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Got married a week ago - we are no longer speaking to each other(342 Posts)
I don't know if I'm being a bitch, or if DH is being unreasonable, or if things will improve. I'm so miserable right now and have no idea how to deal with everything. Apologies as this is going to be long.
So, got married to DP last weekend abroad, in his home country (don't want to say where as will out myself even more). He is from this country but has been in England for 12 years. I have a 10 year old DD, he has an 8 year old DS. We live in England but are currently staying at his sister's house, with her family, his mother and our children.
We got married here to save on costs - it would have been way more expensive getting married in England than here, and we wanted a low-key, family ceremony. My mother came over for the wedding, his family and a number of friends came from other areas of the country we're in. Most guests were all from his side.
So, I'd never met his sister before, nor stayed at her house. My mother, who is in her 70s and is beginning to suffer from memory problems caused by strokes came out here, not knowing anyone other than us. She paid for our flights as a wedding gift, contributed towards lots of other things and paid for her flights too (well over a thousand pounds).
DH's sister had done all the organisation - we had communicated before coming out by phone and email. I'd said we had very little money and had tried to reiterate that we wanted things to be simple. DH's father had said he's pay for the Reception.
Anyhow, first few days here were hectic - I'd been booked in for hair, nails, facial etc (none of which I'd asked for but person doing it was a friend of DH's sister so I didn't question it). Ceremony itself was lovely. Then things have gone rapidly downhill since.
My mother (who was only here for a week, for the wedding) hates sitting around doing nothing - she likes to be active, going to places, doing things (gardening, doing dishes - anything at all, rather than sitting around). Nonetheless , she fell in with plans, tried to be cheerful. DH's family organised endless socialising - lots of food, drink, BBQs etc. Anyway, on the Tuesday I'm presented with an invoice from DH's sister for a significant amount that was totally unexpected. I'd thought that DH's dad was paying for the Reception - turns out that this covered just a meal and no alcohol, snacks or anything like that. Then I'd been billed for facials, pedicures etc that I'd not wanted.
I asked DH to check about Reception costs - he refused. All week he's been doing whatever his sister or mother have suggested and has ignored anything I've wanted to do. I spoke to my mother about the invoice and I was very upset as the costs were totally over what I'd expected to pay - there had been no warning that we were suddenly going to be thousands of pounds out of pocket. DH's sister then called me into her room, since she saw I was upset, and then proceeded to lecture me, shout at me and say that my attitude was 'sickening' when I said that I thought her father was paying for Reception (which in my understanding would be food and drinks for the day following the ceremony). DH took his sister's side in all of this. My mother and I were in tears for the evening and my mother then flew back the next day as planned. My mother told DH's sister that she would cover the costs when she got back to England. In the meantime, DH wrote a cheque to his sister covering the amount, from money in his bank account that had been set aside to pay off the cost of my engagement ring. So, essentially, I'm now contributing towards the cost of my ring from our UK joint account.
The rest of the week has been fairly fraught. I'm in a house with all of DH's family and only my DD from my side. DH's son is autistic so being around him 24/7 is difficult - at home he's with his mother half the time or at school, so easier to deal with. DH has been telling me to get my mother to pay the money. I asked why it was my mother that should pay and not his father. He said that my mother had got off 'pretty lightly' in terms of costs and that she should pay. I disagree.
To make matters worse, all his family and I and DD are off together for our 'honeymoon' that his mother has organised. This is her gift to us. Frankly, and I may be being a totally ungrateful bitch here, I can think of nothing less 'honeymoon' like than being with his family and our children for four days in the same place, sharing a room with the children.
All I want to do is go back to England but of course have to stick it out. I hate that DH hasn't supported me in any of this and that he's being so horrible to my mother, who's given us so much, is suffering from the effects of mini-strokes, who flew all the way here to celebrate and is being kicked in the teeth for it. DH is out with his family now and I'm at home, avoiding everyone and feeling totally miserable. I can't see the woods for the trees, am utterly fed up, tearful and wondering how the hell things go from here. I have no idea if things can be salvaged. I just feel like a complete failure.
I haven't got any amazing advice but didn't want to read and run. Sounds like a nightmare situation to me esp the honeymoon. Sooner you get back to your life in UK the better. I think it's really cheeky to have charged you for things unexpectedly, especially after you get telling them to keep it simple and low cost.
Wow he sounds a bit of an arse TBH. Especially wrt to thinking your mum has got off lightly.
He is bang out of order. His sister is a rude jerk- berating you like that! and I'm not surprised you want to go home. They are being ridiculous and unreasonable.
To be honest he and his family sound completely dysfunctional.
His family have ganged up on you and your mum - and I particularly don't like the way he's siding with them!
No, that's not a honeymoon if all his family are going too!
All feels a bit scary to me.
I hope you can stay strong and not allow these people to push you around.
With hindsight it should have been agreed before setting out. What conversations did you have around money? Was it not even mentioned?
Yes being around an autistic child 24/7 is hard but sort of part of the deal really.
The honeymoon sounds a nightmare. What does DH think? A second one in 5 years, or a cheap weekend away a possibility on return?
I would be on the first plane out of there no way would I be sucking it up.
Oh dear, this looks like one of those situations where someone arranges something for someone else, neither party has discussed in detail the actual intricacies of the arrangment (i.e. the exact actual budget, who exactly is paying for what in detail etc etc). Then it all ends in tears.
I think you should take the moral high ground, suck up the "honeymoon" with goodgrace, thank SIL for her hard work and then fly home and put it behind you.
Your DH should man-up and should have stuck up for you but, alas, some men don't have the balls when it comes to family.
How long have you been with him? Has he behaved like this before? Were the plans not discussed beforehand? Sorry I am just aghast for you, you poor thing of course you want to come home.
"I would be on the first plane out of there no way would I be sucking it up"
To be honest I would too. Seriously.
That sounds awful. I'd be on the first plane home leaving 'D'H to enjoy his honeymoon with his family. While he's around them, I doubt you'll get anything resolved, so you're probably best making a run for it and then having it out with him when he gets home.
Agree with comewhinewithme- l would be on the first plane home to the UK with or without DH. He seems to have made his choice is siding with his family. To be honest he sounds horrible as do his family.
Let him make another choice, what is more important to him OP you or his family. Let him stay and go on honeymoon with them or go home with you. That will show you just where his priorities lie.
I feel so so sorry for you mum, she sounds lovely
Could it be that emotions are running very high at the moment? All squashed together and no room to breathe?
So many family events can end up in rows. Think of Christmas, so many people end up having an awful time when it should be a happy day.
Is there anyway you can get away for a day on your own with your DD? How is she coping with it?
I am so sorry for you. It sounds like a horrible situation.
In terms of money, his father had said he was paying for the Reception. I guess we should have clarified what Reception actually meant, since it turns out to be something totally different from what I'd thought.
Things like hair and makeup on the day, bridesmaid's dresses etc I had budgeted for.
I'm trying to put on a brave face. His sister though is 20 years older than me and so dominating - she tells you what to do and any opinion you express is ignored. I think that's what's really upset me too - the fact that any of the plans and ideas I had were overruled by her. DH said that we either did everything her way, or we got our own wedding planner. Apparently I couldn't organise things from the UK as I didn't know enough about where the wedding was taking place (something I disagree with as am very organised).
I really, really hate how DH supports everything his sister says or does, but doesn't stand up for me. I'm just grateful we live on a different continent.
But, I'm trying to take the moral high ground, smile and be polite to his family. But he and I aren't talking and I really don't know if this is something that we can get past.
We've been together for almost two years.
I can't get away with DD as his sister lets DH drive her car but not me. I wish I could just jump on the first plane back to the UK but unfortunately our flights are non-refundable and non-transferable, so I'm stuck here (but we leave on Thursday thank God).
Under no circumstances should you allow your mum to give his family anymore money. And I'm afraid I agree with those saying they'd get the first plane out - I would not tolerate being treated like this by the man who ia supposed to treasure, adore, respect and LOVE me! I'm afraid I don't see a happy anding for you
A honeymoon with his family in tow and your children sharing your room is not a honeymoon! It is about as far removed from a honeymoon as I can imagine.
You poor thing. Sounds a horrible situation for you and the whole money thing just horrendous.
Yes, the cost of things should have been fully established before you went out there and your FIL's offer to pay for the reception questioned, so you knew exactly what it was going to cover. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I don't always think that a someone should back his partner unconditionally, regardless of whether she is right or wrong. But in this case your DH should at the very least be supporting you and trying to find an agreeable solution.
What does your Mum think you should do? I think it's totally unfair to give you treatments that you have not asked for then shout at you when you question paying for them. It's maybe a cultural thing but I would not stay to be treated like this. My advice is go home with DD as soon as you can get a flight and spend some time with your Mum. What a bunch of bastards
You could go straight to the airport and buy yourself a ticket home.
The way I see it - you need to make a stand.
You're not going to be bullied by his sister and you EXPECT his loyalty.
I'm glad that I'm not the crazy one in terms of the honeymoon. A number of friends and colleagues raised their eyebrows when I told them that the honeymoon en-famille was his mother's gift to us. Also, the reason that his mother chose that specific place was that she lived there long ago and DH's sister was born there, so she wants to go and see what it's like now.
Thank God for mumsnet. Think I'd be even more of a nervous wreck by now if I couldn't vent on here.
wow. they can't force you to pay. I would refuse.
OK. Deep breaths. I don't really think there's any easy way to rectify this situation. Obviously you know not to hand over control to his nightmare family in future! To be honest, once you're back in the UK it the family don't really matter too much, you can just be terribly busy anytime a visit is arranged and send him off himself. In the meantime if you're for staying stop holing up in your room, try and get out there and enjoy your holiday!
The more serious issue here is the lack of support from your new H. It should be obvious to him that arranging things you hadn't asked for and then presenting you with a bill was unreasonable. Do they have the impression you're rich and expected and could pay for this stuff? Tell him you're lonely. That you didn't ask for all this stuff that's been arranged, and you're upset both by the big unexpected bill, and all the more by his lack of support.
If he refuses to support you and work with you, to try and help, if he isn't your partner, then I'm afraid I'd be very seriously questioning whether getting married was the right thing at all, personally. In fact I'd probably be on a flight home right now! You don't "have" to stay for this treatment at all. You don't "have" to stay married, you could have it annulled, it's your choice.
Trust me, if I had the money I would be on a plane. But I don't. So have to stick it out.
My poor mother was in tears all the last night here. I've been talking to her on the phone since she got back to England. She just says how sorry she is for me and how she misses me and that she's happy to pay if it smoothes things over.
My mother understands that I was questioning treatments I'd not asked for but had been booked for me. And similarly stuff regarding the Reception.
DH just says that his sister worked so hard to organise it all that questioning anything is rude, disrespectful and ungrateful.
I really don't think your mother should pay but by the sound of it she will to ease the stress for you.
Such as anful situation and one that you and your new husband won't be able to discuss properly until you are back home.
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