not being so patient, taking the lead, not taking the lead, basically anything I could think of to fix things. Anyway, a couple of times recently I decided to make the first move and was very quickly rejected. One of the times we were away staying in a lovely hotel as a treat he arranged for me for Mother's Day. I was so upset I decided to go to bed (it was early eve) and refused to go out for our planned food & drinks. He went out alone & didn't come back until early next morning, very much the worse for wear. I've since seen that he spent a substantial amount of money in a lap dancing bar that night.... Ok, I can deal with that, no great shakes. But then I've discovered a bombshell. I've found out he has been registered on Adultwork for years, and has been sending hundreds of messages arranging to meet. Some were 'outcalls', some 'incalls' and a couple of 'car meets'. I've had to learn quite a lot the last couple of weeks and must admit I have been quite devious in that after confronting him, he de activated his account and was just devastated at what he'd done. I secretly reactive tied his account and changed the email address for alerts to mine so I could do some incognito investigating (bad I know but this has been tearing me apart). Anyway, he had deleted all the in messages he'd received, and they can't be retrieved. Unfortunately I had only read through and taken screenshots of a few before confronting him....
Anyway, I'm rambling too much! Things had improved massively between us, but having been betrayed, I decided rightly or wrongly to continue to investigate. He swore he had never been with any of these girls and was just getting a kick out of making arrangements etc. I then found out one had been to my house. He said he panicked when he realised how real it was when she arrived, so he backed out. I've now found messages where he'd arranged car meets, even saying where they'd met last time! They always coincide with when I was around, yet the outcall ones always coincide with when I wasn't here. He also works away a lot and has been arranging meets at the hotel he usually stays at. Now when I've confronted him again about these car meets, he is insisting they're not actually in person meetings, but are webcam sessions, where the girl uses a laptop in her car, and he interacts via webcam from home. I don't believe him. Why would a girl drive somewhere in her car to do a webcam session, it makes no sense? I've googled it to death, and everything I've seen so far only points towards these being meeting (& the rest!) in person.
I've even tried messaging the very girls using his account that I've hijacked asking them, but no joy! I've now set up another account, pretending to be a guy new to this and messaged the same girls asking them if they offer car meets and what it involves, but they are just asking me to call them!
I don't know what to do, I've got no one I can talk to about this. He's away on holiday with some friends at the moment which has given me hours to investigate but I feel like I'm going mad, it's completely taking over my life & every waking hour (which is a lot at the moment as I can't eat or sleep & just counting down the hours when I'm in work to get home and investigate some more)
Can anyone help me at all? Are car meets sometimes via webcam, or am I being bluffed big time? We had such a good relationship apart from this, and I do know how sorry he is and am very confident he won't do it again, but I can't stand the thought I've been lied to. I've been through bank statements in the most meticulous detail, but he has always used large amounts of cash since I've known him, so I can't really pin much down in that way.

I just want to know re the car meets and if he has met a girl in person and god knows what else.
So sorry for the monumentally long post, had to give the background!
Please please help!
Thank you so much in advance

You don't owe him anything. It must be hard to walk away from such a long relationship but he's not who you thought he was.
He owes you big time. He should be answering your questions, reassuring you but instead he's still lying.
you can't just give up on an otherwise great long term relationship because of one thing

It's a hell of a thing though, isn't it? If it was one meet, one message, I might agree with you actually I wouldn't but this has been going on for years.

I don't think badly of you, btw. This must have come as a hell of a shock and I can understand you not wanting to walk away from the last 16 years of your life, but I can't imagine that after all this time he'll just stop.

It's so worrying that you see this as 'one thing' he's done, a mistake, he deserves a second chance

He's been unfaithful to you over and over again, paid for sex with prostitutes in the most seedy circumstances - this is a massive, massive betrayal, I don't know how you can even think of getting past it, and if you forgive him and move on, why wouldn't he do it again? There have been no consequences, you've accepted his behaviour, he's lost nothing, so he'll go back to doing it, and you'll spend the rest of your life wondering and doubting him, is that really all you're worth?

When you are a nice person it is hard to imagine that people can be so disgusting.

But he still is.

Your relationship is not amazing as you've not had a sex life in ten years and he refused to have sex when you would like to. Now you know why.

It's hard when you are in the situation, even more minor relationship breakdowns can be tough and hard to get a true perspective because of all the emotion involved. You need some time and space to get perspective. Try counselling and be wary of telling friends and family as it can make it difficulty if you do make it work.

I don't know how Adult Work works, but you'd have to think that they have a way of dealing with repeat and persistent time wasters/sex pests. I'd imagine they would block them. He's so full of bullshit - he really thinks you will blindly believe him. How is that love?

He is also very cruel, rejecting you sexually for 10 years, and not caring about the destruction to you self esteem this has caused. If he really loved you don't you think he would try to work with you to deal with this massive issue?

I get it. You've been together for 16 years and don't want to admit that he's been lying to you and cheating on you for at least a decade of your relationship. Because that would make a mockery of your life together.

But he has. And he will continue to do so, because you have basically told him he can.

I'm sorry. You need to get angry. And go for an STD check. Look after yourself.

there isn't anything wrong with you op, you are in shock, denial, shock, despair.

Some people CAN compartmentalize their lives, in different ways.

You are trying to make sense of all the normality of your relationship, as you knew it. Now things have changed and you are trying to grasp at that normality and see where it fits in with this new information.

The man hasn't gone hear you in years, that's not normal either.

What will it take for you to accept this bloke has been using prostitutes ?

The next time he invites one to your house, you walk in when he is balls deep ?

The next time he does a car meet up you pull up alongside and watch the blow job in action ?

You are mistaking the fact you haven't personally witnessed something to mean it hasn't happened

That is a huge mistake. It is unlikely he will give up using sex workers now, he obviously gets something out of the transactional nature of the sex and he is no longer is interested in lovely mutually beneficial sex with someone he doesn't have to pay

I am sorry to put it so bluntly, but the man you see is not the person you think he is

Am on my phone so can't link but have a Google for a recent Guardian article entitled something like "men who use sex workers really are as bad as we think"

Wise up

Incidentally, why would it be OK if it were "just" cam work. He is paying women to sexual service him. Get shut of this loser, you deserve better.

I don't think badly of you either OP - I feel a massive amount of empathy for your situation and I'd like to give you a big hug.

You are opening your eyes and waking up now - and of course it's going to be a massive shock.

Who the hell gets turned on by just arranging to meet someone... I mean really. And even if it was true (it's not), then why not just use a regular dating site with a fake good-looking picture if he never intended to meet in person?

Sorry but the only explanation that makes any sense is the glaringly obvious one.

I think this is the article AnyFucker mentioned: www.theguardian.com/society/2010/jan/15/why-men-use-prostitutes

Becky I forgave forgave and forgave affairs,prostitutes the lot as I genuinely thought he "loved " me it was 12 years of my life I will never get back........... Funnily enough it wasn't me who left it was him................. 4 years later I am happy with a man I can trust.

I understand what it is like when you are in that situation and leaving seems like too much, but stop talk to RL friends to get support for the next revelation as unfortunately there will be one as like my exh he will see you forgiving him as a green light to go off and do it all again on another website etc.... but be more careful with his browsing history and phone messages next time!!

Sending hugs xx

Thank you all so much for all your advice and words of wisdom, you are all obviously much wiser ladies than me!
I have taken every single one of your points on board, and it has not gone over my head that I am in the minority here in my thinking.
I have a LOT of hard thinking to do
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You've no idea how hard it has been to deal with this on my own. Every single opinion counts.

Why are you so absolutely certain he won't do anything like this again when he hasn't even admitted what he is already doing?

Why would he be honest with you from this point onwards when he hasn't been so far?

Why do you believe that he will suddenly give up a very long standing habit and turn to you for those needs again?

Do you even know what those needs are?

Clearly these meets were giving him something he wouldn't seek from you. So now what? You're going to tie yourself in knots trying to figure out what it was he needed from them so he doesn't go there again?

How can you live with someone who has so little respect for you? If he loved you he'd tell you the truth. He is taking you for a fool. He clearly thinks you are stupid enough to believe whatever he is telling you and he knows he will continue to get away with it too because he can see how desperate you are to bury the truth too.

OP, him refusing to sleep with you its in itself grounds to leave him (if any were needed). That's awful.

The fact that he has been using prostitutes for the last ten years is bloody catastrophic. I really don't think you will be able to accept it and move on. I think it will eat away at you for the rest of your life if you stay with him.

You deserve somebody who wants you. Not wants a bit of you

No, LF, that's not the one I mean

The one I refer to is dated yesterday or today (I wish I wasn't so crap on my phone)

You don't need proof to go. I left my husband after finding odd bits of evidence (condoms in his wallet, late nights out, odd browser history). I went a bit mad trying to prove he was. He kept denying. Eventually I saw that it actually made no difference. Our sex life was zero, he wasn't prepared to do anything to fix our marriage, he was spending more and more time and money away that it dawned on me that even if he wasn't having affairs, he really might as well be. The impact on me is the same.

I left and, looking back, was absolutely right to. I never did find out whether he was shagging other people. He denies it even now but after I left I read a blog he kept. No fucking way was he not putting it about during our marriage. I saw his true colors right there, not the persona he played to me.

Funny thing is, I'm with a new man who I DO trust and my ex meanwhile has been cheated on, lives a vacuous and empty existence with superficial relationships, has slipped into alcoholism and has really screwed up his life. I'm lucky I left when I did.

Becky, don't you dare try to do the Pick Me Dance for this man in an effort to "save your relationship"

It might not matter, but it's worth knowing that Adultwork has a system where you can record no-shows, and the website kicks you off after two. It's a waste of everyone's time, and they want respectable (bleurgh, but that's the term they use!) and reliable idiots customers only.

So he definitely hasn't just been arranging to meet and not going through with it, and he hasn't been getting a woman to webcam him in her car. I mean, really?

I know it must hurt and your instinctive reaction will be to try and believe him to minimise hurt to yourself, but he really has behaved despicably, and now he's lying to you. If he was truly sorry, he'd at least admit to what he's done.

OneBreath's post above gives you all the evidence you need.

He simply cannot have been not turning up. He was going and he was buying sexual services.

Do not waiver from this.

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you.

If after all this you do decide to stay with him (please don't) then start by getting him to take an STI test. If it doesn't come back clear then you'll have the definitive answer you seek. If however it does come back clear (bear in mind it won't prove he's not been paying for sex though), you can decide from there if you want to give him the chance to see if he truly does want to make you happy, and in time prove how committed/capable he is with regard to resuming intimacy with you etc. (am absolutely not recommending this btw, but if you do then at least arm yourself with some solid facts).

Personally I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him and think all you'd be doing is delaying an inevitable break-up. Even if you can get past what he's done to you I doubt he'd get past you forbidding him from indulging what is so obviously a massive part of his life.

Btw what are the reasons you two aren't married? No judging, just curious as to whether it's something that's come from him.

He checked out of your marriage ten years ago.
He hasn't made one mistake, he's spent a decade having sex with prostitutes.
Kick him out.

Think of all those hard times you've been through together.
Now realise that through those times he slept with prostitutes.
So, illness, death, worry, infertility, whatever it was, he left your side, kissed your forehead, and went off and fucked someone else.

Just to clarify, not saying you should be married but just wondering if it's something you've wanted and he's said no.

Becky - wake up! There is no way back from this. It's time to move on.