Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

Went through budget again and very concerned that we will be on the breadline.

Thinking of things to sell.

How can someone you've trusted all these years leave you in dire straits with two kids to support.

Plus if he moves in with the OW they be living on a joint salary so far better off than his own kids. Hope they both rot in hell.

I have no idea at all whyme - but it's the same story up and down the country.

It's truly awful. I'm on my knees with gratitude today because a cheque came through for a debt I'm owed form last year and I can pay my legal fees this month - not all of it, but most of it. I don't have to put it in the client account at SHL firm (where I have a lot of money, none of which I can spend).

STBXH moved a six figure sum out of the country in July.

That's how stark things are for me - I would never have believed it until I have experienced first hand.

You need a solicitor now I'm afraid - it's going to take at least six months to get financial security for you and the kids so the sooner you crack on, the sooner you'll get out of this hell.

I'm too selling things like mad on ebay - but make sure they are less than £500 pounds. Little tip for you there.

And I just know exactly how you're feeling. I really, really do. You're not going mad, you've done nothing wrong, I believe you.

One good thing about him being in the police is that you will be entitled to a slice of his good pension. Make sure you claim that as it's worth a lot in the future, as you say he'll be ok living with another person but you will probably find things tight while the girls are growing up and won't have a chance to build up such a nest egg. What has he cancelled payment of? Can't see the courts being particularly impressed with that tbh if it's household expenses for the children. Have you sorted out tax credit claim etc, you may be entitled to help with childcare so you can carry on doing your days in London as well.

Thanks for all the support girls. Why are men such wankers.
Feels like my financial situation has gone back to when I started work.

Trying to get insurance quote on small car and discovered that my husband had previously transferred my No Claims Bonus into his name. Didn't think this was possible but it appears that you can do it.

So even my insurance is buggered.

Should go to bed but still can't sleep. Feels like my whole life is tied up with this. I bet he's not sitting worrying about how we are so why is he in my head all the time. It's like I'm being haunted.

I try to stay out all day just so that I don't have to face memories at home. House is a complete mess, washing, ironing etc - god I'm turning into a slob.

Had to go to both kids schools again today just to update them. Was told that my story wasn't the worst they had heard but it is humiliating each time I have to add bits to it. It's like I'm living a soap opera.

Currently doing kids washing now at 11.25pm.

Hello again,

Me, the ever practical one back to annoy you with my advice and tell you a few things.

Firstly, I shall unreasonably demand that you stop beating yourself up.

There are no 'housework' police going to be inspecting your home during this difficult time. The fact that you don't want to be there is completely understandable, and not the act of a mad woman. You are getting over having been very ill for quite some time, and also having your heartbroken. Don't allow anyone let you think you should just pop out of this like a Jack-in-the-box. Your name's not Jack, and you don't live in a box.

Secondly, your whole life is tied up with this! You are trying to reconcile the past, with the present and with the future. At the same time, you're trying to parent two children single-handedly, and get everything sorted out. You've got financial strains as well. Nobody wants to be in your position now, so just because you think everyone else has got it easier than you and you're right - they have. So stop beating yourself up! It's a lot to contend with.

So, you are allowed to fall apart for a bit and when you feel ready to deal with it, you deal with it. They checked out of the marriage months ago, so they've already learnt to, but I bet you experienced every moment of his 'moods' as he was weighing up the decision, no?

You have nothing to feel humiliated about. They lied, they deceived, they misled you. It just proves you are a trusting human being who believes in the best of others. You 'see' the world they way you 'see' yourself. They have done this, and made it so much harder than it needs to be. Their decision, their actions. Your consequences.

It is like living in a very bad soap opera. So cry your heart out and don't be ashamed to. It will get easier, I promise.

And yes, he is a cunt.

Thanks for your insight

• you're right I won't be judged on the housework , well not now anyway - it was never good enough for him. He bought a hoover that was so heavy I could even lift it but I was still expected to use it.

• Plus I do have a lot to contend with so will try to break it down into little bits

And he did check out months ago - when I look back I can see things he said or did that we're nice. Even while I was in hospital I remember my eldest daughter tell her dad off for being nasty to mummy (and I was in bed with oxygen tubes everywhere). His moods also got worse from mid July which is when he met the OW. He would try to start an argument then say "so what do you want to do" as if he was goading me to tell him to get out.

I was a loyal wife and he betrayed me then tried to destroy me with reporting me to the police etc. He couldn't have chosen a worse time to leave us - just when we needed his support the most.

He even ruined the girls first days at school. He seems to think he's a good father but apart from seeing the girls for 5 mins on the school run this week he has no plans to see them again yet. Probably shacked up with his tart. However I would prefer he didn't come anywhere near us anyway.

You're not going to thank me for saying this, but it's really, really common for husbands to move out when their wives get sick.

When they promised: " in sickness and in health", they never believed for a minute that would happen to them.

The fact that it happened to YOU, is what they can't deal with. How very dare you? I mean, how very dare you do this to them.

As if you had a choice!

Your husband is very 'me-centric' isn't he?

Can I ask, if you're someone who likes reading, to read 'Detach and Survive' and also 'Runaway Husbands'. I was never one for so called 'self-help' books before, but it will help you understand your feelings and help you accept how to look after you. I found both of them quite good at learning to accept I had to look after me now. After all, he'd fucked off.

I'm nearly 5 months since abandonment - and now I can see just how abusive my husband was. I was still devastated about him leaving (still have some sad days) but a good counsellor, a shit divorce and a lot of built up anger is getting me over him.

But I promise you, I'm not the wreck I was for the first three months. I'm doing okay all things considered and so are you. Take care.

OP, not all men are like your husband. There are some who would be there for you whenever they are needed. Yours isnt one of these and clearly has major personal problems. Unfortunately it sounds like he would find it almost impossible to ever admit to this. He is up his own arse`. If you look back honestly there were would always be signs of this selfish behaviour. Selfish, as he cannot properly give to others because of his own malaise.

You will get revenge (if you want it). Karma will see to that. He is taking himself into another relationship as the person he always was and will have similar (or totally opposite) problems. Whatever, you are the so-called problem in his current marriage and he will continue to treat you badly. After all, he has to have a reason for leaving the relationship with you. It cant be he who is the problem. When his current relationship goes tits up, please dont be tempted to reconnect because unless he changes dramatically (counselling/falls on his head etc) he will do the same again.

Your future must be to protect yourself and DC. You must fight him legally. Don`t let him walk over you. I know this is hard because you are hurting so badly. Unless you are only attracted to these sort of men then you can look forward to a lovely relationship with a man at some point in the future. MN has plenty of posters who now have this.

Keep on in there and keep your pecker up. We are rooting for you!

Just a tip. Write a list of things you need to do and prioritise. Then start to work through this list. Not only will you get jobs done but you will start to take back control of your life again.

Your right my husband was always wrapped up in himself. He always came first. Silly things like when we had a take away he would take his and start to eat first and I would sort the kids out.

Last year on holiday he let my daughter walk back to our room from the swimming pool on her own in her bathrobe because he had decided to have a sauna! I was furious but he couldn't see the problem. He hadn't even wanted to take the children swimming in the first place even though it was a family holiday.

In Disneyland he would stand apart from us while the children had photographs with the characters. So no family photos.

I was really ill for months after the birth of my last daughter and he still went on his golf holiday.

Last summer he decided to volunteer to work away in Scotland for the whole summer so he didn't see his kids and unfortunately I broke my foot so I was in plaster coping with two kids over the summer holidays. He had the option to come home but didn't.

He also used to call me a "shit magnet". If things happened they would happen to me. He also told me I needed a boob job. When I think back there were lots of subtle things that hurt.

He would sleep on the sofa sometimes especially in July and August (I suppose he was ringing/texting her). When I said something he would say that it was his house he could sleep anywhere he liked.

In July if he took my daughter to school he would go for coffee so sometimes I would say I'll come with you but he would be out of the house before I was even down the stairs. It would appear now that he was ringing/texting the other woman on the school run.

He used to tell me that on his 'rest days' they should be rest days and he should not have to do things round the house or with the children!

One of the laughable things he told me as a reason for him leaving me was that when he got in after a long day shift I would be watching Coronation Street on sky plus. My god! Perhaps I can sue ITV.

Plus I like reading but I never saw a book in his hands - he would never even read to the kids at bedtime. So I will get the books - I'll take any help I can get.

I used to believe in fate - what goes around comes around but I don't think I deserve 2014.

No. But it does sound like you deserve to be well rid of him.

I try to convince myself that I'm well rid off him but all I can see in my head is his smug face wrapped round hers. And my children upset because of his selfishness.

Just bought both books so try to be proactive with every step.

Sometimes I also find myself defending the way he acted in my head. Perhaps it was normal, perhaps it was me, perhaps I didn't treat him right, I know I shouldn't but sometimes these thoughts just creep back in. Then the crying, and wretchedness starts all over again.

It's still very early days, love. It really needs to be worked through one day at a time so don't be hard on yourself, it was his decision, not yours, to do this. You couldn't have prevented it.

No I don't think I deserve 2014 either, but it's getting better one step at a time.

But do cry your heart now - the tears do stop eventually but you want to get them all out now. Then you'll be the fabulous woman you used to be again and he'll be missing out.

OP, you cannot change his behaviour, but you can (and are doing so) change yours. You are doing well as you are now seeing how badly he is (and in the past) treating you and you are not prepared to accept this. Cry, feel wretched and so on, it is all part of the healing process. Especially be angry. Do not try and suppress what is healthy. What you are going through is immensely painful, perhaps as painful as anything else we might suffer, but you will get through it and you will ultimately prosper.

Yes he does sound the smug sort, but it`s all part of his problem. Read and find out about yourself. If you can afford it try some counselling. It will probably be the best money you will ever spend.

Keep on posting.

One of the laughable things he told me as a reason for him leaving me was that when he got in after a long day shift I would be watching Coronation Street on sky plus. My god! Perhaps I can sue ITV.

That actually did make me laugh out loud. Not just his reasoning (or lack of) but your joke.
You are a bright, funny woman. Clearly this arsehole has done his best to squash that, but he hasn't succeeded.
All the things you listed about your Ex paint him to be a totally selfish character, and, actually, a pretty shit Dad.
You must feel utterly bereft and rejected, but you have been rejected by a dickhead. He is not worthy of you. I really mean that.
Try and feel sorry for the new woman in Cockwombles life. It won't be long before he is belittling her, and telling her she needs surgery FFS.
So.
Get the lawyer sorted, PLEASE find out about tax credits and stuff, just to try and remove the immediate money worry, but also paint your bedroom a coulour you love. Let the girls paint a crazy mural on their bedroom wall. (I dont know why but I have the feeling Twatto would hate that..)
Get some great books and read to your hearts content (letting the ironing pile up).
You don't have to answer to anyone anymore but yourself. Try and feel that freedom.
I reckon a year from now, when you are sorted and happy, you won't even recognise yourself, and you will realise just how much damage Wankbadger did before he did you the favour of leaving you. x

My god he's even invading my dreams. Don't sleep much but when I did last night all I had in my head was him.

We were cuddling then the other woman was pulling him away and I was powerless to stop it. Woke up crying.

I hate waking up in the morning because you don't seem to register that he's gone but when you're fully awake the horror hits you straight in the face. Sometimes I feel paralysed - like my whole body is in shock.

Your right about the murals - he would hate them - plus he appeared to have OCD where toys were concerned. He 'accidently' put toys in the rubbish bin that he didn't like or were in the way.

My daughter was asking what car we're going to get - I was so tempted to say that daddy was handing the car back and leaving us with nothing. One min he's trying to get me to accept an old Ford ka as a family car (instead of the Audi) and the next he's telling me that I've got to supply my own. I shall also magic that out of a bloody hat along with a birthday party for my eldest next month.

Just can't get motivated today. Children gone out with sister. Should get dressed really but still sitting here in nightie.

Mind still playing tricks on me - sometimes I even think I hear his voice. Am I going mad?

Tried to start a list of questions for meeting with solicitor but my mind can't even get that straight.

Feel like I've had all the energy drained out of me. I feel flattened. Like I'm in my own sad world. One min crying the next min numb. And sometimes the pain in so physical it feels like I'm going to break.

Youre still in shock whyMe, and you may feel like this for some time yet. There will be moments when you think you have grown out of it and then back you go down again. Its all part of the rhythm of recovery. You will get there. Such stress does drain energy so again this is normal.

Best of luck with your solicitor and go for whatever you and yours deserve. Hopefully you will get a good one. Your arrogant husband will probably assume that you will be a walkover, and may act aggressively for a while when he doesn`t get the settlement that he wants. Keep calm and show him what you can do. You owe him nothing, he owes you a great deal.

Now doesnt that police pension look tempting? He will bargain enormously to protect it, just wait and see! Its just one of his Achilles heels.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. He really is a cunt

Something that may be useful to know for you is that as far as I know as he's in the police if he doesn't pay the csa money, he will get in trouble at work
Any bobby's here that could. Infirm that?

Finally got my 'to do' list for tomorrow and a list of questions for my solicitor.

Also found paperwork that he has probably forgot about so copied that as well.

Finding going through files quite hard because you start to see how normal life was and how unhinged it is becoming because of him and his tart.

How does a woman set her sights on someone that she knows is married with two children. I know it takes two and obviously I do blame him but I could never be part of breaking up a family.

I can honestly say that I've never thought of having a 'fling' in all the time I was with him. I'm not saying that I haven't admired a nice body on holiday but I would never dream of cheating on someone. How does it happen? What makes a man suddenly decide to take a chance with someone he hardly knows over his wife and family?

I know that she is younger than me (36) and I know her name and that she has a little boy. I even know the town they live in. I'm 45 and had two children so my body is not what is used to be but neither is his - so why does she want my average husband?

Yes, I remember the dreams - they were horrendous! I don't have them any more, so yes, they even control your sleep in the early months

I don't think I slept more than four hours at a time for four months!

You are not going mad. We all stand around asking that question, but we're not going mad, they are doing their damnedest to drive us insane, 'tis all.

I don't think I've recommended it on your thread (just absolutely everyone else's) but there's a book called 'Family Law Made Simple' by Gordon & Slater which has a ton of information on what questions to ask your solicitor, and what to take with you, at your first appointment.

Save you a job there, so you can stay hanging around in your nighty, scattering toys of you and your DD's choosing galore!

I know you feel like you're going to break. You won't, but it's just going to be a while before you heal. So stop beating yourself up!

Thanks for the support. I'll get the book as you have suggested. I keep looking at different divorce websites and it's information overload.

Part of me doesn't even want a divorce - how did I get here so quickly.

But I know he's not my friend anymore and that he will do anything to twist things so I have no choice but to go further.

We had a bottle of champagne engraved with our wedding date on - may smash that today. Would like to smash it over his f head.

He's got another 3 days off this week and no contact regarding seeing the children so he doesn't careless. Probably off shagging the tart!

Nah. Drink the bottle with a good friend and toast to a better future. It's shit he doesn't want to see the kids. Poor them. I bet he makes out to everyone that he loves his kids more than Peter Andre too. Good luck with the solicitor, and if you don't like them, get a different one. X

Well guess that he's done now?

He's cancelled all the direct debits for the household bills. He just texted me and said I should set them all up again. What a wanker.

He won't answer any questions regarding the direct debits for his gym etc that add up to £255 ish. So he thinks I'm liable.

He also said he's taking the Audi of the 16th so that he can wash it before it goes back on the 24th! Twat.

I feel hatred towards him at this precise moment. I feel like he's bullying me.

It feels like he is bullying you because thats exactly what he is doing. It sounds like he always has done. Get in touch with your solicitor and encourage her/him to get going on this case. Dont ever forget his pension as this is a very strong bargaining tool. Don`t lose your anger, fight him. You may not be used to being assertive, but now is the time to learn. You will come out of this a much much stronger happier person, just wait and see and without a dickhead of a husband. Remember he is weak.

Can you cancel the direct debit for the gym? Why be liable for something you don't use?