Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Hi romney - thanks for the advice. Feel/felt that I am/was getting there before today's blip.....hope you are doing well.....

Could you just not talk to him about it at all? Cut him off mid-sentance, say you don't give a shit it's none of your business? It would be so much better for you if you could avoid those conversations altogether. See and talk to him only the absolute bare minimum.

Nice man. Do you think she fell for that 'my gf doesn't understand me, we don't have sex, haven't done so for 2 years shite'?

Lucky her coming over from the US to a dingy dumpy bedsit to live with the man of her dreams.

Ooh be prepared for the wanker PiL to think she is absolutely amazing, the best thing since sliced bread etc and for him to up his game and become Mr Housework & Father extraordinary.

Can you practise laughing at him (not in DS's presence)? And making the rejoinder that actually, it was him who took his "eye off the ball" and wasn't meeting your needs? That you have spent the time wisely and well since you separated and have clearer memories of the unsatisfying sex and failure to meet your needs?

That you feel liberated from some counselling you have been receiving (don't have to say it's us) and have learnt that what unfaithful men never realise is that all the time their "eye is off the ball" and on some daft OW's unsustainable attractions, they become shit lovers and husbands?

Please start re-fraiming this (and telling him) that he wasn't good enough for you and will never be good enough now. That you know there will be plenty of men out there who wouldn't have to try very hard to surpass him and you're looking forward to meeting them?

I'd move right away from this arse and call his bluff. And have a good giggle at how uncomfortable OW will be when she has to stay with his parents, a ghastly undertaking you will mercifully never have to make again.

Most of all, reverse this all on to him and disabuse him of any notions that he has a golden cock.

wwifn has been taken over by the ghost of AnyFucker

And Custardo methinks....

with a touch of sgb in there too

and expat

Bless expat. Her one post on the RB thread was 'if anyone did that to me I would divorce the fucker' (or words to that effect). She was absolutely right

Well the skunk slunk back - have told him (yep, told him - am getting to grips with this whole confidence and detachment thing!) that he can pick up DS from nursery on Mon and Weds and take him back to his house. He will bring him back here for his bed (as mentioned, we will literally be doing handover on the doorstep). He will also do the nursery runs on the following mornings of having DS with him, so Tues am and Thurs am, though surprise, surprise, he cant do Thurs as he is off to London.....what the heck would he do in the 'real' world? Let him off this time (I know, can hear you all groaning, but will tell him that he has to start factoring in care for DS as he is a single parent now also).

Xales - I wish he was living in a bedsit dump! He is a 3 bed house round the corner (paying £700+ on rent alone). It is tiny, but I can already hear him and her putting their beady heads together and working out that something has to give for them to buy their dream home/live their dream lives, blah, blah.....have to admit, its at times like this that I am sooooo glad I have a good job again. Hard work, yes (well, first week wasnt), but, I am very, very lucky....I know he has been playing the 'I am a good dad card' to her and everyone/anyone that cares to listen. His fav latest saying is 'DS is my sole priority' (one up on 'DS is my top priority'). Though the muppet STILL has to go to Tescos every night/every other night to get his dinner in and he only has to plan food for himself! What will become of DS??!!

sufficient - yes, employed that tactic this afternoon when he brought DS back from an afternoon play. I didnt even mention the lunchtime incident again and only interacted with DS. Next week should be an eye-opener. I have to admit, when he was away in the US, a few weeks ago, aside from his insane request to phone twice a day and text to ask what we were doing, it was bliss not having him around. Ditto for last Sunday when he was at his corporate event - I was dying from the lurgy and it was my last 'day off' with DS, but it was fantastic without him being on the scene.....

WWIFN - agreed! I do usually just shake my head when he drones on (though have been known to cry as I struggle to comprehend how he can re-write history to such a degree to fit his needs/story). But will try the laughing/smiling...when he came back this afternoon, he tried to start in on my about how I only see things through my prisim (no, dont get it either) and how most of my actions are not for DS' benefit, but actually for mine.....just said 'thats fine' 'okay' in a very neutral voice before leaving...un-nerved him a bit as he said 'well, you cant just say thats fine and okay'.....can and did....
I have to admit that I have avoided saying the whole 'you will never be good enough for me' or 'i will never take you back' lines as was a bit hesitant...Strange, as I know that in my heart of hearts, I couldn't take him back - the lies, crap treatment, vileness etc has just been too much. But I think, looking back, that with each 'gate' that has been passed, I was half-expecting him to come round and say, 'actually, I have made the biggest mistake of my life. Please forgive me etc'. When I say gates, I mean the big things like him moving out, the house going on the market, me getting a job etc. Things have been confused also as he has shown a lot of emotion as these gates have come and passed, but really, I know for all the text messages and tears that really he has/is making a choice to stay with her, help or encourage her move over here etc......As everyone has been telling me, its best to put these two to bed and let them get on with their lives and me, with mine...

I have also decided to move his stuff out of the wardrobe in our bedroom as need the space for my new work togs (the shame of it - still cant fit into my old pre-DS work clothes, though the weight is shifting.....) and also DS clothes for the week ahead. I had stupidly asked him to move his stuff earlier last week and he asked me, 'why? they (clothes) aren't bothering you are they?'. Ummpphh, yes, they bleedin' well are! Have black bags ready for tomorrow morning - he probably wont even notice as they do look like older clothes from what I can see....He also has a ton of stuff in his old beside cabinet......

ps: yes, I never have to spend another blinkin minute with his PITA dad (his mum isn't so bad)

Hope his mum gives floozy a hard time then.

Can you pack up all his stuff for him to take? Don't let him in to pack it up - if he misses anything, take it to the charity shop (he can buy it back).

(How can he say 'why? they aren't bothering you are they?' like he's got a foot in both camps. He is making this so easy for himself, gradually easing himself in to his new life, whilst having not the slightest tolerance for your massive adjustment, which puts his into the shade. )

You're doing swimmingly Dee - well done

dee, I take my hat off to you x

Started reading this 2nite D but too late to finish just now but punching the air for you all the way.
So much here relevant to my own tosser X(although he ticks so many boxes on this topic I think he is going for some sort of prize Down the road a bit longer myself Oct '09 but only really finding out the truth/timeline this year because of all the gaslighting(huge fucking lies) involved.
But you can't keep a good woman down ,aint that the truth .
These blokes are fucking muppets the lot of them.
ps i agree with the poster that said the hard facts about these situations are that while we are picking ourselves up and completely in shock and heartbroken ,we are still looking after the kids and they are living with an "all over the place mum"
I thank everyone on MN especially the DUMPLING squad that helped me keep it together for my kids.I will always be grateful for the wise and compassionate words people posted.

didnt mean ur an "all over the place mum"
D
Just meant I sure had my moments ........

loving your work dee
dh left stuff here for ages-cheeky sod,eventually i decided the waedrobe space would be handy so bagged it up and asked him to collect it,5 days later it went to a charity shop.He asked for his suits a=months later and i casually told him,what could he say?i reckon they leave stuff as they cant quite go completely.I love watching women evolve on these threads and the puzzlement of the men as they do so.

Hi Dee

Calling in again to say well done so far (doing much better than I in a shorter space of time) and also to commiserate/roll eye balls about some of the phrases that you ex is coming out with - mine is doing similar and it makes me want to punch him (in my imagination that is). Current favourite are "DS is the most important person in my life. I am doing his (leaving us) so I can live my passions and he can be proud of me" .....ummmmmm. To me (it is all my fault apparantly) he tells me "you were asleep at the wheel of our marriage" and "you took your eye of the ball" (of course)...he also says that DS will benefit as he will be pleased to have a happy father (DS was 2.5 when he left, DH had appeared happy (or was pretending) and I think DS would have been happier if he had stayed and not sobbed most mornings screaming for cuddles from daddy as he did for weeks and 6 months later still does at times. DH until recently has refused to acknowledge any of this has and will have an effect on DS despite me talking to him asking him to go to family counselling so we can deal with it the best for DS....then last week he said in a conversation about something I said "well that contradicts the parenting books I have read"...I asked which have you read, he responded "umm i can't remember the names"...yeah right...what makes me angry is the sanctimonious way they talk about acting in the best interests of their child when in fact they are operating in the best interests of themselves and themselves alone and that I have to deal with the fall out.....hey ho...anyway sympathies as just wanted you to know I totally get your frustration and anger.

Well done Dee :)

Mine will have been gone 2 weeks today and all his stuff is in bin bags in our damp cellar. Not sure what he's going to with it as he's crashing at parents/mates at the moment but at least it's out the way and I'm resisting the urge to sort it out for him (ie organise a lock up, drive it to a friend's garage) - I must get out of the habit of trying to make his life easier.

At least he hasn't said that our children should be happy for him because he's so happy (not yet, anyway). That is an unbelievable thing to say. There's a song by Everclear called Father of Mine, about a dad who walked out on his children, which is probably more how they'll feel about him!

Who knows, we've just got to look after our DCs now and make them feel as loved and as safe as possible. Lots of hugs and strength to everyone.

gosh suff thats early days,well done,you are well on the rd now,have you got a goal?nice holiday.night out?

those song lyrics are so poignant, suff

ledkr, it is kind of early days, but kind of not as I found out about the affair 4 months ago. So was living with the knowledge that it might not work out for that long, had looked up benefits etc already. So when it was confirmed that H was still lying to me and seeing OW things moved v quickly. My goal at the moment is coping with 3 DCs under 6!

Peter I know :( Have always liked that band and song but has a new meaning now.

(Sorry Dee, not taking over your thread!)

Hi - working full-time has been an eye-opener....cant believe it was only in 2008 when I stopped working to go on maternity leave and I did go back part-time, but full-time.....phew, am knackered by 3pm every day and skivving to the ladies for a crafty sit down in peace!....hopefully will get myself in a good routine in the next few weeks and ramp up the old energy levels.....

I am working hard at the detachment now. Told ex about the new plan of access, and has worked okay tonight. He picked up DS from nursery, took him back to his, gave him his bath there (though they walked back round to mine in the cold - muppet) and then brought him home. We did the handover on the doorstep, was so keen to get him out and door closed that I forgot to ask how DS' day had been at nursery, so phoned him. Think this was a bad move (nothing said) only in as much as I contacted him, when really, it could have waited until tomorrow morning.....

misereremel - thanks, though it often seems like I am swimming against a very strong current and flailing about in the waves....I now know why the whole detach, detach, detach process is so key....I definitely avoided this in the beginning, maybe partly to hold onto my old life and let ex see what he was throwing away, but also because, I cant bear the idea of being apart from my DS and sending him off to spend time with his dad and bloody Ms San Fran....I will get there though!

Patience - I agree 100%. I dont think these blokes (and ladies) have a clue what they are doing and the confusion they are inflicting. They just storm off and follow their dicks hearts and we pick up the pieces and when they come along and see DC are starting to adjust and that the impact has been minimal, it's all 'see, I told you it wouldn't be that too bad' or 'see, DC are bearing up well'....hmmm, funny that, guess our time, patience, love and sheer investment in our children's futures and well-being had nothing to do with it...they really do take the hob-nob at times...

ledkr - I'll give him a few more weeks of stuff being in the spare bedroom before shifting them to the garage. He hasn't/wont even notice. He was definitely playing the two camps card (see my post last weekend regarding leaning in for a kiss....to be followed up this weekend, by big announcement that OW is coming next week for 2.5 weeks! Talk about crazy.... ).

Downunderdolly - it is shocking how they all recite the same bile from their scripts. They must think that they are so unique, but they haven't a clue that they are pretty much the same as any low-life cheating knob (sorry, on a roll today in terms of ex bashing!). Our stories (and the crap sayings of the men) are so similar it is scary. I dont listen to any more of his 'DS is my sole priority' nonsense. If he was his sole/top/main priority, then maybe he would have considered how having this woman hanging around on our doorstep for 2.5 weeks is beneficial for DS? He knows how I feel about any introductions before she moves here, so has basically compromised his access to DS for a few extra nights nookie on tap. And all this on the back of his being away to go and see her for 6 nights, what, two weeks ago??! Madness. I do sometimes wonder at the strangeness of it all (dumping us for someone he barely knows and who lives on the other side of the world, but I am fast seeing that for him, it seems to be a lot about sex (guess they must really pack it in when they visit each other). quite pathetic really, but there you go!....I do keep in mind the wise words uttered here that they do feel remorse, regret etc, but that ideally by then, I/we will have moved on so much that it just doesn't matter.....gosh, wouldn't that be such a great feeling?! We will get there!

PeterAndre - hello!! I have seen you about these parts and good to get your input!

sufficient - hope you are doing well after the shock of the last two weeks. You are doing fantastically well (still need to get all my last finance bits in place). Go girl! (sorry for the cheesey pun!)

x

guess they must really pack it in when they visit each other

oi! stop that! You don't know what is happening and to imagine it will only torture you. I know it's hard not to but at least have a go. His knob may have fallen off anyway.

springydaffs - I know, I know.....slapped wrists... . That is one of my big things that I need to overcome; I am prone to over-analysing things to the nth degree.....gosh, how I wish is all powerful willy has dropped off......!

Just got a text message from him, which has reminded me about how/why it can be hard to detach from these men - they dont want you to detach from them for whatever reason. Am probably over-analysing - again - ducks for cover - but I wont bother replying...quite a neutral message, asking how DS went down to sleep, but he never sends such a message (or hasn't done in a while, think he did in the beginning?) and I barely spoke 5 words to him as we did handover on the doorstep.....I will keep strong and wont text back. As has been said, he chose to exit family life here, why should he be allowed to dip in and as when he feels like it??????

Oh you are doing well Dee. You are amazing you really are!

You can see exactly what he is doing. He doesn't like you not being upset and all 'why why I love you' so sends subtle little texts to remind you he is gods gift and to keep you interacting.

Well done on not replying.

Thanks Xales - resisted replying (surprisingly not that hard!!).

He has just left - had DS ready on the doorstep (inside the house of course) when he came round for another swift handover. He then grumbled about how he would only be seeing DS for 10 mins today on morning nursery run until tomorrow evening when he does the pick-up....said, yep, thats right, you have chosen this etc etc. He then grumbled some more about how we weren't doing proper joint access yet anyway, said, yep, again, because of his choices! For background, he is not having DS overnight just yet - plan was to build this up bit by bit, but of course now he has a guest staying for 2.5 weeks from next week, it sort of interrupts that plan (but apparently thats not a big issue, according to ex. Ho-hum....).

Anyway, vent over - off to work now and to focus on a positive day ahead!