*Trigger warning* Here we go again...

(648 Posts)
Frazzlerock Sat 28-Mar-20 17:59:05

We have just found out last week that I'm pregnant again.

The past 4 years we have been TTC on and off which has resulted in 3 MMC at 9 weeks and 1 spontaneous MC at 4 weeks.
Our last baby died in January this year and I'm still grieving and emotionally recovering from surgery. We are still waiting for the test results. Our sweet baby took us a very long and painful year to conceive (PCOS)

Since then we have actively been avoiding pregnancy. Following my app which predicts ovulation. I had no worries as I don't conceive easily, even when it's timed perfectly cycle after cycle.
I was booked to have a copper coil fitted at the end of April
But in true Sod's Law fashion I randomly ovulated early (never happened before, it's always late if anything) and fell pregnant. I even took the MAP when my app suddenly brought ovulation forward. It clearly didn't work 🤔

I can't get excited. We never wanted to have to go through yet another MMC. It's just too hard and has beaten us down immensely. I know for a fact this one will be no different to the others.
My recurrent miscarriage team have told me that there are no 'reassurance' scans for the foreseeable. My only scan will be at 12 weeks - by then I could have a dead baby inside me for at least 3 weeks.

I'm terrified I will start to love this baby like I did all the others. I need to know how not to bond as I simply can't go through the agony of babyloss again.

How can I distance myself from this one? It's not even like I can go out and do things to take my mind off it!

I wish I could be like everyone else and have hope and no worries. It seems like the whole world just has babies with no trouble (in my small world anyway)

And of all the times I could get pregnant It had to be during a fucking pandemic...

I don't know what I'm asking really, just tips on how to not get my hopes up like I have every single time.

OP’s posts: |
BalloonSlayer Sat 28-Mar-20 18:16:14

I don't know what to say other than I am so sorry for your losses and that I remember that feeling very well.

After 3 miscarriages, when I got pregnant for the fourth time I was resigned to losing the baby. I made few preparations as I couldn't see it happening. I thought I would believe I was having a baby when I held it in my arms. It's such a shame when everyone else seems to get to enjoy their pregnancies.

But it's ok to love the little pregnancy. There's nothing wrong with loving someone.

flowers Thinking of you.

BalloonSlayer Sat 28-Mar-20 18:17:57

Sorry how do you know for a fact this one will be the same?

BeingATwatItsABingThing Sat 28-Mar-20 18:25:28

I didn’t want to read and run. I’m so sorry for your losses and really hope it doesn’t happen again for you. flowers

Frazzlerock Sat 28-Mar-20 18:26:55

I know there's nothing wrong with loving someone but I can't get hurt again. It's too much. I've been to hell and am still clawing my way back since the last one.

Okay, I don't know "for a fact" but I'm 99% certain this one will be no different.

Thanks for your worded. I just need to somehow make sure I distance myself in preparation of the inevitable and I don't really know how.
I'm not installing any apps this time or following any baby related things.
I'm not going to join any ante natal groups on here either.

It's really shit isn't it. How lovely it would be to enjoy this special time.

OP’s posts: |
TwinkleStars15 Sat 28-Mar-20 19:03:23

@Frazzlerock I’m not going to pretend to know how you feel, as no one knows, but I did have a MMC discovered at my 12 week scan followed by two earlier miscarriages, and I know how tough I have found this pregnancy.

I didn’t join any groups, didn’t read about babies, didn’t talk about the pregnancy etc, only told my mum and no one else. When she or my partner said anything about the baby’s arrival, I’d reply with “we’ll see” or “if” because I couldn’t even think about that as a possibility.

Scans are a trigger for me because of the previous 12 week scan (baby only died the week before) but I was offered scans at 5, 6, and 9 weeks, as well as the usual 12 week scan. Every single one was terrifying.

Be kind to yourself and do whatever it takes to get through. Don’t talk about the pregnancy if you don’t want to, even with your partner. Don’t tell anyone if you don’t want to. Stay away from anything baby related. But you should take folic acid in case there is a chance everything will be okay. You’ll only end up worrying about the possible repercussions if you do make it to 12 weeks and haven’t taken it.

Be kind to yourself flowers

Whatsthesmell Sat 28-Mar-20 20:51:57

Oh @Frazzlerock I feel for you.
I can relate to your story, my first pregnancy resulted in a stillbirth, followed by two miscarriages, the latter being a mmc resulting in surgery. We decided to stop ttc and low and behold pregnant.
I somehow managed to "accept" I was pregnant but didn't consider myself "to be having a baby". So in other words doing the rights things without getting attached. It was hard I had hope but felt differently to other times.

There is no easy way through these next few weeks til you get your scan.

Keep talking


Frazzlerock Sat 28-Mar-20 21:15:48

@TwinkleStars15 I am taking folic acid, well folate actually as it's better and also Pregnacare Plus. I obviously want to give this one the best shot given they've survived the MAP. I almost feel like this one is trying it's best. Even the random early ovulation has me thinking this one is 'meant to be'.
But I just need techniques to stop getting so attached, emotionally.

Re scans, I feel they're pointless. With our most recent baby we had a scan at 8 weeks which was perfect and the most positive experience we've had. Then I had another a week later and baby was dead.
What's the point in getting my hopes up? I wish they would stop calling them 'reassurance' scans.
So it's bitter sweet not being able to have scans this time. But I would rather know at 9 weeks if our baby is dead instead of waiting three more weeks because my body doesn't seem to know how to miscarry naturally.

@Whatsthesmell I'm currently doing what you described. I've accepted it but don't feel like I'm having a baby. I can't even imagine it like I did the others. But I know what I'm like and as time goes on I will start getting attached. But then I worry if I don't I'll never get that bond.

I just wish I could fast forward to 9 weeks and get through the inevitable MMC and 4th round of surgical management, then get the coil put in and move on. All this waiting and worrying for the next 5-8 weeks is too much to bear. 😢

OP’s posts: |
Frazzlerock Sat 28-Mar-20 21:16:25

Also I meant to say I'm really sorry that you've also been through this shit too

OP’s posts: |
Whatsthesmell Sat 28-Mar-20 21:31:15

If this pregnancy works don't worry about bonding later, I'd will come. Not necessarily straight you may feel happy but unattached still for a while, but you will bond by birth.

I totally get the scans and reassurance, I got multiple early scans each times and every one made me fall more in love and more hopeful. Maybe the lack of scan can help keeping you unattached for now.

Try make loose non baby plans for the future, I know that's hard just now but try something anything.

I wish I could make time go fast for you

Frazzlerock Sun 12-Apr-20 14:08:11

I don't know if anyone is still following this.
We lost our baby this morning. We reached 7 weeks today which is earlier than most of our lost babies so it was quite a surprise, but not at the same time.
Quite odd as my boobs were especially sore yesterday and I was exceptionally thirsty so I assumed things were good.

I started bleeding heavily and immediately took progesterone as previously advised by our MC team. But about an hour later I birthed two very large clots. I don't know if this meant we had twins or if this is normal for one?

The only spontaneous MC I've had was our 2nd at only 4 weeks and only experienced a lot of blood but no clots. My others were surgical so I didn't see anything except blood.
This is a really different experience.
This may sound grim but I've saved the clots as I imagine our baby is in there somewhere.

I'm going to collect our previous baby from the hospital (a little boy we discovered last week who had Trisomy 15) to be cremated alongside this little one.

Our 5th and final baby together.

Yesterday we should have been getting married but our big day was obviously cancelled, and now this.

I really do think the universe hates us and I'd love to find out when or if our luck will ever change for the better.

OP’s posts: |
maa1992 Sun 12-Apr-20 14:11:31

I am so, so sorry for your loss OP

Wired4sound Sun 12-Apr-20 14:13:21

Oh frazzlerock how sad, I am so sorry. Virtual hugs and flowers

Beamur Sun 12-Apr-20 14:13:34

I'm sorry this has happened to you xx

Byets Sun 12-Apr-20 14:18:37

I am so sorry op, thinking of you x

simplekindoflife Sun 12-Apr-20 14:23:12

Oh OP, I'm so sorry thanks

autumnboys Sun 12-Apr-20 14:27:55

I’m really so sorry. Thinking of you today. flowers

MotherofKitties Sun 12-Apr-20 14:31:44

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through OP. Sending you love thanks xx

Aly92 Sun 12-Apr-20 14:33:02

I’ve had two mc and every Morning I wake up to prepare myself to see blood. I just try to set milestones. I go week by week. It’s natural to not feel attached. It helps not to tell everyone. Only my husband knows and I won’t tell family until I’m a bit more reassured at the 12 weeks scan. Take it day by day whatever is going to happen is going to happen you can’t change that. Who knows maybe this will be different and a blessing in disguise. Don’t lose hope just yet. We’re here to listen no matter what.

Aly92 Sun 12-Apr-20 14:34:59

OMG I just read your update I’m so sorry for your loss hun. I know the feeling too well. Please stay strong . You will get through this too.

Frazzlerock Sun 12-Apr-20 15:01:16

It's funny isn't it. Every single time there's that tiny bit of hope. Don't know how I could be so stupid. Of COURSE my baby won't survive, why would I think differently?

4 years ago I was happy. I never imagined I'd lose 1 baby, let alone 5. I miss that person, Now I'm just bitter, I have no trust in life, and find it very hard to find anything amusing.

No more babies, no more losses. Just a horrible woman with a hole in her heart and a future husband who will no doubt (and quite rightly) get fed up with me and move onto a happy life.

OP’s posts: |
loubert89 Sun 12-Apr-20 15:09:58

I'm so sorry OP

Crackerscheesescabbyknees Sun 12-Apr-20 15:21:28

I'm so sorry for your losses @Frazzlerock.
Having a baby is something you have clearly longed for and there are options besides the natural route.
Take all the time you need to grieve. And don't write yourself off as a horrible woman with a hole in your heart.
You are a woman that has suffered loss, more than most could bear, and have survived.
Your ability to reproduce isn't who you are as a person and you're going to be okay. It's just going to take time. Time that the universe hasn't given you yet.

Be gentle with yourself.
Be gentle with your partner.

Best wishes.

FireflyGirl Sun 12-Apr-20 15:30:43

OP have you spoken to your GP or the Miscarriage Association? After everything you've been through, I really feel that you would benefit from counselling. Be kind to yourself flowers cake

Imtootired Sun 12-Apr-20 15:32:42

I just read your last post and it made me so sad. It’s completely normal to be very sad and angry but try not to get too down on yourself about it. It’s a medical issue not a personal failure. You will get through this.

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