*Trigger warning* Here we go again...

[Frazzlerock]

We have just found out last week that I'm pregnant again.

The past 4 years we have been TTC on and off which has resulted in 3 MMC at 9 weeks and 1 spontaneous MC at 4 weeks.
Our last baby died in January this year and I'm still grieving and emotionally recovering from surgery. We are still waiting for the test results. Our sweet baby took us a very long and painful year to conceive (PCOS)

Since then we have actively been avoiding pregnancy. Following my app which predicts ovulation. I had no worries as I don't conceive easily, even when it's timed perfectly cycle after cycle.
I was booked to have a copper coil fitted at the end of April
But in true Sod's Law fashion I randomly ovulated early (never happened before, it's always late if anything) and fell pregnant. I even took the MAP when my app suddenly brought ovulation forward. It clearly didn't work 🤔

I can't get excited. We never wanted to have to go through yet another MMC. It's just too hard and has beaten us down immensely. I know for a fact this one will be no different to the others.
My recurrent miscarriage team have told me that there are no 'reassurance' scans for the foreseeable. My only scan will be at 12 weeks - by then I could have a dead baby inside me for at least 3 weeks.

I'm terrified I will start to love this baby like I did all the others. I need to know how not to bond as I simply can't go through the agony of babyloss again.

How can I distance myself from this one? It's not even like I can go out and do things to take my mind off it!

I wish I could be like everyone else and have hope and no worries. It seems like the whole world just has babies with no trouble (in my small world anyway)

And of all the times I could get pregnant It had to be during a fucking pandemic...

I don't know what I'm asking really, just tips on how to not get my hopes up like I have every single time.

[Mammaaof]

Just read this thread congratulations!!! Xx

[Herpesfreesince03]

Don’t give up hope op x

[Wonkydonkey44]

Congratulations 🥳 such lovely news x

[Lllot5]

Good luck love xx

[bluebell94]

Oh my goodness bless you. What a horrible journey but I'm so thrilled with your update! Wishing you the best of luck, will be thinking of you!! Xx

[Darinka91]

I didn't want to just read and run OP. Your story got me emotional, I admire how brave you are and can't even imagine how much you must be worrying. I so sooo hope everything works out and your little fighter baby will ok, please do update when you have news xx

[Jesskir89]

Following this thread now op as in 7 months time I want to see a pic of your miracle baby I cried my eyes out a minute ago now I'm crying happy tears after reading your update. I previously mmc at 16 weeks so throughout my second pregnancy I was petrified even during labour, I'm now watching my husband cuddle my 5 week old baby, this will be you too very soon x

[ohcorona]

This is amazing.
I wanted to say I had massive bleeding with my 2nd with lots of clots and was told to prepare for the worst but then they saw a heartbeat, but I held back as didn't want to give you false hope.
Wishing all the luck to you.

[everpessimistic]

Window to the womb are still doing reassurance scans if you can’t wait till your 10 week! Can I ask where you’re getting harmony done? X

[DodgeRainClouds]

Love this update!!! Congratulations xx sending positive thoughts your way xx

[Dragongirl10]

So happy for you Frazzle.... from someone who had a MC at 12 weeks and 2 ectopic pregnancies l have every sympathy for what you have been through...l now have a 12 and 13 yr old!
A gentle suggestion to get through this coming pregnancy for however long, hopefully full term...
Take up yoga, traditional slow Hatha yoga and really focus on learning to breath and control your thoughts....this has seen me through so many awful times, it is a life skill..
Spend every spare minute practicing yoga breathing and meditation, it will really help you at this stressful time.
Also avoid all unecessary stress, be kind to yourself, try not to be negative, avoid negative people and situations at all costs, don't watch the news....yoga helped me to find a quiet , calm place in my own head, and it has got me through every difficult time in my life.
Fingers crossed for you

[Neeentay]

That was a rollercoaster of a thread, I can’t imagine what you have been through the past four years. You are a very strong woman! And this little baby is a tough cookie too. I don’t know you but I‘ll keep everything crossed for a positive outcome. You more than deserve it!

[Elsie2211]

Congrats OP, I cried reading this first empathetic and secondly happy tears xx

[ChipotleBlessing]

I really hope this works out for you, you’ve had such a tough time of it.

[Minkies13]

I'm so happy they found a heartbeat!!! I'll be checking back for updates.

[ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal]

I've got everything crossed for a healthy pregnancy for you op

[EmmaDobs92]

Didn't want to read and run but I was in tears reading your story last night OP and was so happy to hear it turned it's self around 💕 will be thinking of you an can't wait to hear what's next xx

[twinkledag]

What an amazing update! Keep fighting little bean and keep posting OP! We're all rooting for you 🌼🌼🌼

[Frazzlerock]

Thank you so much.
I'm overwhelmed with emotion from all the kindness and support on this thread.

DP is finding all this incredibly hard to deal with and has distanced himself from me (which is fair enough for him) so to get the love from complete strangers means more than you know during this very lonely time.

It's especially appreciated during this crappy time when we all need kindness and support. 🧡

I'm now looking into sorting out our Harmony/Nipt scan at 10 weeks. If we get that far, that will be the next hurdle

I hope you all have a lovely weekend

[So12345]

I’m so sorry to read what’s happened to you @Frazzlerock. It’s completely unfair. I really hope there is something lovely for you around the corner. Xxx

[Troubledmummy3]

Frazzlerock ❤️❤️ I cried reading this thread! Then you got a heartbeat!!! What an emotional rollercoaster you have been on. I am honestly keeping EVERYTHING crossed for you ❤️ I had a massive bleed at 4 weeks (2 weeks after taking the MAP) so didn't even test as thought the pill had worked. Found out 2 weeks later I was 6 weeks pregnant! I couldn't believe it and they thought due to the bleeding that I'd miscarried... I'm now 16+2! My husband bought me a Doppler at 8 weeks and I found the heartbeat at 8w5d! It's got stronger and stronger ever since! It's so reassuring to hear and although I know midwives don't like us relying on them maybe buying one may bring some reassurance as each day goes by? I'm keeping absolutely EVERYTHING crossed for you xx

[MotherofKitties]

I'm so pleased you found a heartbeat OP. I realise this is still a very stressful and uncertain time but try to relax as much as you can and good luck for the NIPT x

[TwistyHair]

Oh my goodness @Frazzlerock. You must be exhausted with this. The time until your scan must feel an eternity away

[Emmieshere]

I couldn’t imagine what your going through and I’m so sorry for this dark time in your life. I’m very worried about you and think you should try seeking someone who specializes with this kind of loss. You must need to make sure that your going to be ok now. I pray for you and your family and I hope your able to seek some kind of help through this very dark time in your life.

[BaroleCaskin]

Sending you loads of love and strength OP, thinking of you! 💐