Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

Oh Honey. You need a shit hot lawyer, and quickly. He is not going to make this easy for you.
My advice in the meantime, if possible, is don't engage with him. There will be a lot you will want to say to him, but fight the temptation to get into tit for tat arguments. He is solidly in the wrong here, but he will try and twist things so you are tying yourself in knots trying to prove it.
You don't need to.
I wonder is the car whatjamacallit-community property? Joint assets? Well, not just his anyway. Does anyone know?

Of course you cry. Your life has been turned upside down, and you have been horribly betrayed. It's OK to cry, and feel sad, and to feel angry. Just keep sight of the one step at a time practical things you need to do. Hold on in there.x

God, yes, what a shit stealing from his own daughter!

In principle cars are marital assets so he can't just decide to take it away, he would need to provide a replacement, usually the person who uses it the most keeps it.

However, the monthly payments makes it a little more complicated as it's considered a debt more than an asset.

One for the solicitors to decide/negotiate over, I'm afraid.

I think it's great that you saw Relate, it appears to have been very helpful. I think you need legal advice quickly now.

Go "no contact" - have one email, PAYG or similar for contact over children, and only access it when necessary or ask a friend to monitor it for you.

See a Solicitor, a lot do initial consultations for free, you can see more than one. Find one you feel happy with.
Tell your children (in an age appropriate way) the truth.
Tell people.
Have you seen the doctor yet?

Stop contacting him. Do not allow him in the house (if possible). Do hand overs at the door step - unless he is a danger to the children.

Going back to where you mentioned he is a police officer. You say that he has threatened to call the police on you. I don't know how his mind works but wasting police time surely applies to serving officers making vindictive reports as much as it does to the rest of us...?

Don't let the insinuation he has the force behind him ever put you off placing a call if you feel the need ie he turns nasty and gives you cause to fear for your safety.

So sorry to hear this is happening.

Put it another way, I think he should be more frightened of you calling the police about him than vice versa.

Do you honestly think that everyone in the force is his friend? Would bend rules for him? No way.

"Dubious prostitute habit"??? Wtf! Get yourself checked out at the doctors now! Print off all these texts and use them as proof of his behaviour with your solicitor. Get an appointment today. Get advice on benefits, child tax, working tax, anything you can. Even DLA for your lung problem? Do not let him back into the house at all. Doorstep drop offs only.

Decorate YOUR bedroom, concentrate on you and your girls and try and work your job around this. Your job is your sanity right now.

I promise that in a years time you will be happy, happier than when you were with him.

I have had a lot of contact with the police throughout the years. Some are very stable human beings but there seems to be a sub-culture of infidelity, fueled by the ease (and opportunity) by which they seem to attract women. Frequently they are the abusive type that you refer to here. It is also my experience that in reality they have very little backbone when challenged. Get an appointment with your solicitor and take him on. If he threatens you with the police again then call his bluff and you call them. Believe me, if you are persistent you will beat him. Deep down, emotionally, he is a wimp.

Take your time, recover, and then find yourself a real man. I wish you the best OP.

Had police round today and I got warned not to harass him anymore!
Once i had told them some of the things that have gone on their attitude changed.

This man is definitely not the man I thought I had married.

Brace yourself, lovely. I swear there's a DivorcingMensNet somewhere, where they come up with all this shit.

I got threatened with "I'm going to call the police because you are harassing me" and "I'm going to tell the police that you've damaged my property" (I hadn't even threatened to!). It all came to 'nowt' although it pissed me off at the time.

Thankfully, I'd already been in touch with the police before he started making those threats.

Keep a record of it, I'm thinking of writing the counter-book because it's just so dreadfully common. I wouldn't have believed you, or anyone else, six months ago. I do now.

It sucks. From now on, you rant and rage, you ignore.

'Tis all you can do.

In a funny kind of way, it stops you loving them quicker. I'm sure it's worse if they fuck off and then be nice.

Was the police visit official OP, or did a few of his mates(perhaps those you have never met) see you? If it was official then there will be a record of his complaint and you have a right to officially counter complain. Make sure this is on record as things might get very messy in any divorce proceedings. He may use this visit as evidence of sorts. Show that you mean business and take the lead or you will be pushed around further. If the complaint is not official then seek legal advice because this is illegal and intolerable. Get angry.

Was the police visit official OP, or did a few of his mates(perhaps those you have never met) see you?

I was wondering if he'd pull that stunt. Not a very bright thing to do so early on.

When you say their attitude changed when you clarified things I hope that means they backed off.

Him losing his job and jeopardising his pension would be detrimental to the DCs' future so rather stupid of him if he starts lying about harassment and trying to bully you with his workmates.

I can't get my mind around this today. How does someone you have known for 23 years suddenly report you to the police.

I know he's trying to intimidate me and it has partly worked. Sometimes I feel so angry that I could scream and trash things but I have to stay calm for the girls.

He has made my home my prison. Everywhere I look I see him standing there.

I hate waking up in the morning because the first thought is that I'm on my own. I find it hard to get out of bed - I just want to hide and cry but I have to carry on.

I was so angry after the police thing yesterday but today I'm just hurting physically.

I'am keeping records of everything and I do have support from friends and family but I just feel so lonely.

I know i shouldn't but I keep imagining him with the other woman and them eventually looking after my girls. I know I should take one day at a time but today is the worst day for a while.

I've also got an appointment at the sexual health clinic to get through as well.

whyme the sad thing is that they simply seem to turn into somebody that you no longer recognise, and you wonder if you ever knew them at all. All the years together no long count for anything once they have got somebody else in their head.

It takes a long time to sink in, that you can no longer understand or trust that person.

You need to look after yourself. When is your appointment? Can you take a trusted friend with you or meet somebody for coffee afterwards, just so that you are not on your own?

It really is one day at a time.

Skye is right - it's one day at a time, and in fact in the very early weeks, five minutes at a time.

Please don't do anything that can bite you on the bum further down the line. Self-discipline is the only thing you have to work on right now, the rest can wait. Divorce is a long game - so don't concede anything stupid during the most emotional time.

Yes, the house will feel like a prison for a while. If you can, you might want to re-arrange the furniture and or paint one of the rooms. I realise this isn't always feasible. It does help having your own 'little' secrets he doesn't know about!

I found going for long drives helpful, others painted fences, did manic housework (did that too!) etc just to burn the energy out. Dance to music helps.

23 years is a helluva long time, my love. Wherever you can, try to focus on you, and not rationalising him. But the man you knew and loved has fucked off. You're left with a Twat to divorce.

It's a harsh thing to say, but sadly that's how I feel about mine.

He also trying to bully me by text today regarding taking his car again.
The only thing he's interested in is his precious car.

Doesn't matter what he's put our girls through.

Yep, you're getting the picture. Your needs and those of your children, he needs to go away. He wants you to realise 'that he is the master of the universe, and he deserves to get his own way'.

You can't be bullied if you stand your ground in a calm, neutral way.

Dear Twat,

Until we begin negotiating our divorce, I think it is best that we retain use of the car in order to ensure our children can attend school and necessary appointments.

Yours, wife.

No emotional stuff, no 'you're a twat', no nonsense.

It very clearly makes them emotional, shitty twat of a person, but you know that, don't you. Let them look like the twats they are. Let them get the rage.

Golden rule of NC! You behave impeccibly - they behave like twats.

Just thought I'd add a quick note. Skye and I shared our experiences at the same time some 2.5 years ago and have both survived!

I was married for 12 years when my loving husband turned into the idiot he became. Your husband is just using all the tricks at all absent idiots use. Police - tick, I had that one. Cant change the locks - tick, had that one too...but it will get better.

A solicitor is what is needed here and pretty damn quick too. They will put you at ease regarding your rights in connection with property and what you should do regarding the children.

All I can say is don't change anything for your girls. Keep their afterschool clubs.....he managed a relationship with them previously with the same clubs so why isn't it possible now? These are all excuses to keep you where he wants you. Do not comply.

You are a strong woman...you are loved by your children, family and friends...and they cant be wrong! x

"How does someone you have known for 23 years suddenly report you to the police."

Because he's always been a bully. It might not have been so apparent if things were going his way in the past but I expect, if you think back, there may be some episodes that you now see in a different light. You're challenging his authority and he doesn't like it. That will not be new

I have been following your thread and have to agree. I have 2 close friends going through an divorce right now - 1 his decision and OW the other hers and no one else involved - but in both cases the STBexes behaviour has fallen into the "twat" category over and over.

Keep your dignity, stay strong, you are doing brilliantly so far depsite the odd bad day which is to be expected.

Stay strong lovely xx He is an utter shit!

Please report him, as a police officer his actions will be scrutinised and it is not acceptable for anyone, but especially a police officer to act that way (and I'm speaking as an experience police officer).

Keep all the texts he sends, and try and do any communication through text or email so you've got a written copy of it.

So sorry you're going through this.

OP, keep up the contact with MN. There are so many here who can provide you with good advice. Your husband seems to have a particularly nasty side.

Finally told him to stop texting me and ringing me. I will only accept contact through 1 email address or my solicitor.

He has texted my eldest daughter and told her he wouldn't see her today because mummy had told him he couldn't. What a prat. She still hates me. I've tried to explain things age appropriate to her but he's told her too much for her to believe anything I say.

I just know the next thing he's going to do is either stop paying the bills or remove money from our account. I can see it coming.

A friend keeps advising me to try mediation but has anyone else tried that?