Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

I think now is the time for a rottweiler solicitor, and shoring up your financial protection. Maybe Mediation at a later date, wrt child contact. I am so angry on your behalf. I think you are doing great, but now need to be pro active, rather than reactive. Don't sit and wait to see what he does next. Your move, make it a decisive one, and show no fear.
Cheering you on here. And don't worry about dd. She will realise the truth in time, all you can do is grit your teeth and do what you need to do. X

You need to get an account in your own name and get any CB and WTC paid into it. You need to sort out the finances quick. My XH said he would continue to pay in £250 a week as he always had, that lasted a month before reality hit him.

Don't expect him to be reasonable about anything. My XH walked out then complained when I asked him to sign a form to take him off the bank account, and to give his key back. He didn't even understand why I wanted a divorce.

They cheat, they leave, but they dont want to face up to the aftermathof it all or deal with it.

As far as DD is concerned, tell her that you have not stopped her seeing her dad and to contact him if she wants to see him.

Is your friend recommending 'counselling' or 'mediation'. Organisations like Relate do splitting up counselling/mediation to help every try to find 'new' norms quickly - it's a form of agree how best to make arrangements for the children and money.

Generally, in abusive situations, it's not a great way forward because, well, it's just more of the same.

Mediation (or MIAMs) is part of the divorce process. It is considered a cheaper option than divorce, and compulsory for most people, if they have to resort to litigation to end the divorce. It very acrimonious divorces, it's a complete waste of time - and there are some 'get out' clauses which are worth studying...

"I just know the next thing he's going to do is either stop paying the bills or remove money from our account. I can see it coming"

And that's when you have no option but to take him to court on an 'ex-parte order' forcing him to pay you SM (if he can afford it), however, you can't do this, until one of you has petitioned for divorce! Can you get down the CAB and see if there's anything you're entitled to and not claimed yet.

I know it's tough times, and I suppose another 'gem' of my experience that I wish I could have taught myself: Is not to get your mind running away with things he might do, but just deal with things he actually does do. Focus on finding solutions, rather than worrying about potential problems.

.

Someone wrote on Relationships, the more you cry in the beginning, the better the healing process. You need to go through the grief to be able to get over it.

Sorry H has now stooped to trying to brainwash DD1.

I seem to remember your ex telling you matter of factly how he'd sold the wedding ring you'd given him to buy something for OW, redtulip? Another prince among men.

skye is clued up on finances, she's been through it. Definitely open your own account. I'd consider taking half of what's in the joint account because you have the DCs with you.

Money in joint accounts is normally split on an equal basis regardless of who paid in what, but the last thing you want is for H to empty or close it. Talk to the bank or building society, say you have separated, ask advice. You may end up fixing it so that only with the agreement of you both can any major changes happen.

Do you have joint credit cards, any charges he runs up on it will still be partly your responsibility while the cards are also in both names.

If he ever rings you and gets shouty tell him calmly, you are of course now recording the conversation if he wants to continue as he is.

I would consider contacting the professional standards dept of his police force and speak to them about your concerns and his threats and behaviour. They may then have words with him. Also get a shl quickly.

You are so right. My mind is running away with 'what ifs'.

Got email from him today requesting that he wants to pick the girls up on 8th October then have them overnight at his mum n dads (while they're on holiday) and drop them off on the 9th after tea. Both school days.

Firstly my girls have never stayed at that house and my youngest is so upset at night she currently sleeps in my bed with the light on and wets the bed. She's so clingy and she cries every time I drop her at school. I'm her stability at the moment and I don't think staying with him will be a good idea.

Plus my mind is screaming at me...you don't know him anymore, he's slept around with all sorts - do I really want my children staying the night. No I don't.

I know all the separation booklets say that you have to think of the children first but Iam and my little one will be upset. My eldest one has clubs and he thinks she can just cancel these to see him. I want her to continue her routine not drop things just for him.

8th of October is a while again, 2.5 weeks, no?

I'm tempted to tell you, given your concerns, to write a 'holding' email, which neither says 'yes' nor 'no'.

Dear Twat (use real name obvs).

I can see where you're coming from with your idea, but I would like the children to lead on this. I'm a bit concerned about our youngest as she has started wetting the bed, refusing to sleep in her own bed, and she's very clingy at the moment.

Ideally, I see EOW plus one school night per week as a workable solution in the longer term. I think given the sudden change for them, I ask you to agree that we work up to that as gradually/rapidly as the children need/can manage.

Can I suggest that you do 'day visits' on a weekend day until she adjusts to the changes in our situation? And we build from there, and then let's see where we are in a couple of weeks?

[Wife who thinks you're a knob of the highest order] Your actual name.

An email to that effect is a) trying to explain that his behaviour has caused some difficulties, but b) put in a way that doesn't express your anger about it.

Then come here and call him a cunt, and we will all agree with you!

An email that is all about the children, reminds him to put the children first, without telling him to do so. It's dressed up as 'request', but if he comes back with a 'It's my right', you can follow up with 'yes, but as their parents, it's our responsibility'.

I dunno how that fits with you?

I imagine all you want to do is write 'fuck off!'. But, sadly that ain't the best for the kids.

Done exactly what you said and sent email. Just waiting for reply.

Also sent other email requesting that he returns the money to my eldest daughters account so waiting for some reaction.

Normally I wouldn't say the word but he is a cunt. I've been crying all day and can't seem to break out of thinking of him with her no matter what I do.

You are now seeing the real person you married. My heart goes out to you OP. Just hang on in there and read about others who have gone through similar traumas. There are plenty on MN and many have now recovered and are in healthy relationships. Others are in the process of doing so.
You will recover, given time. You will have good and bad days but after a while you will start to feel a little better. Your recovery will not be linear, it will be in waves of ups and downs, but you will get there. It is the pain we must go through when someone we love betrays us.
As the process continues we begin to realise that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that we have often become happier than we were before. Believe that you will recover and you will probably do so quicker.
Do not let him walk over you. Stand up and be strong. This will help you grow as a person. Feel your feelings (it`s great that you see him as a "cunt") and act on them. Anger is there and that is healthy. Remember that individuals who treat us badly are ultimately weak, though they often appear to outsiders as strong.

Hon, I really, really, really do understand how you're feeling.

Cry your heart out. I am NOT going to tell you to do otherwise. What's happened is awful.

I can only advise you on trying to take back some control, and not inflaming the situation from a pragmatic point of view. I am a firm believer in NC unless it's on your terms, and to get what you need.

But the endless sobbing and hurt has to be worked through day by day. If I were to tell you any different, then I would be lying to you about how I dealt with things. I actually think by crying my heart out, I finally at 4 1/2 months am so over crying!

Truth be told:

Cries per day in the first few days: None. Totally shocked and stunned.
Cries per day in the first month: one - 20 hours long.
Cries per day in the second month: two - each about five hours long. Short break in between.

Cries per day at month three: about three short ten minute long wails (usually when things were difficult in real life).
Cries this week: one (sold yet another very significant 'thing').

It's absolutely okay to feel utterly devastated. But I promise you, it gets better and easier.

Good emails I reckon.

i've been there too - we had ds 7 and dd 9 - he wanted to 'fall in love again' apparently.

anyway, here are my tips.
Go through finances and make copies of everything.
get a good lawyer - we did a Collaborative divorce which is "kinder and cheaper` If you do this you need lawyers who are trained in it - it is not the same as mediation. it does not involved the courts - you get round a table with the lawyers and thrash out a deal.

Look after yourself. eat well , try to rest well. Above all else start every day by holding your head up high and focus on not allowing yourself to be beaten.

If he doesn't return your eldest's money I would seriously consider reporting the theft. In fact, I would report it now, saying you have requested he put the money back. Then if he doesn't you can proceed with reporting it in full. Plus it also makes you look reasonable.

Big . Look after yourself and your DD's. He truly is a scumbag. I don't think his Sgt or Insp would be best pleased to find out he is using prostitutes and stealing money from his children. Officers are supposed to conduct themselves in a manner which cannot leave them open to corruption. Possibly you could report to his superiors saying you are concerned with his behaviour and integrity?

Well I was absolutely right - he's just told me he's going to give me £850 a month for mortgage and maintenance. I told him it needs to calculated correctly but he's said that's all we're getting.

Think this is going to end badly.

He's also been crappy about the girls...told him he couldn't have then overnight on 8th and 9th and he said the next available weekend wouldn't be until 25th/26th Oct. So the children don't appear to be that important to him if he can't see them until then. He also told my eldest daughter that mummy was again stopping her from seeing him. He's using her and she's getting so upset. I explained to her that I told him he could see them on 8th/9th just not overnight. She still didn't see it my way.

What is he playing at. My friend thinks he's trying to break me and get me to file for divorce first.

Hang in there you're doing brilliantly.

I have a friend in a similar situation, her husband turned nasty said he was only giving £xxx at first, but a couple of months down the line when they've both taken legal advice, he is being more reasonable......

Also the dcs are starting to see him for the selfish pig he is as the she has mad contact easy and he just hasn't bothered.

It's so hard being the primary care giver as you take all the flack and you still have to be the responsible one that keeps the boring "routine" going. Stay strong and take care.

Hang in there

Your friend is right - but don't let him. You have friends and you have the force of MN behind you! He didn't count on the vipers

I haven't read all the replies (just your posts and a few replies).

The first thing I would do is change the sim in your DD's phone so he can't call her and tell her crap. I would also make sure her access to the internet is supervised.

Then you need to talk to her, properly. Arrange for someone to have your younger DD and go for a drive with the older one. Talking in the car is easier - she can't stomp off and there's no face to face. She's 11. She is old enough to understand that her Dad has been lying to you about where he has been and that he has been having sex with other women and that is totally unacceptable. That he chose to have a relationship with a woman he met instead of living with you all. I know it's hard to say things like this, but she's 11 and she deserves the truth and for the truth & the way you are handling it to help her when she is making relationship decisions in the future. She needs to see you as a strong woman who doesn't allow a man to treat her like shit and walk all over his family.

Tell her that of course she can still see him, but for now, not overnight - that you don't know any of these women and as her Mum it is your job to keep her safe.

Keep every text from knobhead.

Text or send emails and keep them all - don't talk in person. Tell him that your DD's have x activity on y night blah blah and these things are not negotiable.

Speak to a couple of solicitors on Monday - see who will give you a free half hour and find one that is nice, but will not take any shit from wankbadgers.

Don't hand the car over.

Stay strong

Hi OP, I have been through this myself, my ex also cheated on me and tries very hard to turn my DS against me. I have a bit of advice for you which may help although it is something I am still struggling with myself so I can't say that I have all the answers.

If he doesn't want to see them until the end of October that is good news. Do not encourage any contact with him. You may not be able to prevent her from contacting him because of her age and the resentment it may cause but do so if you can. Ignore anyone who says that contact with her father is a good thing, alienating a child from a parent is incredibly damaging for the child. You probably can't prevent contact but certainly don't encourage it, let him sort it out and if he can't be bothered that's good.

I agree with Latte that it would be good for her to know the truth however be aware that she will relay it all back to him and he will deny everything, possibly in a very convincing way. Do you have a trusted relative who could speak to her rather than do it yourself?

If she tells you a lie which has come from her dad or asks you a direct question, answer it truthfully as briefly and light heartedly as you can. Then change the subject. Do not criticise her dad. I'm afraid I can't say when she will see the truth, my DS is a lot older and he still believes his dad over me but I hope that with maturity that will change.

Remember that her dad has disappeared from her life and if the only connection he is offering is to unite against you then she will take that connection rather than lose him and if she is nasty to you that is because she feels safe with you and knows that she won't lose you.

Keep working on your own relationship with your DD and I do know how hard it is when you are dealing with our own heartbreak so don't beat yourself up if you get it wrong sometimes.

On a practical note get yourself a good solicitor fast. It is a good thing for you to file for divorce first because you will control the process and the timescale and he will be forced to pay you maintenance in a proper manner. You can also arrange child maintenance and he won't have a choice in the amount.

Sounds all so tough for you!

Why won't you file for divorce first?

Get really practical and ring fence as much money as you can. He sounds nasty.

Just divorce his sorry arse. If I were you I would be racing to get there first!

Gonna search through all the paperwork and try to get him for everything.

Bought a hoover at 3am last night from joint account - let see how angry that makes him! I bet he reduces the amount of money he thinks he can get away with.

He got lots of overtime this month and I believe that the children and I are entitled to some of it.

But feel like I'm trying to negotiate with a 3 year old child who can't read.

He seems to thinks he's the victim.

Just a thought but does he have to pay anything towards the utility bills?

Also been told due to my illness I maybe entitled to spouse maintenance. Any ideas girls?

Wow. Go for it OP!

Hello, love! This is all so horrifyingly familiar. I was also told I would get a nominal figure (subject to him reviewing my spending) which was very insufficient for my outgoings. I had no option but to take him to court. But it's not a case of 'getting him' on anything you can - divorce is all about the money, and nothing to do with justice.

I'll try to explain SM from what I've experienced.

Let's say he earns 4K (net) per month.
Let's say he has outgoings per annum (e.g. including insurances, pension contributions, monthly bills, normal way of life, rent mortgage etc) of 2.8K per month.

That gives him an excess of 1.2K per month.

He's offering you 850 per month (so a difference of 350pm).

To take him to court it will cost you around 3K (solicitor-led) so it will take you 8.5 months to break even (and in the interim you still have the bills to pay).

That's why SM claims can be a Pyrrhic victory. I cannot stress to you how lucky I was to get my court costs covered (it truly is a rare thing).

It costs a ton of money to enforce your rights/his responsibilities. It absolutely has to be worth it.

Try as much as you can to persuade him to pay the mortgage/bills as well as the children's maintenance.

You know his earnings (more or less) so work out the maths as to whether it's worth it. The best thing you can do right now is file for divorce - as this starts the process of negotiation (and yes, your earning capacity is taken into account - so that will factor into account include your illness). As soon as you get to the negotiating table, then you can discuss with him the children's and your needs. If he can't accept them, then you have recourse to the law.

Talk to your solicitor about a "timetabled" divorce which forces him to comply with the divorce procedure (allegedly) and forces him to the negotiation table (again this takes some time).

However, I stress to you the legal system is costly. I am in a ton of debt now for legal services because SM doesn't take into account the fact that you have legal fees to pay. I got 96% of my claim, which was all functional outgoings (no frippery) and I'm still in a ton of debt because of the legal fees. In every case up and down the country, the dependent spouse faces the same cold hard fact. When he fucks off, he doesn't just break your heart, he breaks the bank account too.

Horrifying isn't it? The only 'good' news is that when you get to settlement, you get your entitlements - that can take quite a while in the absence of a timetabled divorce.

However, do go on the CSM calculator to see if 850 is correct for the children.

Hope you're doing okay - I really feel very sorry for anyone going through this. It is truly terrifying and awful.

In my case it didn't cost much to get a maintenance order because the threat of court was enough to get him to agree. Your illness will be a factor but it really depends what you earn, what he earns and what your needs are. In my case the maintenance includes an amount to help with my legal costs.

I'm glad to hear you sounding stronger and once you get some legal advice you will feel even stronger.

Keep going WhyMe. I am rooting for you.
Hope you get lawyered up soon as. X