OH been using Adultwork a lot, please help!

[Beckyonthebeach]

Hi. This is a bit of a long story I'm sorry. I'm desperate for some help/advice - I've been with my partner for 16 yrs & we have a great relationship except about 10 yrs ago he stopped being interested in me sexually. This has been extremely difficult to deal with and has seriously affected my self esteem. I'd tried being patient, not being so patient, taking the lead, not taking the lead, basically anything I could think of to fix things. Anyway, a couple of times recently I decided to make the first move and was very quickly rejected. One of the times we were away staying in a lovely hotel as a treat he arranged for me for Mother's Day. I was so upset I decided to go to bed (it was early eve) and refused to go out for our planned food & drinks. He went out alone & didn't come back until early next morning, very much the worse for wear. I've since seen that he spent a substantial amount of money in a lap dancing bar that night.... Ok, I can deal with that, no great shakes. But then I've discovered a bombshell. I've found out he has been registered on Adultwork for years, and has been sending hundreds of messages arranging to meet. Some were 'outcalls', some 'incalls' and a couple of 'car meets'. I've had to learn quite a lot the last couple of weeks and must admit I have been quite devious in that after confronting him, he de activated his account and was just devastated at what he'd done. I secretly reactive tied his account and changed the email address for alerts to mine so I could do some incognito investigating (bad I know but this has been tearing me apart). Anyway, he had deleted all the in messages he'd received, and they can't be retrieved. Unfortunately I had only read through and taken screenshots of a few before confronting him....
Anyway, I'm rambling too much! Things had improved massively between us, but having been betrayed, I decided rightly or wrongly to continue to investigate. He swore he had never been with any of these girls and was just getting a kick out of making arrangements etc. I then found out one had been to my house. He said he panicked when he realised how real it was when she arrived, so he backed out. I've now found messages where he'd arranged car meets, even saying where they'd met last time! They always coincide with when I was around, yet the outcall ones always coincide with when I wasn't here. He also works away a lot and has been arranging meets at the hotel he usually stays at. Now when I've confronted him again about these car meets, he is insisting they're not actually in person meetings, but are webcam sessions, where the girl uses a laptop in her car, and he interacts via webcam from home. I don't believe him. Why would a girl drive somewhere in her car to do a webcam session, it makes no sense? I've googled it to death, and everything I've seen so far only points towards these being meeting (& the rest!) in person.
I've even tried messaging the very girls using his account that I've hijacked asking them, but no joy! I've now set up another account, pretending to be a guy new to this and messaged the same girls asking them if they offer car meets and what it involves, but they are just asking me to call them!
I don't know what to do, I've got no one I can talk to about this. He's away on holiday with some friends at the moment which has given me hours to investigate but I feel like I'm going mad, it's completely taking over my life & every waking hour (which is a lot at the moment as I can't eat or sleep & just counting down the hours when I'm in work to get home and investigate some more)
Can anyone help me at all? Are car meets sometimes via webcam, or am I being bluffed big time? We had such a good relationship apart from this, and I do know how sorry he is and am very confident he won't do it again, but I can't stand the thought I've been lied to. I've been through bank statements in the most meticulous detail, but he has always used large amounts of cash since I've known him, so I can't really pin much down in that way.

I just want to know re the car meets and if he has met a girl in person and god knows what else.
So sorry for the monumentally long post, had to give the background!
Please please help!
Thank you so much in advance

He isn't devastated about what he has done, he is devastated he has been caught

This man has serious issues, he would rather have sex with a stranger than with his partner, he can't deal with the intimacy. This man is incapable of being in a real relationship, how can he possible love you but ignore your needs for 10 years whilst ensuring his are fulfilled

Don't expect to get the whole truth on Sunday as he will spend the next couple of days trying to think of ways to limit the damage, get out and stay away

You are all so probably right!
You amazing, stronger than me, more in touch with the real world than me women!
Hugs to each & every one of you. Especially to the lady who used to be an escort, believe me I don't blame the escorts, they are doing nothing wrong and big up to her for coming on here, admitting to what she used to do and giving me advice, thank you!!!!!

Ok ladies, now HE is trying to make me feel guilty for texting him in anger while he's away. Fuck that! It IS over.......!!!!!!,

I think what he is done is so reprehensible that you shouldn't contact him any further. Hopefully you'll have a third party that can help you deal with this all and get him out of your life.

Best luck for the future, make it quick and painless.

Oh dear,you're not spoiling his weekend are you? He's making it all about him again, no consideration for your feelings. I am glad you are getting rid and am sure, in time,you'll be much happier.

Of course he's trying to make you feel guilty.
Radio silence.
Do not respond to any texts
Do not answer your phone.
It will drive him insane.
I really hope you mean it.
Please be the strong lovely woman you are.
I would say sleep tight but I know that won't happen.
Keep hydrated and keep your sugar levels up.

Thank you, and yes xxxx

Eat your nice food - tomato soup, hot chocolate, whatever. Take care of you.

It's so sad to see threads like these.

How women are hoodwinked into believing - against all evidence - a minimised version of events.

I think you have seen the light OP, but when you come face to face with him, he will try and manipulate you - as he has done for the last 10 years.

I very much doubt he will "come clean". You will get an edited version of the truth based on what he thinks you know. Then you will get a host of reasons why. The blame will range from his esteem issues, to an inferiority complex that you have given him by being so amazing - a passive aggressive way of making you take responsibility for his actions.

So as you speak, keep fixed in your brain the fact that this arsehole has sexually ignored you for a decade whilst "indulging" in seedy semi public encounters.

He might "seem" like a nice man, but he's not. He's just a good actor and it's time the show ended.

Be brave - it's hard, but you deserve more.

Hi op. When you say it's over, I hope you mean it. This man does not respect you, he doesn't respect women. Please start to respect yourself and do not stay with this man.

Becky just sending a hug your way. I can imagine how difficult this is. I think sometimes we can talk ourselves into believeing what we want to believe but deep down you know he is sleeping with prostitutes over many years.

I know a man who did thi to his wife who he loved very much. He did it to his next wife too.

It was just in him.

I am sorry, just decide if you are happy to live with it in exchange for the other things that you feel are good but to do so with integrity and authenticity you must accept that he is disloyal, unfaithful and a liar.

If all of that is okay with you then maybe have an open relationship. Many people enjoy those.

I personally would want my OH to be the one person I could trust the most but I don't doubt how diffficlut this is for you.

He is a shit

"How can I find out for sure?". Ask him, you say you trust him, so ask him. However, you're not going to because the rational part of your brain doesn't trust him after all the lies. The rational part of your brain, that isn't in denial, is always going to be on the look out for dodgy behaviour. You havent 'got past' any of his past behaviour, you've buried the pain and every time your confronted with new shitty behaviour, the past pain rises to the surface and joins the latest.

This isn't about him and his sleazy behaviour, this about you and why you put up with it. You've surrendered so much power to this man that you've forgotten that you have choices; continue to accept that your partner prefers and prioritises sex with other women, or don't.

'Getting past it' denial is losing its efficacy as a coping mechanism because the shitty behaviour is ongoing. You really need someone in RL (preferably a professional) who can help you work through your hurt and fear.

I am so, so sorry that you have been treated with such contempt but ultimately, you are responsible for your self esteem and continually exposing yourself to someone's behaviour that damages it, is your responsibility.

Good luck.

Oh of course, how dare you ruin his holiday/sex fest.

If you own the house I suggest you don't let him back in.

Just watching a documentary on channel 4 on demand called Hugh Class Call Girls - they advertise through the Adult Work site/app - might be worth a watch to help you understand what he's been up to. Or it could be an absolutely bloody terrible idea!

*High not Hugh! Bloody phone

You need to leave.

Thanks coveredinsnot - think I will watch that. Can't be any worse than what I already know!!!!
Thank you.

Wow now he's blaming you! I hope you can seen now how far from a "nice guy" he actually is. You are seeing his true colours now. Well some of them anyway - I'm sure there is more to discover, but really don't waste your time. He's been fooling you and manipulating you for years. Because you are a nice person and trusted him. End of all that now Becky - the scales are falling from your eyes.

Hope you are doing Ok today.

OP - this thread has made very interesting reading for me - my 'D'H is a liar, and he has lied to me for all of our time together, 25 years in all, not about prostitutes though. We have a sexless marriage also.

When I posted about his latest lie on here the resulting thread read almost exactly the same as this one. I couldn't accept what was being said - I needed proof (but like you, my threshold for proof was too high). What he has done is more than enough to leave him, 100 times over!

DH also minimises what he has done/said - and always manages to talk me around. He goes away quite often - whilst he is away I am able to see what he is doing to me. As soon as he returns, I give in. I KNOW I have to leave - I am making plans to do so. I am waiting for the anger to arrive - then it will be over.

Your 'D'P is away now, PLEASE keep whatever has given you the courage to decide to end it within you. Carry those thoughts with you when he 'tells you the truth'.

As other posters have said - you ARE worth more than he is giving you.

What a horrible man. And you turning yourself inside out for years and years trying to get him to have sex with you. he's despicable:( Or turning down nice men asking you for a drink, and you could have gone. You could have been single and found someone else. There is still time. And being on your own would be preferable to this idiot, surely?

Not only has he lied to you for years, he's fucked up what could have been a happy and normal life for you - he's very I'm alright Jack isn't he?

Get him OUT and away from you and your children. There's nothing to talk about is there, with him? I wouldn't take my coat off round him, let alone sleep in the same bed.

Maybe the thrill of shagging prostitutes has gone now he can't pretend he's " cheating" and that's your fault is it? I see. Don't worry, he'll calm down after a shag with the local prostitute and be back begging for forgiveness and another chance to screw you over:(

Thank you britneyspearscatsuit for your kind words, they are what I need at the moment, not some of the accusational, hurtful tbh comments I'm getting from some. I do kind of understand as I know I look a bit stupid, but cmon ladies, I'm seriously hurting here! The relationship I though I had for 16 yrs is anything but what I thought! Ok, I've asked for opinions, but not to judge me - I've done NOTHING wrong. So thank you to those who have shown me such lovely kindness (I so need that at the mo)
It's never as simple as it seems, just remember that before you judge.

Please just ignore the more snipey comments, they're so unnecessary! You're doing amazingly well considering you were in such shock not so very long ago. There are lots of very supportive people on here who will be by your side throughout this ordeal, I'm one of them. It will all work out OK because you're clearly on the right track.

Are you still due to meet with him tomorrow? How are you going to take the next steps?