Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

I think he does it because not many normal decent women really would think much of a man who does sweet fuck all with the child they profess to love and adore above all else apart from themselves and their own cocks.

Image is all to this man. He has set a certain image to the stupid girl whe fell for it and so he has to maintain awesome dad status until she is as trapped as you were.

Dee, well done on dealing with another body-blow from your ex. Everytime you get knocked back, you stand yourself back up again, and that has to be commended.

I however have a different point of view on your DS going to his father's wedding to the whole of MN it seems!

Whilst I do think your ex is a twat of the highest order, he is also DS' father, and if he really wants him at his wedding & is prepared to suffer the consequences of that - dealing with a toddler on a flight, and in a holiday destination which is not child friendly at all (most of the casinos don't like to have children in at all) then you should let him go.

I have seen lots of posts on MN about ex's who have run off and started new lives and not given their DCs a backward glance, to the extent of not inviting them to their weddings, and the hurt this has caused - you must remember in future years your DS may ask you why you didn't let him go to his own dad's wedding, and he may as a result feel that you have tried to drive a wedge between him and his father (even though we all know that's not the case) as weddings are a big deal in any family.

By all means insist on seeing return tickets, insist on skype/ other contact whilst they're away, and put a time limit on how long he can go for, but do think about how you would feel if you (as you sooo deserve) met a wonderful man and decided to get married, but because it was your ex's contact day he refused to let your DS attend.

You've been through such a lot, and this is only my opinion so feel free to ignore, but you are the bigger person here, so please think carefully about the decision you are making.

Oh, and I definatly agree about changing your son's surname to include yours, excellent idea.

Hi MajorBoo - thanks for the reply. He actually started backtracking yesterday and saying that 'no, he didn't want to take DS to US at this point* really, but, instead, he would like to take him away on holiday somewhere in the UK'. This is more acceptable to me really. Ex has never had responsibility for DS by himself for more than 2 nights (and he was talking 7 nights here, whene he has not even taken a single days A/L to spend with DS since last year and that was when we were together and I organised something or other.....DS has only ever had days off from nursery when I have taken A/L and I have asked ex to take him out of nursery until I just cant be bothered anymore) and yes, think the novelty of having DS on holiday will be hit hard with the reality that he will now be the one getting up at 5.30am to play/entertain him as I had to do when we were on hols, because ex 'deserved a break/lie-in'.....I think that even if he had insisted on wanting to take DS to US, I would still have been against it tbh (hope people dont flame me!). If he wanted DS to be that much a part of his big day, they could have got hitched here and then done another ceremony/honeymoon there (I have no problems with DS being at a wedding per se as like you say, always try and think what I would want in return, should I ever be lucky enough to find someone else). I just dont have any trust in him at all (he could have said that he was getting married when he first emailed on Monday, instead, I had to guess and then he played dumb for x mins skirting around it. Also, I am guessing that this isn't just a sudden thought - he could easily have mentioned it weeks ago.....instead, I get 3 weeks notice...sounds fishy to me). Even if DS was 10, or older, then a different ball-game, but I do think he's only 3 and I dont expect for 1 minute that ex would let him come to harm, but I dont think he would even imagine for 1 second what it would be like for DS, or, even what this would mean for their honeymoon/holiday.

I do hope that I am seeing this from DS' point of view, but I dont think it is in his (DS') best interests to go there. By all means if there is a family celebration in the UK (here or Scotland) then of course I would expect DS to go, but this just smacks of a bit of......I dont know, as if he was just testing the water/flexing his good dad muscles a bit. A bit like what Xales said I think. I dont know what he would have done/said if I had said 'yes' on Monday to DS going away on a 'holiday'...maybe then he would have revealed it was a wedding/honeymoon, knowing I would kick off at that and then said no and he could have heaved a sigh of relief......

• now says he doesn't want to take him at this point, but would like to take him there for holidays in the future/when DS is older.....

MajorBOO, it might be the case if the wedding was in the hotel up the road but this is in the USA and the child is 3 (I think) so a whole different ball game. Dee's DS won't know about or understand the concept of the wedding or have a memory of it I doubt (most 1st memories occur at 3 and my earliest memories are of the traumtic kind eg injuring myself badly).

And most of all, we must not foget that Dee's ex is a consummate liar, deceiver and manipulator and I, for one, would not let him take my child out of the country until he can prove he can be trusted (by his future actions).

Keep strong Dee and FWIW I think they probably need to get married for her to stay in this country. My Dsis dodgy internet date (see further upthread - criminal conviction for soliciting) was pressing for them to get married asap to get a visa.

Sorry, a bit garbled.....was trying to say that since DS has been in nursery full time since March, ex has not taken 1 days leave to spend with DS (plenty has gone on his own holidays and boys long weekends away and camping holidays). I was allowed to start taking A/L in June and have been trying to eeek out the pro-rata days to give DS a bit of a break...I know he can do what he likes with his leave, but again, another grate that the first time he wants to take him out of nursery and spend A/L with him was to go on this 'phantom' honeymoon ('phantom' as I now seriously do not think he wanted to take DS there....).

But, Boo - I do hear your point about putting DS first, so will suck it up and pour myself a large glass of red as and when ex calls from the desert. It is not DS' fault that any of this has happened and he still deserves to speak to his Dad whilst he is away, honeymoon or not, so I will do my bit to make this happen.

Just go with ur gut Dee until ur X comes out of this phase he is in and he might never,u cant trust him,DO WHAT YOU LIKE AND LIKE WHAT YOU DO,suit urself cos he has.

Well it seems as if your ex has given his own response to my post with his recent backtrack - he doesn't really want his own son at his wedding, as he isn't prepared to put in the additional effort of being a father during a wedding/honeymoon.

I probably didn't word my previous post very well (DCs kept interrupting so I didn't explain as well as I could have done). I wasn't saying "suck it up Dee", rather trying to say "give him enough rope and he'll hang himself", or if by some bizarre miracle he's trying to be a better man then let him demonstrate it.

A good father who genuinely wants his child with him on his wedding day deserves to have them there, but we can see that's not the case with your ex, but that decision should fall on his shoulders not yours.

I'm still not explaining this very well, but if he says "I want DS at my wedding" and you say "ok, I think it's right that a son attends his own parent's wedding" it's then up to your ex to show his true colours and say "no actually I don't want DS there, and I've made it far too difficult for him to attend by going to the states, to the most unchild-friendly location, with a different time-zone, and no preparation for DS to get used to being with me for more than a day or so." Then the decision for DS to stay with you and for twat-ex to renege on even more of his parental responsibility is clearly his.

I would have put money on him never taking your DS to LV, even if you'd handed him over on a silver platter (so to speak!) as your ex would see being a father on holiday as spoiling his fun. He just wants to be able to say in future years "son, I so wish you could have been at our wedding but your mother wouldn't allow it."

I think you're right, he was flexing his dad muscles with this request, and sometimes you need to be the grass that bends with the wind, rather than the tree that fights against it, as when all his hot air dies down you'll stand tall, and won't be snapped and broken - god I'm talking a lot of cr*p today, but in brief I'm sending positive vibes your way.

Me again!

Boo - sorry, that was me telling me to suck it up! . I had a slight wobble this morning thinking about phone calls whilst he is on his honeymoon and that I didn't want to do it. But, really, I dont want to deny DS contact with his dad (though he barely says anything on the phone to him and still bats it away sometimes, though, he is 3 and does this to me sometimes) and what I took away from your post was that I didn't want to be the person that was blocking things or for DS to ask me difficult questions in the future, though still ensuring that things are agreed around DS' welfare first and foremost. And now, I am not feeling quite so icky about him calling whilst on his honeymoon - though may be a different case in 3 weeks time! Maybe because I am in 'control' as opposed to letting the situation control me (i.e. waiting it out until nearer the time when ex lays demands on the table and me reacting and things getting heated.....). I think I am chilling out a bit more now.....

counting - thanks. He has said in the past that they were getting married as she has visa issues. He said this on the Friday (IIRC) before she came on the Monday. Has always sounded fishy to me as she transferred with her company as they have London offices as well as offices in SF, so they would have done all the paperwork, secured visas etc. She didn't just roll up with no job and the prospect of marrying ex as her only option.....I suspect it is because they are either marrying for some crazy romantic reason (and dont want to tell anyone in case they poo-poo on their parade or put them off) or she needs to get a different type of visa that would allow her to change jobs. My sisters partner knows about this and said something about how the visa she has is most probably linked to the job she is in, so she cant move or get a better paying job (ex was pleading poverty around maintenance as she will only be on 35k, 'which isn't a lot for London, Dee34'..not sure how this was my problem or business. But guess it isn't a lot when he winds up paying for the bulk of things...). If she is married to a UK citizen she can get another visa or something and be free to apply for any other higher paying (or god forbid, local) job. But, not my problem and haven't thought about reasons since he made original announcement.

patience - forgot to say, I am doing a non-res boot camp! Lots of time and space to focus on getting out some agression and energy (we do some boxing moves). This was a big saviour on Wednesday evening after ex's news that day and then coming back to an empty house (DS stays over with ex). Yes, most definitely feeling more capable to suiting myself these days.....just need to keep up the detachment and avoid any stray emotives from him.....

Yep you dont have to answer to anyone ,you parent your child as you see fit on that particular day and then u move onto the next day,if i worried about everything my x and his gf said about me i wouldnt have made it Dee,this has got nothing to do what anyone else thinks ,its ur movie,ur the leading lady,u decide the script,ur the star ,start believing it ,it makes it all so much easier xxx

Hi Lovey

Just calling in to say hi. You've had great advice so don't have too much more to add other than confirming that I think that its right that DS doesn't go to wedding in this particular set of circumstances. As you say, if your ex had really wanted him there he would have asked much much earlier and had made provisions for him over there. He is too little to remember and very different if he had been aged 5+ etc in terms of his memory but he won't remember so unlikely to be impactful.

I would also add/concur that its probably a good time to sort out 'official' contact arrangements. I'm not sure how things work in UK but we have a comprehensive agreement which is 'voluntary' but lodged in court....as its voluntary it isn't technically legally enforced but deviation from it would mean that we would have to go to court and sort 'officially' if it changes. It allows for common sense re holiday/birthdays/mother day/fathers day all three of our birthdays but has clauses in it that says if we dont' agree we get x days, x hours etc......never thought we would need this but currently not a bad thing as we are in a bad place but hopefully become more redundant as time goes by....am sure which ever new solicitor you have will be on top of things but PM me if you'd like a copy as a template.

From what you right I dont' think you ex is in immediate danger of absconding with DS to the US but sadly you never know so you need to protect yourself accordingly just in case. More difficult to insist upon but given he will be married you also need to try and 'guide' him in relation to his will etc to make sure there are sensible clauses for DS. By this I mean that (obviously god forbid....or at least on charitable days) that if say your ex and his ow/wife were in a car/plane/any accident together and say he dies first but then she dies a few days later that his $$ doesn't go to her and then her relatives IYSWIM....ie make sure he has a proper lawyer draw up agreeement re his estate and future children to make sure DS properly protected. Horrid to think of but even more awful if something awful happened and he was exposed.....

Plodding along here... DS a little frustrated but have coopted his kindy to talk to ex about the family counselling (ie how to deal with DS) as he hates to look the 'bad guy' so may listen to them if not me...have no real desire to sit in same room as him but even if he goes separtely and DS benefits will be a result. Had bizarre email exchange recently re garden implements (just when you think you can't scrape barrel more). Essentially house reduced by 100 K ouch but awful market here....anyway he won't fix our gardening stuff or now do anything. I have got young guy to do instead. Asked him to pay half ....he says OK but tell me is he using own equipment or ours. I say he is using dads but nice dad is fixing ours. He then sends legally worded email to say that our gardening things need professional repairs, should not be repaired by layman, DS is in danger being around possibly faultily reparied lawnmover and how dare I???? seriously??? WTF?? they are not gas/rocket propelled.....he has refused to pay for proper repairs, I can't....BIZARRE......hey ho....

Huge kisses Dolly xxx

context...house is now having open days so garden needs to look nice....

JUST DONE SOMETHING VERY, VERY SILLY...........

Went to circuit training this morning, class is near a friend who lives on old housing estate. She invited me for a coffee/walk after class. Said yep and proceeded to drive over there....

At a random junction, a black car was pulling up...just as the car in front of me stopped for a moment. I turn my head to the left and see ex and new gf in the front, laughing and chatting (and she is texting). Ex clocks me and waves at me....She looks up from her phone and.....I lost it. I looked at her/him/them and slowly mouthed some unpleasant words. I then drove off....

30mins later, text from ex 'dee34, that was highly inappropriate this morning. did it make you feel better?'. Needless to say, I have not replied and wont. It did make me feel better....though at the back of my mind, I am thinking that I just feel right into the trap of the role ex has painted for me, of the terrible ogre who made his life a misery before she came along and saved him. Though truth be said, I dont particularly care what she/he thinks, though know I need to be careful dealing with ex, so in that respect, I feel that I have let myself down big-time. Especially as I have said/done nothing to ex/her for the last 10 months. I have only ripped up a photo of the two of us (and that was one of my photos), for which ex told me off. As much as I have wanted to punch him or throw a book at his inflated head, I haven't (instead I punched pillows, drank wine, went for counselling and poured my heart out on here and in RL). Instead, I have been his counsellor by proxy as he

I honestly feel like I am detaching, but today, seeing them off for a family trip somewhere just really got to my core (and I thought I had burnt off some energy with the class). Probably on the back of all this wedding stuff earlier in the week. And I felt a flash of 'she is living my life' - though, honestly, I dont want that life with him. I am reeling from the text as well....I dont think his/their actions for the last 10 months have been appropriate, I dont think it's appropriate that he send me an email on the day I move into my new house telling me that he is 'feeling down again about everything and what I have done'. Or cry on my doorstep telling me one day its a superficial relationship and the next off to get hitched. I can see clearly day by day that he is dragging me back into this torrent - I just need to close that door on him firmly. He has had me on such a complete head f**k for the last 4 weeks since DS and I moved into new house. I didn't know whether to post this earlier, but on Weds he sent me an email saying amongst other things that I had clearly given him signals that I had moved on, so he knew that door was closed for him.....again, a total 'wtf?'....so, I am to blame now? Will this be re-written again in the future as 'well, DS, I tried to come back and your mum said no.'? And, for the record, he did not ever come back begging, he never came back asking for forgiveness, he never asked me to consider x, y or z. Instead, he sniffed around, noticing little things, paying random comments that were quickly batted away and asking if I was dating anyone, or if I had had someone staying that night when DS opened the door as it wasn't on the chain. Completely pathetic...

Anway, please dont flame me - I made a mistake and the way I feel now, I wont be making it again....As much as I dont like/know the new gf, I know that my 'beef' is with ex..hope is not expecting me to say 'sorry' when he comes tonight?

Just need to figure out how to deal with ex when he drops DS off this evening.....my plan is to remain cool/calm/detached.

Off to Lidl now (Dolly - the Lidl's and Aldi's round here are full of BMW and Audi drivers....I quite like them both and may indulge in the recommended premium choc bar!)...

Dolly - yes, will keep on banging on about the will and provisoning for DS to him. It would be great to have something lodged with the court as would make me more sure of my footing. Will pm and follow up with solicitor.Sorry to hear that you are still having to deal with all the crapola as well.....

PS: sorry its another long post....but just writing this has calmed me down a lot and saved me from texting/emailing ex to spill forth.....

Sorry - I meant to add I was wary of posting about his email and 'you have moved on' thing as this was the only thing of interest and rest of email was full of usual 'I have regrets, wish I had talked to you, wish we had gone away, wish I had taken a sabbatical from work and taken family away' blah, blah...I didn't reply back.

PS: just realised - with that comment, maybe I am not doing such a bad job at showing him I detaching from him (except for silliness today). This is the man who said last week 'Dee34, dont you know how many times I have wanted to phone you up and just say lets go away and work things out?'. Yeah, right - and he is getting married in 3 weeks time to his soulmate?! So, yep, think the detachment/no going back thing is working....just need to stick at it a bit more and work a bit harder...

Feeling better is what its all about! [hgrin]

Hi Dee,

Sorry but I have only skim-read this latest post and my first reaction is to say to you that I feel he has the utmost audacity to say to you that you have indulged in inappropraite behaviour.

The only person who has indulged in inappropriate behaviour is him - and he's been doing it at least for the last year. I think you have a long way to go to catch up with his little bag of inappropriate tricks.

Also - he doesn't have the right to send you patronising texts about your behaviour. Have you thought about getting a phone which is exclusively for your contact with Dicko-boy?

And finally... perhaps you could take the approach that he must have been seeing things at the traffic lights. Must have been someone who looked like you??? Turn it all on its head and don't worry about your moment in the car. So what? what's he going to do about it? His opinion of you is worthless and if he thinks that he is the moral compass in your son's life, then heaven help your son.

His feelings of guilt are so strongly projected on to you that I think he should consider playing out his games in 3D!

More later. Do take care of yourself and I do hope that the words you mouthed were suitably satisfying. You are detatching and doing so well. Be kind to yourself and you will more and more realise that Dicko-boy is a wanker and you would have a future ahead of you now,

You have a future ahead of you now.

It's perfectly understandable for you to react badly when you see them playing happy families. I know you probably feel like you've let yourself down but honestly, in the overall scheme of things it's nothing really. You're doing extremely well.

I agree with McNaughty you could just pretend you don't know what he's talking about if he mentions it later. And change your phone!

He really is trying to mess with your mind with all these emails, regrets etc. Just remember that if he really DID want to make it work with you he would be moving heaven and earth to win you back, not making plans to marry someone else! All those times he's supposedly wanted to call you to get back together, has he ever actually done it? Have his actions ever suggested that's what he wants? Even by mentioning it to you he's showing utter disrespect to his current fiance, and who would ever be able to trust a man like that? You certainly deserve better than a man who is willing to string along 2 women at the same time.

Seems like he's trying to pass all the blame back to you, maybe so he can tell DS in future that the break up was all your fault, but just keep on detaching. You're doing a great job so far and it's obviously winding him up so take it up a step. And think about what you DO want in a future relationship... integrity, honesty, devotion etc. All things this man will never even be able to imagine.

You have to admire the sheer self rightness of someone who cheated on their wife, the mother of their child then lied to her. Told her to get out and find elsewhere to live before backing down. Takes all the decent stuff from the house and leave her (and her son) with broken and crap remains. Constantly lying too her over and over. Whinging that he has no money to pay maintenance for his child but can afford plenty of trips away. Messing his child around by going on multiple trips with out actually making sure his son is taken care of just leaving it to his ex to pick it all up.

While at the same time actually lying to the girl he started seeing by telling her he wasn't single. Telling is ex he is sorry, wishes he could go back, wishes they were still together, while planning his wedding!!!

THEN thinks he has the moral right to rebuke her for 1 rude comment.

You are so well rid of this man it is unbelievable.

Just a thought Dee. This thread will be full soon so you might want to start another one sooner rather than later.

what an absolute waste of space!!!!!!!!! thanks for sharing about that email because its shows us clearly what this man is like - not that we dont know already - it shows us a lot more depth, depth of utter stupidity and total self-centredness. My god how old is this man - 15???? I dont think anyone would flame you at all Dee, youve been through the mill and youre coming out the other end. I would say so what if you mouthed to them - ok youre not happy about it - but blimey i think youve held back so brilliantly up until now. Dont be too hard on yourself dear. And what a total cock sending you that text ... ugh!!! i could strangle him myself, he really thinks you two are joined at the hip doesnt he - one thing i would say is that if he had totally detached he wouldnt have sent you that text - or is he really 15 in the head!!!! goodness, you deserve a medal for all this shite hes put you through and do you know there will be a prize for you ... one day ... you will meet someone who truly values you and see you for what you are ... not this arsehole who thinks hes in the play ground. You are well shot, it may feel truly awful now but in time, its an awful word i know ... but time is everything. Stay strong sweetheart, eat well, rest well (as much as a busy mum can) and enjoy your son day by day. Sending you big hugs x

What everyone is saying is true - you are well rid of this moron.

Regarding the impending (cliched) nuptuals, sounds to me like he was having a bit of a wind-up about taking your DS all the way out there. There's no way they would want to have to deal with a toddler while they were completing their speed-dating marathon.

Did he say these things to you to get you all woiund up? I just wonder if he is continuing to prress your buttons to get the right effect in front of the OW. As part of your planning for contact etc, think about how you can better manage your interaction with him. Don't get drawn into any other conversations with him tonight. Practise a blank expression in front of the mirror so you can get through the handover.

Of course, he might come in fancy dress tonight... as Pinocchio!!!

not sure how to start a new thread.....will this one disappear? Will do a copy and paste first...

Thank you for all the help, advice and support that has been very kindly given since March......I appreciate it so much, I dont think that 'thank you' says enough...

New thread here

Newthread

killing the thread.