My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

*Trigger warning* Here we go again...

647 replies

Frazzlerock · 28/03/2020 17:59

We have just found out last week that I'm pregnant again.

The past 4 years we have been TTC on and off which has resulted in 3 MMC at 9 weeks and 1 spontaneous MC at 4 weeks.
Our last baby died in January this year and I'm still grieving and emotionally recovering from surgery. We are still waiting for the test results. Our sweet baby took us a very long and painful year to conceive (PCOS)

Since then we have actively been avoiding pregnancy. Following my app which predicts ovulation. I had no worries as I don't conceive easily, even when it's timed perfectly cycle after cycle.
I was booked to have a copper coil fitted at the end of April
But in true Sod's Law fashion I randomly ovulated early (never happened before, it's always late if anything) and fell pregnant. I even took the MAP when my app suddenly brought ovulation forward. It clearly didn't work 🤔

I can't get excited. We never wanted to have to go through yet another MMC. It's just too hard and has beaten us down immensely. I know for a fact this one will be no different to the others.
My recurrent miscarriage team have told me that there are no 'reassurance' scans for the foreseeable. My only scan will be at 12 weeks - by then I could have a dead baby inside me for at least 3 weeks.

I'm terrified I will start to love this baby like I did all the others. I need to know how not to bond as I simply can't go through the agony of babyloss again.

How can I distance myself from this one? It's not even like I can go out and do things to take my mind off it!

I wish I could be like everyone else and have hope and no worries. It seems like the whole world just has babies with no trouble (in my small world anyway)

And of all the times I could get pregnant It had to be during a fucking pandemic...

I don't know what I'm asking really, just tips on how to not get my hopes up like I have every single time.

OP posts:
Report
onlyreadingneverposting8 · 20/04/2020 13:35

Joining the thread if that's ok?! I'm 9 weeks 3 days pregnant after 3 consecutive mc's (one mmc after seeing the heartbeat at 8 weeks - heart stopped at approx 8+3) and 2 mc at 7.5 weeks and 8.5 weeks. I've also had another mc (pre children at 9 weeks) and an mmc picked up on scan where The baby had stopped developing at 9 weeks. So naturally I'm really at the crunch point now! I was due to be seen in the recurrent mc clinic on April 2nd, which was the week after I found out I was pregnant. Now I don't know what to do! I've been having plenty of symptoms but I had those with my mmc so have no trust in what's going on at all!!

Report
onlyreadingneverposting8 · 20/04/2020 13:37

I'm 44 btw so VERY old! 🙄

Report
Serz88 · 20/04/2020 14:02

Honestly what a rollarcoaster reading this! I cannot for a second imagine what you and your partner has gone through. I will be checking this thread constantly! I have everything crossed for you and for Addler! Much love ladies x

Report
Lovebug06 · 20/04/2020 14:19

Sending you love op. So hoping these couple of weeks go fast and you get good news Flowers

Report
Frazzlerock · 20/04/2020 14:21

I'm back at the EPU after more heavy bleeding and clots. Not sure if they'll scan me yet but waiting to be assessed by doctor.

OP posts:
Report
Serz88 · 20/04/2020 14:28

Come on little fighter, please be OK

Report
Crackerscheesescabbyknees · 20/04/2020 14:34

Praying for your bean 🙏Flowers

Report
onlyreadingneverposting8 · 20/04/2020 14:36

Fingers crossed xxx

Report
Addler · 20/04/2020 14:47

Oh @Frazzlerock, this is just putting you through the wringer. I really hope they scan you, we'll be thinking of you

Report
EarringsandLipstick · 20/04/2020 14:48

Oh Frazzle I can't even imagine what you are going through 💔 sending every positive thought for you today x

Report
ChipotleBlessing · 20/04/2020 16:11

How stressful for you. Fingers crossed that they’ll scan you.

Report
Frazzlerock · 20/04/2020 16:26

I'm home. They couldn't scan me today but I they have booked me for Weds 11am. She had a look inside to see if my cervix was open or closed. Thankfully it is closed, apparently clots and blood can still get through a closed cervix. I've no idea how 🤔

I think I just need complete rest and no stress which is almost impossible in my house. And I had a big cry before I started bleeding because of work stress so I'm wondering if that set it off

As usual my cervix was hiding terribly as it's really tilted so she had to really rummage which was a bit painful. She had to go in twice 😓

OP posts:
Report
Serz88 · 20/04/2020 16:30

Rest up and relax as much as you can!

Report
norbert23 · 20/04/2020 16:46

Sending you all the luck in the world, you've had such a hard time xxx

Report
Frazzlerock · 20/04/2020 16:50

Honestly, when this is over, baby or not, I'm getting my tubes tied. I'm never doing this again

OP posts:
Report
onlyreadingneverposting8 · 20/04/2020 17:08

Poor you!! That sounds horrid and given your history it's shit they didn't scan you today! Xx

Report
5lilducks · 20/04/2020 17:17

Thinking of you OP, and hoping everything is okay. If possible, maybe you should try and take a few days off work if work is stressing you out. Sending you positive vibes and best wishes for a healthy pregnancy Flowers

Report
TwistyHair · 20/04/2020 18:09

Sounds so stressful for you. Thinking of you for Wednesday.

Report
Frazzlerock · 20/04/2020 18:38

I think it's game over. My boobs don't hurt at all anymore which has always been a sign for me. Plus experiencing some cramping since I've been home which I didn't have last week.
I've begged the universe numerous times but I don't think anyone is listening.

I just want it over now. Can't be arsed to wait for Weds. just get it over and done with and stop fannying about. Then I can move on with my life and put this stupid baby dream behind me

OP posts:
Report
anyoneforbingo · 20/04/2020 18:48

I was the same op. I always knew when my boobs stopped hurting it was game over. As I said earlier, I TTC for 9 years. Eventually I had to come to terms with that fact that I'll be childless. I was emotionally drained and just couldn't do it again. It took some time coming to terms with, grieving for the child we'll never have. But you know what, once I had done that and stopped TTC properly, it was liberating. We stopped TTC a year ago. Obviously we still get sad sometimes but we are now getting on with our lives. My life felt on hold for almost a decade .. just in case I got pregnant. It so nice now being able to book holidays, apply for promotions or new jobs, basically not constantly think 'but what if I get pregnant ' before doing anything and everything.

I genuinely pray this does work out for you, but if not, I promise you'll get through and find a life if you do decide enough is enough.

Report
maria2bela · 20/04/2020 19:00

@ffr@frazzlerock I am so sorry for your previous losses! But so happy that you have a heartbeat !!! :) There will be light at the end of this tunnel for you..It will be when it's meant to be, the universe doesn't hate you x

I am praying that you have a strong and healthy bean in there and that this is your rainbow baby 🌈

Report
Addler · 20/04/2020 19:01

I'm so sorry. This is all so fucking shit.

Report
Frazzlerock · 20/04/2020 19:05

And to add insult to injury, they've just rung me to say they've moved my scan to MONDAY. Because "poking around so much isn't good for the pregnancy"
I understand that but I really don't think baby is alive anymore and now I have to wait so much longer to get it confirmed.
I'm going to lose my mind 😓

OP posts:
Report
anyoneforbingo · 20/04/2020 19:09

Ffs @maria2bela read the full thread. And don't tell people who have recurrent MC that it will happen one day because it's bullshit and doesn't do anything to make them feel better.

Report
sunfloweryy · 20/04/2020 19:17

Fingers tightly crossed for you OP Flowers

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.