Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

@Demented101 it depends on what part of country you're in, h delayed ours quite a bit. Think in Dublin it's much longer.

Can you ask him when @Sloulou88

@iamthrough it's so flawed!

Yes, dragging it all out like this just gives more opportunities for playacting around all the issues of children and money. That probably suits them but doesnt do much for an amicable and honest separation

@Demented101 I heard through grapevine months ago that we were separating but that it was grand as we were still good friends at the time he still hadn't told his grown up children & we're far from friends, we weren't even speaking

@mammynowanauntyIRL I think they operate in some strange parallel universe of their own. Truth is kind of relative. Mine is doing Dad and Man about the house of the year at the moment and I feel like Im living in the twilight zone with him😁 Im guessing you can do without friends like him?🙄

Yep for sure. He cancelled time with dc, as he's ill, said he went to out of hours doctor & got an injection to stop vomiting. Dd was even surprised said sure he never goes to doctors we had a lovely day out without pressure of having to be home for them to go off with him. Had to cancel meal out with friend but wasn't set in stone anyhow.

At least you dont have to nurse man-flu! Mine is out tomorrow and I'm looking forward to having the place to myself😁

Woo hoo didn't even think of that
Just what a lovely stress free weekend myself & dc will have

Enjoy that time x

Hi all sorry been awol difficult few days. @iamthrough 🤗 you have my sympathy.
@mammynowanauntyIRL Glad you had a good time.

@Demented101 Enjoy the time

I have had lots of issues with h's actions and words this week. Playing his usual games, it is the lies which really get me down and on top of that he has given me a guilt trip again, then says one thing and the next breath contradicts himself.

Hi all, i have been awol too.
My issues now lie with the dc. Now some time has passed they are starting to struggle with the access arrangements. They are finding going back to the family home at the weekends very unsettling, to the point where they feel without a home. This ia breaking my heart. I don't think he even notices, I knew this would be an issue but he just wouldnt see it, so the start of every week is now having to resettle them. Eldest ds is seeing a counsellor at school, the youngest 2 are floundering, mixture of tears and tantrums and eldest dd is refusing to see or speak to him. I feel overwhelming guilt for placing them in this position and I know in time they will make the transition but it's really hard watching them struggle. The new house doesnt feel like my home so it couldn't possibly feel like theirs i suppose but I had hoped I had done what i could to ease it.
I don't think he will initiate divorce so i understand what you are saying @demented about the finances. I don't know what he had in the first place so i am sure by the time any financial settlement rolls round he will have all well sorted.
Its just a nightmare isnt it ? I thought getting away from him would relieve the stress but its still there just at a different level 😟

Hugs everyone 🤗 I hope the weekend has been bearable.
I like the twilight comment @Demented101! Sounds like my house some days, when H will suddenly take it upon himself to be a different man, doting father and picking up some of the chores. Never lasts long.

I should have predicted it, but H is cruising through in complete denial of the fact I asked him to move out last week. Initially he acknowledged it, but it seems to have slipped his mind again Fed up with this now. I'd hoped he would have moved out before starting divorce proceedings, but I'm going to have to crack on with it now. Otherwise he'll never leave.

@Tiddleypops we are still in same house as you know. I really think it would be better if he wasn't it is confusing for kids. They are upset tonight asking if we dont have to split up. 😕☹️😕 i think the fact he is still here is not helping. He told me again friday he is not moving out and i can not make him. 🙄😕 There is only so long I can manage without a bed. It is so hard isn't it?
You can start the proceedings they for me seem to be taking ages. We still havent had the decree nisi through.
I am now wondering if it would be better to sell the house. 😕

It speaks volumes, doesn't it, that your H can so easily disregard what is best for the kids while you do all you can to try and keep things together for them I just can't understand it.
I think this is part of my worry. If i go to a solicitor then he will probably get legal advice and decide to stay put But then again, he seems to be doing a good job of staying put anyway.

On the other hand once you have been to the solicitor and put the wheels in motion it might encourage him to leave.

I think the reality of the situation is dawning on my h . I think he is panicking about living on his own and doing things for himself and affording it after having to pay cm. And having the kids on his own. ( contact not agreed yet either). Also he is now trying to get me to say we will stay together by making it all my fault and not taking responsibility for anything. Not that he took responsibility for anything before but is trying that tactic again, week before it was bullying tactic. 😕🙄

I can see the manipulative behaviour now, which doesn't go down well when I do not obey to his demands, therefore he gives me the silent treatment or verbal aggression.

@CannotFindAUsernme I hope your dc start to feel better soon. Its no small undertaking for you to create a home for them from scratch but I'm sure you will. You are obviously the one that has awareness of what is going on for them. Small things can make a big difference in making a place feel like home. I wish ye lots of new happy memories in your home.
@Tiddleypops It sounds like you dont have much to lose by going to a solicitor. Sounds like it will be slow progress with him either way
@Rosemartha that sounds really difficult with the children. I can imagine its confusing for them when he is still there. The thing is it takes 2 parents to act like adults to make it easier for them... I hope you get a bed soon!
Weekend was OK. He was out today but then home doing fun dad routine before bedtime. Thing is, it often ends in tears or fights. I dont know what my dc make of it all really. I had hoped we could answer all their questions about practical stuff when we tell them. They have stopped asking questions about the sleeping arrangements but must wonder at some level whats going on...

@Rosemartha sounds healthy that you are looking at the relationship with some detatchment and not allowing yourself to be manipulated. That is obviously the way things have worked for him in the past and he isn't liking the changes. Im very much in that mode myself and am starting to see how much of myself and my energy I had lost in this relationship

@RoseMartha it's amazing how our eyes are opened to this behaviour now whereas before we put it down to a bad mood, or bad day at work or various other excuses!

@RoseMartha, he's flipping between different types of manipulation by the sounds of it - one method fails so he'll try the next. He's read the script! It's good that you are recognising it. As you say @Demented101, they have sucked so much energy from us.

I am still finding myself falling into doing what I believe he expects me to do (or not do). I'm mixing it up with trying to be fair and reasonable (which he definitely is not). It's a learning process though. I'm going to see the solicitor the week after next.
We'll all get there, we are going the right way

tiddley me too, I've even held off on some decisions as I would usually have consulted him before making them!

And even when I did consult him about them it was my input that made the final decision anyhow but I suppose it's just habit and we've to make new habits.

New thread
thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2) www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3402371-support-thread-for-those-divorcing-against-stbex-wishes-2

What exactly is the question here?

@MissTeBe

"I decided I couldn’t change him so I changed myself"

Sounds like you didn't get your way so you created an excuse to justify your actions