Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hello all! I feel like I haven't posted in ages, so much going off. I've kept a reasonable distance from FW, though I'm really missing him, missing the nice side of him. I wish that were the real him.

He asked if I thought he was EA this week. I couldnt bring myself to say he was. I ended up in tears - telling him to leave me alone because I was useless, a fuck up, all the bad things he has ever said. He thought I was being sarcastic at first but seemed quite surprised when it seemed he'd got in my head. When I'm away from him, I know those things are bollocks. When I'm with him, that resolve dissolves.

Ive been to counselling again and I don't know where I would be without that. I feel a bit sad at the moment, and I feel so rejected by him, my past is biting me in the bottom. I'm struggling with my issues with my mum (in a nutshell, she left, we are estranged but she is local, and I have identified she was my initial EA source. I tried to do everything to make her love me and she still left, but then punishes me for her fuck up, so I walk away even though it hurt me to do so and ultimately I have to be without her and it hurts. Same with FW - I've worked at this, wanted him to love me, put efforts into this, he still rejects me and punishes me and I have to go. It's hard.

I have lots to look forward to, I have job interviews so need to focus on those and that could be a good new start.

I have felt a bit low, hence quiet here. Not wanting to do anything drastic, but god, just want to disappear sometimes. Thankfully my sister is due to have a baby soon and that keeps me going. The thought of her having a baby excites me, and I can't go anywhere, she needs me.

Hi Ana, hope you're ok. You're doing so well, so sorry to hear about your ea mum. I am very happy for you that you've got such a lovely thing to look forward to - new baby on horizon how lovely. When you say you want to disappear - I kinda know how you feel, I have had moments like that too. I am going through a slightly stronger phase just now (swings and roundabouts, very up and down). Anyway, I wanted to say, when you feel like that, please remember that you're a lovely person and deserve to have a good place in this world to be happy in .

Glad you had a good day, hilde.

Ana - I think that rejection by a parent like you describe must be one of the absolute hardest things to deal with. :( Give yourself time and kindness - which must be hard if she didn't/doesn't.

NSDH has had to go to hospital and I've had such a nice day.

Ok, I feel pretty awful for thinking that. I am worried about him, he's pretty unwell and will be in for a few days. At the same time, the weekend's changed entirely: his dps were coming over (staying nearby), and so he would usually cook something extravagant, direct conversations like a conductor with an orchestra, plan our trips and forget the dcs' mealtimes and bedtimes. Now I am cooking, letting conversation flow around me (hearing from others - and myself - more), offering ideas and coming up with plans together and prioritising dc feeding times! And with all this unexpected responsibility, I've had a lovely day!

And another thing (while I'm sharing all my bad thoughts): when I drove him to hospital last night, he was so ill he only made two negative comments about my driving. What a stressful hour's journey that was. While I was waiting for the decision to admit him, I was most worried that I'd have to drive him back home again - and this time in the dark!

Poor thing, though, never seen him look so weak.

Oh, but amongst his weakness he's worried I'm going to run off with the lodger!

"And even with all this unexpected responsibility" that should say.

Sat here on the laptop as the shitty neighbours are having yet another of their parties and I can't sleep. NSDH is, typically, getting shirty at ME for not being quiet, not doing something about their noise since 'they're good kids really'. They're horrible little wankers that like to throw rubbish in our garden, make loads of noise and generally just be anti-social

The last few days have been quiet here but this is just reminding me about NSDH's real nature. Heaven forbid I should stay awake when he wants to sleep but if someone else disturbs us it's totally fine.

I depress myself sometimes.

Another night of sat here waiting for FW to arrive home.....he was suppose to finish work at 10pm. I didn't even get the death text (one quick pint) tonight. Nothing, no responses to my texts, just letting his phone ring etc etc when I have tried to contact him to check hes not dead in a ditch somewhere. If this hadn't happened a hundred times before to me I would be really worried but know the reality is that because we have had 'words' this morning regarding his 4am arrival home last night he is in hiding in a pub somewhere instead of coming home. And will use the excuse that he thought I didn't want him at home as the reason for him staying out. So predicable. So he is out enjoying himself spending the families "his" money and I am sat here being told I can't be trusted with money because I spend too much of it . Can't remember the last night I went out alone and enjoyed myself. Is always with him or to some stupid forced family function/party where I have to order the cheapest drink, yet he will gladly then 2 mins later splash out and buy all his friends expensive shots etc etc. How did I get in such a bloody mess

Hugs to you all and thanks so much for your support, is truly a lifeline xxx

UPDATE......hes just walked in the door...or should I say rolled. Drunk as a skunk. Was expecting a much later arrival tbh so was a bit shocked. Usually he would lie on sofa talking drunk shit chat to me but tonight he has gone straight upstairs to bed (north face jacket still on!) murmuring only a few words and giving a few looks. He isn't an angry drunk thank god its when hes sober is when his anger comes out so don't know what awaits me tomorrow. That is probably the more dangerous bully as they can't use drink as an excuse for their anger

Ummmmm.....any advice on what should my next step be tomorrow? Carry on without further conflict and continue biding my time, planning my escape - choose my battles carefully to win the war plan? Or should I have it out with him again about his staying out, not contacting me and so on? The latter could escalate into really nasty EA and maybe even mild PA so even though thats what a normal persons reaction may be to do I am maybe leaning towards my long term war plan and letting this battle go..for now...what do you all think?

In the meantime, I am going to tuck my little ones in, grab the spare duvet and settle down for the night on the sofa. At least I can get some sleep now and not have one ear open for if its him coming in or we are getting burgled. Might even just turn up the radiator in our bedroom to the max a notch....well he might get a bit cold in that north face jacket hey!!

Sorry...me again. Haven't slept a wink. Whilst he was passed out I decided to have a look through his phone...checked the internet history on it and found he has visited a site which does reviews on "working girls" and he has searched for them in a town not far from where we live therefore intending to visit one-if not already. I feel utterly sick to the pit of my stomach especially as we are still intimate. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse Am in tears. Just don't know what to do and how without any money. Need to detach but don't want to leave the home without all my bits and bobs and know he will just damage them if he knows I'm leaving. How long do you think the detach stage takes? Can't believe he has done this to me and our kids-wtf do I tell them when they are older and ask why I left their daddy? And what do I tell our family/friends who think he is great? It is that bit that really upsets me and that the kids might get a wicked stepmother thrown into the mix years down the line. But anything right now is better than staying with this battering my brain and esteem. Wish I could just fast forward me and kids through all this and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sorry for my mad string of posts and thanks for your continued support-couldnt do this by myself xxxxxx

I left my EA husband Fri. The final straw was him rolling my 4yr old DD off the bed and then screaming at her because she hadn't stopped messing with 2yr old DS when asked.
He is at the stage of not believing I am gone for good as I have gone back before (during what I now recognise as the honeymoon period). I am looking at houses to rent tomorrow and he will know I'm serious. Then it will get ugly.
I have been with him 8yrs, married 6. It's my only relationship so I had no idea of 'normal'.
My DD just wants to go home and see daddy. I feel like I'm screwing her up whatever I do. Stupidly I woukdnt have married him if I hadn't bonded so strongly with his daughters from his previous marriage. I believed all the shit he told me about his ex, excused his behaviour.
I have had him insinuate I am stupid and lack common sense for ages now. My DM says I used to be so bubbly. This is going to be so hard.

Hi, Matchsticks - well done for making the break and seeing him for who he is. Good luck finding a house tomorrow.

Maggie - What an utter utter FW he's being. Is there any inside the shock and sadness? Try to get hold of that and use it to remain calm and detached? If you can. I go very quiet when I am angry, that might be a personality thing. If you don't feel you're ready to get out, then focus on getting yourself ready so that you can go. And in the meantime, I really wouldn't engage - no discussions about last night, or the internet history you found. That would be trying to make him see what he's doing and be accountable for his actions... but at this stage it's clear that he knows what he's doing (or is truely in his own little damaged world) and doesn't care what its effect is (or wants to hurt you). Obviously you're not going to want to go near him in bed (eewwwww), but a few white lies to keep him away if you can are acceptable battle tactics!!

Just a quickie, thx so much for your support makes me think I'm not going mad. Forgot he is bloody off work today. I have lots of but know I need to keep my poker face on detach detach detach time. Catch up properly later hopefully xx

Matchsticks welcome and so very well done. I too would go straight away if he touched DD or DS. Is only a matter of time I think so need to be prepared. Good luck with everything and stay strong. We are all here for support. Hugs

He just rang to say why don't I come over to talk things through. Told him we've done that before and nothing changed. He is how he is and I am how I am.
He will no doubt use this to beat me with- he asked to talk and I wouldn't.

Loads of support to fellow sufferers - maggie and match hugs and support. Very quick post as things kicking off here. Today I have been called stupid cow, disgusting mess, the worst mistake he's ever made - in front of kids. Am feeling frightened and distressed. We have been so detached from eachother recently that this fresh anger is frightening me. I phoned dsis and she came up with suggestion for tonight but haven't heard back from her - I know she'll be trying to sort it. There's a flat to rent very locally at a cheapish price - am going to see about it tomorrow. Meanwhile don't know how safe I feel tonight.

OMG trying hope you are ok. Keep your head down and stay safe-keep in touch if you can so we know you are ok xx he probably has realised he has actually blown it with you and you are standing up to him. Stay safe x

Match stay strong and stick to your guns, you are being very brave. Wish I had your courage x

My FW is still lying in bed. Makes me want to puke. God forbid I ever have a little lie in-even to 9am-get a whole load of insults chucked at me. But its ok for him to lie in his pit until late afternoon as he "works for a living" well I would too if allowed. Walking on eggshells all day awaiting him to get up as don't know what mood he will be in. God I hate this, how did we all get into such shit situations? Stay safe everyone. Thinking of you all. Hugs x

Thinking of you too xxx hope your fw isn't too horrible when he emerges from his pit. Mine has retreated to his shed, I am quietly siphoning off necessities into black plastic bags (doing big clear out anyway so disguised by that) - important papers, jewellery and passports tucked away into handbag in case of quick exit.

hope it doesn't kick off tonight though, I feel quite freaked.

Despite being freaked, trying, you are still carrying out the first part of your plan. Of course you will be freaked. The trick is to aim for Implacable as well. And safe - leave or ring 999 the moment you need to, should it all kick off.

Mine was never threatening, but also he had never had divorce papers served on him before! I had somewhere to run, but didn't need to. But he had become such a stranger to me that there was no way I could predict his reaction for sure.

Thinking of you all today, especially Maggie and trying - really feel for you both. trying, I remember that awful jittery feeling in the stomach, knowing that something was brewing and not being able to do anything about it - if you try and stay quiet, that'll be a fault, if you stand up to him, that'll be a fault. Because it's not about what you're doing, it's about what he wants to do, how he wants to behave. I agree with Maggie, maybe he's seeing you detach and realises you are serious, and is ramping up to try and get you back in line.

Keep planning, keep squirreling away. And keep your phone on you at all times. Remember that even if he hasn't touched you but is shouting and making you feel afraid - that's assault, and you can call the police if you don't feel safe.

And Maggie, I agree that keeping your head down and getting on with your own plan is probably your safest option. Plan your exit. You can do it. You both can.

I send you hopes and strength girls for your challenges, and feel so sorry at your situations.

Maggie - i've had to learn that it really doesn't matter what other people think. We don't stay in relationships that are abusive in order to keep others happy. You have to be a happy mummy and have happpy children so you have to do whatever you have to do, and you absolutely do know the right way to go and who can be relied upon to give you encouragement and support for that. Stay away from the people that don't support you (esp. your DH!! or sorry is it FW - I'm not sure I know what that means, but whatever word you use when he's far from being a DH!! ;)

I have been told I am abusing my dc!! and no doubt that slander is being spread as far as they can spread it; I can't stop them saying whatever they like, but I know the truth of the situation and I have good friends to support us. DC happy and thriving, only anxious and resistant/rebellious swearing after visits funnily enough. Which I then have to stay calm to help manage.

Keep strong, everyone here is behind you (flying & Maggie and anyone else feeling stuck right in it at the moment).

Thank you pony that last bit brought a tear to my eye as I mostly feel like I will never be free and happy again xx

The swamp monster has since emerged from his pit looking very sheepish. No anger as yet thank god prob saving that for tonight. He announced that he went off the rails as I annoyed him alrighty then!! I had a food shopping list written out and he has now had to go out and do that with his hangover (as I'm not allowed to spend his money unsupervisedarsehole) he said he will start giving me housekeeping money soon so not to worry another alrighty then moment! He is probably off to visit the offy, local drug dealer and lady of the night too to settle his weekend accounts! Meanwhile me, DS and DD have cranked up the music and are having a mini disco in DDs bedroom!! Lots of fun and laughs which will prob not be allowed upon his return. :-/

Hi maggie trying pony....thinking of you as we get to the end of another weekend.

shriek those are very wise words! I have stopped worrying/listening to what other people say. The people who matter are the ones who support you and believe in you without telling you what you should be doing/thinking/feeling. FW is always telling what soandso says...what advice he's been given...what everybody thinks about me...I've stopped listening now

Sorry..thanks everyone else too-the other messages only just showed up. Don't know what I'd do without this support xx

Ps-shriek FW=FU*KWIT. Just can't bring myself to call him DH or should I say DPartner as he tells me I'm not good enough to marry. WTF am I doing with this man?!! And why is he with me if I'm so awful? Wish he would just do one and me + kids can get on with our lives instead of making it hard us having to leave etc etc xx

worried for you girls, but what can he do? Other than make you scared? Is there PA? Then phone the police. Have that disco! or anything, to stop the fear ;)

I am sitting here shaking and trying to get a grip myself!!!! I'm telling myself its madness but I'm determined to stop it. I'm bright red and so so jittery. Will have to do something else to get my mind off it, til the next time.

Stay safe everyone, and I am feeling increasingly concerned that there may be a link in the Guardian to here, where there are vulnerable women and children! I wish heartoday would say something about that to clarify what led him here, as it does seem extremely odd to publicise a direct link to a site where women are hiding from abuse.