Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Oh you have to laugh that you will also be responsible for DS welfare. Erm you already have been. Nurturing him for 9 months, feeding, changing, clothing, hugging, kissing. He is building up the contact he has, so who has responsiblity for your DS all the time he doesn't have contact?

What he means is get the best paid job you can because he wants to pay you as little as he can and still look good to everyone else. Shame if you go to the CSA it is not based on your salary you get a set % of his to support HIS son.

Some men are just so up their own arses it's a wonder how they cope with us mere mortals they have to support isn't it.

Bloody idiot.

Goodness he is a slippery character.

Can he just flick a switch and now you are the sole responsible parent? Does he seriously think he'll pay you less maintenance if you earn more? What planet is he on? Planet Deluded and Infatuated sounds like.

What does he think his parenting will consist of exactly?

He is blaming an awful lot on you OP. Deflecting his own guilt I guess.

Uggh - he has just called, so guess his flight must have just landed at SFO. Decided to ignore it (phone flashed 'international'). DS is in bed now as he knows he will be, so if he is mad keen to know how he has been today, he can send me a text if he can bear to tear himself away from OW arms and bed (reckon I will be more cordial/to the point over text than speaking to him, esp given where he is and who he is with. Though can imagine him throwing this back in my face at some point about how I didn't answer the phone etc etc)....

Yes, he is deluded, infatuated and living with his head up his arse - excellent character flaws to add to my growing list!! On a serious note - sadly, yes, he does think this......I think he would rather save his cash in the bank than think that a few extra quid could go towards helping me get say a better standard of accommodation for us.....I know that maintenance isnt meant to cover this, but its just that I feel so completely abandoned and cut off at the moment. I guess I shouldn't dwell too much on this now as he wont be paying maintenance until we move out of this house....

Back to Solosts threads!

Why shouldn't he pay maintenance now?

Because he is paying his share of the household bills/mortgage etc (as is he was living here), which is more than what a maintenance payment would be. He has to really though as I have no income (though he did suggest that I start dipping into my savings more to pay for more - though he backtracked after I burst into tears on hearing that). I think hand on heart, once he knows I have a job and once OW is here he will probably retract on his current payments (as said, he has already agreed to stump up for 6 months only - lord knows what happens after then.....I have been a bit hesitant when it comes to discussing finances with him as he has so much power and advantage over me - good six-figure income with bonuses and a pile of savings).....

WWIFN - just read your comments about Solost's ex and his possible attitude towards affairs. This was my ex down to a tee. Always used to bang on about how even kissing was cheating (and yeah, it is, but in all seriousness, I wouldn't have broken up a family just for that, though would need to go for help/counselling etc). So, I wonder if he ventured down the kissing route in Oct and decided 'oh well, may as well go the whole hog'? I don't think he has done this before and from what he has said, it does seem to be that he was feeling 'neglected'. He told me he missed little signs of affection between us, though I didn't see him trying to re-ignite the fires.....

I know, I know, its all in the past and I shouldn't dwell on it....it is like a yucky, big, raw, painful scab that just wont heal over at the moment

Hang on in there Dee, you are getting fantastic advice from everyone.

I don't have anything useful to add other than I used to work with people who earned seriously ridiculous money and spent most of their lives jetting between offices. Much of it between the Bay area and the UK. Many of the blokes were total pricks and were high on their position and earning power. Some of them thought they were invincible. Many of them had several failed relationships and children behind them. Their earning potential seemed to give them a sense that they could do what they like. It was tough shit for those 'losers' they left in their wake.

They had an inflated sense of their own importance and would shag anything they could. And to be honest, it wasn't their looks which attracted the women! .

You sound as though you have good prospects yourself and once you get through the shit of this situation, you will start getting on with your life again.

Listen to the practical advice you are being given and make yourself as legally safe as possible. He's living some fantasy out and his wallet is enabling him to do that.

Like Solost you must try and get to a place where he is not able to hurt you so much personally. He seems to be getting off on putting you down. Some of that attitude will come from his work environment and is shallow and creepy.

Distance yourself and give yourself and your DC a better life away from this self obscessed prick.

Dee Romantic idiots tend to be the most priggish, judgemental wankers around. The sort that could write the Daily Mail single-handed and who feel free to pass judgement on women's appearance, while ignoring their own less-than-glorious physique, receding hairline or the hairs protruding from their noses.

They have such a strong internal dialogue that everyone else is wrong and they are right, that when they find themselves going against their own scruples, their natural tendency is to exaggerate their crush feelings and tell themselves that This Is True Love and the worst offenders search for non-existent grievances in their relationship, to give them a justification for their behaviour.

If it gives you any comfort, these new relationships rarely stand the test of time, either because the more emotionally healthy OW realises that her prize is actually a first class wanker, or she tends to be more emotionally unhealthy and volatile than him, and that frightens him. These blokes tend to be completely unreconstructed sexists who put women into boxes and categories.

They are also the easiest type of bloke to detach from, because just as you've confirmed, it suddenly begins to dawn on you just what you've been putting up with for so long.

You're doing really well if you're already seeing him in a clearer light and thinking that in truth, this might have been a lucky escape.

oh dee, I'm sorry to be harsh about a man you were in a relationship with - but he sounds bloody vile!

I totally get your sadness about not having another child - but you have to believe that you are going to have a better future without him than you would have had with him. This has saved you from spending more time with him. Somewhere out there, when you are ready, is someone wonderful for you if that is what you want. Also out there for you is adventures and happiness without him causing you pain and dragging you down with his selfishness.

Whenever your mind dwells on him having fun/ more kids - please know that is not true.

being a wanker is not an enviable life style choice!

We really do reap what we sow in life, and people who are selfish and unkind are never going to be truly happy. Not in the way that you, a far nicer person, will be.

My mum was left by my dad and made the decision that she would never meet anyone better - don't allow that kind of negativity to shape your thinking - you can have whatever future you want.

Life is about what we make of it, I believe that so much and have seen so much evidence of it - in real life and also on here.

Firstly - you need to find a really good therapist.

A hard question to ask of yourself - with the help of this therapist - is why you chose this man and why you spent so long putting up with his selfish behaviour. Did you meet when you were young?

You know his input to your rleationship and as a father was not good enough - thank god he is gone and you are free to meet someone else.

I know how hard it is, but positive thinking is important - make a list of all the dreams you have for the future, the kind of adventures you want to have now he is gone. Have you always wanted to learn a skill/ travel somewhere/ meet new people/ study a course? Begin looking into all of that now.

He is pathetic, seriously. Do not envy him for a moment. Happiness that is hard won because it comes from a proper moral grounding and a knowledge of what a good life is, is far better and more valuableethan selfish shallow happiness.

I think it will be valuable for you to look at how you subsumed your own needs and beliefs for his own selfish ends - so that you can see it doesnt need to be like that in the future.

WIth him - ignore and detach and concentrate on the future you want to build - where it is about you and what you believe in. Do not see yourself as a single person left behind by life - see yourself as free and able to live a life you believe in, with friends you care about.

And - a man's real true colours come out now don't they - regarding money. It is beyond disgusting that you are frightened about finances, when he has only been able to earn as much as he has because you have been doing the childcare.

make sure you get the best possible legal advice - remember, he has to support you by law, it's not a nicety.

You are going through the mill but you seem to be handling this amazingly well, Well Done on getting a job, a real achievement, so don't under estimate that. Fantastic

I would completely agree about the WWIFN comments - about scratched record mantras to his comments however on parenting I could encourage a positive approach, you and him do need to agree approaches to parenting - not for his sake but for your little boy's happiness.

Get yourself books on how to parent through a separation - make sure he gets copies as well. There are some 'rules' and one is that no new partner should be introduced for a period of time.

Like everyone else I think he is on an ego trip - I bet he believes that he deserves this OW, who somehow will be 'better' but I think he has made a big mistake and it won't last..You however will move on, new job, new home, your DS - you may not have as much money as he does but you will be happy. Your intelligence and strength is clear from the posts and I really feel you have an opportunity to make a new and better life for yourself.

Do hang on to that - a future life when you are really happy and relaxed.

Waterrat,

Brilliant quote - "Happiness that is hard won because it comes from a proper moral grounding and a knowledge of what a good life is, is far better and more valuable than selfish shallow happiness"

It seems to be accepted that the goal in life is to be happy irrespective of the consequences on others. I don't support that couples stay together if unhappy but how you leave a relationship and how you treat your partner is important.

Reading Solosts thread, my heart aches. Some of the actions, words, feelings and scenarios are so familiar....though in my case ex didn't give me any fluff about still loving me. Instead played mind games like making out he didn't know if he was having a mid-life crisis or breakdown (admittedly, I did ask this of him to start with in my desperate attempt to find a cause for all of this) and suggesting he take me out on a date and for a birthday lunch as he still had feelings for me and was confused (and this was in the week when OW was visiting him in the UK! Needless to say, we didn't go for lunch after I found out about her on the Sat (lunch was planned for the Sunday after she had flown back to the US)). I did read a lot into those 'signs' - and if I am 100% honest - I still do a bit now. Signs that he misses me, that he realises what he has done, that he is struggling with the OW (though doubt this will happen until they are having to live together as and when she moves here - its all a bit of a holiday romance at the moment....). I am starting to realise that it is all a big game to him, and he could well have been planning and talking to OW about how he was taking me out for a pity lunch or to get me off his back/felt sorry for me....who knows? He has also 'dropped' little things into some of our conversations such as 'and if we ever got back together again' etc etc.

Alldownhillnow - yes, he is used to frequent travel and as he works in account management, is used to the whole wining, dining thing. He got this job about 18 months ago, which also coincides with one of the (many) timelines he has given me about how unhappy he has been. When I mentioned this, he said, it wasn't his job as he really enjoyed it, even though it was a bit stressful, so all the blame lies firmly with me! He has changed a lot and I do realise this. He has become more arrogant and ego driven. He had also started doing all this sales/management courses along the lines of 'what do you want to be', 'how to be your personal best' and found a book (in which card from OW was hidden) that I had never seen before which was about how if you knew you were going to die tomorrow would you be happy with the life you have lived up until then. I do sense that he has some intense, intense anger towards me and at times, it has seemed like he has wanted to punish me. For example, he agreed to leave the big TV here in the living room after he moved out, then a couple of weeks later, he comes round and sees my sister is here watching the TV and gets a cob on and wants to take it back!!? He then backtracks after I start crying - not for the TV's sake, but more about how I saw this as the start of a whole period of uncertainty and him playing power games and taking things back....silly I know.

Waterrat - Thanks for the positive words and thoughts. He has blamed me for causing the affair (apparently, my failings in the relationship make me 'complicit' in it and the affair was a symptom of our relationship). My list is growing ever longer of his faults. There is some sadness there - for example, I always wanted us to take a sabbatical a few years ago before having kids and go travelling for around 6 months or so. Ex poo-pood the idea as he wanted to 'focus on his career' so we/I didn't go. But, yes, you are right, I am now in control of my destiny and future and don't have him and his selfish lardy arse weighing me down. I have just emailed the local Relate office - think I will go for f2f counselling and see about the reduced rate that they offer for low or unwaged incomes until I start working. I agree that this is probably very important to get sorted asap....will give them a call after lunch if no reply to email. I do have a lot of questions that I need to work on and start accepting that I will probably never know the answer or the truth to (easier said than done). For example, how could he have been so unhappy for so long and yet acted a different way and more still, only get the balls to go out and find some happiness once he has met someone else?! Why didn't he leave of his own accord by himself ages ago? But, you are right, I mustn't dwell on this and I should leave him and his happiness to be the good bedfellows that they truly are.....

WWIFN - Ex takes great delight in telling me how he no longer loves me. In fact, last Sat am, I sent him an angry blackberry message (I know, naughty, have stopped now) saying how I was angry that he had put me in this position etc. He replied back by saying 'and you wonder why I left you?' (he has also said this before - in fact 2 weeks after finding out about the affair and when he was still living here. I was pretty peed off with seeing his smug face all the time so snapped at him over something trivial and got the same 'see, this is why I left you and this reinforces my decision every day!' line). He then continued to write that 'he no longer loved me and that he would never get back together with me and I had to just accept that', when I hadn't even mentioned anything along those lines! I had to read the message stream back just to sure in case I was going crazy, but I hadn't been begging or pleading for him to come back...in that instant, I deleted the message stream and his messenger contact details which also deleted them at his end unbeknown to me. He then came round to take DS swimming and mentioned that he could no longer see the message. I ad-libbed what he had written to which he said 'well, I dont remember writing that'...Hmm, I did and copied the message before I deleted. He also now says that he only ever feels 'guilty' when he comes round here to see DS, wonder why? Guess the real world doesn't match up to a love bubble or something? I don't mean to drag over old ground and know that going over old scenarios and conversations are not good, but how can someone change so much? I do realise that the person I loved up and knew up until Dec is effectively gone now......but it is shocking to the core how someone can change so much and seemingly overnight....and I do fear that his 'DS is my priority' mantra (he says it so much, he obviously believes it now) will soon be shown to be a big fat show of empty words. He opted to give me some advice before he left the house (not literally as he was walking out the door, but one evening before he left) - said that in the future I should put my partner before my son?! WTF??? And then a week or so later - as he was literally walking out the door with the removal van waiting to follow him to his new place - he turns around and says to me, he's been crying all day and 'is it too late?'. Politely waved him out the door (and of course broke down in private).

He is a prize idiot - it seems when he was making plans with the OW for their perfect life over here in our town, that they had bargained on my staying around here. When I mentioned that I fancied heading back to the old smoke as from there originally (and family still there) he almost had a fit. Reminded him that I had no job and no immediate family here and that I could always come back and see friends etc. I probably will still here so DS has a bit of stability initially, but he really doesn't get that I can/will meet someone and could bugger off to the other end of the country or world at that point. When I asked him if he'd thought about that and what he would do then he just replied that he would 'just follow' me then....Hmmm, doubt Ms San Fran would like that....but, guess its a moot point for now. I also think that as he can effectively see DS whenever he is in the country, he hasn't factored in how hard it will be doing shared access. I have and am rightly dreading it. Cant get my head around there being a time when I will only see him every other weekend :(

It is also 'clicking' now, how important it is to match my words with my actions in terms of being detached (aside from my wobble a few weeks ago when we had our first house viewings and I went into an email/text/messenger meltdown). I think he probably revels in hearing the anger and strain in my voice as he then makes a big show of how he is talking in a reasonable tone to me etc. Hmmmm, maybe that is why he keeps banging on about 'no longer loving me'??! Post-it notes are at the ready :)

Smum99 - thanks for the encouragement. I have books on being a single parent. Will have to tell him to get the same. He seems to be living in a world where he is making up his own advice or taking the words of his mates and the OW. He thinks DS will just bounce back from all of this because he is so young (and its best it happens now and not in 2 years time). Yes, but boucing back requires hard work and input from the parents, right??!! I was the one who traipsed into town and got DS a storybook about parents splitting up, I am the one who has to tell DS that Daddy has moved out etc. Even on Wednesday night when he came to do the bath (DS wont let him put him to bed with milk - need to work on that), he asked me, 'should I tell him that I'm going to be away for a while?'...Seriously. And bear in mind, he will be away for 6 nights, including the weekend! He thinks that DS is a baby (he is 2.5 years old) in some respects.....

My big fear with the OW is that when she moves here, I know that she will be moving in with ex from day 1 of her arrival in the UK! No living by herself etc and getting to know each other from separate houses. The first time they spend more than 6 days together in a row is when she has shipped herself and her crap over here. And I really dont want DS in that mix.....trying not to think about that too much just now as will really do my head in....

You are right - these things do happen, but as you say, there are certain ways you should treat people, esp when you have children together and will be in each others lives for a long while....he seems to have the opinion and attitude that he has moved on, I need to put up, shut up and get on with it and just accept all these life changing decisions and crap that he has landed me with with a smile and a nod....

And yes, its a great quote! It has been so great and empowering to find so much support and wise words.....

You will gain some huge comfort from realising that he is following a well-worn script. This man can do not wrong and since he knows that infidelity is wrong and Lord knows, he's banged on enough about it being wrong in the past, he simply has to find himself a justification for doing it.

He will be giving himself all the usual hackneyed justifications for having an affair. These never change.

He was deeply unhappy in my marriage. Tick.
I fell in love with a wonderful person. Tick.
I've worked hard all my life and deserve some happiness. Tick.
Life is too short and I'm not getting any younger. Tick.
The OW makes me feel wonderful. Tick.

Now, let's unpick that a little and acknowledge the real truth here. The one that rarely gets acknowledged or admitted by unfaithful people of both genders.

That he simply fancied a sexual and romantic adventure with someone new.

He was unhappy If he was unhappy in his marriage, he could have come to you to express that and seek changes, that he was willing to work on too. That's the adult way of dealing with unhappiness and grievances. Having an affair isn't, because it is a covert choice practised by deceit. More often than you'd think though, this "chat" fails to materialise because actually, the person isn't unhappy at all, beyond the usual stresses and strains of raising DCs and working hard.

He's in love He hasn't fallen in love. He is infatuated at best. He cannot know that this woman is his One True Love, because he doesn't know her, has never lived with her and everything they are seeing right now in eachother is a process of mirroring and best behaviour. Wonderful women also tend not to intrude on others' marriages and emotionally healthy women wouldn't move half way across the world based on a relationship of 24 days standing.

He deserves an adventure Yes, he has worked all his life, but this betrays a highly developed sense of entitlement, doesn't it? That self-reward of a sexual adventure that is going to cause so much collateral damage and pain? Actually, no-one is entitled to happiness that is going to hurt so many others, in the process.

Life's too short Actually life is long and it has an amazing habit of biting you on the backside if you haven't lived it well and with consideration for others. What brings pleasure to kind men and women in midlife, such as more freedom and financial comfort, reaping the benefits of raising kind and wise children, seeing grandchildren born and raised, will elude the selfish mid-lifers who bailed out early. That long life will include reduced financial comfort, lack of sustained contact with children, worsening relationships with children who when older, will blame him, pain and disapproval in the extended family and then worst of all, the realisation that this Goddess has feet of clay, is somewhat volatile and unstable, has unresolved issues that need therapy.

This leads to a much sadder and horrible "Is this it?".....

God bless you WWIFN, I'm going to print that out or something.

Dee, whatever you're going through now, don't forget that by sharing and posting you are helping so many other women going through similar, including lurkers who don't post, but who need to read all this too.

Keep going, you're doing amazingly.

Wonderful insight - WWIFN can you do a publicity campaign on that:) Forget the "eat 5 pieces of fruit & veg' a day message the government needs to sponser this message.

"I know, I know, its all in the past and I shouldn't dwell on it..."

Give yourself a break - this JUST happened.

oh god, this is awful. You've been fucked over and you will be in a tailspin for a while probably. I wouldn't beat yourself up about the excesses in your behaviour at the moment, the extreme pain coming out: leave each day's behaviour behind you and approach the next day fresh. There are no real rules to how you behave at a time like this imo, the only 'rules' are to protect yourself. Your pride has been crushed but the real pain is the abandonment (and for what??). So, the emails lamenting that he has 'ruined your life' - fine, go ahead. He's caught up in a spell and a bit of reality might not go amiss. I know of one man - a friend's husband - who lay down across the front door to try to stop his wife leaving for her OM: his pain was clear. You're not in competition with him Dee. He has done the dirty (and is now blaming you! ) - you don't have to up the ante and play his game. It is not you who should be ashamed of your behaviour.

His personal comments about any aspect of your life and parenting are off limits now that he has absented himself from your life. Let the reality of what he has done be clear - he can't have it all ways. He seems to be keeping his options open (re "if we ever get back together") as well as kidding himself that he can drop you and your history together to run off into the sunset with bit of stuff without any legal or practical recourse (re comments about you getting your own income/let's not let this get messy) - he doesn't want anything to catch his tail and weigh him down. He also seems to think he can move bit of stuff into the same town and you just have to put up with that. You will do what he says is the bottom line, you won't spoil his fantasy by being inconveniently human. He doens't want to see any real human pain because that spoils the fantasy. He's been reading those brainwashing success/selfish books and maybe real life doesn't fit in with those: commitment, staying the course, honourable relationships and behaviour. He's also got enough wealth to kid himself he's a cut above and can do what he likes.

Though please do try not to indulge any paranoia about him and this 'relationship' re "..the emails - need to stop sending them, esp as I guess he could be showing them to her and having a good old laugh about them?!!", also fantasising about him moaning to her about the 'pity lunch' with you. This is an exaggerated view of what may - or may not - be happening. It doens't help you to indulge those fantasies (negative fantasies but fantasies just the same), only adds to the real pain of abandonment and the grief of losing what you considered would be a lifelong commitment. You cant hurry that grief and imo any excesses along the way are legitimate. Imo nothing - apart from violence - is off limits. Though I did fantasise about shocking violence in the privacy of my own head - it relaxed me and calmed me down, as my overriding need was for justice. But perhaps that was just me.

I was going to ask if you could move from the scene of the crime altogether, as DS is not school age, and you have now said that you have considered moving back 'home' to family and friends. He does't like that because, in order for this fantasy of his to work, you have to sit exactly where he puts you in his play and behave in exactly the way he says - a non-person, a cardboard cutout he can project all his self-pity onto (poor man, he had a real life and real commitments - that's tough). You don'#t have to play to his script - I'm not saying do it out of defiance (he's not your dad) but do what is right for YOU; don't reacte to his script but act in your best interests.

btw, the guy who lay across the door - they are back together and have been for a long time now. She says it was a madness on her part (she did the same as your OH, insisting her husband play his silent part in her play), like being possessed, all social rules completely thrown away. It was her responsibility to the kids that finally broke through the spell (plus fancy piece was crap in bed apparently) though she initially put in place elaborate plans to look after them - living close by so she could arrive in the morning before they woke up, get them up and off to school, then go to work; come back to give them supper, put them to bed, go back to fancy man for the night.. Though, as others have said, I would get the legal/financial stuff in place as quickly as possible Dee - photocopy everything - because you don't know how enduring this fantasy could be, particularly when in the grips of absurdity like this. It looks exotic to him, reality an inconvenience - he may put a lot of effort into keeping reality at bay

Sorry this is long. I wish you all the best.

WWIFN - thanks for the breakdown. Very, very insightful!! He has given me all of those lines at some point over the past 8 weeks. His supposed unhappiness has been baffling, esp as it seems to have straddled such a long timeline (18 months is the most he has quoted to me, though he has also said it has been a few months ago - I guess he cant remember which lie he has told to himself/OW/family??). He actually had the nerve to tell me that it was only because of the bad and tense atmosphere at his folks over Xmas that pushed him into leaving us. Muppet didn't even mention the fact that he had started sleeping with OW in early Dec and had been having an emotional affair (and the kissing at initial meeting) for a couple of months by then......As I said, he must really take me for a fool at the moment.....I don't buy the 'in love' and 'true love' line either. I am just baffled that his family and limited friends/mates have not said anything to him about the path he is taking....Though on the family side, I can understand this a bit as on the whole they end to avoid conflict at all costs (see my earlier post regarding how he didn't say a word to his mum and dad about pitching in and helping when they came to visit - they really treated their trips to us as a holiday and often commented about what a lovely break they have had. They have never taken DS out by themselves anywhere - not even suggested it. Never woken up early with him, made him a meal, changed a nappy etc. In fact, all they have done is do a bit of light play - with breaks for their naps and reading their books in the garden - and that's about it! Wouldn't be such a problem but his parents are fairly young and we live at the opposite end of the country to them. TBH, they have always been like this, but wasn't a problem when we didn't have DS. DS' first Xmas was a breaking point as they did nothing whilst I ran around making a complete Christmas dinner - and all other dinners during their stay - whilst looking after a 4 month old baby that didn't like sleeping). At times, it does seem like he has chosen to keep the peace at home (hmmm - very revealing!) and ditch me/us. But I know that is deflecting the blame and issues a bit? Needless to say though, I am glad that I no longer have to endure these visits (just need to ram it into ex's stupefied brain that he now has sole responsibility to make sure DS is well looked after/treated when visiting them or when they visit him).

Even though it is around 24 days of contact, he does like to bleat on about how they have shared a connection since Oct, so guess by his reckoning, they are rocking up to their 5 month anniversary at the end of this month!

He is definitely on the 'life is too short' train at the moment. Lots of nonsense talk about how I am in charge of my own happiness (and he for his - which is why he has chosen to live in a house around the corner on his tod and pine for his one true love and count the days between their meetings/her arrival. Quite pathetic really).

robberbutton - thanks for the encouragement. This has been a revealing and healing experience so far

spidookly - you are right. I should give myself a break. Its just been such a whirlwind 2 months/8 weeks :) . There has been revelation of the affair, ex moving out, me getting a full-time job, putting the house on the market and just generally getting on with it all! I fully expect to be up the duff, hitched (not to ex though) and living in New Zealand by the end of the year at this rate!!! I will promise to give myself proper time to heal and indulge in some much needed venting and dwelling :)

smokingnuns - long posts are good! I do see that he is playing the blame game and I am trying not to get sucked into it all. I know that I cant be to blame for it all (and even he says that he wishes he hadn't internalised his feelings so much - not much said about wishing he hadn't had an affair, but hey, when you meet the love of your life, everything is good, no?!). Yes, you are spot on, he does expect me to play a certain role and just put up and shut up. He is completely delusional. I asked him what would happen once OW wanted kids and decided it was time to head back to the US, he started on about how that wouldn't happen, he would never leave DS and that he was his priority!!! He is seriously mad - I have never met OW or know much about her, but can imagine that she would be thinking about moving back home if she wanted to start a family.....BUT, think this is straying a bit too much into their warped relationship and going-ons!!! Very interesting story regarding your friends. How long did it take for the wife to come to her senses? Don't worry, not on that track of 'when will he come back' thoughts, but, the idea of giving him a good old shove and kick to the curb if he does come snivelling back can brighten up an otherwise dull day!! Hmm - probably a good thing that I will soon be pre-occupied with work to keep my thoughts and idle day-dreaming in check....

Sorry - meant to highlight the names in above post!!

One thing I forgot to ask - how should I react/interact with him whilst he is away? He is obviously with her so have mixed feelings. I feel like I am getting some much needed breathing space from seeing him in the evenings when he comes round for DS' bath and play (which is all he does - the lazy so and so can walk over a soiled nappy at the front door that needs to go out). But he is calling morning and evening. I think this is too much, esp as DS is only 2.5 and barely talks on the phone at the best of times. Have been allowing the calls in case he starts playing the 'you're blocking me from seeing my son' card - which I would never do, unless DS' safety is in question. Also, thinking that he will remember me saying 1 call a day as and when I need/want to go away in the future or when he has weekend access set-up, so I guess I feel that I have to pander to him a bit? But I am keeping my distance. Usually just say hello (I can see that the call is international anyway) and then pass phone to DS who babbles for a bit before putting the phone down on the cradle which cuts him off :) . He phoned back straight away to ask about DS and his day but ignored the phone and it went to the answerphone. Just sent a short text back and told him what time we are heading out tomorrow if he wants to call for him in the morning....What would any of you wise ladies do in this situation? Does this sound detached enough or am I making this all too easy for him? Last time he was in the US over NYE, I sat here like a idiot penning long, searching emails and going into minute detail about what DS and I had been up to and sending him pics. Of course, I didn't know he was with her all along.... :-( He had the cheek to ask me to set-up a skype account so he could speak and see DS over webcam whilst he is in her apartment! He only mentioned it as I called him up on the fact that he was good at using his webcam to keep in close contact with her (at the time got the usual 'its none of your business' line)......

Hi Dee,

Have just wanted to send you my support.

Hope my threads help. You seem to be doing so much better than I was at this point!

It does get better though, and detatching does help.

Nothing else to add, am still working through it all myself but the wonderful ladies on here are fab - I wouldnt be where I am now without them.

Take care x

Dee,
The advice from WWIFN and smokingnuns is the best you can get!
These men ALL have THE SAME SCRIPT!
You sound very switched on which will stand you in good stead! Think I was still numb at this stage, could barely speak

What I will say is don't worry about the phone calls (it will take time, but you will get to the stage where you're not worried about what he will think, or say, or accuse you of etc)
If its convenient, and it suits YOU and DS then yes, allow them to 'speak' but please don't do it because you feel he will be able to accuse you of blocking him from his son - as HE is the one doing damage to the relationship with his son.

I probably shouldn't be posting because it's late (and I notoriously get carried away when I'm tired )

BUT

I get so tired of hearing about fathers - or society in general - blackmailing mothers with the 'witholding contact' argument. It is a pernicious tool and, from what one sees and reads on these boards, totally effective; forcing women to put up with intolerable abuse sometimes - just plain forcing actually, against all better judgement. He has fucked up the family (I am more convinced than ever that those books have filled his head with tosh btw), not you. You're trying to keep your head and heart from shattering (you will succeed btw, don't worry) and holding the fort. Don't let him or the situation blackmail you, either actually or by inference. You are not a bad mother, you don't have to prove that.

As for the excessive phones calls - dear me, he really does demand it all ways. I know the trip away will be painful for you dee but it will at least give you a break from him and a chance to get your bearings. I always think that a time of complete withdrawal from the tormentor's presence - spoken or actual - reaps tremendous dividends, providing a space to get some peace and healing under your belt. It's having them in your face all the time that tears the wound open again . I would limit the contact - work out what you think is acceptable, it doesn't have to be every day fgs, much less twice a day. He has bolted, let him stew in that juice - ds won't notice, his dad has been away plenty of times before. As for the skyping from her apartment - an example of the outrageous sense of entitlement he is forcing on you, which is gross . You will not and do not accept this alien woman, presented to you as a fait accomplis, one minute not here, next fully here and forced in your face, destroying your relationshp and marriage in a stroke. He may be mad but you don't have to be mad too.

These men roast you on a skewer and insist you will not murmur a word in protest. Your son needs a balanced mother. I'm sorry to say that ime these men who are hell-bent on fulfilling their agenda notoriously refuse to see the awful fallout on the mother (usually the mother - sorry guys) which directly impacts the child/ren.

Hope you wake up today feeling sane and calm dee.

(btw, my friend was away from the marital home for a month.)