The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

[yolofish]

ooh I get first post! thanks dint

[flamingnoravera]

It's rare g

[flamingnoravera]

Sorry about that last post. I was going to say it's rare that I appear in the first three of a new thread.

I got an email this morning, from Grimm bros, saying they now accept that we need resi for both but only if mum pays £67k to her DH as part of some settlement to make things equal. On Tuesday she expressly forbade me to pay any money to him. It's gonna result in stalemate. I'm ignoring their request for money at the moment.

[yolofish]

I hope you're keeping extensive notes nora! actually I found these threads really helpful when putting in a complaint about mum's 'care' (or lack thereof) to the Trust, basically because I had dates/details from throughout and could be really specific about what happened when. Complain is nowhere near resolution, of course, but the 11 page dossier I sent them should have rattled them at least.

The Grimms sound a bloody nightmare, they must know they're on a hiding to nothing, do you think they're just chancing it?

[notaflyingmonkey]

I thought you were going all street there Nora with the g reference (it's how my DS talks to his mates...)

Agree with Yolo, keep notes. It really does help when you try to remember who said what when if you can just refer to your notes.

That request sounds like a fishing trip on the part of the Grimms. Agree that ignoring it sounds sensible.

[RosaWaiting]

Cockroach cafe? I might stand outside.

Had to tell mum off after she offered my help to one of her friends for a hospital appointment, it’s one thing for me to offer but I don’t like someone saying “oh I’ll ask Rosa”.

Makes me wary what to say about my day off. Mum thought I was being harsh, she said “if you’re asked and you’re busy, just say no” but I really don’t like someone else suggesting I do it in the first place!

[thesandwich]

nora, hold your nerve. As others say, keep notes.
Hello all!!!
Thanks dint for the forward thinking ⭐️
And rosa, you are perfectly in order! Protect you time off.

[RosaWaiting]

sandwich I actually would have volunteered if asked. It’s the fact that mum suggested it to her friend, seems to have basically said “oh Rosa will take you”. Yes I’ve done it before but I expect to be asked if it’s okay.

[FinallyHere]

'Morning all. [looks round at lovely welcoming space. Great name, too]

Glad to read you are sticking to your guns, Rosa. Entirely reasonable to be allowed to make any offer of help yourself (if you want to...)

It might seem like tempting fate to mention that we seem to have reached a period of calm but life has been quite quiet on the DM front for a while. She is safe and well cared for and now mostly sleeps when I visit (still) weekly. I feel bad about staying only an hour but ... DSis encourages me to consider the two plus hour each way journey...

First set of potential tenants coming to visit the now cleared and decorated house next week. Fingers crossed.

In related news, who knew that you are not liable for council tax for an unoccupied house in some LAs if you are in a home (or, for the record, in prison).

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Cockroach cafe? I might stand outside. No, no, no. They're pets! It's like a cat cafe.

( I can't remember if you were around at the time, but someone's elder was describing animals they'd met at some sort of petting event, and couldn't remember the name of one, "but it had a hard shell", and BIL suggested "cockroach?" So we've adopted it as mascot and general greeting/toast.)

[MintyCedric]

Ooh Rosa, that would make me really cross.

It's hard enough to put your own boundaries in place without people randomly volunteering your services.

I've spent a lot more time with The Olds over the summer holidays but probably could have done a bit more. I have chosen not to because a/ I need a break b/it'll only make it harder to adjust when I go back to work and c/ I know damn well that the more I give, the more will be expected.

[RosaWaiting]

Minty “I know damn well that the more I give, the more will be expected”

I feel this too. I could do loads more but I don’t because I can see how easily that happens. Mum and sister are both the type that if someone will do it for them, they like that.

I did have a chat with a couple of friends about doing more for mum and they all seem to think “use it or lose it” applies and also think it’s important for oldies to keep independence for other reasons.

At the moment, I tend to think I could be really needed much more in future so almost best to keep back a bit now.

I spent the night last night, I could have stayed another night but I find it hard to just relax and do nothing in her house. I think I’ve mentioned before I’ve got friends who take their elderly parents on holiday and I really don’t know how they do it. I wish I could but I’m tense all the time unless we just watch TV or sit and talk but there are limits to those things.

[RosaWaiting]

PS Minty, how does your dad manage stairs?

It’s a tough one because my dad was a great believer in “use it or lose it” and mum has a couple of friends who have stair lifts fitted but only use them about once a month!

[JaceLancs]

Not been on here for a while
Sometimes I just get so fed up with myself about being so fed up that I can’t talk or even type about it!
DM dementia getting worse, DF getting weaker day by day and no one seems that interested in getting to bottom of it - I’ve spent all week kicking ass about it and am finally feeling slightly more hopeful (got MDT meeting on Tuesday which will hopefully help)
DDs MIL has just been diagnosed with cancer of spine which has spread - she’s been trying to get Drs to listen to her symptoms for 5 months and been brushed off, having emergency surgery today
Last night found out my ExMIL elderly DH had a fall at home, today she’s had to make awful decision to not try and prolong life any further
One of my close friends is just entering a messy divorce and has been in need of tlc,
DB and DS are on holiday and I’m just feeling very alone and unable to cope
I feel like a sponge if everyone else’s emotions and I can’t soak up anymore

[RosaWaiting]

Jace, I feel for you.

One friend said to me “you have to just think of yourself as a unit and think, am I okay, as in, me, the unit”? I hope that vaguely makes sense.

I also wonder if some people who cope better have less of that “absorbing the feelings of others”?

[flamingnoravera]

Jace it's so darn hard, it's relentless. Can you withdraw a bit and give yourself a break? I broke down into tears this week with my mum and it shocked her into changing her demands on me a bit, it's actually stayed in her memory so she's been phoning me to check I'm ok instead of the other way round.

I think sometimes we just have to withdraw and accept that crises will happen and we cannot carry it all. Be nice to yourself, have a weep if you need to and then do something that's just for you, whatever that might be.

[RosaWaiting]

nora oh dear
I hadn’t realised your mum was consciously making demands on you

[thesandwich]

jace rosa and everyone else struggling🌺🌺🍷🍷🍫🍫🍫
It is so hard to support elderlies and look after ourselves..... currently trying to sort my dodgy back( worsened by humping a wheelchair in and out of my car) and not alarm dm but support her..... having to cancel so many of the things that fuel me and help me function.....

[RosaWaiting]

sandwich oh dear, have you had a chance to see a doc about your back?

[thesandwich]

Thanks rosa I’ve seen a v good physio which is helping... not cheap but helps and shows what to do and what not to.

[flamingnoravera]

It's a mix of her saying why can't she come and live with me and saying I never contact her (I call her daily and visit two weekly). It's also the demands of managing her affairs which I'm buckling under the strain of.

Today I got another message from Grimm 2 asking me for a response to the demand that mum pays their dad £68k for half the house they currently live in which he chose to pay for. I don't know why he did but he had capacity and there is no prenup or suggestion that mum was to reimburse him. They've gone through every bank statement since they married and are trying to suggest that mum has fleeced their dad. But she has paid all the utilities and food and council tax since they married, has nursed him for 15 years. Whilst I cannot be so petty as they are to go through bank statements as they have done I can see that these payments alone come to way more than the money they are demanding- I've talked it over with mum who has capacity and she says I'm not to pay her husband anything. (I've said all this in earlier posts).

My difficulty is they are now pushing me to respond to say if any money is to be paid over from mum and I'm struggling to know what to say and how to word it.

They've suggested that not paying it means their dad can't have the care he needs- but this is not true- it would mean cashing investments (as it would for mum to pay out to him) but the main thing is mum is saying NO and she was declared to have capacity by a social worker on Tuesday.

I just don't know how to put the words together to say mum has forbidden me to make any payments in respect of the property purchase without it appearing that it's me that's made the decision. I agree with her- i think it's none of their business how they managed their money in their marriage.

I'm reluctant to put anything in writing to them and dislike them so much now that I cannot bear to speak to them on the phone- they make my skin crawl.

I just don't know how to tackle this.

[JaceLancs]

Thank you everyone - I did take a few hours break today but went to visit another friend who isn’t well and despite their brave face I’m now concerned for her too!
DD was too tied up with MIL to visit DF as promised so I now feel awful as no one has checked if new meds ordered have actually arrived so I’ll have to go tomorrow morning
On more positive note DD MIL op gone better than expected
It doesn’t help that my job is very emotionally draining for many reasons n we are in process of moving - I’m surprised I’m not having a breakdown - the only outward sign of all this so far is I started with a cluster of cold sores yesterday 😬

[RosaWaiting]

Tbh nora my first suggestion would be that you don’t respond.

If you see them in person, point out then that the social worker says your mu has capacity and that she and her husband need to sort it between them. He has capacity does he?

Is it worth posting on the legal board?

I can’t see how they have a leg to stand on. Even if they claim they act in their fathers best interests, i wonder how the office of the public guardian would see it.

Also, is the husband using them as a smokescreen?

I would tell your mother bluntly that she should protect you, her child, from the problems of her marriage. I’m not joking. She has capacity and she should look after you in the moral sense, which frankly involves telling her husband or his sons to leave you alone.

Is she still going to a home?

[RosaWaiting]

X post Jace I thought your dad was in a home?

Are you taking vitamins? I take all the vitamins!!

[flamingnoravera]

I can't get her into a home because she refuses to be separated from him and they say he can't afford a home unless she pays him. The social worker said the only solution was for them to go together but the sons are now using this to manipulate the money thing. And yes, their dad is part of it all- he's fully aware of what's happening but he's using them as his flying monkeys. I've told her that his actions are not those of a loving husband (when she says "he loves me") and the other day when I broke down and said I'm at the end of my tether with this she said she'd tell her husband to tell the bros to lay off or she'd leave him. But by the next day she'd forgotten that threat although she clearly remembers how upset and angry I was about it all.

I'd love to just say "sort it out yourselves" im walking away but it's my mum and she's vulnerable.