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Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

(1000 Posts)
Onlymeeeeee Sun 18-Feb-18 19:13:53

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

Onlymeeeeee Sun 18-Feb-18 19:15:39

The worst thing is that he still doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour, if i would just stop being so demanding then he could stay happily married.
I mean, ffs, that's why you get married isn't it, so your wife can do everything?

RockPaperCut Sun 18-Feb-18 19:35:40

I’m in the same boat. No infidelity on either part, only I think STBX has some serious issues which made us completely incompatible.

It takes a great deal of self awareness to look at your behaviour objectively. And imo if your STBX and mine for that matter, had any then we probably wouldn’t be here.

mrsplopper Sun 18-Feb-18 21:15:58

Me too!
Although I've had my suspicions over the years and finally kicked him out last summer, after finding he'd been on dating apps. Neither of us are with anyone else.
His behavior was unbearable and still is, he drank a lot and was abusive. Showed no interest in family life, no affection for me at all.
Now he blames me saying I made him unhappy as I was moody all the time!
I'm starting to feel a bit better now, I realize how much confidence I'd lost.
Although still a long way to go.
I've started divorce but we haven't agreed finances x

LadyMetroland Sun 18-Feb-18 21:31:45

This would be me if I could summon up the courage to divorce him. I'm not quite there yet. Well done to you for taking the reins and saying enough is enough. It takes guts.

Borris Sun 18-Feb-18 21:37:17

I need to join you all. My STBXH for the last 2/3 months had been saying that there's not future in us so we should separate.

Now I've finally agreed he's now back pedalling furiously saying that we should try to understand each other more.

The only thing he wants is me to be a doormat and go along with whatever he says. I cannot have an opinion.

It seemed so doable when we were mutually separating. Now he's changed his mind it's 10 times harder

And of course he'd being mr reasonable ATM so I feel really guilty and a total cow

iamthrough Sun 18-Feb-18 22:38:23

Hi. I'm also in the same situation. Still currently both in the family home. Luckily we have a spare room. I'm an exhausted emotional wreck and count success days as ones I don't dissolve into uncontrollable sobs. Currently on a good run of 3 days without sobbing.... something of a new record. How's everyone else?

Borris Sun 18-Feb-18 22:55:48

Same - in the spare room. Crying but want to be free confused

MissTeBe Mon 19-Feb-18 16:00:08

I was in the same situation

I started sleeping in the office

I was desperately unhappy. I decided I couldn’t change him so I changed myself. I stopped putting up with him being so lazy. I started saying no to him which he hated

The divorce process was nasty. Most of if was done while sharing a house which was a nightmare

I purchased my own house at the end of November

The divorce and consent order have been finalised and although my confidence has taken a huge hit, I’m happier than I have been in a long time

There is light at the end of the tunnel

Borris Mon 19-Feb-18 16:28:57

I feel so guilty for upsetting him which is crazy after the misery he's caused me

Onlymeeeeee Mon 19-Feb-18 16:29:04

I have a date for court for financial resolution, that's the light at the end of my current tunnel, although I am sure he's so arrogant he won't fully disclose.

Have your friends polarised like mine? They are either
1. We never liked the way he spoke to you but you seemed happy enough but we're 100% behind you now.
2. You're giving up on your marriage really easily, can't you do more for him/be nicer/suck it up

Lonelycrab Mon 19-Feb-18 17:07:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Borris Mon 19-Feb-18 18:22:01

Well my friends are mostly option 1. They have mostly said they suspected he didn't treat me well but as I never said anything they assumed ok. However as I've told them things he said to me they have been unanimous in support.

However he never made any effort to get to know my friends and only spent time with them under duress. He hasn't really got any friends of his own

Borris Mon 19-Feb-18 18:40:20

I didn't read onlymeee's post as complaining that her STBXH as not doing anything for her. More that some friends think she should do more or put up with more

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Mon 19-Feb-18 20:09:30

I'm in a similar situation. We had the chat last week and have a plan (sort of). He doesn't want it but it's his behaviour that's led to it. So sorry so many of us are going through this

RedSquirrelMoonlight Tue 20-Feb-18 08:05:58

Need to have this conversation with my husband. Couples therapy has helped a lot, but I'm resentful and that's not good for either of us.

His anxiety/mental health issues I can just about cope with, but not the daily drinking he does on top of it.

Been too chicken to phone divorce lawyers, so I know my options, but will do so today! Y'all are giving me courage.

Onlymeeeeee Tue 20-Feb-18 18:12:25

@borris I think @lonelycrab was on the wrong thread??

RockPaperCut Tue 20-Feb-18 19:06:56

Friends were mainly his friends, absolutely no mutual friends as he made no effort to socialise with anyone who he hadn’t grown up with. But the wives who I had known a for many years and very much considered my friends, have pretty much fallen off the face of the earth. It was inevitable really.

Forewarned is forearmed as they say Red but then again it took me years of contemplating it whilst STBX burrowed his head in the sand.

Only Is it your first directions hearing or an FDR? I hope it goes smoothly for you. I have my FDR in March after 5 hearings for child arrangements, I’ve absolutely no hope of him settling, everything has been a fight and I’m just so tired of it all. With any luck I will be divorced by the end of the summer.

mrsplopper Tue 20-Feb-18 20:27:10

Some of 'our' friends have hardly kept in touch. It's really hard, life as you knew it is gone completely.

Some days I feel good, thinking I can be happier.
Some days I feel lonely and wonder if I've done the right thing, although I know there's no going back, ever.
Not after things he's said to me, he's hurt me way too much.
I feel like I'll be on my own forever now, oh and probably have to work in a dead end job until I drop dead x

Borris Tue 20-Feb-18 22:12:09

I'm at the wavering point a bit. I can't help thinking what if I'm making dds life worse. But I know I'm doing it for the right reasons and I would hate myself more if she ended up in a relationship like mine.

mrsplop and rock do you have friends of your 'own' ?

I used to hate that he ignored my friends but now I'm glad that they're mine.

Onlymeeeeee Tue 20-Feb-18 23:02:13

There's definitely an element of "has to get worse before it gets better" i think. Simply because you and any children are used to the status quo, and change is uncomfortable.
I snapped when my ds started parroting his dad's insults. He still does, but now I have the confidence to correct ds.

Onlymeeeeee Tue 20-Feb-18 23:03:48

It's the first hearing btw. No idea if stbExH will respond correctly to the court instructions, he's rather arrogant and thinks he can ignore any part of the divorce that he doesn't like.

iamthrough Wed 21-Feb-18 08:59:34

I've been keeping a diary which has helped. Helps to empty my head before I try and sleep. What's an FDR hearing - and is it compulsory. I'm trying to do this in a collaborative way and so far haven't heard of this?

Onlymeeeeee Wed 21-Feb-18 13:04:23

You won't get to FDR if you can divorce collaboratively! It's where you go when stbex can't be honest about his/her finances, thinks his/her pension is "none of your business" and says he/she paid for the last 14 years childcare, school uniform, etc so "you can cover that now, with tax credits"

iamthrough Wed 21-Feb-18 13:24:13

Thanks @onlymeeeeee I get it. So fingers crossed in my case it wont come to that. Everything we have financially speaking is joint - so hopefully no worries about disclosure. I take it if we can manage to agree childcare arrangements between us no need to go to court at all then? Hearing so many horror stories about divorce its giving me nightmares if I'm honest.

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