Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

And he thinks it's fine to demand a breakdown of what I've done today, just as he'd happily provide one if I asked for it complete with exaggerations and downright lies, no doubt.

Thanks for support, lovely ones! I like the expression, pony, had to say it to myself aloud , it's very encouraging! Also your words about being in the rented flat and never being happier ! I think my dsis thinks I'm a bit bonkers (tho she is totally on side and supportive) for doing a fly by night type of escape. It's really hard explaining stuff to people in RL who haven't been through it - thank god for you lot on here, where we don't have to explain anything because we all understand. It actually makes my stomach ache less, the thought of not having to explain because we all understand eachother, IYSWIM? The thought of explaining it all to FW in situ and asking for separation/ divorce would just kill my fragile beginnings of self worth enough to leave IFSWIM. It would snuff me out and I'd be here for ever - not to mention the physical risk of serious nuclear explosion.

Ooh Charlotte so angry on your behalf - being nice to reassure you but unsustainable? Who do our fws think they are??

Gaga you are so right about them being sad lonely men with only their remote for company. No wonder they sense they need us so badly, we're their only link to normality but they have to destroy whatever's good near them

Hi bertie! Lovely to see you and don't apologise for anything, isn't that against the rules on this thread

It's all part of my "assertiveness campaign", doncha know.

Ooh, can I cross that on the bingo card as using my counselling to attack me?!

charlotte I too am 'lazy', always sleeping etc... The fact that I pay all our bills, work, bring up kids, run house, well we don't have to justify on here, after all, that's the great thing about it. The Bingo card is such a great detching mechanism. After I was out of hospital and was very run down, FW laughed 'jokingly' about me having a rest in the afternoons on holiday (literally straight from hospital) and also got the kids to think it was funny to laugh at mum sleeping. They even took a picture of me asleep .

Charlotte, NSDH often used to sneer at me 'working' from home (ie he didn't think I was doing much), despite the face I was working 4-5hrs per day plus doing all the housework which was mainly mess made by NSDH and laundry and food shopping and most of the cooking (all while pregnant and suffering badly from SPD). When I was on maternity with DS2, he'd do the same, actually sneering at me at one point. Since I left, the house has been a complete and utter tip all the time, despite him being off work for seven weeks over the summer (so can't use 'being busy' as an excuse). He has (only half-jokingly) asked me to come back once a week as his cleaner.
So I can cross that one off too!

trying, something you said really resonated: they have to destroy whatever's good near them.
That strikes me as very true. I think sometimes that's part of why they abuse, that they can't bear that we are strong, giving women while they inside feel small and weak, so need to bring us down to the point where they can feel justified at being superior. I think that's why the first one on fool's list made so much sense - the idea that we are on a 'high' before we meet them. They were attracted to that because they crave to be like that. But they can't be, and so then they have to crush us so we can't keep reminding them of how rubbish they are themselves.
I've been thinking about all that in relation to NSDH's bulimia - he must have been feeling awful about himself every single day we were together, and so had to bring me down, put me down, get me under control so I was the mad one and he therefore felt less mad by association. None of it was about me, it was all about him trying to make himself feel better. Just like hilde's FW in that email.

Another bit of a ramble and a rant from me. I think I'm worse and wordier when I haven't had a drink! Does all that make any sort of sense? It sounded more 'together' in my head (doesn't everything?). Don't worry, I've got my counselling appointment in the morning, I'm obviously well needing it (all this bulimia has been rattling round for nearly a week now) so hopefully I should return in the afternoon all fully ranted out! Nite all!!

how wonderful to hear Pony - great to hear the word 'happy'! very inspiring, and you too trying or shall we in fact rename you flying.

Are you from the land of the 'furry boots' Pony? I thought I might still be able to understand that language, but no, gone straight over my head, but intrigued to be told what it means in English? ;)

FOOL I absolutely love your cartoon of walking on egg-shells - and the logo dare to be different (a opposed to fire or glass walking!) I would pay for a copy of that to hang with pride on my wall as part of my life once and this threads/friends/support in recognition of change and 'old' life as I dared to be different. I'd pay money to charity for that one, WA? Only the abused would probably reallly understand what it meant, but it could act as a sign (a contemporary take on the pampas grass of the 70's!!).

Lady what a great positive statement, another LANDMARK one for the wall!
A cartoon of lands end comes to mind with its famous sign posts fool maybe a series of them. If we'd been sponsored for all our combined egg-shell walking we'd be zillionaires (aw!, feel like I've lapsed back years in school!)

A better night here with very good fun with friends and careful chats and closeness. All quiet now, awaitng the next storm. Trying mentally to 'batten hatches'!

Crap. Ended up justifying myself - completely pointless, of course. He thinks it's fine to call me lazy and selfish, since I am. And if he was... blah blah.

Pony, do you believe your fw when he says he threw up every day? Or do you think he might do it and talk about it when he's really desperate for attention? I'm starting to think my fw is just too damaged to manage a relationship or family. He actually said tidying the hall is more important than playing with the children. :( He's all mopey now, drained of energy, because he just doesn't get what I've been saying. Makes me feel like the abusive one, of course... But I don't actually think I am this time.

pony you're not ranting OR rambling, you're talking great sense as always .

I am clearly mad - I have been staring at floorplaan for flat panicking where the hell I'll put the Xmas tree sad eh?!

Night night all, sweet dreams and strength to all. xxx

Happy Christmas Flying !!

Hello everyone,

Well I've not got the remote story, I have the music story.
Basically he loathes my music,he says he will crash the car if h has to listen to it. And because I am up with the baby h usuall drives. So we have to endure his electronic CDs ever trip, every holiday for hours. I can't wear my earphones as have to hear kids. If I do get to play anything there are certain forbidden CDs, then It has to be very very low. Oh and my personal favourite is he cant listen to anything he has heard before even though we hav listened to his ad infinitum.
This evening was supposed to go see friends, ten mins after leavn hous had to return as he could not manage baby.
Then he started stirring about my band as members also pay with other band. He got me believing they prefer other singer so I asked himmdid he like my voice and he said its 'workable' at times! He is incapable of positivity or praise.
Saw dr today who said back muscular skeletal but Lcould not explain numbness and tingling. It's drivin me nuts.
Maybe it's psycho somatic from stress. Also too scared as peopl e have said to admit t any mental ill health for fear of bein deemed unstable. After row two weeks ago when he called me nuts am actin perfectly sane.
He was very sweet yesterday but has been chipping away today an again it's nothing major but that death b a thousand cuts.

Ginga he laughed at my singing but the bbc seemed to like it, and others that I consider to be excellent singers, but it must be bad I guess cos he said so. I refused to tell him about performances that I used to go to, as I couldn't bear to sing in front of him and I would never practice around the house.

BTW numbness and tingling is only ever nerve involvement, which could be directly related to the source of the back issue, or can be (as I often have) over-tightening of muscles (yep, stress!). depends where it is (as a rule of thumb do tons of pelvic floors, as they are always good to do anyway, but they will help support your back too). I now have a 'dead' area on the top of one foot, which was directly related to untreated back condition (as they acknowledge now), but finding good back care is like finding hens teeth, and Drs are generally not good at it (get a recommendation of a fantastic chiropracter in your area). A good one will have you sorted in a couple or 3 sessions, so within a week (depending on what it is of course!), but will get you out of acute phase so that you can see if you have a chronic underlying condition. How you get help and get it sorted soon! xx

thats supposed to say 'hope' [you get help], not 'how' ,. doh!

Ginga I don't even know what music I like anymore as its so long since I chose any, he just puts on what he likes. God I sound like such a doormat!
Can't believe your H criticises your singing :( he should be so proud of you. Its such an obvious control tactic to undermine you and try and isolate you from your band members who might actually boost your self esteem and confidence.

I used to think that my Hs back-handed compliments/hurtful comments were just him being a bit socially inept and not understanding women (innocent lttle boy act) but now I don't believe that anymore. A major part of his job is using influencing skills on others, so he knows exactly how to get what he wants with words.

Not sure what your back problem is but I have a recurrent pain in my neck (literally as well as metaphorically) which is due to the muscles going into spasm and I am fairly certain its stress related, it keeps cropping up when I have problems with H.

Last year as I went through divorce I actually found I had changed my posture to more upright and grounded through the feet! Mind and body are a single system.

I have facial nerve pain...for years, much better now (would probably disappear completely if large hole swallowed up FW!)

Just wanted to say I'm still around, just no broadband for another week, so can't get on much due to eating up my mobile data allowance. Hugs (however un-mumsnetty) to all. About to get acrimonious here as I am seeing a solicitor mon.

There is no right or wrong here, hilde. Just an incongruous situation, no wonder you wanted to laugh.

At least he is doing his homework, though.

matchsticks hope your sol is good, it can be very empowering talking to sol.

Shriek, I have absolutely no idea where the land of the furry boots is!!!! But I'm in Scotland. The saying, in translation: What's for you will not go by you. In other words, if it's meant for you, it'll happen. I always think of it as a more positive version of 'it wasn't meant to be' - ie it's said when good things have happened, rather than when something hasn't happened that's been wanted. Glad you had a better night last night.

trying - I have to say, I've worried about the Christmas tree too! Funny what we get bogged down by. But anyway, mine will have to go on top of something, ie the sideboard, to stop Mr Destructo-Boy (aka DS2) from getting at it. So it'll be in the middle of the window, all twinkly, and be able to be seen from outside. I actually can't wait to put it up.

Charlotte, I do believe him about throwing up. Too many things have clicked into place for me with it. I did often see 'remnants' of him being sick in the bathroom, sometimes weekly, put it down to him drinking too much (again) and being too drunk to clear it up properly.
But you are not lazy. Don't believe him, I know the temptation is for a little part of you to believe it's true, what they say. You're not. At all. You sound pretty worn down by him at the moment.

Ginga, that's awful for him to say that to you about your singing. I want to say not to give him any opportunities like that, but it just shows that's not what a good, supportive partner does. (and agree with what *MrsOP said about it being deliberate to undermine you.) And to basically sabotage your night by pretending not to be able to manage the baby, just stinks. I also didn't listen to 'my' music around NSDH for fear of it being laughed at or criticised - but he used to listen to his at top volume. Of course.

hilde, I don't think there is any right, wrong or normal reaction to having something like that said to you. There's just what you feel. Maybe the urge to laugh is your unconscious way of coping with something you felt uncomfortable with - I went on a confidence course that suggested imagining those you were intimidated by in clown hair and a big red nose (or something ridiculous), so you were feeling like laughing rather than being scared of them. Bit like in Harry Potter with the Boggart. I used it on DS1's dad at the time (we were going through mediation and I was struggling to say what I felt), started laughing in the middle of him talking to me after mediation one day! He just looked a bit bemused...
Of course, maybe it was none of that, and it was just that he was being so pathetic that it really was laughable! I wonder what his homework was - I doubt, in giving him the homework of apologising to you, that he was meant to blurt it out like that. Something a bit more meaningful, maybe? But anyway, he's apologised to you now, so it's all in the past, forgive and forget, another tick in the 'things I need to do box' for FW, eh? Ahem. or maybe not.

Good luck with the solicitor, Matchsticks.

It's just a guess, but perhaps on the course they had to write down what they would say, and then the homework was to go and actually say it to you.

Your reaction is part of your healing and deciding process. Don't sweat it, just allow it to happen.

Gah - MN just ate a massive post!

Hilde give him as little as poss to argue with. Suggest you delete "- not for you or because you want to show how much you're changing. " as he may twist this to say you are having a go.

Had to share this one: my "D"H suggested this morning that to save petrol, I should walk the kids to the CM (30 min walk leaving at 7.30am) and get my work colleague to give me a lift from CMs house to work, and then do the same in the evening! Nice idea - not.

I said no, I?m not asking colleague to do that every day (is a detour from his route, would be quite a pisstake, I often need the car in the day for business travel etc). Occurred to me afterwards it wouldn?t be possible anyway because colleague finishes work later than me! But what a lovely H he is, wants me and the kids to get up and walk for 30 mins in the freezing cold and dark first thing in the morning, then repeat at the end of the day, getting home tired and hungry half an hour later and then having to cook tea, supervise homework etc etc.