OH been using Adultwork a lot, please help!

[Beckyonthebeach]

Hi. This is a bit of a long story I'm sorry. I'm desperate for some help/advice - I've been with my partner for 16 yrs & we have a great relationship except about 10 yrs ago he stopped being interested in me sexually. This has been extremely difficult to deal with and has seriously affected my self esteem. I'd tried being patient, not being so patient, taking the lead, not taking the lead, basically anything I could think of to fix things. Anyway, a couple of times recently I decided to make the first move and was very quickly rejected. One of the times we were away staying in a lovely hotel as a treat he arranged for me for Mother's Day. I was so upset I decided to go to bed (it was early eve) and refused to go out for our planned food & drinks. He went out alone & didn't come back until early next morning, very much the worse for wear. I've since seen that he spent a substantial amount of money in a lap dancing bar that night.... Ok, I can deal with that, no great shakes. But then I've discovered a bombshell. I've found out he has been registered on Adultwork for years, and has been sending hundreds of messages arranging to meet. Some were 'outcalls', some 'incalls' and a couple of 'car meets'. I've had to learn quite a lot the last couple of weeks and must admit I have been quite devious in that after confronting him, he de activated his account and was just devastated at what he'd done. I secretly reactive tied his account and changed the email address for alerts to mine so I could do some incognito investigating (bad I know but this has been tearing me apart). Anyway, he had deleted all the in messages he'd received, and they can't be retrieved. Unfortunately I had only read through and taken screenshots of a few before confronting him....
Anyway, I'm rambling too much! Things had improved massively between us, but having been betrayed, I decided rightly or wrongly to continue to investigate. He swore he had never been with any of these girls and was just getting a kick out of making arrangements etc. I then found out one had been to my house. He said he panicked when he realised how real it was when she arrived, so he backed out. I've now found messages where he'd arranged car meets, even saying where they'd met last time! They always coincide with when I was around, yet the outcall ones always coincide with when I wasn't here. He also works away a lot and has been arranging meets at the hotel he usually stays at. Now when I've confronted him again about these car meets, he is insisting they're not actually in person meetings, but are webcam sessions, where the girl uses a laptop in her car, and he interacts via webcam from home. I don't believe him. Why would a girl drive somewhere in her car to do a webcam session, it makes no sense? I've googled it to death, and everything I've seen so far only points towards these being meeting (& the rest!) in person.
I've even tried messaging the very girls using his account that I've hijacked asking them, but no joy! I've now set up another account, pretending to be a guy new to this and messaged the same girls asking them if they offer car meets and what it involves, but they are just asking me to call them!
I don't know what to do, I've got no one I can talk to about this. He's away on holiday with some friends at the moment which has given me hours to investigate but I feel like I'm going mad, it's completely taking over my life & every waking hour (which is a lot at the moment as I can't eat or sleep & just counting down the hours when I'm in work to get home and investigate some more)
Can anyone help me at all? Are car meets sometimes via webcam, or am I being bluffed big time? We had such a good relationship apart from this, and I do know how sorry he is and am very confident he won't do it again, but I can't stand the thought I've been lied to. I've been through bank statements in the most meticulous detail, but he has always used large amounts of cash since I've known him, so I can't really pin much down in that way.

I just want to know re the car meets and if he has met a girl in person and god knows what else.
So sorry for the monumentally long post, had to give the background!
Please please help!
Thank you so much in advance

Hope you are alright OP?

OP we need an update! Hope all is well.

Becky I hope you are ok today.

How did the talk go? What did his "real truth" sound like? Or did he come home with an angry defensive attitude after you dared to raise matters with him over the weekend?

I wonder what's happened to the op?

Have you spoken to him yet OP?

I don't think op is going to return... Starting to wonder if this was one of those made up threads?

More likely she swallowed the bullcrap

He's talked her round ......

Oh dear......

OMG

I find it so annoying when people seek help and then don't update! Grrr.

Mmm but if she's gone another way, it is difficult to come back.

Well, there's no obligation to update. I think you have to give advice freely.

The OP's husband is clearly a long term user of prostitutes, and I expect she's decided to stay with him. Either because she desperately wants to believe whatever shit he's come out with, or because she knows it's bullshit but she isn't ready to make the break yet.

He's so obviously cheating, that there's no way she can post on here that she's staying with a torrent of being told she's a fool.

She knows that. But she'll have her reasons for staying. Would you come back for a lot of "you're a fool" type messages?

I've been where the OP is. Well - my evidence wasn't quite as stark! But I was in the position of not leaving when deep down I knew he was cheating. I had a child blah blah blah...

OP, if you're reading this, good luck. I know it's hard to go sometimes. I know that even when you leave and look back and it's blindingly obvious what was happening, when you're in the thick of it it just seems unbelievable so maybe it isn't true.

You don't have to update. But don't be embarrassed to come back at a later date

Cabrinha, that's a very kind and intuitive post for the OP. "When she's ready" springs to mind, and for those that find a lack of update difficult [coveridinsnot] ? Read the daily mail and you'll get a fix (if that's your need??).

cabrinha that's a lovely post and far more articulate and caring than anything I've managed to squeeze out of my hormone addled brain! Couldn't agree more and yes why would she come back for the inevitable pressure, judgement and lynching if she's decided to stay with him? My curiosity is really just wanting to know she's OK. Op I hope you are OK.

if this is all for real

1. he won't tell the truth
2. she will stay with him.

Ewwww

ODFOD hubby.

'Men's desires'?!?!

Sex is not just for men you know. Women don't use men for babies and then refuse sex.

If your partner of whatever gender (immaterial of your own gender) has stopped being interested in sex then talk it out, try to improve things together by listening to and respecting each other and if it doesn't improve then leave.

It's hell being stuck in a relationship with someone who isn't sexually interested in you. I was for six years I didn't draw the conclusion that all men are frigid and just use women for babies.

In short, don't be a dick. Be a grown up and sort out your relationship respectfully.

Yup, what offred said.

My husband didn't come near me for over 8 months after I had a baby. I didn't realise that gave me carte blanche to go and have an affair or pay for a sex worker Silly me discussing it like an adult and slowly rebuilding that part of out relationship.

Hi op though I have experienced nothing like this I do recall (when my marriage was breaking down) an overwhelming urge to downgrade and minimise my exh behaviour and sort of repackage it to myself into a palatable form. As in blah was ok because it was just blah and not that bad kind of thing.
So sorry you are going through this but no one should have to put up with such shocking disrespect

How can you get an STD from him, if you haven't had sex in 10 years?

And, him refusing to have sex with you for 10 years, is reason enough for you to LTB. Layer on top the prossies and blimey, this twat has GOT TO GO.

Apologies for wading into this thread only now.
I had a similar experience with my (now ex) partner who was using the same service for extra marital affairs. For that reason, I can definitely relate to the feelings that Becky felt. As much as we tried to sweep the indiscretions under the carpet, they were never forgotten about and it very quickly turned to resentment and a lack of trust on both sides.
There were some massively deeply rooted issues within our relationship and the AW was really an effect rather than the cause. In hindsight, the relationship was over years ago, but we kept up the pretence for the sake of family and friends and a comfortable living.

I must admit Becky's reasons for not wanting to split up after 10 years did also ring true. The potential of having to start the whole dating game made the whole idea of leaving a no goer. Your descriptions of your husband however are how people usually describe close friends, not the one person you should be able to trust explicitly to look after you and help you face the world. Although you say that you can move on from this in the same paragraph you're trying very hard to find out more information.It is this constant curiosity which will eat you up inside and continue to throughout this relationship.

It was this realisation that prompted me to leave and I can honestly say that the split wasn't as wrenching as I thought. Feelings of fear and the unknown very quickly turned to relief. My family and friends were wonderful and secretly knew that the day of a split was inevitable.

There are decent, lovely and wonderful people out there who can give you all the love and security that you deserve. You may have already met these sorts of people, but due to a misalighed sense of loyalty to your partner never gave this sort of a relationship a chance...

Why is he off on holidays with his mate? That's the last place my dh would be if I had found out the shit you have found out, even your line, I found out he had gone to a strip club whilst away from me on our weekend mothers day trip, oh no biggy… Really? So instead of making love to his wife he waited for you to go to sleep upset and fecked off for a dirty lap dance and your not really bothered about it? My opinion is your in love with the man you think you know, he has treated you so badly that you think this isn't such a big deal and he can change, he has stopped being intimate with you for 10 years, your wasting your life!