Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

@RoseMartha it gave you a taste of what the future will be like without him in it. The calmness of you and the dc, the fun you had, the ease at which the day went by.
It's horrible that dc heard it, and that he didn't think of the effect on them. Mine didn't either and still doesn't take any responsibility for ds's anger or dd's sensitivity.

Good luck with solicitors meeting. I've arranged one for 31 Oct, I couldn't get one for this week but it gives me a full month of him being gone and a clear pattern of his behaviour in the meantime too to be armed with. I've asked repeatedly that he doesn't discuss arrangements for children in front of them and he does, there's no such thing as advance notice about anything.

On Sat dc had birthday parties to attend, when both were up, bathed, dressed and ready to go he text to say he could take one to one party. Then Sat eve announces he would have them for the day on Sunday, again had already dd told about the day so that I would be the bad guy for refusing.

I want structure for me and the dc, I've had nothing in writing regarding sale of the house, and he's erratic with timing & amounts he puts into joint account so it needs sorting out
My evenings with dc are so much more relaxed without H in them, there's no pressure to be doing 'jobs' all the time, and yet everything is getting done too. The pace is much nicer.

I used to envy my db and his wife that their life was much more chilled than me, I felt like a hamster on a wheel that couldn't get off.

I suppose it's because he's actually participating in the parenting now which he didn't do when we were together, and I don't have to live up to his expectations of what needs doing now but can decide on my own.

@tiddleypops that's horrid, you're on sofa too aren't you? Is he still cleaning?

@mammynowanauntyIRL, it sounds like you are slowly getting there. You have some space now at least and the whole atmosphere must feel so much better. But he is allllll over the place isn't he?! Yes, it all definitely needs pinning down, no one knows if they are coming or going!

I'm in my DSs room, which is better than the sofa at least. Another benefit I've found, is that I can't hear the telly or H going back and forth to the fridge all night long getting beers. I'm sleeping better. Would love to know what's going on in his head, he has made a couple of references to us not living together which means he actually listened to what I said, but hasn't said anything concrete. Maybe he's planning to get me out the house?! (Ha! Good luck to him!)

That's right in a bunk & @RoseMartha is on sofa because h doesn't accept what's happening.

I'm happy he's moved out & that I've comfort at home now. Not knowing when dc are home is irritating though, I feel he's making a stand & trying to put forward an impression of this great dad that never existed before & that he won't maintain. I just want something concrete for me & dc. It's control through the dc now.

@Tiddleypops he must be trying to guard your reaction to living apart to see if he can tug at your heartstrings one last time.

@Tiddleypops and @mammynowanauntyIRL
Thank you both.🤗

I hate the mind games they play, mammy i can see he is messing you and the kids about. It is not fair. They all seem to want it on their terms, probably the control thing again.

Egg shells wise, i have been walking on them with him for years. Although is worse now than it ever was.

I thought about sleeping in the bed when he was away but decided it would confuse the kids so i didn't. Looking forward to getting a bed. It was a taste of what it could be like when it is completed.

Tiddley sounds like you are making a small amount of progress. 🤗 but must be so hard with him at home all the time.

It definitely gets worse before it will get better Rose hang in there though because the future is brighter.

@RoseMartha, I know how you feel. I really relish my time in the house without H but it almost makes his return feel even worse. I too feel I've been treading on eggshells around him and even more so now. I don't even feel like I can have a good cry and relieve some of the emotions, I'm just sitting on them. I hope we all get there soon

@Tiddleypops sending 🤗🤗

And

@mammynowanauntyIRL 🤗🤗

I am beginning to get anxious now as he is due home. 😕🙄

Was it eventful @RoseMartha

@mammynowanauntyIRL no i stayed out the way. But he has today off so keeping out the house when i could really do with being in.

How is everyone?

That sucks having to avoid your own home

Hi All, I've been lurking here for a while in the middle of my own separation battle with a H who is not really interested in engaging or moving ahead (probably the marriage in a nutshell really!🤔) As someone on this thread says there seems to b a standard script that they all follow and what suits them is the only priority. It seems like such a slow process to move forward when he is not looking for solutions but I am finding inspiration in the strenght and resolve of others here and it is helping me to see that even slow progress is progress all the same. Thank you all

@RoseMartha, I've done the same this morning. I got 20 questions about where I was going and who with 🙄 Hope you managed to enjoy some time away from the house 🤗

@Demented101, welcome to the club. Yes it all sounds very familiar! They definitely work to a script. Hope you get somewhere soon

@Demented your username just sums it up perfectly.

I felt that things were moving very slowly at first but now 7 months on, he's out of the house, nothing else is sorted but sure it's a step in the right direction. It could easily have been 17 months though because until he messed up and I got safety order nothing was changing.

@tiddleypops & @mammynowanauntyIRL
Thank you. It's a strange club all right. I think there will be no early resolution for me. He is more passive aggressive than anything. We have just passed our first anniversary for living separately under the same roof! We have agreed to sell an investment property to get equity to make a move but that's all that's agreed. I'm feeling anxious all the time as it's so hard to plan for the future and I'm worried about what the dc have noticed already. In the meantime he is running up debt and that could make it hard for us to get a suitable place for him (hopefully!) to move into. I just look at him and feel so angry that life is simpler for him when he only thinks of himself. He knows I want to make things easier on the dc and that means I have to be considerate to him in some respects

demented that's exactly what I wanted for children not to know until they needed to but he took that as an opportunity to just ignore the situation, are you pushing forward with selling the investment property as he probably won't. Is he running up debt in his own or joint names?

Hi Guys. I haven't been on here for a while - so not up to date with everyone's stories. I hope you are all ok? I'm still living under same roof here too - luckily at least I am in the spare room so not on the sofa like some others here. I'm struggling to keep going at the moment - just have very little energy left but we are very near the end I think and I feel now I need to have my wits about me more than ever - but am exhausted.
ExH still playing the guilt trip on me all the time - pleading poverty and how I am ruining the family etc etc. Have just also discovered he's been seeing a new women (for some time it would appear) so all the decisions/guilt/anxiety I have felt towards this situation have been based on lies.
I knew he was a liar before - but he's still catching me out and I have to say I hate him for it. I wish I could just flee - but for all sorts of reasons that's not going to work....
I'm back to not sleeping or eating much.....guess I just need some support to help me get through the last bit of this S**t.

@iamthrough imagine all of us supporting you through this, what family/friends/support agency support have you got at the moment? I got in touch with the women's resource centre about three weeks ago before I was in court with H and the lady there rings me about once a week, it's great that someone is checking in on me and I don't feel guilty just talking about me as that's her job to support women in difficult circumstances.

Remember the initial reasons for separation and that they are not your doing, he has moved on to someone else, he should enable you to be free of seeing him every day, it's not good for anyone

@Iamthrough hopefully seeing how he will use your conscience and empathy against you will give you the strength to get through to the end. You are stronger than you realise. Take the time to be kind to yourself and as mammynowanauntyIRL says, gather what support you can around you

@mammynowanauntyIRL Yes, we are selling the investment property but as the tenant has been there a while we had to give a good bit of notice. That's pretty much all that has been agreed. He is running up debt in his own name but I think as there is no separation agreement in place it will probably be counted as marital debt. I have some savings in my name in the children's allowance account which I'll probably have to use to offset debt a bit. The uncertainty of knowing where I stand financially is head wreaking! How have things settled down with you and the children now?

It’s amazing how different things are here, seems that family debt in my name is my responsibility here.

@mammynowanauntyIRL are you in Ire? I am in Rol. Haven't got legal advice yet as we have mediation lined up for the end of the year. I hope he gets to keep his debt! I'm pretty sure there are some charges on his private credit card he doesn't want me to see!

I am yes.
Waited for mediation for 5 months for him to lose his temper & walk out of second session & leave me back at square one! I’m meeting solicitor again week after next & will know more then I guess.

? Hello- does anyone here have experience of deemed service through texts?

STBX has text saying why he refuses to sign when I asked why he hasn't!

He has the papers has said he will sign, even via text he has said "Im not refusing" at my wits end with thi s man

The wait for mediation is so long isn't it. I'm not overly optimistic about it for us either.
At least you have made some progress with living separately and hopefully some more when you talk to your solicitor. Keep taking every step in the right direction and you'll get there