OH been using Adultwork a lot, please help!

[Beckyonthebeach]

Hi. This is a bit of a long story I'm sorry. I'm desperate for some help/advice - I've been with my partner for 16 yrs & we have a great relationship except about 10 yrs ago he stopped being interested in me sexually. This has been extremely difficult to deal with and has seriously affected my self esteem. I'd tried being patient, not being so patient, taking the lead, not taking the lead, basically anything I could think of to fix things. Anyway, a couple of times recently I decided to make the first move and was very quickly rejected. One of the times we were away staying in a lovely hotel as a treat he arranged for me for Mother's Day. I was so upset I decided to go to bed (it was early eve) and refused to go out for our planned food & drinks. He went out alone & didn't come back until early next morning, very much the worse for wear. I've since seen that he spent a substantial amount of money in a lap dancing bar that night.... Ok, I can deal with that, no great shakes. But then I've discovered a bombshell. I've found out he has been registered on Adultwork for years, and has been sending hundreds of messages arranging to meet. Some were 'outcalls', some 'incalls' and a couple of 'car meets'. I've had to learn quite a lot the last couple of weeks and must admit I have been quite devious in that after confronting him, he de activated his account and was just devastated at what he'd done. I secretly reactive tied his account and changed the email address for alerts to mine so I could do some incognito investigating (bad I know but this has been tearing me apart). Anyway, he had deleted all the in messages he'd received, and they can't be retrieved. Unfortunately I had only read through and taken screenshots of a few before confronting him....
Anyway, I'm rambling too much! Things had improved massively between us, but having been betrayed, I decided rightly or wrongly to continue to investigate. He swore he had never been with any of these girls and was just getting a kick out of making arrangements etc. I then found out one had been to my house. He said he panicked when he realised how real it was when she arrived, so he backed out. I've now found messages where he'd arranged car meets, even saying where they'd met last time! They always coincide with when I was around, yet the outcall ones always coincide with when I wasn't here. He also works away a lot and has been arranging meets at the hotel he usually stays at. Now when I've confronted him again about these car meets, he is insisting they're not actually in person meetings, but are webcam sessions, where the girl uses a laptop in her car, and he interacts via webcam from home. I don't believe him. Why would a girl drive somewhere in her car to do a webcam session, it makes no sense? I've googled it to death, and everything I've seen so far only points towards these being meeting (& the rest!) in person.
I've even tried messaging the very girls using his account that I've hijacked asking them, but no joy! I've now set up another account, pretending to be a guy new to this and messaged the same girls asking them if they offer car meets and what it involves, but they are just asking me to call them!
I don't know what to do, I've got no one I can talk to about this. He's away on holiday with some friends at the moment which has given me hours to investigate but I feel like I'm going mad, it's completely taking over my life & every waking hour (which is a lot at the moment as I can't eat or sleep & just counting down the hours when I'm in work to get home and investigate some more)
Can anyone help me at all? Are car meets sometimes via webcam, or am I being bluffed big time? We had such a good relationship apart from this, and I do know how sorry he is and am very confident he won't do it again, but I can't stand the thought I've been lied to. I've been through bank statements in the most meticulous detail, but he has always used large amounts of cash since I've known him, so I can't really pin much down in that way.

I just want to know re the car meets and if he has met a girl in person and god knows what else.
So sorry for the monumentally long post, had to give the background!
Please please help!
Thank you so much in advance

Yes it is what you get from this person. And he's given it to you in spades.

Tell us more about your amazing career and good salary - is this perhaps why he is so keen to stay with you despite not being committed to you. Do you pay 50/50 for your lifestyle or do you cover more of the costs?

So many great people would want what you want from a relationship. he is wasting your life away with his double life, lies and deceit - you should be starting to get really really angry with him.

Well go get yourself out there and take someone up on the offer !

Seriously, you have gone 10 years without any passion for someone who is fucking prostitutes.

Go and do something for you.

My totally cynical part says he is only texting you desperately because he doesn't want to go out tonight feeling bad and he can go do his 'stag do' things fuck another prostitute with a calm mind.

If you told you best friend what he had done, what would she say? And if you couldn't tell your best friend, please do ask yourself why.

I am really angry with him. No, he's not wanting to stay with me as I earn well, he does too (slightly more than me, but we were almost equal), so that isn't the draw for either of us, we are both capable of being financially independent.

This isn't love

Love is respect, care, empathy, nurture, honesty, trust.

You have none of those things.

You are confusing it with attachment. Which can come in all forms, including extremely unhealthy forms.

Chlamydia not chlamidya ^^

Some truths;

1. He finds you unattractive, which is why he hasn't slept with you.
2. Fucking prostitutes is easier - he can pick different women according to his whims, and it's all about him. He doesn't have to be nice to them.
3. He wants to stay with you; who else will wash his underwear clean of all the bodily fluids when he's bought a woman? You!

You deserve someone who thinks you are the most beautiful thing on earth, who can't wait to kiss, cuddle, make love, fuck, with you.

Get shot of this selfish, abusing prick.

no, its not what you get or deserve. Some horrible humans are unable to return love and loyalty. It's not a reflection of you. It is a reflection of them and who they are inside.

He is sorry you found out, he would've carried on until you did/didn't.

I think you would be a mug to let him back and carry on playing happy families until he gets bored again.

Going back to the basics of your post-
Are car meets sometimes via webcam, or am I being bluffed big time
No, you are being bluffed big time.
I can't stand the thought I've been lied to
You have been lied to, probably for 10 years.
I just want to know re the car meets and if he has met a girl in person and god knows what else
Sounds like he has met girls here, there and everywhere. Now you have the answers to you questions.

What does love mean in this context? You don't even know him.

He clearly doesn't love you or he wouldn't have done this over such a long period.

It's clearly not a financial attraction for both of you.

For you, it's because you love him, and so letting him go is hard.

For him, it's because he can go and sleep with prostitutes, go on holiday with the lads, go to lapdancing clubs and generally behave like a complete twat, and then come back to you, who forgives him for everything and looks after him. It's a family for him to come home too, without any of the effort or any real commitment.

It's unhealthy, though, and not only has he put your health at risk for a decade, but he's still lying through his teeth. Tell him now that you know that he is lying, so that he quits with that at least.

Oh and he's a liar. You can never trust a word he says again.

Becky,

re an earlier comment of yours:-
"You can't just give up on an otherwise great long term relationship because of one thing in my mind, everyone deserves the opportunity of a second chance"

Well actually they do not and its more than one thing or one time; this has been happening over 10 years. How many more chances would you also be prepared to give him; the man thinks you are a right muggins. The thinking in your comment is the "sunken costs" fallacy that is common in relationships and that is basically caused you to continue to make poor relationship decisions. You forget here that the damage has already been done.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. I think you are also going to have to completely reassess your whole approach when it comes to relationships as well as unlearning all the damaging crap you've learnt along the way.

He prefers prostitutes to sleeping with you and has a long term prostitute addiction. He needs to be gone immediately from your lives.

Do you actually know what love is, did anyone ever bother to teach you what a mutually healthy relationship is actually like?.

I do not think you so much love him, I think you are co-dependent and have put him and his needs always well above yours at great cost to both you and by turn your children.

Oh Becky you really do sound lovely. None of what you describe is what happens in a normal relationship. Even if your husband is telling the truth (and I very, very much doubt he is) if my husband had arranged to meet a prostitute and not gone through with it, I'd still end my marriage.

You deserve better than this man. He's chipping away at your self-esteem even if you can't see it. You're already putting up with a man who uses porn, contacts prostitutes and lies to you about it. Is this really what you would want for your child?

Hold your head up high and think about what you deserve. Good luck.

I can't see anything to love. Co-dependency maybe, but certainly not love. Surely a relationship without sex for 10 years isn't a relationship - regardless of the prostution?

What do you do?

You tell him that you have more self respect than to stay with a man who doesn't want to have sex with you and who'd rather pay to have sex with prostitutes. And you tell him that its over and he can go and lie to and cheat on someone else.

You sound like a really sweet person, but very naive and trusting. He's been a complete shit to you, yet still you want to see the best in him and believe what he's told you. He's lying. He's panicking because you've caught him out in those lies, but he's STILL lying.

Car calls that were on a webcam? Please! Making multiple appointments with prostitutes, but never going through with meeting them? Again, lies. He clearly knows your trusting nature and is using it to continue to abuse you. TBH, if you're not married and don't have DC together and don't have sex I don't really see why, when he's getting his pleasures elsewhere, either of you want to continue with this charade. Please, kick him out and then work on your self-esteem.

And look up your local Genito-Urinary Medicine Clinic, ring them and book a full screening for STIs.

Are you worried to leave because of financial reasons due to not being married ?
If you are financially independent then you have no reason to stay. I could understand you staying if you are worried re finances.
Do you want sex ever again ? Do you not deserve to be loved sexually for the rest of your life ?
You have been so cruelly treated for the past ten years, maybe he can charm his way through other areas of your life together but he is a cruel hideous creature. I have no words to describe how closed off from reality he has made you, I want to take you away from him and give you a hug

My XH used prostitutes, though he only registered with AW the week after we split.
He also "was only looking" then backtracked to "I booked but never went through with it"

As PP said - he'd have been blocked, and pretty quickly.

Mine also said he was sorry and looked oh so sad. Wanted to go to counselling. It was all a terrible mistake.

He doesn't know I know about his AW account.

6 weeks after he got a new GF (having lost his marriage over prostitute use) he booked a woman on AW. 6 weeks! You know, when you're all excited about a new relationship?

And this is a good one: he's on holiday currently, with his GF and her child, and ours. Happy family holiday. The night before he went - he booked a prostitute.

THESE ARSEHOLES DO NOT CHANGE.

You gave him chances to tell the truth. He failed miserably. You gave him chances to restart a sex life. He refused. You have given him enough chances to change, more than enough.

Sorry time delay with posting - hadn't seen your post re financially independent.
Please please please leave him you sound so bloody lovely

OP if you are financially independent and don't have children in common, you have literally no reason not to leave.

Can I ask - did one of your parents have multiple affairs when you were a child? Were you given a lesson of "that's what men do" and you should just accept disrespectful, bad behaviour? Have you watched people in relationships tell themselves they "can't" leave because they don't have "proof"?

You don't have to answer those questions here, but I do think you should ask yourself why you are willing to stay with a man who refuses sex with you, lies blatantly to you and seems to think you are so stupid you will believe his obvious lies.

You deserve so much more than this empty shell of a relationship.

He is taking you for an absolute mug.

Also, what incentive does he have to stop when you'll believe any old bullshit he tells you.

Do you have someone in real life who you can talk this through with? Someone who you know thinks like you do about things and whose opinion you trust. I think you need some help seeing how truly terribly he has treated you here. Even if it were just webcams and chatting to sex workers online about meeting up (and that sounds highly unlikely) it's pretty grim.

What do you get out of this relationship? You deserve better!

change the locks while he is away