Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
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Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

I haven't read the whole thread. But wanted to say

arse
cunty cunty arsewipe wanker

kill him

Oh, and I think his bossy/arrogant way of speaking to you on the phone (with her around) is no more than him showing off to OW. Such a man of the world who doesn't take crap from anyone . So in control!

If she's got a brain, she might realise that she'll soon be on the receiving end of his neandertal style of communicating.

waterrat - yes, striving to keep up the detachment and indifference when I see or speak to him, though it was hard going today due to circumstances of it being last Friday off with DS before starting full-time work on Monday. I did crumble a bit and 'snapped' when he phoned at 6.40pm and basically sniffed around to see if the party was finished and if he could come round. Ditto when he came in. He has a habit of changing into 'house'/casual clothes when he comes round in the evening to see DS; this pisses me off, but also, I was starting to wonder if DS was getting confused seeing his Dad lounging around in his usual casual/house clothes (he gets changed round here as well!). Said maybe he shouldnt get changed, and said that if he didn't he'd be leaving in soaked clothes from giving DS a bath. Then asked me whose benefit I was raising this point for, to which I replied, 'DS of course as are all/most of my points'. He was then ever so smarmy and said that I was as altruistic as ever! (So, Xales, you were right.....need to double up my guard now, I think as clueless to what he is up to/meaning, though it is easier now he is back to being the spiteful, selfish man he has been). Needless to say, I just shook my head, gave myself a mental slap on the wrist and walked away (hence, now on the laptop whilst they are playing/bath). Though he now keeps bothering me, by bringing DS to show me things (I am in a different room to them)......

Will check out the book recommendation!

Xales - yes, think he is in happy-happy land, with fresh memories of endless fumbles and lie-ins filling his otherwise empty head!

Hullygully - have thought that and worse. He is wholly self-obsessed with an inflated sense of his willy, ego and wallet.....

I do (sometimes) wonder at what the OW can see in him that is so alluring and lovely......wonder if it was the 3k watch he had on when he met her in the bar as he splashed his corporate expenses card.....

Alldownhillnow - you are so right! On the one hand, I am itching to learn when the shiny gloss of 'them' will look a bit faded and dirty and he realises what he has done, but then on the other hand, also feel that hopefully by then I will have moved on enough so that I can honestly tell him that I don't care about the state of his 'relationship' or any of his regret (assuming he ever gets there!).......When this all came out back in Jan, if I even so much as disagreed with him about what book to read to DS or chose not to speak to him, I was put in my place and told that that was one of the many reasons he left me! Ruddy cheek of the man.....I accepted his crap back then as was still in a tizz, still loved him (lordy knows why), had no job and everything looked more than a bit bleak. Things are looking a bit brighter now - good bit of news today, now have my first counselling session set up for next week, so a bit earlier than I originally thought! So, new job and counselling next week - may have a glass of wine to celebrate!

You are sounding so much more confident - thats great but watch out for the curved balls from him

The thing that strikes me reading your last posts is that even if he comes running back to you, you sound as though you are well shot of him anyway. I'm struggling to find any remdeeming features at the moment. He comes over as an arrogant tosser. Not someone you would choose to spend your life with.

With that in mind, you need to look to your own future and that of your DS. Of course his Dad has to be in his life, but he is VERY young and you have a long way to go. Try to take time out to work out what will be best for him in the long term, and for you.

The short term interests of your Ex and his attempts to be a father are laughable. He's playing at it. Use your knowledge and skills to outmanouvre him and give your DS a brighter future away from his damaging influence.

Hasn't your ex worked out that your DS will soon figure out that he doesn't treat you well? Try to be the one who calls the shots regarding your DS. Get good legal advice and don't be taken in by his attempts to make you feel bad. If he had wanted to be a good Dad, he would never have had the affair. He can't delete his behaviour and think it doesn't matter.

Alldownhillnow - curveball number 1: he comes round yesterday and asks how the tea party was. I replied that it was good, given the circumstances. He then muttered something about how he was asking himself every day whether he has made the right decision? What the heck?!

Curveball number 2: Yesterday afternoon, he tries to lean in to kiss my shoulder whilst we are sat on the sofa in the living room (I have DS on my lap and its the only sofa in the room as he has taken the others to his new place.....). Shrunk back, but didn't say anything (I should have done, shouldn't I?)

Curveball number 3: went out last night, spur of the moment. Was waiting for a friend to confirm, hence not knowing until 6.30pm if I was out or in. For some reason ex thought I was on a date - didn't tell him the truth, but was half thinking I quite fancied staying in with a bottle of wine and a takeaway, when I finally got text to confirm plans. Had been umming and ahhing all day when ex asked me if he was staying round to look after DS. When I said, I was staying in, he suddenly seemed brighter, singing round the house and all sorts. When I 'suddenly' changed my mind he went into a huff and said 'what does your date think about you changing your mind all the time then?' Tbh - not fussed whether he knows I am out with friends or on a 'date'. I am trying to keep my personal life, just that - personal. His constant 'it's none of your business' keeps ringing in my ears. Plus, its good for detachment, I guess?

So, he had been away seeing OW from Thurs the previous week until Weds this week just gone. Saw DS on Weds, then off for an overnight work trip Thurs and back on Fri (he came round late after party was finished). Saw DS yesterday and then off on some work corporate hosting event so didn't see DS at all today and I am full of cold, so feeling like a right muppet (again) that he has been away last weekend and then again away today. As I said, the plus side was that I did get to have DS to myself before starting work tomorrow, but I was/am feeling crap and dosed up on cold and flu remedies. Being under the weather today did make me miss the old him for a bit - just the fact that there is no significant other to phone/text to check in on you. He did call once this morning to speak to DS, told him I was ill and not heard boo from him all day (though cant complain as not having to deal with a second call from him was good - hope we can continue this up following his holiday last week).

Yes, he is playing at being 'Daddy' - do these types of men improve when it comes to stepping up to be proper co-parents/Dads as time goes on? Or is it all downhill from now on? It seems that his prime concern is himself and the OW....

Unfortunately, he still maintains that the affair was all my fault and that his being happy will make DS happier (not that he was unhappy in the first place, so dont know where he is coming with that). Fortunately, I am starting to realise that the affair was not my fault........

Hi Dee.im late to this but have been thru similar.You have had the pros on here giving you soem great advice,the only thing i wanted to suggest is to step back a bit and try to stop over thinking it all and trying to analyse everything so mauch.
I found it very beneficial to distance myself from what dh and his ow were up to a sit was very painfull.I avoided places they may be and told people to shut up if they started to talk about him,I even got my sisters to do the handover of the dcs for a bit so as to avoid all contact which was very healing.
I kept our meetings short and resisted sending angry texts,i deleted bis number if i was going out so that when i was drunk i wcouldnt ring him.
I didnt ask him questions about his life with ow and left the room or changed the subject as soon as he started to tell me anything.

Good luck. It happened to me 6 yrs ago,we had been together for 18yrs had 4 dcs and was recovering from breast cancer.i was so hurt i could barely breathe.I lost 3 stone in a few weeks and didnt sleep for weeks.I suffered such extreme anxiety that my chewing gum once melted in my mouth from the increased stomach acid.I would literally have rather died.

He left me in the september and by the new yr i was feeling fine,i met my now dh 2 yrs after and had lots of "practice" in the meantime.

I used to like going to bed as i needed the time to think it all through and as i went to sleep (or tried to) i would tell myself it was another day gone on the road to feeling better and it does really get better day by day.You will be fine,i so wish id have known of mumsnet then it would have been a life saver for me.

Take care

Ledkr I'm going through similar and can only say your post gives me so much insight that life will get better for me and that one day I will be happy again. Thank you.

Dee, your doing really well keep it up.

romney bless you,you certainly will be happy again,there are not too many guarantees in life but that is one of them.The distance certainly worked for me,when i knew stuff it wound me up so i was carefull not to find stuff out.I remember being told he had gone swimming with ow,i was gutted cos he never took the dcs.
It hurts so much doesnt it? You forget childbirth pain but not heartbreak pain.
I reinvented myself,lost weight,had hair cut and blonded,went shopping,superficial i know but it did help me.I took the dcs on holiday on my own abroad,it was very liberating,i am proud of myself to this very day.
Feel free to keep in touch,i like to help.

ledkr - so sorry to hear that you have been through the same, but also so, so great to hear that you have come out the other end strong and in a much better place with a better life (gives me hope). I will always struggle to understand how people can do this, and even more so with your particular circumstances. I know you are right (as other posters have been) in terms of not torturing myself with what they are doing or worrying too much about her being over here until she is actually here.....I guess its something I need to keep reminding myself of on a daily basis....thanks again for sharing.

Just reading your post has stopped me from texting him tonight......Had a run-in following counselling yesterday evening. Thought I had come on a long way (was even able to tell my story without bursting into tears, though did come close a few times), but at the end, the counsellor assessed that I still had a LOT of grief and feelings of loss to deal with. Floored me a bit.....I guess things have been moving at a neck-breaking speed (now 11 weeks since he revealed the affair and OW). Came back home, crying, and had a run-in with him (he was here as had put DS to bed). He was lounging around on the sofa, in his casual clothes and texting (assumed it was her - he had been bugging me about when I would be home, so guess he was keen to contact her). Totally pointless as I was to blame for everything (again) and was playing at being the martyr due to his affair.....I am so, so tired of his crap, so why do I give in to these mad urges to try and make him see that what he has done is so wrong? He sent a text after leaving, saying sorry for hurting you, wish I could re-do everything.....so far, haven't replied....I have 'penned' a draft reply, but have resisted sending. Should probably go and delete it off my phone....

romney - it is so good to read the advice of others who have been there and come out the other side in a much better place or who have the emotional detachement to help us see and believe that it will get better. And it will - we have to believe that..I am going to try seeing things more from the 'one day at a time' and see every day as one step closer to healing as has been advised.....big hugs to you.

I have spent a large chunk of the evening wondering if whether I had challenged him about his locked phone over Christmas, if he would have done this? Or, if I had been more questioning/dis-trusting/jealous so as to question him following his work trips away...I know it is madness as what is done is done, but it can be so hard at times.....

I think maybe starting a new job and counselling in the same week may have been a bit too much for me......

ledkr what a great post, thank you. romney, hope you're ok xx (and you too Dee of course!)

sorry - that should have read as 'he keeps saying that I am playing at being the martyr due to his affair'!

Sufficient - hope you are doing okay and keeping strong.

dont send texts or get into run ins,accept you are now not together and resist it,lets face it it doesnt help you to feel better does it? No? so why bother?
Blaming yourself? I did too,thats ok and normal,i even was a bit to blame i think as i hadnt paid any heed to our marriage for yrs just went thru the motions.
Him saying you are a martyr,i think thats his own guilt,mine told me to "get over it" about 3 wks later,the anger helped me thru another day,he also said i was boring as his mates wives allowed them to smoke weed in the house!wtf?
Would you really want to be with him now? You would spend all your time worrying and doubting yourself.
Its your past now,turn the page,i found that the hardest part,accepting it had gone too far to go back,i cried a lot and then started my new chapter,corny but true xx

'he keeps saying that I am playing at being the martyr due to his affair'!

Heartless bastard. He won't even let you grieve. Does he have to be in the house all the time? How are you going to (begin to) move on if he is constantly around? I appreciate you need childcare but I would get it elsewhere.

OP, you will have a lot of grief to go through, the counsellor was right. You can't hurry grief but you can chivvy it along re ledkr's posts, also getting him out of your life practically. Your grief is spoiling his bliss it seems

I echo the advice to stop letting him come to the house. Seeing him lounging on the sofa texting like a teenager, must have been a red-mist image .
If he's in the house unsupervised, he can and probably will, invade your privacy. If he wants to be a single parent, then that means he does exactly what you have to do when you are on your own with DS. He'd better get used to caring for an infant single-handed.

I'd really counsel against you talking to him about the affair. He's too mired in his own ridiculous justifications to make any sense and the lies will make you even angrier.

I also want to reassure you that once he'd met this woman, there was absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent his actions. Only he could have done that. If you'd found out, he would have got better at hiding his tracks, that's all. Once someone is on the insane course that is an affair, nothing (and no-one) external will deter that person, I promise you. The only person who could have saved this situation was him. Even if the OW had backed out from this course of action herself, it wouldn't change what he truly wanted to do.

Good god this man is an arse. How dare he lounge in your home like this with no thought for how you might feel. and how dare he lecture you about your grief. The first lesson here is there is really no point at all confronting him in an attempt to ease your pain - i know you want him to know how much you are hurting, I've been there too but it doesn't make you feel better does it. ? And it escalates things and gives him an excuse to be confrontational in return. Please think to yourself - cold calm detached. Re getting him out of your space - I suggest you approach this calmly and honestly. Don't say it's for your child . Say that you need some space and the pair of you need a new way of co parenting that doesn't involve him coming into your home. If it's not immediately possible I suggest avoiding him completely and working towards a new arrangement asap

ledkr - yep, I hear you and what you are saying/writing is so true (as is all the advice that has been offered). I thought that I was getting somewhere, but I think that, as others are observing, seeing him on a regular basis (sometimes twice a day as he wants to do the nursery run in the am) when he is in town is getting too much now. His holiday a week and a bit ago now seems like a distant memory.....I think I mentioned before about the anger I feel towards him and her. Sometimes I can let this blow over me (like when he is not here) and at other times, it is too much (probably when he is here and carrying on as if he is completely innocent). Its just controlling that urge to shake him or feeling that by saying something in a particular way that the scale of what he has done will sink in, but it wont....I do realise that.....It has gone too, too far now - and yes, I do need to fully turn that page.....I didnt send the text and have simply deleted it now...

beautifulnight, WWIFN & waterrat - yes, I do need to sort out the childcare aspect. I know that part of this though is my reluctance to let 'go' of DS and starting the process of not having him with me every day. But I do see that this is essential now. It was pointed out to me that by now working full-time, I dont actually have any time in the week (okay, so its week 1...) with my son by myself, when ex is in town. He comes round to take him to nursery, comes round in the evening for bath and I spend the evening trying to keep out of the way as dont want to be in the same room as ex, so hanging out washing, loading dishwasher, getting our clothes ready for tomorrow....it has to stop.... I am going to propose that he picks up DS from nursery on two set nights a week, takes him back to his place for the early evening and then brings him back here for bed (he can do bath at his place). This would be for a few weeks until DS (and I!) can work up to him spending an entire night there (ex has never had one night all by himself with DS as I have always been around). How does this sound?

WWIFN - thanks for that point. Yes, he would have done whatever he wanted, as he has shown his actions to be since the way he duped me into 'letting' him go to San Fran in the first place....I will try and remember this.....

Hi Dee, exactly as WWIFN said, even if you had found out (as I did) and turned absolute cartwheels for him (as I did), even if you were told you how fantastic your renewed/transformed marriage was (as I was) it wouldn't have made the blindest bit of difference. If HE doesn't want to stop then it won't. I know it's awful, but try and be thankful you didn't have to put yourself through all that to get the same end result (discovering your OH was a twat).

Don't talk to him. If he has to come to the house, try not to be there. I feel exactly the same as you but there is nothing you can say to him that will have any effect whatsoever. Don't waste your breath or your energy- concentrate on healing, focus on why it's great that you're free. x

I'm afraid I have not read all this, but have read first couple of posts. Life is never easy. Something similar happened to my aunt, but twenty years on she has single-handedly raised two successful intelligent happy adults, and my aunt is also happy and successful (and very well travelled)..

I really am not in a position to advise you, I can say what I would do. I'm a mean selfish person with lots of faults. I personally would get my map of the UK out, and pick a town at least 3 hours from ex. It may be where I have family, or just on a whim. (for me, this would be Church Stretton.)

I would then get on the internet and find a place to rent, and a job. I would make all these plans without telling the ex or his friends acquaintances etc. Once it is all done, and I have moved, I would send him an email to let him know my new address, and tell him how excited I am about new adventure with little man.

His new woman would hate the travelling.

Excellent advice shouldnot!

surely you don't have to let him in in the evenings to do the baths. What about your time with your DS? He's really got his cake and eating it.

Dee- another little annecdote.ex dh decided that despite leaving us for ow he would still enjoy a family xmas with us.I allowed this due to the fact i was working xmas eve and boxing day morning so needed him.On boxing day i arrived home to find him preparing food for my annual boxing day party.I asked him to leave.I told him that he no longer lived here and he needed to host his own party.He continued to pop into the house as he wished and make a drink,have a shit and even offer me a drink? He did have the dcs once a week whilst i worked overnight but he ate all may food,slept in MY BED just acted a if he was still here,eventually i had to draw the line and asked my ds's and my Mum to help which they did,i took his key and that put a stop to that.It helped me enormously to move on.If you had created the distance before,you would have been feeling loads better by now,you are delaying the healing process and the anger will practically go when you no longer have to be reminded of his presence everyday.Get those boundaries in place,tell him you dont wish him to be lounging about the place and unfortunately he gave up the pleasure of deciding to do the nursery runs etc when he chose to behave like an arse.
Do it today,you have a right to a life too.You will one day meet someone else and they wont want ex wandering about as he pleases will they.You tell him when he can come and do bedtime and then use that time to do something nice for yourself and ask him to leave when you get back.

Dee ledkr is absolutely right, I didnt listen to all the amazing advice given to me about stopping H popping in, it really took me so long to start to heal (I still have a long way to go but I am getting there) but when I stopped this it really has helped me move forward. Detachment is really the only way to go to start the healing process. Hope you are ok Dee, big hugs.

Absolute arse-wipe......

He comes round this morning to pick up DS for swimming lesson, then takes him to the park. Brings him back for his lunch - as I am sat at the table with DS and as ex is about to leave, he decides to announce that OW will be coming here at the end of the month for 2.5 weeks. He then proceeds to tell me that she is having a weeks trial in a local office (her company is global) and then off for rest of the time. Throughout all of this period she intends to be living around the corner with ex.....He then tells me that he may be taking her 'home' to go and meet his parents/family/friends up there.....charming....and to think, 3 months ago, I was sat opposite his PITA parents having xmas dinner!! Funnily enough, he had asked me earlier this week if he could take DS up to see his parents (they are a flight away, but in the UK), said, err, I dont think so, all a bit too soon. BUT the dates he was suggesting for this tally up with the dates that OW is visiting for......Finally, he had the good grace to tell me that she will be here from beginning of July and that as there will be an overlap on his current lease, they will be living together again for that period around the corner from me........I did try not to rise to it all (asked him the age old question about why he drops these things whilst in DS's presence - response was, well, I was going to shout anyway), but my emotions did get the better of me a bit....I really, really cant stand him . When I said it wouldnt be nice for me to see them or know that they were living around the corner, he just said, oh, but its highly unlikely you will see her/us..?! But, its just the mere fact that they are in such close proximity that will get to me I think.....is that so wrong? He then proceeded to blame me for the affair, for 'taking my eye of the ball' (something I had written in a letter to him, ages ago, back when I wasnt aware of the affair and he duped me into letting him shag off to SF - knew that would bite me in the bum one day) and say that we didn't have sex for 2 years....!! Funny that, cos, I remember differently.....and we were trying for baby no.2!

To make matters worse, I was all poised to suggest a plan of him picking DS up from nursery and taking him back to his place a couple of nights a week and then bringing him back here either bathed, or I would do the bath (so we would be doing a handover on the doorstep). Told him all this and he said, well, a break of a couple of weeks wont make much difference to DS!! No way is he coming over here every night to have a bit of a play and then slink off with an eased conscious back to madam...

shouldnot - am sorely tempted to take your advice and that of shootingnuns ! I dont want the idiot and his fool within spitting distance of me.....

sakura - yes, I agree. He has been taking the piss all along. I think I let this happen as I felt quite vulnerable in the beginning. I had no job, no income and was living of my redudancy payment whilst ex seemed to be holding all the cards. So, I totally think I gave in on too many points - now I am starting to make a stand (albeit, small ones to start with, such as no calling twice a day etc) he doesnt appear to like it....I think folk like shootingnuns and WWIFN amongst others have alluded to the whole scenario being a play and how ex is running through a well-thumbed script in his head.....it is all just so bizarre and mind-boggling....

Hope everyone is enjoying the nice weather today.

Will post properly later - I think my thoughts above are a bit jumbled and bearing a bit of anger. Off to the hairdressers now...