OH been using Adultwork a lot, please help!

[Beckyonthebeach]

Hi. This is a bit of a long story I'm sorry. I'm desperate for some help/advice - I've been with my partner for 16 yrs & we have a great relationship except about 10 yrs ago he stopped being interested in me sexually. This has been extremely difficult to deal with and has seriously affected my self esteem. I'd tried being patient, not being so patient, taking the lead, not taking the lead, basically anything I could think of to fix things. Anyway, a couple of times recently I decided to make the first move and was very quickly rejected. One of the times we were away staying in a lovely hotel as a treat he arranged for me for Mother's Day. I was so upset I decided to go to bed (it was early eve) and refused to go out for our planned food & drinks. He went out alone & didn't come back until early next morning, very much the worse for wear. I've since seen that he spent a substantial amount of money in a lap dancing bar that night.... Ok, I can deal with that, no great shakes. But then I've discovered a bombshell. I've found out he has been registered on Adultwork for years, and has been sending hundreds of messages arranging to meet. Some were 'outcalls', some 'incalls' and a couple of 'car meets'. I've had to learn quite a lot the last couple of weeks and must admit I have been quite devious in that after confronting him, he de activated his account and was just devastated at what he'd done. I secretly reactive tied his account and changed the email address for alerts to mine so I could do some incognito investigating (bad I know but this has been tearing me apart). Anyway, he had deleted all the in messages he'd received, and they can't be retrieved. Unfortunately I had only read through and taken screenshots of a few before confronting him....
Anyway, I'm rambling too much! Things had improved massively between us, but having been betrayed, I decided rightly or wrongly to continue to investigate. He swore he had never been with any of these girls and was just getting a kick out of making arrangements etc. I then found out one had been to my house. He said he panicked when he realised how real it was when she arrived, so he backed out. I've now found messages where he'd arranged car meets, even saying where they'd met last time! They always coincide with when I was around, yet the outcall ones always coincide with when I wasn't here. He also works away a lot and has been arranging meets at the hotel he usually stays at. Now when I've confronted him again about these car meets, he is insisting they're not actually in person meetings, but are webcam sessions, where the girl uses a laptop in her car, and he interacts via webcam from home. I don't believe him. Why would a girl drive somewhere in her car to do a webcam session, it makes no sense? I've googled it to death, and everything I've seen so far only points towards these being meeting (& the rest!) in person.
I've even tried messaging the very girls using his account that I've hijacked asking them, but no joy! I've now set up another account, pretending to be a guy new to this and messaged the same girls asking them if they offer car meets and what it involves, but they are just asking me to call them!
I don't know what to do, I've got no one I can talk to about this. He's away on holiday with some friends at the moment which has given me hours to investigate but I feel like I'm going mad, it's completely taking over my life & every waking hour (which is a lot at the moment as I can't eat or sleep & just counting down the hours when I'm in work to get home and investigate some more)
Can anyone help me at all? Are car meets sometimes via webcam, or am I being bluffed big time? We had such a good relationship apart from this, and I do know how sorry he is and am very confident he won't do it again, but I can't stand the thought I've been lied to. I've been through bank statements in the most meticulous detail, but he has always used large amounts of cash since I've known him, so I can't really pin much down in that way.

I just want to know re the car meets and if he has met a girl in person and god knows what else.
So sorry for the monumentally long post, had to give the background!
Please please help!
Thank you so much in advance

Becky I think it's absolutely clear that this pathetic excuse for a man has been spending the last decade and god knows how much of your money sleeping with prostitutes. I think you need to have an STI check as well as a visit to a SHL. Please kick this cheating louse out and have some more self respect. You cannot honestly think that anything he has told you is the truth and you are worth so much more than this. I know it must be a horrific shock but the way he has treated you is unforgivable.

I used to work in the sex industry and used adultwork. Just for clarification

• car meets are meeting for sex in a car
• if he had failed to attend an outcall/ incall the girl would have reported his account to adultwork as a timewaster and it would have been deactivated. Easy enough to register under another username but obviously there wouldn't be a history of repeated appointments if he hadn't gone through with previous ones.
• a girl wouldn't leave a review of a guy she'd webcammed for - the reviews are written by the girls for the sake of the other girls generally just to confirm a guy is geniune, turns up, pays etc. You wouldn't write a review if they hadn't showed, you'd just report and get their account deactivated.

Sorry, meant to say you wouldn't review a webcam appointment as they pay as they go so no real need.

Becky - you say You can't just give up on an otherwise great long term relationship because of one thing in my mind, everyone deserves the opportunity of a second chance.

This is not a great relationship. He's been rejecting you for years, your self-esteem is shot. You go away for a hotel stay and he doesn't want you, so you (naturally) are so upset you miss out on your nice meal and drinks. He meanwhile goes off to a lap dance club. That is how much he cares. That is how much he values your "great long term relationship". He is demonstrating quite clearly what his feelings are.

Words are cheap. He will say anything to wriggle out of being exposed as the disgusting human that he is; he is not sorry - suddenly - that his sexual encounters are with women who are paid to service his needs. He's sorry you found out.

Tell him to leave. Get yourself some counselling so you can begin to explore why and how you allowed him to dupe you. Believe that you deserve more - don't accept such low standards for yourself.

You should be with someone who wants you, makes you feel strong and capable, tells you the truth, treats you as an equal. Don't settle for less, please.

Wewereneverbeingboring - yes I guess the not being married thing did come from him. I've never really showed how much I wanted this as I didn't want him to ask me because I'd harassed him, I only wanted him to want to marry me, that's very different. Don't judge me, but I've been married twice before (very young) & he hasn't, so I think this changed his views & there seemed little point spending all that money getting married when we were happy (or so I thought!) together. I also kind of liked the fact he was with me through choice, not because he had to cos we were married. More foolish behaviour on my part coming to light I guess.

He is desperately messaging me, telling me how foolish he knows he's been, that I'm the love of his life, he can't believe he's been so stupid & hurt me so desperately, he really wants to be happy with me now, build back the trust & make me as happy as I deserve etc etc

What do I do? Am I truly being stupid even giving him the chance to try?

He sounds delightful. Op-you say that he is on holiday with his friends at the moment. Where has he gone? Thailand? Why did he not have a holiday with you?

There really is no way back from this. He will not stop what he does and you deserve far better.

He's on a stag do in the states, it had been planned for a long time. I'm so torn, I know that sounds stupid but I still am. I know what you're all saying must be true, but can someone really not change? I don't think he had been on AW arranging meets before about Dec, but I do know he was looking at porn etc, which did hurt me as he wasn't interested in me that way, but I thought all guys did that?!?!
He really does seem truly sorry, but I can't trust him if he won't tell me the whole truth. It seems he is only admitting to what he knows I know. There must be more in it like you all say. I need proof though, more conclusive than I have, it's too easy for him to talk me round into it being something else as it stands. If I get the conclusive proof, not just putting 2+2 together, he can't deny it or blag me. I know you all think this is conclusive proof, but it isn't still to me!

Why would you even think of giving him a second chance, especially in light of what a pp said about Adultwork?

He's sorry he's been found out, that's all, please get rid of this nasty little man

If we were talking once OP, that would be one thing. It would be enough for me, but for some it wouldn't be a dealbreaker.

But this man has cheated on you with prostitutes for 10 years. They're his whole sex life.

I've no idea why you think giving him a chance would even work. Let alone why you'd want to.

During that time he could have given you chlamidya unawares and you could be infertile by now. Google the long term consequences of untreated STIs like gonorrhoea and syphilis...

He hasn't given a shit about your self esteem let alone your health.

Why would you even want to be with this man?

Does your skin not crawl at just the thought of what he's been doing? All the time pleased with himself for getting away with it? I'm afraid mine does

Clearly some men look at porn.

ALL men do not look at porn, or have porn habits - that is a big lie told by men who look at porn.

OP - why did he stop having sex with you??? That is the big question and unless you understand that you have no chance of moving forward.

Even the dimmist bloke knows that he has to cover extra-marital activity by not changing things at home too much. Losing weight, new underpants etc of all these old cliche's, the worst is to stop having sex with your DW.

How do I get an STI check? Yep, I really am that naive and don't have the first clue how you go about it. Could I really have caught something without knowing? Even if they'd used condoms?

I need proof though, more conclusive than I have
Seriously Becky, what kind of proof would meet your very very very high threshold? More proof than 10 years of no sex plus all the AW activity evidence?

As for him talking you round, I'd suggest you don't even bother to talk anymore with him about it. Why would you? He will continue to lie to you and then get all pathetic and plead and beg and tell you many more untruths that he thinks you might want to hear.

There is no rule saying you have to talk this out - I would think that it is completely pointless and you don;t need to put yourself through it.

He says he stopped having sex with me as he felt so bad about how he looks. It didn't stop completely btw, but was maybe 2-3 times a year. He also said he prefers mornings and is too tired at night, but I have to get up for work at 5.30am, and that's the last thing on my mind, although I have a couple of times to see if it helped, but no give & take there.

How do I get an STI test please?

google for your local GUM clinic - usually they have a walk in service

www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/972.aspx?CategoryID=68

Someone who worked on adult work has come on here and told you what he has told you is a lie. It's impossible that things have happened as he has told you that they have.

He is lying to you. Bluff him if you want and say you contacted adult work and they've informed you that his account was active and all appointments paid for- see his reaction then. But it's a waste of time IMHO, he is scum. He has paid to rape women. He gets off on financial transactions for sex. That's a deal breaker, surely to God.

Why do you want to stay married/partnered with him, Becky? Because clearly you do, very much. You're asking strangers on the internet to prove that he's been using sex workers, when even the most naïve teenager would conclude that he has, from the evidence given.

If you want to stay with him because you have a good comfortable lifestyle that you enjoy, that's your choice. But make that choice with your eyes open - say to yourself "I am choosing to stay with a man who is addicted to using sex workers and refuses intimacy with me, because I like having a lovely house and a car and going out to dinner." And look yourself in the eye, in the mirror, when you say it.

I don't mean to imply you're a gold digger or anything. Women close their eyes to their husbands' infidelities every day. Because he pays the bills, because he's a good dad, because I won't be able to afford the kids private school without him, etc etc. Or sometimes it's because they have a disability and feel they won't be able to cope without him. Of course, sometimes that "disability" turns out to be a lack of confidence caused by the woman's crappy parents in the first place, then 10-20 years of her husband telling her "You'd never cope with life without me, would you? Lucky I'm around!"

If you want to stay, stay. But don't you dare tell yourself it's because you believe his laughable bullshit. Look yourself in the face and say "I'm okay with him using sex workers."

You have concrete evidence. You have seen bookings, you saw his messages, you know what a car meet is and you know if he hadn't gone through with this, he'd have been kicked off Adultwork.

You need an STI check and to block his number for a while. He is fretting because he is on a stag do and probably concerned that he won't be able to talk you round and lie to you as easily when he's not face-to-face with you. Use this to your advantage.

He has a prostitute habit, he's still lying about it, he obviously doesn't have body issues because he's been going to show it to prostitutes. He's lying through his teeth.

For a laugh, tell him you're arranging a car meet to see what happens on webcam, but with a male prostitute. Or tell him you've met the prostitutes he saw. See what ridiculous lies he comes out with next.

He will hurt you even more if you stay around for it. He didn't fall into a prostitute, he booked one, showed up and had sex with her, and then paid her. And he didn't even regret it then - he carried on, with incalls and outcalls and car meets. He is experienced at this. He was not sorry.

He is not sorry now, either.

Thank you!
And thank you everyone for all your opinions. It's something I do have to work through myself, but all these opinions and advice are so helpful.

Do you know, one of the worst things is I've had so many opportunities yet I've been nothing but loyal. I'm constantly told how beautiful I am, even though I can't believe that myself! I've always made such an effort with my appearance, always made up and dressed nicely, I have an amazing career, earning really good money, I'm kind, honest, intelligent (although most of you are probably debating that one!), and I'm so hard working, but most of all I'm loyal. Is this what you get?!?!????!!!!

Just to clarify too on some of the previous comments, I'm not staying with him coz he pays the bills or anything, I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself. I'm in a highly paid job and even though it doesn't seem it, I am very independent. I brought up 3 children alone for 7 years, 2 of whom are autistic, so I definitely don't need a man for all this. Sadly, it's just because I really love him.