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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

999 replies

Onlymeeeeee · 18/02/2018 19:13

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

OP posts:
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iamthrough · 22/02/2018 09:16

Oh god oh God..... Sad Have mediation session today talking about parenting agreements. absolutely terrified. Any words of encouragement or advice greatly appreciated!!!!!

Borris · 22/02/2018 11:30

I have no advice as we're not that far on.
But sending you lots of good wishes.
Is it just you, XH and mediator or do you have support with you.
Stay strong. You can do it?
I would maybe not agree to anything you're not certain about. I should imagine it's ok to say you need time to think about suggestions that you're not 100% on board with.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 22/02/2018 14:42

Good luck Iam hope it goes well. I'm just booking mediation tomorrow but 16 week wait in my area

iamthrough · 22/02/2018 17:18

Wow. 16 week wait.... That must be awful. Feel for you. My session today wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated. It did get emotional but in was told that's as to be expected so didn't overly stress about that bit. It's just STBXH me and the mediator. I havnt asked about support.... perhaps I could of taken someone to just wait outside and be there for when we finished? That I imagine could work. I guess if you take anyone else with you your STBXH could feel intimidated. And yes I agree no reason to agree to anything straight away. They did say absolutely no reason why you can't just say I'd like time to think about it.

Borris · 23/02/2018 22:24

Can I ask for some advice please.

I'm getting keys for my rental next week. It'll take a couple of weeks for me to have it furnished and ready to move in.

I thought we'd be better giving dd age 7 as much time as possible getting used to the idea, poss involved in choosing bedroom stuff etc.

H things we should wait until I have it set up like a home and can take her to visit etc. As then she'll know facts rather than worrying about what it might be like.

But I'm not sure whether this is springing it on her rather than giving her time to process.

What have others done/think about this?

Original poster
Onlymeeeeee · 24/02/2018 06:32

If it was my children I'd tell them in an age appropriate way at every stage.
Mine would be upset not to choose their own bedroom stuff.
Mind you I'm no stranger to ex's with funny ideas about how to do it as mine wanted to ask the children who they wanted to live with 3 weeks after separation, and was expecting them to choose their grandparents, and for me to just say ok!

You know your child better than we do but mine would certainly not appreciate being kept in the dark until the house is furnished.

OP posts:
iamthrough · 27/02/2018 18:17

Hi there. How's everyone doing? Feeling a bit down today.... No particular reason... Just finding things difficult and also hormonal. Words of courage anyone???

Original poster
Onlymeeeeee · 27/02/2018 18:33

@iamthrough this is allegedly Winston Churchill

"when you're going through hell, keep going"

I like to repeat it when it's all getting a bit much

OP posts:
Rosiie · 27/02/2018 23:35

Hi

I'm in the same boat, and yes we're still living together. I'm a SAHM with 3 DC, 5 years. So I need to get myself sorted before I leave him.

All I know is, this time next year I'll be in a different place. In my own home with my DCs. Happy and healthy.

Stay strong and focus on one thing at a time. All the best Thanks

Rosiie · 27/02/2018 23:37

Oh Borris I envy you! Getting the keys to your new house. Congratulations Thanks

Rosiie · 27/02/2018 23:38

I honestly sometimes look at him and wonder what the fuck I saw in him?

Like how could I love someone so much once and literally hate him the next? Angry

iamthrough · 28/02/2018 09:32

Thanks Everyone.
@onlymeeeeee Yes I like that quote - think I'll be using it a lot
@Rosiie Yes you are right to concentrate on one thing at a time - there are just too many things to consider at the moment I'm feeling over whelmed but starting to get my confidence back and know I will get there..... eventually :(

Vanillarose · 28/02/2018 09:49

I've been lurking but need to join my people. Living in hell. Told H I want to split late last year but he is devastated and doesn't really accept it. Living in the same house (2 young children). I thought I was doing the brave thing by ripping off the plaster and telling him but if anything, I've actually made my life worse, at least in the short term. He comes and goes as he pleases, either ignores me or begs me to stay and is being entirely unreasonable about every aspect of the split. Meanwhile, even though I know it was emotionally the right decision, I think wtf have I done?! I'm going to plunge myself into financial difficulties as I really need to buy him out (just starting a self employed business and can't get a new mortgage!), upset children and a life of dealing with his sadness/passive aggressiveness. Feel totally between a rock and a hard place but know in my heart I could never go back. I want freedom. That Churchill quote really helps - thank you for posting. Keep telling myself that by Xmas things will be different but I'm not even confident of that!! Can't see him ever moving on...

serena5610 · 03/03/2018 03:41

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Borris · 03/03/2018 15:08

Someone said to me recently just do each step at a time. Don't worry about 6 months or a year or 10 years down the line. But as you take each step the next will become clear.

Borris · 03/03/2018 15:14

Rosiie. I too wonder how I ever found him attractive. I just see hate and contempt in his eyes.

This has helped spur me on - last week stbxh asked if he could take dd on holiday at Easter (I can't get time off). I said ok. Without telling me he suggested to dd that she asked a friend. Dd is 7 and has never even had anyone round for a sleepover yet. I think he was banking on dd asking for one particular friends who's mum is a single mum that stbxh gets on reasonably well with.
Next thing I know - the 4 of them are going away for a week together. And he's offered to lend her my specialist equipment for the activity Shock

I can tell you that it's done wonders for my guilt over his sad face. As if he really wanted to work things out then surely this is the last thing he would be planning.

Oh yes and he's not got a job and hasn't mentioned how the holiday is being financed

Original poster
Onlymeeeeee · 07/03/2018 08:29

Just came back to say omg, form E, totally freaked out! When they say start it early, believe it!

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Sugarplumps · 08/03/2018 11:10

Here I am, joining in!
Really struggled yesterday with the whole 'what did I ever see in him' issue. There certainly were good times but how was it ever good enough that I married him, and how will I ever feel confident getting into another LTR, especially with one DD and wanting more?
My STBX is alternating between ignoring me and offering 'advice' that is just cruel judgemental BS. He's still around most weekends and I hate it. Just tidying up after him as usual like I'm his wife or something.
He's rationalised his objection to the split by deciding that I'm irrationally making poor decisions and he pities me for giving up such a great guy for an uncertain, lonely and failed future as a miserable and poor single mom. Nice guy, right?

Vanillarose · 08/03/2018 12:17

I hear you Sugarplumps.

I had a terrible evening yesterday. STBEXH laid into me verbally about the fact I won't try (I tried for years). Then told me he was coming for me financially (I'm a SAHM with no income but saved hard to do it so I have more savings even though he works FT) My young children were playing in the next room. My DD later said that she'd heard Daddy talking mean to me and that you should always walk away when someone talks mean to you. Probably the best advice I've been given Sad

Spent most of the night in tears about that. I want to protect my children so badly. I'm offering him a path where we're friends and we co-parent amicably and we work everything out together. He either wants me to change my mind or he'll dedicate his life to ruining mine forever.

Feel absolutely trapped, drained and scared.

Vanillarose · 08/03/2018 12:18

Oh forgot to add that I'm still doing his cooking, cleaning and washing too! For the sole reason that I don't want the children to know what's going on. Makes me feel even more resentful of the way he talks to me though. I know he's hurt but we need to move forward.

Sugarplumps · 08/03/2018 12:24

Vanilla I offered my ex the same, let's be amicable and just accept that it's over. Their anger and hurt gets in the way of that though, maybe this is sexist but I don't think men are raised to deal with their emotions and anger productively.

Supa3girl · 08/03/2018 13:32

I would like to join the thread.

My STBEH was unfaithful and now says I can sit tight for five years.

For what reason would he need to remain wedded to me?

I don't know where to begin.

I have my first meeting with a solicitor one week from now.

Vanillarose · 08/03/2018 13:59

Thanks for you Supa. That's a double slap in the face. It must be a control thing - I know that's what it is for mine. Can't you divorce him for unreasonable behaviour?

Supa3girl · 08/03/2018 20:23

Much thanks to you Vanilla.

I truly dont know how I feel about divorce. It's all so appalling.

Gordonbennit · 09/03/2018 13:40

I'll join please....my STBX gets his keys next week - we've 3DS 8,5 & 3 shitting myself telling them - iv wanted to split for years as he's a very negative person and this has creeped into every part of our life! It's so tiring, iv already mourned for the loss of my relationship but the practicalities of getting him out are painful - I feel so guilty for breaking the family up I feel sick, then next min I remember how any times he was a wanker with me or with kids and I'm glad he's going - then I'm guilty again then I hate him again etc etc

Flowers to all of us - it's just so hard isn't it

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