Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

Went to a womens walk in centre today - saw a solicitor and a Womens aid lady.

The solicitor gave me slightly different advice from the solicitor I'm paying for so now a little confused.

The lady from Womens aid was very helpful and it would appear that I've been in a controlling relationship with a dose of mental abuse thrown in and I didn't even realise it. I thought everybody acted like that. I've been referred to another womens group as well so going there tomorrow.

I've also been told that he is a bad father and I'm a good person so I have to keep thinking that.

I've also been told that he cannot demand to see the children when he wants. We can start with him having both for two hours then gradually build up to a day. Plus I can say no to overnight stays at the moment.

But even though I've been told what my husband has done is unforgivable part of me just wants to rewind back to April when things were fine. i know I can't but I'm finding it so hard to cope with the fact that he is happy snuggled up to this woman somewhere. And I know it's stupid after what he's said and done but sometimes it feels so so lonely.

Also went started trying to create a rough budget and scared myself silly.

But did sort out my girls savings accounts and moved the money away from where he can get it again so that was a plus.

Well done whyMe. What was the conflicting advice?

They are right he is not a good father, do not encourage contact with him.

You could try the CAB they are very good and will advise you on any benefit entitlements.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal and do remember that abusive men can be additive so it's head versus heart at the moment and you must keep following your head. This feeling will gradually get easier over time. Trust me he will not feel the same level of happiness in some sordid affair as he did with you, one day he may admit that but I hope by then you will have well and truly moved on.

Well my solicitor said we couldn't state adultery at the reason for the divorce it would be unreasonable behaviour. However the other solicitor said we could. Plus this one said that I could refused him access to the girls for overnight stays due to his dubious behaviour.

Or it could have been just me interpreting what the solicitors are saying. I've had so much information my head is going to explode.

He tried to manipulate my daughter again by ringing her and talking about financial stuff. He's going to buy he a computer for her birthday but I wont to able to afford much.

Not sure if I've already said on here that he also filed a domestic violence report against me (not just the harassment one). So this solicitor said that I could tell him to stay away from the house and pick up from the kerb only.
To keep contact to public places only.

I feel so ashamed when I have to repeat my story to people. It's like I've failed.

How have you failed???

He's a shit of the highest order, he's projecting all of his bad qualities and because your so used to agreeing with him (mental abuse) your feeling guilty.

If you're guilty of anything which you aren't it's trusting a man whose turned out to be completely untrustworthy

Some good advice from Random. You really must get some serious legal advice OP (I am aware that you have contacted a solicitor) about his domestic violence/harassment claims. He seems to be going for the higher ground in respect to separation/divorce. Get advice as to whether you should see his superiors (well above him) to expose him as he truly is. Gather your evidence. You could see them with a friend. As I said earlier there are some police who think they are untouchable, but they are not. They are weak specimens who invariably disgust other members of the force.

He came to take the children to school this morning. Following the legal advice from yesterday I had already informed him that he had to pick up from the kerb but he knocked at the door and he told me I could shut him out of his own home. It's not his home anymore as he walked out. I told him to get back in the car and wait.

He is just so cock sure of himself. He still thinks he can order me around.

It did make me feel very vulnerable and upset.

My little girl got upset and didn't want to go with him. I told him that this is what he had done to our family and he couldn't care less.

He then went to the car and said that he was trying to be reasonable and it was me that was pushing this into the hands of solicitors.

I said that the only reason it has come to this was that he had filed police reports against me.

I could see that my eldest daughter was upset as they drove away. At this precise moment I hate him.

Sorry spelling mistake - should have been....and "he told me that I couldn't shut him out of his own home."

He doesn't seem to think that he has done anything wrong. He told me it was me arguing in front of the kids. He seems to think I'm the bad one and my eldest daughter agrees. He twists everything.

He's very cold and calculated.

The hatred in his face when he looks at me (if he can bear it) is so clear. He thinks he is in control all the time. I wish he would just leave us alone.

I'm sure he only asked to take the kids to school just to get at me.

He's had three days off work this week and he hasn't bothered to see them then. So a five min drive to school is all he can manage.

He just f's with my mind and leaves and I feel I'm back to square one.

I repeat. Get some serious legal advice as to what you can and cannot do and for goodness sake log everything he does and says, noting the names of witnesses if any are around.

You are not at square one as you are feeling very angry and this is a good start. He is a bully and they are weak. Remember that OP. Like all bullies he is intimidating you, so feel your anger and fight back. Do it quietly and with conviction. He is not in control of himself, as he is getting angry. This is proof of his vulnerability.

Your first solicitor sounds shit tbh, I think you need to find a better one sharpish (and don't let the fact he is a police officer make you scared of his cronies, there are also many police women and they dislike this sort of shitty behavior immensely, you need to officially challenge it when he starts his false reports)

I don't think it is in the DC's best interests for him to spend just 5 minutes with them on the way to school. That could disrupt them for the whole day. You need to establish a clear pattern of contact and if he works shifts, then obviously it will have to work around that, but his shifts will be known in advance so you can still plan access around that. He needs to do that and to stick to it.

Regarding divorce, you can file for adultery if you have actual proof that they had sex together, texts or emails discussing it. Failing that UB is the way to go for a quick divorce.

If he has filed things against you regarding DV, then contact between you and him should be minimal. He has brought that on himself. Can you tell us more about that report and why he filed it? Obviously he has knowledge on his side that a lot don't, so was it filed just because he knows the system, or did something serious happen? Don't say if you don't want to, but it may help people on here to advise you if they know what happened.

Don't be bullied by him just because of his job. Run his income through the Child Maintenance Options calculator and if it comes out at more than £850 get the CSA onto him.

Most divorces get a solicitor involved. It is only the very truly amicable ones that can DIY divorce. You both need legal advice to find out your rights and you both need to act on what you are told. obviously that advice then conflicts as you are each fighting for what you think you are entitled to. but if you have the DC you should get a bigger share of the house etc.

Have minimal contact with him, and don't let him intimidate you

It is better to divorce for unreasonable behaviour which can include adultery as part of the behaviour because it is very difficult to prove an adultery petition if he denies it. It makes not a jot of difference to the divorce settlement so unreasonable behaviour is the safer option.

You can stop him having contact with the DCs and then he would have to take you to court for it. That may not be a bad thing as you would then have a court order which he would have to abide by but I don't know if the court would stop him seeing them on the basis of him seeing prostitutes or even if you could prove that. Do take legal advice on this and hopefully someone on here with more experience of the family courts may have a better idea.

From my experience, solicitors who work for charities are a bit more optimistic of your chances in court than family law solicitors.

Try to keep your conversations with him as brief and unemotional as possible and I do know how hard that it when you are in the early stages of discovering his cheating. If he has accused you of DV then that is a good reason for you to insist on meeting for handovers in a public place.

Hello WhyMe,

I'd go with Women's Aid advice and the advice of the solicitor's you feel most comfortable with - remember they are there to work for you and in your best interests. You want someone who is firm with you and your responsibilities (trust me, I'd have done a few foolish things if my solicitor wasn't quite strict) but also can manage the other side's shitty behaviour. Despite me calling her 'SHL' on here, you'd be amazed at how lovely and soft her initial emails were to STBXH (an utter arse). Rest assured, now they are brutal.

Most solicitor's do try to calm things down and get everyone to the negotiating table quickly. Some don't. Depends on how deep your pockets are! Divorce is about division of the assets and arrangements for the children. Shit behaviour doesn't come into it in most cases.

So, from now on when you deal with him, you are allowed to say 'this is how things are going to work'. You can't prevent contact, but you can decide whether or not he does the school run. If the kids like it, and it saves you money - it's okay. If it's an opportunity for him to abuse you in front of the children - it's not okay.

Managing your emotions in his presence is the hardest thing in the world to do at the moment. But you have to be utterly 'cold and calculated'. Then come here and have a good cry. We all do very much understand your situation.

And you can cry as much as you need to - because you're in charge now!

My wife has left me,also saying she does not love me anymore. She told our boys, 3 and 5, and has moved to a flat. She has made all the decisions concerning how we proceed forward and who gets what. The only thing here is that she has suffered depression since the birth of our second son 3-1/2 years ago. She tells me I blame everything on her depression and am unsupportive. I obviously do not want her to stay at home and be depressed but can not be sure I am the root cause in all of this. Many of you will think she has someone else. That may be true but she denies it and is unmotivated sexually anyway.
The odd thing though is that she only wants the boys 2-1/2 days a week. This fits with her work but could a straight thinking mother really want this? She also wants it written into the divorce so it can not be changed!
My question is am I blaming her depression or is she being ruled by it and will later regret her actions?
I also do not know what she has told her friends and family as they are shunning me, so can only assume she is blackening my name.
Would love any female input from someone who has suffered PND in the past.

donsclothes all good questions, but I think you need to copy and paste what you just wrote, and start your own thread (in relationships obvs) and you will hopefully get some resolution there.

He's now decided to hand the keys back on his Audi sports car and he's given me notice that I will need to purchase a car.

Now let me see....he traded in the family car for the said sports car that was not suitable, (he actually sent be a picture of it after he'd bought it). And now he's going to hand it back and lose thousands. Is he some kind on idiot!

Plus I do not have enough money available to purchase a car let alone tax and insure it.

His last comment on his email was..."I'm hoping this can be done without the need for solicitors, but I fear it may come to that".

Yep, his last comment confirms the man is a wanker of the highest order.

He's also told me that there are approximately and extra £225 of various direct debits that he thinks I'm liable for!

I'll run and get my hat and white rabbit. As I will need all the bloody help I can get because he thinks he can give me the bear minimum in money.

All he thinks about is getting his leg over and sod the consequences.

Your husband and mine could be twins.
Mine the typically angry short arsed little twat who could physically overpower me in an instant and would have loved to and many times came close to.

I cried. I wept rivers. I got angry and I got even.

I used my intellect to outwit him once I had the truth and I had wised up. Mumsnet wasn't around then but I had good friends.

I once had the occasion to ring up his girlfriends ex husbands, won't go into boring details but he said to me
Get rid, the man's a twat.
Wise words.

Oh what came out of the woodwork when people knew we had split up. He'd been at it for years and I had been pitied. Not only that he'd been with prostitutes as well....he's a thoroughly nasty piece of work..

Especially when not getting his own way .

I just played him at his own game.

He knew he'd been shafted at the end when in court and I walked out with most of the assets.

I asked around and I got the best solicitor ....out of my area.

He will have known he was on to a hiding when I just didn't use someone local.

She wasn't known as the Rottweiler for nothing.

Also found out that he has cancelled some direct debits and not informed that service/policy providers so it will look like we are defaulting on stuff.

Couldn't sleep last night so waited for my wages to show up in joint account and moved them straight into my new one. Sod him - let him ask me for money!

He's doesn't care about anything. Last night after the girls had seen him for 5 mins on the school run they both couldn't sleep and ended up in my room. My eldest said that the house doesn't feel like home anymore.

He's such a c*. Apologies don't normally use this word but my god does it fit this time.

God, all so horrifying familiar again.

WhyMe2014 - until you get the divorce thing going there is nothing to stop him being horribly abusive - he's verbally abusive to you, he's financially abusive to you and emotionally abusive.

I can 'see' that now, but I couldn't 'see' that in my own situation until very, very recently.

You're doing okay all things considered. Being starved of cash in divorce is very, very common - and it's terrifying. But you've got to get him to the negotiating table and quickly in order to stop his behaviour, get yours, and those of the children's needs met. It's a very long slow process, but you will get there.

I feel for you, I really do.

If you don't feel strong enough to do it yourself (I know I didn't) then rely on your solicitor.

Take care of yourself, I promise you this does get better.

I can't help with the legal stuff whyme, but I can tell you that, in my opinion, you need to start thinking of yourself as a single parent, and start finding out about what you may be entitled to RE tax credits/ single person council tax discount etc.
The sooner you can extricate your financial affairs from his, the better.
Get some advice, ring tax credits and tell them the situation, see if you can get your income topped up. The don't take child maintenance into account (I don't think) so it's a separate source of money.
Settle on a lawyer and get started on divorcing him, dividing the assets, making the childcare arrangements official, rather than ad hoc opportunities for him to abuse and manipulate you.
Disengage with this idiot. Do only practical, positive things that get you one step closer to a) removing him from your life and b) sorting out assets and childcare. Anything else, any emails from him, any texts, or phone calls or doorstep arguments, try to keep to an absolute minumum, preferably cut all that out altogether.
You can do this, just don't get distracted, or flustered, because that's what STBX wants.
Personally I want to read updates from you about how you are taking the little shitweasel to the cleaners and back, but that's just me being vindictive!

And FGS, get onto Payroll at work and get your wages paid directly into your new account!

Sorry about your babies being upset. But he did that, not you, so you have nothing to feel bad about. Lots of cuddles and the stability that you can give them, and they will be OK. One more reason to get going with the legal stuff though.x

Now eldest girl will won't sleep in her bedroom. We're all camping down in mine. She puts on a front with people but I know she's devastated. She won't tell her dad the truth - but to be honest he wouldn't care anyway.

He can only think with his d*.

Sometimes I wish he would just leave us all alone. If he wants out then p** off then.

He keeps telling me his phone doesn't pick up emails anymore so he's started texting again. V.frustrating.

He told me his wages were now going into a new account but I should leave mine in the joint account - like that's going to happen! Why would i leave my money open so that he can remove it.

He's still trying to control me - telling me what to do.

Had a few tears this morning but hatred building now.