Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Hi.....yes, still very 'ugh' and 'oh' about it all. But, yep, need to put my 'dont give a toss - she is welcome to him' hat on and keep riding by (though will resist any trips to far flung deserts!).

ristretto - thanks for the sound advice. I did speak to a solicitor on several occassions and have the general gist. I know that ex can take DS out of the country with my permission (and vice versa) unless I can prove that he is at risk of absconding with him (didnt think this was a possibility before, but, ex is acting like a loose cannon at the moment and who knows where his head is at and if he is dreaming up some fantasty dream life of them all settling in the US). However, as with all things legal, I cant/couldn't really do much unless ex has done something iyswim? So, yes, I told solicitor back in July that ex was planning on getting married and she gave advice on prompting him to get his wills sorted out etc after he gets married. But, I am starting to panic a bit - he really did not want to tell me that he was getting married and fair enough, none of my business, but it is a bit when he wants to involve DS....I have DS' passport - was having kittens about having to hand it over when he takes DS up to Scotland for a pre-xmas break to see his folks....I will be cacking myself now. Will try and phone solicitor for initial advice (and, fingers crossed, reassurance). He is the NRP (think he gets that much, though he likes to think otherwise). I seem to remember that solicitor did say that if he did get married and moved to US, then ex would still have access, but would most likely be a pattern of blocks of weeks......hoping that if they do do this, then it will be next year when DS is in school and so he is only limited to school holidays, which we would have to share and then he would most likely want to drag DS up to Scotland every now and then....but, yes, will now seek firmer advice now that this step is coming up.

Xales - that is pretty spot-on. Yes, its Nevada/Las Vegas. I am still wondering how a wedding/honeymoon in Nevada pairs up with a grouchy toddler who's sleep and routine will be off and who still thinks that 5.30am is the start of the day..... Seems weird they are going there to get hitched, when his family is in Scotland, she is from a Southern state in the US, she's moved here for him and they met in SF? There may well be pregnancy news coming soon, so guess I had better steel myself against it..I think that ex is so big-headed that he is not thinking about moving to US at all. I imagine he is still revelling in fact that she came here for him. I have my suspicions as to whether she will be so keen to hang around here if/when she does get pregnant and will not want to go back to the US...Yes, a very, very lucky escape. I think he has lost the plot, but that is not my problem anymore.......

dolly - thanks. Was a slight shock as I had thought that even ex would not be so daft as to really exit an 11 year relationship and fling himself into married life with the first person who looked twice at him, but obviously mistaken. Logic tells me that they are still in the loved-up honeymoon period, but still a shock (and I am not buying the visa issue thing, unless she needs it to then apply for another job here etc. I think it is for love and the whole running off to LV/Nevada just cements this (but, I am heeding the words of Xales and others to not give any brain space to thinking about them or imagining them doing x, y, z ).

We have joint PR by law, though I am main resident parent. We have agreed access at 2 nights a week and every other weekend for ex, with most likely pattern of DS sleeping over 1 night a week and every other weekend as ex is still all over the place re work and travel and I would rather have at least 1 definite night I can claim than having a debate about how he cant do this night because he has blah on or needs to go to x, y, z. For 2012, I have told ex that we need to get all the weekends sorted out up front and holiday weeks (though, again, am getting worried here). Hence he can manage his diary around DS as opposed to other way round, which he is enjoying at the moment (and tbh, I have not forced this as I probably should have, due to working long hours of late and enjoying spending the extra time with DS)

I definitely wouldn't let ds go abroad Dee. I had to wait until my children were 15 before they could go abroad with ex and there is no way on God's earth I would have let them go before. I also applied to the erm I can't remember who (sorry ) to put out an alert at erm.. customs? (I think it was - I'm sorry to be so hopeless about this) that they would be stopped if ex tried to take them abroad. Whatever org is was wrote to me periodically - every year I think - to ask me if I wanted it renewed.

I know, I know, you're thinking ex would never do anything like that. Do you think any of the women who have had their kids kidnapped thought their ex would do anything like that? My ex was a very successful and wealthy businessman, cultured, educated; for all the world the loveliest man you could ever wish to meet - kind, gentle, dazzlingly lovely and reasonable. Apparently. Imo there was a very real threat that he would take them and not bring them back. Finding out - years after I had put a block on him taking the kids out of the country - that he had applied for, and got, passports for dc from his own (non-Hague Convention) country without my knowledge kind of confirmed my suspicions. The US is vast, plus state-governed. If he chose to take ds and not bring him back he could do it easily and get them lost in that vast continent. You have no contact details for his BOS, you know nothing about her, where she lived, where her parents live. I knew where ex's parents lived but that was no guarantee at all that I would get the kids back if ex took them.

My dear, I wouldn't giving a flying fuck what anybody else thinks of you refusing to allow ds to go abroad, really I wouldn't.

Dee, Have been lurking and cheering you on but avoided posting again till now. I was just wondering what would happen, if when the time came to give your ex DS's passport you found that it'd got 'lost' in the move? And you'd already put an alert on having other passports issued?

Wouldn't it be a shame that DS couldn't go?

For what it's worth, I think the wedding rush is because she couldn't get her visa sorted properly and I think they're getting hitched to move back there. Sorry to be a scare-monger too but a man with an ego like your ex's would love to play the big man over there.

Please see another solicitor, your current one doesn't seem to understand that with someone like your ex, you need everything official with a solicitor's letterhead - including access - before he takes you seriously.

Good luck. You deserve so much better, honestly you do. X

Hi Springy - will be phoning solicitors tomorrow for another appointment. I just feel so drained right now. Have been crying a bit on and off all day (thank goodness I was wfh today). No clue why. It just seems like this is going to be a never ending drama. I know it doesnt have to be for me and that I should - and am - removing myself from the situation, but its like one thing after another. Why did he not say on Monday, 'ah, I am getting married in US, was wondering if DS could come?'. It would have been an absurd request and I would have said no, but he is definitely not doing anything for the whole re-establishing trust thing.....and when he mentioned the whole holiday thing on Monday, he did not mention anything about going abroad, though would have half-expected them to go somewhere in the US due to her background. And yes, I know nothing about her bar her name and age and where her home state is in the US.

Argggh - could do with a glass of wine big time, but nothing in the house.....

There is no hell no way I would be letting ds out of the country with his father if I were you dee. Crazily deluded egocentric entitled frothingly insane ex? Foreign steP mother to be? In her country? I don't fucking think so. I don't fucking think so for one minute. Tell him no, and tell him you're going to speak to your solicitor about putting a formal contact schedule in place for the sake of ds, and make sure his Passport is well out of view - give to a friend if necessary.

Sorry I waded in there Dee - panic again (so hard not to warn when you've been there). It had to be said but I'm sorry it had to be said iyswim.

I'm also so sorry about the bombshell of him getting married. It's real now - you wouldn't be human if it didn't rock you a bit. I don't know why you don't know why you're upset about it tbh! I don't know if I've said this on your thread, but I had a funny day 5 minutes when ex got married again. This was oooh about 15 years after we split, which may seem ridiculous but it's not at all straightforward I don't think. The split is relatively new to you, you are finding your feet, what you thought was your dead cert future turns out to have been a scam - that's very very hard to take, just on its own. On top of that you have had betrayal, cruelty and general headfuckness (in spades). You have lost your home and had to move. YOur entire life has done an about-face.

Thanks to your astonishing brilliantness, things are going well, you've got a new job, ds is doing well, you're enjoying your new home . but, hey, it's not what it was meant to be is it? Then there he is, swanning off, lying to you, tricking you... darling, I'm not surprised you're exhausted and it seems neverending. It won't be, but it seems like that now, particularly as he is galloping along making drastic and dramatic changes every time you blink.

I do think these things take time. We can get as much as humanly possible in place... but in the end it's time we have to wait for. you are grieving, which takes time and is exhausting. But there comes a time when you start to recover, really properly recover iyswim (not that the glimpses of recovery aren't evident all along the way). Be good and kind to yourself while you wait sweetheart. Switch him off if you can, like a boring and tiresome tv programme you can't believe you've been watching for the past half hour.

(((BIG)))

Is it the port authority springydaffs?

Dee, as far as I'm aware your ex needs your permission to take your ds out of the country, even for a holiday (and viceversa). Do not give it to him - he has a lot of bridges to build in terms of trust and respect before that happens. Keep that passport out of his way!

wellthatsdoneit - pure genius

what a bastard. men are selfish pricks sometimes.
feel the pain, cry your eyes out, as often as you need to and then try to move on. focus on you and your son. it will take several different turns til youve gone through it all and come out the other side but hang in there, youll do it!

in the meantime (while theyre indulging in their lust bullshit week in san fran that will end as soon as they start bickering over bills, more kids, insecurities and her jealousy of you by the way! oh yes, that will happen, your sweet revenge mwahahaha) you should make the next week good for you and your son: watch good movies (that will help you like the first wives club, oprah episodes, waiting to exhale) read good magazines, books, go walks, eat good food, get drunk with a good friend one night, laugh with your kid etc etc etc and if you need to - CRY. i always feel better after a good cry. you cant move on properly til youve felt the pain and let it out. but try and not let your kid hear - pillows are good!

i could go on and on but most of the advice is all here in this thread.
take care, you are not alone, the world is full of strong interesting women who have had this done to them and then they have met a great guy a bit later on. stay true to yourself. have your dignity etc etc x

oops, ive just realised you first posted this in march. i shouldve read all posts, not just your first one. hope my post helps a bit though.

Oh, dee, and also, if he comes back at you scoffing that 'of course you can trust me you silly little woman, what on earth do you think im going to do? now give me the passport dear' tell him that no, his conduct over the last year has demonstrated the complete opposite of that - that you cannot trust him and that he has no respect for your feelings or ds's. And simply saying the words 'you can trust me' does not impart trust. Trust does not come overnight, it develops over time through a course of conduct, and until such time as you are satisfied that you can trust your dh and that he shows sufficient respect and consideration for the feelings of you and ds (and it is your benchmark, and your instinct that matters on this, not his, or mine, or any other of us random Internet pixies) he does not have your permission to take him out of the country for a holiday. If he starts wittering on at you say that that is how it is and anything he says to you is not going to change your mind so don't even bother. If you continue to harrass me about this I will seek advice from my solicitor as I will not be bullied or otherwise railroaded into something by you which I feel inherently uncomfortable with.

Fuck, but this has got my feathers ruffled (first hand personal experience I'm afraid which I can't go into because of impending vexatious fucking court case).

You might also want to notify the US immigration, because they are quite hot on parents absconding with kids. So if you don't give permission for your DS to go with his father, they will not want to let him into the country.
I'm sure its Nevada because its a very easy place to get married with no long term residence needed or blood tests etc.
Actually it can be quite hard taking a child into or out of the US without explicit approval of the other parent (whether still married or not).

Whose surname is on your ds' passport? I've been questioned a couple of times as my dc have their fathers surname. Strictly speaking every parent travelling alone with a child should have proof that they are a) the Childs parent or legal guardian and b) that they have the other parents cosent. Tends only to be questioned though if the surnames are different, which is nonsensical as the same surname doesn't mean anything considering how many Smiths, Joneses etc there are in the world.

A moot point though because your ds isn't going is he?!

Thanks for all the sage advice. Quick post as at work.....

No - DS is not going. A friend did have his passport when this all kicked off and ex was living in the old family home (one of those, I give you a signed and sealed envelope, could you look after it for me please? jobs). I got this back in the summer as needed it to apply for DS' nursery funding when he turned 3.

No - I dont have the same surname as DS (which is upsetting/pain - wish I had pushed for the double barrelled name now). So, if he ever did have his passport to say fly to Scotland then all three (including new wife) would have the same surname. BUT, DS is mixed race, so I expect that this may cause some questions every now and then at the airport (not that this is a good thing and not assuming that every official would question ex just because his son is darker skinned than him).

Sorry - it is definitely Nevada that he says they are going to.....I was a bit thick and though that LV was in Nevada, so just lumped the two together and assumed that although he said Nevada, he means LV....anyway, probably shouldn't care too much!

Strangely, although I have always maintained that I would not take him back as he has dealt blow after blow (the affair, then running off to the US, then her coming here, FB nonsense, DS in full-time daycare, introducing her to friends and family, her moving here, house selling, us moving out and now marriage - and all the crap, abuse and general nastiness in-between) I feel like the book on what my life was like is finally closing closed. Which is a good thing.....

Hi Darling

Firstly you are not being think - LV is in Nevada. Given the rest of the state is a bit of a wasteland (apologies if anyone is reading this from there - oops -) I would imagine that they are headed there......

Also, I totally totally get you on the end of a chapter. I know when my ex (from whom I am now, I assume divorced - I say assume as no paper work received but know the court date was when I was on hols) marries/has a baby with his OW I will be hit quite hard even though I know its coming, we are so over we need a new word for over etc etc....its not an intellectual thing though is it - it is the bolting of the door if not the closing of it. And like you say hopefully quite a positive thing over time but leaves you reelling with the what ifs / whys for the time being.

I have been thinking of you lots darling during this week and hope you are surrounded by lots of love in your RL as well as on here.

We are slightly wading through shit right now, but will save that as comparatively plus la change plus la meme chose.....will say though that resolve to stop ex taking DS to Canberra every weekend intensified today when he drove past me (he had picked up DS from kindy as he is with his dad tonight) with DS in car texting/emailing on his phone with both hands kind of propping up wheel ; (

Lots of love
Dolly

Dee, I have been lurking and reading through your thread for a little while now. I just wanted to express my total at the way your ex has treated you, the way he expects you to dance to his tune at the same time as accepting that he has moved on. And the speed with which he has thrown new developments at you defies belief. Your grace under pressure has been fantastic to see.

I find it hard to believe that he has thought through the concept of having a (jet-lagged and bored) three year old at his Las Vegas wedding, let alone the wedding night, honeymoon.

As you already know, there is no point in trying to understand his point of view, because he is not rational. You can only look at things from your DS's point of view, and decide what is best for him.

Dee, I don't know what your arrangements are in terms of parental responsibility, but I would be looking to the future if I were you and making it very clear by your arrangements with ds that you are the primary caregiver. At some point the novelty is going to wear off and new wifey is going to get sick of the weather and general gloominess of these glorious isles and want to click her heels and go back to Kansas, or whatever backend-of-bumfuck place it is that she's from. The sociopath that fathered your child is not going to be able to admit his mistake and therefore will be going with her and assume ds will be too (the narcissist needs his entourage with him, and besides, he has his reputation to keep up of a doting hands on father and thoroughly all round decent chap, which you've been fucking up a bit for him recently actually by having the audacity to continue existing AND being a bit hurt after being discarded by him. You were supposed to disappear quietly into the night don't you know). Given his conduct you know that this man has absolutely no integrity, conscience, trustworthiness, empathy, morals, or indeed any of the other qualities that are quintessentially human. He is one hundred per cent flipperty yap yap howling at the moon mad and his dysfunctionality knows no bounds. Please don't let yourself and ds be caught up in this any more than you have to be. Avoid avoid avoid and detach detach detach and put a course of conduct in place so that you and your ds are as protected as you can be.

I'm not sure, but I don't think you need your ex's permission to have your surname added to ds', just takes longer and costs a bit more as have to apply to court and show good grounds for doing so (which, being his mother, you do).

ah, wellthatsdoneit, you are a joy to read

I considered changing my kids' surnames to mine but they were too old I don't think your ds is . instead, I was the one who got the double-barrelled surname, adding the evil-one's name to mine. That was hard having to see it every day practically.

We aim to please springydaffs

Tis a shame that we are unfortunate enough to recognise this type of character, but at least we can advise each other in terms of coping strategies.

And the only truly effective coping strategy that I can see is to have as little exposure to them as possible. They are damaged and damaging people.

Its everyman for himself Dee( or every woman and her baby) dont ever give a flying fuck about what he thinks of you cos he dont care a jot about you right now.Trust your gut and get on with your new life.Keep contact with him minimal and another year from now you really wont feel anything.The rebuilding book by bruce fisher is very good.did u do the kick boxing?just concentrate on building up yourself,keep on taking baby steps along the road of emotional growth.Their wedding will smart but it will help u move on.You wont be drawn into his daft conversations anymore ,u will be even more independent of him.Big hugs

They say knowledge is learning something everyday and wisdom is letting go of something.
Dont keep negative emotions locked in.They dont need to stay in your head ,just let them go xxx

"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery,
None but ourselves can free our minds"
Bob Marley

Ent that the truth!!!

I'm sorry to hear the latest developments from mr arsehole, he really is a conniving swine isn't he.

I guess the Nevada marriage is for visa reasons, would not surprise me if they had a second wedding do here too...pictures coming to facebook soon etc etc.

I hope he never plans to take your son with him if they move to the US, although I suspect he would have the gall to do that. Coming from a mixed-race family, I know that being mixed race in the USA brings additional issues. When my cousin's family moved to Florida and she went to high-school, first thing the whole class ganged up on her and asked her if she was black or white.

Also why would he need a passport to fly to Scotland? Or am I being a bit thick?

I thought that about the passport/Scotland too grapes. Also wondered if I was being thick.

Hi,

I just assumed that he would need it as ID. We have had to take it with us before...though not flown there since last Xmas so maybe things have changed? if he doesn't need it, then would rather not give it!

Have decided to find a new solicitor - so trying to get some recommendations for someone who is really shit-hot on all these things as recommended.

3boys - thanks for the lovely words. Think he (ex) knows that DS will not be going away with him, so that's that. But, being the worrier that I am, my new bugbear is that ex will ask me if/when he can phone DS whilst he is away getting hitched/honeymoon. I know I need to put my feelings aside and do what is right for DS, but I dont think I would be able to resist a bitchy comment or two when he phones. In an ideal world, ex would say 'I am going on holiday with my fiancee who I left Dee34 for, we will be getting married and having a short honeymoon....hmmm, maybe I will give her and DS space during this time. I will be away for 7 nights by my own choice, but that is not the end of the world and I will see DS when I get back. I will ask Dee34 that if DS is crying for me, to feel free to call at anytime.'....instead, I will get 'I am entitled to speak to my DS. I will miss him. This is all about you - not what is good for him.....' blah, blah. I can so see this happening, this is the man who in all seriousness suggested that I move out of the family home back in Jan as I had lots of friends to go and stay with and he had none (wonder why) so it would make sense for him and DS to stay put! That is another of the things that he now claims not to remember saying.....

I am starting to forcefully turn that last page now. I do get flutters of 'how come he can now suddenly arrange to take DS to London to go and see a show and then go to a muesum - with new/soon-to-be wife in tow - and yet, he never, ever, ever did anything for us? Even at the weekends, I would be wracking my brains trying to think of suggestions for us/places to go/things to do and he offered nothing. I know he probably has to do it, but it is annoying, but I realise I have to put that to bed now and move on.

I imagine this is all part of his plan to now live life like everyday is his last day (might explain the madness of it all).

patience - thank you and also for the lyrics. Will add to my trusty book of motivational snippets.

springy - gosh, dont think I would ever want to add his name to mine, so option would be to add mine to DS as you mention. In the back of my mind, I was thinking to get this done before DS goes to school. I do need his permission to change it legally (and can imagine he will say no), but, I can register him at school as a known name....only issue is that of course his legal docs wont match....