*Trigger warning* Here we go again...

[Frazzlerock]

We have just found out last week that I'm pregnant again.

The past 4 years we have been TTC on and off which has resulted in 3 MMC at 9 weeks and 1 spontaneous MC at 4 weeks.
Our last baby died in January this year and I'm still grieving and emotionally recovering from surgery. We are still waiting for the test results. Our sweet baby took us a very long and painful year to conceive (PCOS)

Since then we have actively been avoiding pregnancy. Following my app which predicts ovulation. I had no worries as I don't conceive easily, even when it's timed perfectly cycle after cycle.
I was booked to have a copper coil fitted at the end of April
But in true Sod's Law fashion I randomly ovulated early (never happened before, it's always late if anything) and fell pregnant. I even took the MAP when my app suddenly brought ovulation forward. It clearly didn't work 🤔

I can't get excited. We never wanted to have to go through yet another MMC. It's just too hard and has beaten us down immensely. I know for a fact this one will be no different to the others.
My recurrent miscarriage team have told me that there are no 'reassurance' scans for the foreseeable. My only scan will be at 12 weeks - by then I could have a dead baby inside me for at least 3 weeks.

I'm terrified I will start to love this baby like I did all the others. I need to know how not to bond as I simply can't go through the agony of babyloss again.

How can I distance myself from this one? It's not even like I can go out and do things to take my mind off it!

I wish I could be like everyone else and have hope and no worries. It seems like the whole world just has babies with no trouble (in my small world anyway)

And of all the times I could get pregnant It had to be during a fucking pandemic...

I don't know what I'm asking really, just tips on how to not get my hopes up like I have every single time.

@anyoneforbingo I suppose saying 'yes absolutely you've got no chance' is more helpful to someone in that situation? I didn't see the later posts by accident where the OP stated she has since had more bleeding, you saying 'ffs' and being is quite negative and probably something the OP could do without. Good evening

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this, sending massive positive thoughts your way 💐

@maria2bela if you had read the full thread you'd see that I have been in a similar situation to the OP and can completely empathise with her emotional exhaustion. So actually I also understand that bullshit stay positive platitudes are not helpful and are actually really fucking annoying when you're going through it.

I'm so sorry, what a horrible rollercoaster for you 😭😤😭

I'm still clinging on to hope for you OP

@anyoneforbingo I too have been through something similar, many years of infertility and then miscarriages, and positivity really helped me get through and gave me hope to keep pushing on, so it's each to their own and you might not like my message but it's based on my own experience, so I think you attacking a message of positivity just because you don't agree is pretty pointless and irrelevant.

@frazzlerock I am praying that you get good news at your scan, it's horrible when you have to tensely wait the days away...

Sending best wishes your way.

Op keeping everything crossed for you. Stay optimistic as hard as it is x

Oh that's awful, that's such a long time to wait.

I had to wait almost a week for a scan at almost eight weeks with a heavy bleed, clots and horrible horrible cramping. It was a long week, and I resigned myself to it being a futile wait.

For me the outcome was good and I couldn’t quite believe it: I can totally understand your despair and feeling like this is the last time you can go through this.

I hope so much you get good news.
So sorry though that you are going through all this.

Thinking of you 💐

Keeping everything crossed for you op

I’m so very sorry to hear about your losses. It’s a truly heartbreaking think to go through that people don’t really understand unless they’ve been through similar.
Have you ever been referred to a recurrent miscarriage clinic? Your gp or Early Pregnancy Unit should refer you if you have more than two mcs. They would run some tests to see if there’s something they could do. For me, they prescribed progesterone and extra folic acid- plus I took aspirin just from my own reading on the topic.
I know you have said you won’t be trying again and that is of course understandable but I just wanted you to know that help was out there.
But for now allow yourself to be sad and grieve. Take care x

Please ignore that last comment!! I wrote that last message after only reading the first page- I didn’t realise there were more, so sorry if I caused any upset (especially with the last bit)
I will keep everything crossed that everything is ok with baby x

No worries @rdm10
FWIW I've been under the RMC for a couple of years now and take progesterone and baby aspirin in all pregnancies since.
DP and I have both been tested and we have nothing wrong with us apparently. Only two of our babies had karyotyping as they don't test until you've had 3 losses. One had T15 (most recent baby we lost in the new year who we tried for a year to conceive) and the other had T16 (back in 2018)

Honestly, the stress of TTC is too much as it is. Sometimes it take a year or two, sometimes only take a couple of months. Then the stress and heartache of going through a MMC and then surgery. And now this one giving is the run around and not knowing what the hell is going on.
Even without the emotional trauma, I've never seen so much blood as I have done over the past 4 years and I cannot take it anymore. I feel like my bits need a break!

I have two big boys from my previous marriage and they were really hard to conceive (although never experienced MC back then) so I'm extremely fortunate to have them. Although I know first hand that having DC already doesn't make the yearning after loss any less.

The past 4 years of TTC has taken over my relationship with DP, and his mental health has plummeted so much that I'm really worried about him. So it's really not fair on him to keep pursuing something that could continue to bring us bad news over and over until we finally meet our baby. I think if I knew when our baby would finally arrive - if I had a crystal ball, I might consider keep going.

There was a point where I couldn't live without my 'rainbow baby' (I hate that bloody phrase) and kept thinking next time, next time... The thought of never holding our baby would send me to rock bottom.
But now I just want to move on. Especially now I'm 40 😱

Sorry, that was lengthy!

I’m so sorry that you feel this pregnancy has ended too. That’s so shit you now have to wait until Monday. It sounds like you know your body and pregnancy symptoms well but it must still be hard not having definite confirmation.

I'm sorry OP what a rollercoaster of emotions. Hoping you can stay sane till Monday 💐💐💐💐

@Frazzlerock so sorry you're going through this. You poor thing having to wait until Monday! Crossing everything for you

@Frazzlerock how are you doing tonight?

@stophuggingme I'm okay thank you.

My head is all over the place. One minute I think it's all over because symptoms have faded, and the next I think - oh hang on, I think that was a boob twinge and actually they are still a bit sensitive, and I'm still thirsty, and still emotional over silly things.
Then I wonder if I'm having symptoms now because I'm taking progesterone and not because things are okay
Its a real head scramble and its impossible to distract myself.

Physically, I'm still bleeding a bit. It's weird as I worked out it has happened exactly every 4 days. I was absolutely shattered yesterday and kept falling asleep on the sofa which I think is from all the blood loss. Also I was very bloated and it was so uncomfortable but I understand progesterone can do that.

5 more days...

I just wanted to send you love x

Keeping my fingers crossed for you xx

Think of you today

@Frazzlerock it is a very surreal and frightening wait, I know all too well.
I hope the next few days are gentle and uneventful. Rest up and try to keep positive.

Sending love and positive vibes

Morning all

I'm now 8+5 which means we are officially in the 'danger zone'.
3 of our lost babies have died at 8+5 or 8+6 (from measurements) without me knowing. The only thing I can link is that my boobs stop hurting when I poke them, and lo and behold my boobs have stopped hurting when I poke them after the were pretty sensitive yesterday.
I'm so hoping this is just one of those days where they don't hurt so much.

Of course this means I'm imagining the worst!

3 more days until we find out. This is going so slowly!

So sorry for your losses, I had a mc 7 years ago it was a devastating experience I was obsessed with proving to myself I could have another pregnancy but it never happen with in the 12 months I then found out I had pcos and excepted it wasn't meant to be, 7 years later I'm now expecting I'm 32 weeks, and I can completely understand not wanting to get your hopes up with my current pregnancy I felt the same I found out at 6 weeks I was pregnant then week 7 I was bleeding so thought the worse and from then I stopped myself rubbing my belly and was waiting for the worst to happen thankfully my bean was still fighting I was bleeding on and off for 3 weeks, once I got past the 12 week scan I started to relax then few weeks later I had another bleed was admitted to hospital and told my waters had broken and was advised to terminate they sent me home and when I went back few days later was told my waters hadn't broken, I've found the first half of my pregnancy so stressful and didn't want to get attached to baby, as I felt I was always waiting for something to go wrong, but since the last issue with fluid all has been great and I'm so excited to meet this little boy who has not once given up on me, just try not to stress or worrying yourself and as hard as it can be go with the flow Sending you love and strength x