Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

Yes, outabout, if both parties are able to talk things out together and both feel heard and valued, it is completely different from a situation (mine!) where one person is made to feel worthless, all the good things about their character and all the good things they have been doing for the relationship and the family and home completely ignored and denied - there is little hope unless some miracle lightbulb moment takes place in that manipulative person's mind.

@Helpnow1 what ages are your dc? Is there any plan going forward? What happened at Relate argument or realisation that it was too late?

H decided he was taking ds to first time at an activity that I found, booked and sorted out. He asked if I was home for afternoon so he could go do something for a friend. Activity was over at 10.30 I arranged to click & collect groceries & dc wanted to spend vouchers. Would all be wrapped up for 11.30/12 instead he stropped travelled separately and left immediately after activity. All of which is fine by me except the stropping, storming out & pettiness. Claimed he couldn't do either of those things after activity as he told me he was going to work.
Fact 1 it's not work, it's helping out a friend.
Fact 2 he had said the afternoon
he suggested he would take them tomo, with my car.
He's trying to takeover all the fun activities with them.

mammymammyIRL they are 20 and 15 (20 year old home for Easter from uni). Plan is that I have house and H keeps all of his own business (worth a lot more than house) and buys/rents somewhere. This is because I'd like continuity for the DCs, no moving house. (I realize we're very lucky to be in the situation where this is possible.)

At relate it wasn't an argument, just when I listened to the ridiculously distorted picture painted by H, it showed how his viewpoint is all about him as victim. I can't see that this will change, also to go through all the counselling with someone who clearly doesn't value me as a person, seems impossible. I don't want to live like this any more.

The situation you described in your last post is ridiculous! Did all these men go to the same training or something?!

@Helpnow1 that's fortunate doesn't make it any less sad though.
Yep I think some of them are so up their own arses, they believe that women should be glad to have them & accept this horrible attitude.
My dbro was shocked(he is a policeman so relatively unshockable) when he heard of the way H behaves, he says he could count on one hand the number of times he's raised his voice to his wife & their relationship is similar length to ours.

Dc and I have had a lovely day & are enjoying a movie before bed while I'm crafting. H hasn't come home yet.

mammymammyIRL I'm glad you and the DC had a nice day. What age are they? What craft do you do?

We went out for a meal with my parents. My mum said she felt sorry for H, having no family. She means parents and siblings and yes, I know what she means but I can't help thinking hey! would you feel sorry for him if he'd been hitting me, rather than "just" emotionally and verbally nasty & manipulative?

Help They're almost 8 and 4** and because of this are an absolute joy, can tell you when they're tired/hungry/unhappy etc not like a couple of years ago and still delight in the simple things too. Ds was delighted yesterday because I bought some Easter egg decoration kits, said in the car afterwards I didn't think you'd say yes because you always say no to chocolate and sweets in the shop. (We're on a tight budget so I buy things in multipacks when doing groceries not individually at the shop)
I'm doing a cross stitch gift for my new niece/nephew.

My mother suggested trying, I was like I have been for years, this was after I'd told of occasional domestic violence and constant emotional abuse & manipulation I guess your H has been part of her family for a long time too now, she has empathy for him rather than sympathy I'm sure.

mammymammyIRL thanks for your sensible words about mum and H, you're right of course. I was being oversensitive and really I'm glad she's so kind.

My aunt did lovely cross stitch pictures for my DCs when they were born, really nice and they're on the walls outside their bedrooms. Will this be your first niece/nephew? Lovely for your DCs to have a little cousin!

Your DCs sound lovely. I bet they're excited about the Easter kits now! Mine used to like searching for dyed boiled eggs hidden in part of the garden when they were little

Oh H started doing Easter hunts a couple of years ago so I'm sure that'll happen too.

It's their first little cousin, their other cousins are adults on H's side, but they've got a niece and nephews close in age.

You're not being over sensitive it's just you want 100% support from your own at this time.

The clear thinking you have needs to rub off on me, I think! I'd never realised quite what the "rollercoaster of emotions" really felt like until now!

I think my mums not sure what to say. She expressed some sympathy for h's female "friend" saying she doesn't know what she's letting herself in for. I replied don't feel sorry for her. She knows that I'm around. And then Mum agreed with me

Borris yes, I think with my mum it's really she doesn't know what to say. First divorce in our immediate family!! She's being really supportive of me and I think I'm just feeling like mammymammyIRL said, wanting 100% support. Also H is very good at appearing a sad and suffering victim when actually he is tough as old boots really!!

Also mum can't really understand what it is that H does as she is fortunate enough not to have experienced that sort of relationship!

H has suggested going to see some family in two weeks time for weekend, possibly my first weekend being home without dc ever, this is finally getting real.

I'm content in my own company but it'll be strange without dc.

So he'll be taking the DCs for the weekend? Yes, that will be really strange for you xx I can't say I look forward to that happening although it'll be easier for me as my DS is much older. My concern is the mind games that might happen without me to protect DS.

Our DCs whatever their ages will know that we love them unconditionally in any case...

Has your H already moved out?

I enquired about easter eggs for his grandchildren who live a few hours away, we had already purchased special ones for dc and other grandson prior to the split. Did he want to transfer money, post eggs or get an online delivery? He said he thought maybe he might go visit. I said 'ok' will you look after their eggs so, this was the only part of the conversation I was interested in, and dc were listening.

He didn't say he was taking the children but he wanted a car to go, and if he was going alone he'd take his van.

My H hasn't moved out, he is still acting as if this is just a row that will blow over, I'm not I'm getting a safety order in place, he'll be aware of it when he gets a summons by post. Things will probably escalate then.

We have applied for mediation, and that's the next step really depending on what happens when summons comes.

Dc are actually so much happier right now, as Daddy is acting, for the most part, like a normal rational human being and Mammy is not stressed out by Daddy. I think once they get over the initial upset they will have a better quality of life going forward. Dss never knew his parents as a couple and has fond memories of his time with both.

It is lovely to hear of your dc having cross stitch pictures from your aunt. I'll be finished the main pictures this week and should get backstitch done pretty quickly, baby is due at weekend so need name to stitch on and then framing, but I'll try organise frame beforehand.

My H is also acting as if nothing has changed but I want to have a talk about when he's going to move out. Hard to find a good time when DCs not around to hear, but I really want to get on with it. Also going to get divorce petition arranged as soon as I can.

Is the safety order in case he turns violent mammymammyIRL? Please keep safe xx

The DCs' pictures are Beatrix Potter animals, really pretty

Mine is still nowhere near to accepting my decision after 4 months. In fact he's threatening to move back into the marital bed which feels really intimidating- we have a perfectly good spare room. I suppose I'd have to move into it if he goes through with it but I'll feel like he's beaten me. I feel so trapped. He will never leave this house without bailiffs, I can't move out because I won't be able to get another mortgage and I bought the vast majority of the house when I was working before DCs. I'm trying so hard to be nice but everyday feels like a monumental battle. I really do feel sorry for him, he didn't want the split in any form but I just do not, and cannot, love him and need to change the situation before I lose my mind. Just ranting today after a very tough weekend!

So sorry to hear your situation, vanillarose, that sounds desperately tough. Do you have a plan for how you could see things working out? It doesn't sound as if your relationship is good for you (been there!) and I really feel for you

My original plan was to wait until he was ready to be a bit more amicable about things and then start the divorce process but I think I'm living in cloud cuckoo land. I'm really worried about finances too. Just wondering how my life came to this!

helpnow1 it is, but hopefully just a precaution, but he's a volatile man and I don't want to leave anything to chance, or to spend the next 12 months still in limbo.

My next cross stitch project after this one is this one, I don't even remember buying it - it's definitely 10+ years old.

vanillarose that's horrible, can you get friends/family on board to make him see it's pointless? Are you a SAHM?

We have all rooms used at the moment, if someone comes to stay I will give them my bed and go in with dc. Next probable visitors would be my family and they all know the score, only dc don't. If it's my sister she can bunk in with me, if it's my parents I'll go in with dc.