Talk

Coat hangers. Think it's fun to get themselves all into a cosy tangle inside the wardrobe and then won't be separated from their bastarding chums and actually do their jobs of hanging clothes.

Door handles. They just love my dressing gown sleeves.

God, yes. Every time I go into my wardrobe I feel like I'm interrupting an orgy.

My vacuum cleaner is a shit head. Literally. It has a revolving brush head that tangles up everything it touches. I hate it and need to get rid off it.

My hot water tap in the kitchen releases water in a straight line. If I open it up completely it splatters water everywhere. I need to remove a piece from the tap head I think. It’s shit.

Does the cat count as an appliance? It anti-cleans my house and I'm forever tripping over it

The microwave can do one as well.

It doesn't just beep once to tell you it's finished warming the beans up or whatever. Oh no. It beeps on and on and on until you pay it attention, even if you're halfway through taking a fucking cake out of the oven or, you know, doing something important.

Self-important, puffed-up prick.

My nespresso machine is a cunt. It never cleans itself, meaning that when I need coffee urgently, it always wants ME to run it through to descum it.

The kitchen aid is also a bit of a sly fucker. It sits there, looking all nice and posh, pretending to be useful, until I realize that it's easier to do stuff by hand than it is to clean the fucker after use or to buy ready made pasta instead of my grand ideas of home made stuff that tastes only a slight bit better. And it knows I'll never part with it, so it sits there just pretending. It's a right git.

My tumble dryer is an arsehole. It stops every 20 minutes whether the sheets are dry or not. 'Safety feature' apparently. Why it's got a fucking timer I have no idea, the bastard never spins for the duration.

Oh and the fridge. Making that beeping noise 'look at me, look at me LOOK AT ME!!!! You didn't bother to close me properly, so I'll sit shouting at you until you get up and CLOSE ME'

(By the way, I had an awesome typo on that. Initially I'd typed 'Andre the fridge'. Considered leaving it, but my fridges does not deserve a cool name. Cos it's a prick)

My Toaster too, It's an explosion of crumbs
Door handles are always trying to prevent me from leaving and entering rooms.
My kettle, It's stupid lid pops open so it needs to be supervised

Also, the dishwasher.

It can't clean anything that's actually dirty, but it can take the transfer off a Batman glass, oh yes.

If I open the door it jizzes right in my eye - Every. Single. Time. Its aim is perfect.

And it beeps like an attention seeking tosser as well. Between that and the sodding microwave it's like being at home with toddlers again. I just shut one up and the other starts

Kitchen utensils that have weighted handles. Every time you leave them in the pan they back flip onto the floor. Wankers the lot of them.

Door handles (bastards).

I’ve one of those beepy microwaves too. It’s so shrill and attention-seeking, I hate it. My boiler is a grumpy bastard, I have to coax him along, and he’ll randomly stop working. Prick.

The rug at the bottom of the stairs is trying to kill me too. Sly bitch. I could move it, but the dog would crack up.

And my iron.

It waits until I'm ironing the last clean shirt in the house before it shits itself all over the front of it. Horrible brown limescaley shite, rendering it unwearable.

The incontinent cunt.

Henry Hoover.

His a nob. Gets stuck everywhere then gives you the eyes.

My fucking hob is a bully, the bastard hates small pans. Everytime I put the milk pan on the hob it decides to let it topple over.

See, I didn't mind my Henry, but when he died I was persuaded to get a Dyson.

Big mistake. I should have known it was going to be a wanker by the name. Who calls a hoover 'Big Balls' ?

I've got an attention seeking bastard of a washing machine.

Beep beep fucking beep every time it finishes a load. Carries on beeping till I open the sodding door.

And it tries to catch me out by having a default setting of a 60° wash which lasts for 2 hours and 45 fucking minutes.

As if I've got all sodding day to do my washing and want half my clothes shrinking!

Twat.

OP, my iron does that too, it really fucks me off, especially if I'm ironing OH's work shirts or DD's school tops

Two hours and forty five minutes??

The idle bastard.

Solidarity, Music

My oven is at least 40 degrees hotter than the dial suggests it is, meaning it’s a gamble how well your food will bake, sometimes the timer goes off, sometimes it doesn’t, sometimes it’s persistent and other times it’s one tiny beep. It’s BRITISH RACING GREEN, like the rest of my vile kitchen and I long for something modern & reliable in brushed chrome. Sigh.