Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

You're right she doesn't know everything but she thinks I'm the one that instigated the break up. I've told her that I still love daddy but sometimes grown ups don't always get along. I've also told her that daddy loves her and her little sister and he always will. I want to promise her that he'll always be there but I feel that he is going to let her down. I want to protect her but I know I can't.

I've told her that I will always be here and we will be strong together but she said that she needs daddy to protect her.

Plus he's supposed to be taking her to Thorpe park tomorrow (something that I arranged ages ago before he went) but he hasn't even rang to arrange times etc. I think once he starts letting her down she'll understand more.

P.S. I've had the locks changed today so he's in for a shock tomorrow!

I would tell your daughter an age-appropriate truth, "Your dad wants to have other girlfriends. You're not allowed to do that when you are married, so that's why he has moved out".

When it gets tough, remember what they say, "I am the parent that stayed".

Also, what's the financial situation? Are his maintenance payments paid reliably? Have you explored your childcare options so you can keep your job?

You say, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here... but I don't see why that makes a difference to his parenting responsibilities. Can't he still have them? Or at least be responsible for organising child care whilst he's away.

I know it's not always as straight forward as that, but I feel so angry for you .

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. My first thought was OW and now you've found out that's what it is. But if he's been seeing other women prior to that for sex then you truly are better off without him.

I had the same speech from my XH out if the blue. XH denied OW as she was martied to his friend, but she was in hus head and they are now together. i was devastated at the time but Now, 2.5 years on I am doing ok. XH is living with the woman that he was texting thousands of times a month.

Get some legal advice and look after yourself . Your DD will come found in time. Be honest with her and tell her that he doesn't love you any more and has chosen to leave.

You will get through this, one day at a time. Tell your friends, get RL support.

Next update - He actually turned up at 7am this morning to take my daughter to Thorpe Park!

However, he was so angry when he couldn't open the front door. You should have seen his face. He was shouting I pay the mortgage etc and you can't do that to me. I tried to calm him down and talk to him but he didn't want to talk at all.

He also saw the black sacks that I had ready in the hallway full of his stuff (I had told the children I was having a clear out). I had wanted to get him to take this when the children were not here but I told him to take it there n then. I could see the hate in his face. I threw some of the bags at him. I know that I shouldn't but I feel so awful. I would never have hurt him like he's hurt me.

My eldest daughter was upstairs getting ready and he kept shouting for her to come down. I didn't want her to see any of this. I feel like a bad mother; that I haven't protected her from anything. He has still taken her out.

I know he has brought all this on himself but it hurts so much that my marriage has come to this. How did I get here?

I know that after all he's done to me that there is no way back but the pain is unbearable.

I'm going to write a letter to my solicitor to get things started because he thinks he's in control and I cannot live with that.

He's rearranging the facts of what has happened to make his behaviour more palatable to himself and OW. So when you take control re locks and bin bags, it messes with his perception of what he sees as the truth. Thats what makes him angry - you taking control of the situation - not the situation itself.

Don't write a letter to your solicitor - phone them up, go and see them! Writing will take far too long - we are in the ages of phones and emails. Is your solicitor a divorce specialist? If not go and see several and pick the one you think is best.

You need to take back control from him, at the moment he is calling all the shots, even getting to tell the children his version of your break up before you.

He is a total arse with no contrition which at least makes it clear you shouldn't spend any time trying to 'win him back'.

Best wishes - packing up his stuff and changing the locks is fabulous, keep going.

Who was it that had that thread-Dear STBXH? I read that and it was so inspiring. Can someone link to it?

OP, I really feel for you. All you can do is keep ploughing forward.
Solicitor-yes asap. A good one.
You did great changing the locks.
Your daughter is just terrified, and all you can do is be as honest with her as possible, and show here how a woman behaves with dignity and style.
Never back down, and once your arsehole husband realises what a car crash he has made of his life, never, ever feel sorry for him.
Look after yourself x

Hugs to you. He is a complete swine.

I agree with what Vivacia suggested about telling the children an age appropriate version of the truth - I would bet my house that he is spending the day lying to them about how awful you are and he couldn't possibly carry on living with you. They deserve the truth.

And I know he is a police officer, but if he gets angry and aggressive I would have no hesitation in calling the police.

You are not a bad mother at all. You stayed, you put your children first. We all know what your husband put first. And he has put you at huge risk, given that you are already being treated for a serious medical condition.

I would email your solicitor - get moving quickly. Take care.

Massive pat on the back to you OP, stay strong. Changed the locks, bagged his crap, he wanted out and now he has it!

latest update...he kept texting me while they were at Thorpe Park for me to get the locks sorted or he would contact his solicitors. Told him the new locks were staying, to stop bullying me and trying to frighten me.

He then said that he had hoped we could sort this out without solicitors! He also then agreed to talk!

Unfortunately when he brought my daughter home he had no intention of talking. He wasn't even going to come in until I told him to come and say goodnight to my little one who adores her daddy.

Tried to get him to arrange a day to talk but he kept giving excuses. He hasn't even told me when he will see the children next.

He said that he will visit when his shifts allow and I will have to stop the children going to their after school activities so that he can see them.
I told him they need to stick to a routine but he insists that his visits come first.

He also said that he may stop paying the bills if I made any trouble for him.

He made me so angry I wanted to hit him. He told me he would call the police about me!

The children could hear our raised voices and got upset - he walked out while they were crying. What a coward.

Hello lovely,

If I wanted to upset and hurt you, I would post on your thread every half hour something utterly vile. Or something that would get under your skin and make you feel harassed. Or something that ridiculed you. Or just threatening stuff.

And yet, I manage not to do any of that despite knowing that I could if I chose to.

Either a) I'm amazing, or b) he's vile. I'll leave you to decide on that or come up with an option c)

I made a point on another thread recently:

You know you're being manipulated when you write every sentence with the word 'he' in it.

Read your post above.

Write it beginning every sentence with I.

I'll start for you

I am pissed off because whilst he was out with our daughter, I kept receiving texts that threatened me, that told me, that scared me.

I expected him to follow through with his promise to talk. I am disappointed that he then didn't at all.

Amazing, isn't it, when you stop him being the centre of attention...and make yourself a little bit more self-centred.

So, can I give you a piece of advice? Start writing your story - and fuck him if he thinks he's going to dictate it.

Take care. Too many of us know the pain you're feeling, and the distress of your situation. But, we're here to read, and help. KOKO.

I'm so glad I found mumsnet when I did. It really helps when you see your problems through other peoples eyes.

I've been on MN for years. Didn't stop this hell happening to me.

However, it did prepare me very well for it.

Take care, love. I really do know the heartache. You have my total sympathy.

I was surprised to read that you invited him in to the house.

I think OP was trying to make sure DD2 doesn't feel excluded. Part of readjustment is realising that people who trample on us aren't going to revert to the old, civil, decent person they were just by us trying to behave in a reasonable mature way.

He is no longer your friend, whyMe.

He's texted me this morning to say that he "didn't mean any of this to happen but it just did". What a cop out. Still not taking responsibility for his actions.

He then texted again..."I know wot I've done is totally unforgivable".
Well he's definitely right there.

My daughter said that daddy had been using his phone all the time in the park and talking to someone. Low and behold it was the OW. He admitted it.

He can't even give my daughter one day of his precious time.

Plus my little girl got so upset last night after seeing her dad that she wouldn't settle and ended up wetting the bed. She's never done that before. She kept asking why daddy isn't staying anymore. It's heartbreaking.

You're right...he is no longer my friend. I will find the strength somewhere. I just go through periods of intense angry then I'm crying again. I keep thinking of him in a new family set up without us. I know I shouldn't but it's still so raw.

whyme - legally you cannot change the locks if he is on the mortgage, or if you do, you need to give him a set of keys. This is why you need expert legal advice. If he is not on the mortgage, then you have done nothing wrong. Please do see a solicitor about the house and finances so that you have an idea of where you stand and what to ask for when you do talk to XH. Do not agree to anything he suggests without getting legal advice.

If you haven't already, then ring Working Tax Credit helpline and make a claim as a single parent. Ring the council tax and get your 25% discount. Go to the Child Maintenance Options website and calculate how much maintenance he should be paying, if you know what his gross salary is. Do all of these things, so that he cannot threaten you financially, so that you know where you stand. Empower yourself with knowledge.

If he wont talk to you face to face, then ask him to go to mediation to discuss finances and access to the DC. Please ensure that the DC are out at the time.

Regarding access, that is something that you need to sort out between you, what is best for the DC. After school clubs are important and he could collect them afterwards and give them tea etc. There are ways around everything. There is no way that you should cut their activities, as long as you can afford them, or he should continue to pay for half, whatever you agree between you.

My XH complains that DD is busy every night, yet refused to commit to a set day to collect her from school, so her activities continue. She can't just sit around waiting on the off chance that he will deign to pick her up one day when it suits him.....

Men like this should be charged with abuse, seriously what an absolute cunt of a man.

So, you now know your marriage has been a shame, he's been cheating for years - believe it or not, in the not too distant future you will be asking what the hell you saw in him - he's a shit husband and a shit dad.

Sorry this has happened to you, not sorry the truth is out though, now you can get on with your life without this cretin in it.

Words just fail me about what an utter arsehole he's being

Been to Relate today on my own - got lots of information and confirmation that he has been emotionally abusing me and due to some of the things he had said he may even have to have supervised access to the children.

I also asked him for the truth again today and here it is (text)...
"Firstly I never meant for any of this to happen. Things between us haven't been great for some time and maybe we're to blame for that. My work hasn't helped. Then I met someone on the driving course, and have fallen for them. I couldn't help myself and it's as simple as that."

So I read the above as 'it's still your fault and you're to blame for my affair".

The driving course was in July and I can't believe that he left us after only knowing this woman for 4 weeks and she's (so he said) still with her husband.

Then spoke to him on the phone after that and he told me that there was nothing else to say and he wouldn't talk face to face because he was frightened of me hitting him! So I threw back the bit about 'supervised access' and he went absolutely mad. Also told him that my children will not stay overnight with him due to his dubious prostitute habit etc.

He also said that if I continue to drive his car I will have to pay the monthly payments. He said he was entitled to have the car back. He would get me a 'run around' to do the school run. So I'll go from an Audi A4 to a skip on wheels (that's so safe for the children).

I also found out that he has removed money from our daughters savings account (via internet banking). I told him that it was theft - this made him so angry.

So the outcome of today is...my life is still shit, I'm still saddled with a prat that won't talk who steals money from his children , and now he's threatening to take the car as well.

Even when I get angry and cynical I cry. I still feel so betrayed.

Hello love,

I strongly urge you to go 'No Contact'. If ever there was a reason for doing it, you've got it. You need to start taking control of your own life and reclaiming your own thoughts.

The 'C'mon darling, just fall into line and do what I need you to do', whether delivered with vitriol or tears, is just that - him telling you want to think again.

You will never get answers. Any answers you get will blame you, as you're learning, and just muck with that head of yours.

You tell him what your advisors say, he will threaten severe consequences, and then you're back to fearing the worst again.

You're going to be angry, devastated and hurt by this, of course you are - but the sooner you kick him out of your head, the sooner your own mind can come back to you, and that's when the heart starts to heal.

Promise.

It takes a while, but now my mind is full of 'fuck him' and the head full of giggles. I wouldn't have believed that in the early days, when I had a face full of snot and head full of fuckwittery, but it's true.

Speak to the police. Ask if what he has done taking money from your DDs account is theft. They will have a dim view of one of their own doing that.

Change the passwords to the bank NOW. Speak to the bank and stop access.