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Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

(1000 Posts)
foolonthehill Tue 09-Oct-12 14:15:35

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans – He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out – You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change…please don’t give him the link…print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

foolonthehill Tue 09-Oct-12 14:16:10


NiniLegsInTheAir Tue 09-Oct-12 14:25:18

Here. Forever probably.

foolonthehill Tue 09-Oct-12 14:29:46

Like me!!!!

Maybe here...but today is always a new day and one way or another your life will move on, you will make choices, so will is always changing. We just have to keep going doing the best we can and making the best choices we can each time.

littlemisspumpkin Tue 09-Oct-12 14:30:53

Hello again eveyone, its me sunny under a name change! Just marking my place on the new thread!

I remembered something else too recently, when we got married 12 years ago, in our vows he wanted me to say the old fashioned traditional version of love, honour and obey and he did love, honour and cherish, at the time I didn't want to say it, but he wanted it so much so I did it! Some of my friends and family were a bit hmm about it. I should have run for the hills then. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, oh well.

NiniLegsInTheAir Tue 09-Oct-12 14:39:21

That's funny pumpkin, NSDH wanted me to say 'love, honour and obey' too, but I refused. Should also have run for the hills!

Fool, if we are here forever at least here we have good company smile

tryingsoonflying Tue 09-Oct-12 14:51:32

Hello friends on thread 12 smile

ponygirlcurtis Tue 09-Oct-12 14:52:53

Thanks for the new thread fool! Glad to be part of our little group. smile

Just a quick post (haha, yeah right!) to say thanks for all your words of support thanks - I asked mum about Dad, asked if it was more serious than he was letting on, she said no, thank goodness.
However, she was (to my mind) not telling the whole truth. I think these tests he has been going for could still return being more serious than just a waterworks problem and she knows it (she was a nurse for 45 years, after all). Why do I say that? Maybe it's just my mum being so unable to offer me any emotional support, as usual. But she asked if I'd been worried about it, and if I'd been wondering if that's why he was going to Canada, I said yes, she just said 'oh.' She did say that he'd been thinking about going for ages. but if it was me, and my daughter said that she'd been worried about her dad's health, I think I would have been a little more comforting, or said something positive or reassuring, maybe even a touch or a pat on the arm. Anyway, she asked me what she wanted to ask, what the whole purpose of the lunch invite plainly was - how things were with me & NSDH - and she got an answer she liked - that I wasn't currently seeing him at all and he wasn't visiting me at my flat any more - and then I moved the conversation on. God, I sound like a bitter old harpy! but I'm just feeling a bit ambivalent towards my family at the moment.

NSDH is doing my head in today. Text message first thing this morning: Thinking about you, hope you can forgive me, I really don't want us to finish, so you?
I replied slightly ranty, that I didn't know if I could forgive him, but i'd already give him so many chances and he'd not shown me any lasting changes and I wasn't even sure if he could change, yadda yadda. His reply was that I seemed determined to always look on the negative side!!!! hmm But that's another one of his 'things' - criticising me if he senses anything less than full positivity, I'm not permitted to have a worry or a concern or an irrational thought, must always be positive! grin (that's me being all full of optimism, rictus-grin style!)

bertiebassett Tue 09-Oct-12 15:05:58

Hello everyone...

Wedding vows huh?

I can't remember when I last felt loved, honoured & cherished sad

On a good note FW seems to have realised that waiting until the middle of next month to discuss whats happening the house is a tad hopefully we will be able to get something agreed this week. Watch this space...

In the meantime, I've been researching the financial options again. There isn't much choice. If he wont let me buy him out then we're going to have to sell...

He's such an idiot...he would make more money if he let me buy him out as he wouldn't have to pay half of the selling fees! But I've given up trying to understand how his brain's really beyond me.

Pony I haven't been able get through to financial helpline I mentioned, but what I have found might help you. If I was to move out and stop contributing towards mortgage (I think that's what you've done?) then I will not lose any claim to my share of the house. As part of the divorce proceedings the finances will have to be finalised. The court would either force him out and let me stay there with DS (unlikely as I am ok financially) or they would force the sale of the house (probable). The court/solicitors would then decide how the equity from the house sale would be split according to our incomes. If FW had paid all of mortgage from me moving to sale of house he might be able to claim that proportion back...but it might not be approved.

The only issue would be if I moved out and FW didn't pay mortgage. However, if the mortgage company is aware of the separation/pending divorce they may be able to 'make allowances' and agree to a mortgage 'holiday' which would make things easier...

ponygirlcurtis Tue 09-Oct-12 15:19:13

Thanks bertie, that's really good to know. I'll double check with my solicitor about the equity issue - I'm in Scotland, so maybe it's different here - but that's at least more hopeful.

I have already spoken to our mortgage company, who are willing to give us some breathing space in the form of taking the payments down to interest only for a time - or even lower if we needed (although that could impact our credit rating). I told NSDH all this in July, when he was chuntering on about not affording it. He's done precisely nothing about it, as far as I can see.

CharlotteCollinsislost Tue 09-Oct-12 16:15:13

Signing in...

Another one who promised to obey here. At the time I thought it was probably a good thing. That was me: I just aspired to be a doormat. hmm

arthriticfingers Tue 09-Oct-12 18:56:29

Thanks again Fool what would we do without you thanks

AnastasiaSteele Tue 09-Oct-12 19:27:38

Wow t 'other thread moved quickly.

I'm feeling spaghetti headed today.

I'm somehow heartened by the outcome of the Justin Lee Collins case that EA is being acknowledged.

Evening all.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Tue 09-Oct-12 19:49:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ponygirlcurtis Tue 09-Oct-12 20:13:14

Congrats on new car hilde, that's brilliant! It's not in the slightest bit silly to get excited by a car. I've had cars before that I've been excited about (and those that I've hated), and I can tell you that very time you drive it you'll get a little buzz, even if it's unconscious, and that's not something to be sniffed at in these times!

More good news (EA unrelated) - my lovely friend of many, many years had her twin boys yesterday, after a long slog - cancer, range of FW partners (one of whom was def EA, and stalked her quite scarily), and then finding her love, marrying him, lots of unsuccessful IVF, etc. I'm so over-the-moooooooooon pleased for her. thanks I just wish I wasn't so far away from her... Time to plan a trip back daaarn saaaaf for the New year, methinks. If I am still with NSDH, I wont be able to go, more than likely. That's enough incentive! grin

hildebrandisgettinghappier Tue 09-Oct-12 20:14:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tryingsoonflying Tue 09-Oct-12 21:33:40

Pony so glad all seems stable on the dad health front, fingers crossed. Sorry your mum is being emotionally reticent when you need her support so much sad

Hilde yay for the new car!

tryingsoonflying Tue 09-Oct-12 21:34:42

re JLC - I am delighted too. I hated the way his legal team did their best to smear her and portray her as a crazed person. Sounded rather familiar...!

tryingsoonflying Tue 09-Oct-12 23:04:35

My plan is slowly forming:

Too scared to serve divorce papers whilst in same house, so:

Rent storage space for month. Slowly move things into it - all my documents. Copies of his. Precious memory stuff. My books. Winter duvets for kids and me. A few sets of clothes, uniforms, etc.. Items of furniture that will not be obvious.

Move out into reasonably priced flat on six month contract. Lawyer's letter saying why (EA/DV) and police log of all incidents (taking inspiration from JLC case).

See how cookie crumbles (all blank after that!)

Thoughts, practical suggestions welcome smile

tryingsoonflying Tue 09-Oct-12 23:05:51

PS then get family house rented or ask FW to leave so we can move back in

TheSilverPussycat Tue 09-Oct-12 23:21:20

Hi all, had registry office wedding, and no ring. So only had to declare there was no legal reason why we shouldn't marry. I don't really believe in marriage, only did it cos we were about to TTC and in those days that was only way he would get parental rights. He seemed to think marriage conferred on him the right not to support his family...

Glad to here things are moving with some of you with regards to plans, cars etc. I am having a carthartic time cleaning, and ripping weeds out of the garden.

MaggieMay05 Wed 10-Oct-12 00:52:45

Hi all, just checking in grin

Re JLC - serves him and his frizzball barnet right! Thank goodness times are a changing!

ponygirlcurtis Wed 10-Oct-12 09:43:18

trying, I like your plan. My only concern is the time it's going to take you to get all this sorted. I'd like you to be safe and in a better place already! It took me ages to find a place to rent that I really liked (for price/area, etc), and then another age (it felt) after that before I could actually move in. It was 2.5 months after I left NSDH before I moved into my lovely flat, and it felt like the longest time.

Have you spoken to a solicitor yet? It might be possible for you to avoid all the upheaval yourself and just get him removed from the property based on the police logs, etc. Or they might have other suggestions.

NiniLegsInTheAir Wed 10-Oct-12 10:38:11

Managed to get an 'emergency' app with my own counsellor for this afternoon, spent most of yesterday in tears after our couples' session on monday. Left a message for our couple's counsellor to ring me but she isn't back in the office until tomorrow and the lady I spoke to isn't sure she's even allowed to contact me at all.

He's completely shut down for some reason. Not saying goodbye to me when he goes, leaving things lying around. He left the cat locked in the dining room this morning when he went to work and didn't feed her either. sad

hildebrandisgettinghappier Wed 10-Oct-12 10:49:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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