*Trigger warning* Here we go again...

[Frazzlerock]

We have just found out last week that I'm pregnant again.

The past 4 years we have been TTC on and off which has resulted in 3 MMC at 9 weeks and 1 spontaneous MC at 4 weeks.
Our last baby died in January this year and I'm still grieving and emotionally recovering from surgery. We are still waiting for the test results. Our sweet baby took us a very long and painful year to conceive (PCOS)

Since then we have actively been avoiding pregnancy. Following my app which predicts ovulation. I had no worries as I don't conceive easily, even when it's timed perfectly cycle after cycle.
I was booked to have a copper coil fitted at the end of April
But in true Sod's Law fashion I randomly ovulated early (never happened before, it's always late if anything) and fell pregnant. I even took the MAP when my app suddenly brought ovulation forward. It clearly didn't work 🤔

I can't get excited. We never wanted to have to go through yet another MMC. It's just too hard and has beaten us down immensely. I know for a fact this one will be no different to the others.
My recurrent miscarriage team have told me that there are no 'reassurance' scans for the foreseeable. My only scan will be at 12 weeks - by then I could have a dead baby inside me for at least 3 weeks.

I'm terrified I will start to love this baby like I did all the others. I need to know how not to bond as I simply can't go through the agony of babyloss again.

How can I distance myself from this one? It's not even like I can go out and do things to take my mind off it!

I wish I could be like everyone else and have hope and no worries. It seems like the whole world just has babies with no trouble (in my small world anyway)

And of all the times I could get pregnant It had to be during a fucking pandemic...

I don't know what I'm asking really, just tips on how to not get my hopes up like I have every single time.

[ElspethFlashman]

Thinking of you. x

[Frazzlerock]

@Emmieshere there's no need to worry about me. Right now (as far as I know) baby is fine so, apart from being unable to hug my nearest and dearest, I'm ok 👌
Hopefully this will continue!
Also I have a bereavement midwife (who specialises in Babyloss) who is in regular contact with me.

[AndWhat]

I had 6 Mc in total was 5th time lucky for me with ds1. I don’t think I truly believed until I was holding him that that dream had come true.
My recurring Mc team was amazing and their support encouraged me to try for ds2 and even though we suffered 2 subsequent losses I would go through every ounce of heartache for my gorgeous boys.
I so hope you get to have the happy ending we got!

[Isadora2007]

Oh god what a journey- I was in tears and then laughing with relief and now I’m just wishing you and your little bean all the very best from afar

[Frazzlerock]

Morning all

So I'm now in my 9th week as I turned 8 weeks yesterday.

This is the scary week. 3 out of 4 of my miscarried babies have died just before 9 weeks and a 'reassurance' scan at 9 weeks has shown our baby with no heartbeat.

I'm not going to be scanned this time as the RMC aren't doing scans at the moment so I'm not going to know now unless I have another heavy bleed (in which case the EPU will scan), or until we have the Harmony at 10 weeks.
The not knowing is going to drive me crazy. I keep prodding at my boobs and I'm convinced they don't hurt as much as the did before. I wish I had more symptoms to go by so I could gauge this a little better.

I'm not sure I can stand this for two more weeks

[Addler]

I know the feeling about lack of symptoms, I'm the same! I keep thinking it's gone wrong again as I just don't feel pregnant anymore apart from being an emotional and angry mess.

I'm 8+6 today, which is what I was last time I miscarries, I have a private scan at lunchtime just to check whether there's still a heartbeat and it's still growing, then hopefully that will get me through until the 12 week scan in May.

Have you thought about booking one? Just so you're not sitting waiting and going out of your mind?

[mrssunshinexxx]

@Frazzlerock you are doing so well. Has your husband come round at all ?
So much easier said than done but try and keep your feet up and relax as much as possible, have baths, would you consider some yoga ? Stress is negative on anyone in any situation so you need to try and avoid that just take each day at a time and take comfort that a lot of women don't get many symptoms at all.
We are all routing for you and this baby x

[Bumblebee413]

Sending you so much love @Frazzlerock x

[Frazzlerock]

Oh @Addler please let us know how you get on

I don't know whether to go private or not. I just don't know if I'll get the reassurance if there is still a heartbeat, as the next day I'll be convinced its gone wrong again and I can't be scanned everyday. I honestly don't think anything will help me really.

@mrssunshinexxx DP seems a little more communicative now and more friendly, but we had some struggles between us over the weekend which were really stressful. He's just finding this all so hard and his mental health is suffering massively. He can't look at the scan pictures yet. I'm trying really hard not to let it stress me but it's so hard.

I do need to do something, yoga maybe like you say. Although I did this in previous pregnancies and I guess I expected the result to be a healthy baby and they all still died so I just feel that being relaxed doesn't seem to help the outcome. But I know it helps the mind regardless so yes I should just do it. I work FT and also overseeing homeschooling my 14 and 11 year olds (from previous marriage) so trying to fit in 'me time' is tricky. But I will do it. I followed a pregnancy yoga thing before so will have another go at that

Thank you for your support. I do wonder if this one is putting up a real fight given whats happened - random early ovulation, MAP, AND two heavy bleeds. If this one dies then there is no way in hell I'm doing this again. The men in the white coats will be round!

[stophuggingme]

Just read all the thread and I just wanted to wish you and your baby the very best.

[TwinkleStars15]

@frazzlerock I’m going to get flamed for this, but, I had three previous loses and found the first weeks so so stressful, it was just awful not knowing if baby was okay or not, so I used a home doppler. I researched exactly how to use it and it made such a massive difference to me. I found baby’s heartbeat daily from 9.5 weeks and have now stopped using it because I can feel baby moving so it is no longer safe to use for reassurance. My midwife completely understood. If you are a sensible, educated women then I really don’t see what all the hoo haa is about. It’s the silly silly women who use them instead of antenatal care, or if concerned about reduced movements, that give them a bad name.

[Frazzlerock]

Oooh I don't know about a doppler, even in the early weeks.

Can it really pick up a tiny heartbeat so early? What if I can't find it? I'll be going nuts.

Out of interest, which one did you get? I really don't think its a good idea for me personally but I'm nosy

[mrssunshinexxx]

@Frazzlerock do you have a friend or no any midwife that would come and have a listen under such circumstances ? PP it's not a bad shout but would be awful if you just couldn't find it but there is one there

[Frazzlerock]

No @mrssunshinexxx no one I know who would come within 2 metres. I have a bereavement midwife who has been amazing and has been calling me to check in, but there's no way she'd risk coming over with any equipment - if she even had it I'm not sure if bereavement midwives still do normal midwifery. But it was a good suggestion nonetheless

[booroo]

I would advise a Doppler even trained midwifes can struggle to pick up a heartbeat before 16 weeks, it could cause unnecessary panic for you when all is ok
All the best wishes for you and hope you get the happiness you so deserve :)

[Frazzlerock]

Also @TwinkleStars15 how easy was it to find the heartbeat? And did you not freak out if/when you couldn't find it?
Also, are they safe in early preg?

In my last pregnancy i had a scan with my MC team at 8 weeks and there was a lovely heartbeat. I asked if it was possible to listen to it and she said that some private clinics offer that but they don't as it is too much for the baby. But maybe ultrasound is different to dopplers?

[Frazzlerock]

no I won't @booroo, I'm just inquisitive. I know it would be a really bad idea for me personally, but I do understand why Twinkle suggested it if it worked for her

[IHateMyPassportPhoto]

Please don't buy a doppler. Even very experienced hcp's would struggle to find a heartbeat at that gestation.

[anyoneforbingo]

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run. I TTC'd for 9 years and had 6 MC. I coped by not thinking of them as babies or using the term babies. It was too hard. I just used fetus to try and stop myself becoming emotionally attached (which is impossible) for me it helped separating fetus inside me from the baby I longed for.

I have everything crossed that this one works out for you. I just wanted to share my coping mechanism.

[BeMorePacific]

To any mums to be. You have to be very cautious using a Doppler. There are a lot of sounds that you can pick up that give you false reassurance. Or you might not pick anything up, and be worrying without cause. x

[TwinkleStars15]

@Frazzlerock absolutely understand why you’d not want to I personally found it really reassuring from 9.5 weeks until my 12 week scan. The first time it took about 15 minutes because I was searching far too high! It’s so tiny and right down near your pelvis, once I’d figured that out it was much easier. There are lots of sounds but baby’s heartbeat is around 140-180 beats per minute, people get confused with their own heartbeat which is much much slower, or the placenta which is more of a whooshing sound. Once you know what you’re looking for it’s fairly easy (it sounds like a horse galloping!) I think there are some Dopplers that are more sensitive than others. I really don’t understand how a trained midwife would struggle to detect a heartbeat at 16 weeks

[stophuggingme]

@Twinklestar

The pulse rate from the umbilical cord can also sound like a foetal heart rate
Midwives are trained to interpret peaks and dips which can indicate distress or foetal hypoxia

Also if a woman is overweight and or is an anterior placenta and the baby is in an awkward position it is not always easy to locate a heart beat with confidence. Also at sixteen weeks a baby is still quite small.
My youngest is almost two and a half and at my sixteen week appointment my midwife did not check the heartbeat.

There has long been calls to ban the sale of Dopplers to the general public as sadly there are cases where reliance in them has proved tragic. Equally women have got themselves into total states because they could not locate a heartbeat with one but all has been well with the baby upon a stressful emergency mau experience

I appreciate that for some people hearing a heartbeat is reassuring but there are too many factors influencing the reliability and appropriateness of them in untrained hands

[TwinkleStars15]

@stophuggingme the times when reliance on Dopplers has been tragic is when women don’t use them properly I.e they don’t think they’ve felt baby move for a while so get the Doppler out, which is just ridiculous and stupid. They should always seen medical advice. What I am talking about is very different; there is absolutely no stopping a miscarriage in the early weeks, so a doppler won’t change anything in that respect. For someone who has had three early-ish loses, it was massively reassuring. As I said before, if you are a sensible, educated individual, who DOES NOT use it in place of medical advice, and only in the early weeks for reassurance, then it shouldn’t cause such a hype. Obviously if someone is overweight, or has an anterior placenta (which I do) then they shouldn’t necessarily expect the same results from it - referring to my ‘educated’ comment.

[TheLovleyChebbyMcGee]

Just wanted to say how happy O am for you Frazzle!! Hope you are feeling ok And that this week isn't too hard on you.

[Addler]

@Frazzlerock Good news for me today, although DP wasn't allowed in when we got there which was upsetting, but I saw a gummy bear/dinosaur of a baby and saw the heart beating away and it even gave a little wiggle while they were doing measurements. Measuring 8+1 which has caught up from my scan a few weeks ago!

I know something could still go wrong, but it is reassuring that even though I don't have many symptoms it's still been growing.

I hope the next few weeks go by smoothly and quickly for you, I really really do