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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

999 replies

Onlymeeeeee · 18/02/2018 19:13

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

OP posts:
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iamthrough · 18/03/2018 23:20

Hey there. How's everyone holding up? Another week gone by and I'm still surviving although feel like I'm hanging onto my sanity by a thread. @rosemartha your STBX sounds like mine. Try to stay strong this limbo period can't go on forever can it? @gordonbennit Have you told the children yet? If so hope it went ok for you.

RoseMartha · 19/03/2018 07:13

@unravellingfast and @iamthrough. Thank you. Hoping your day today will be ok. Taking the next step is hard but I need to contact solicitor and tell her to go ahead. I am scared it feels like taking a step into the unknown My oh is on a day off today so things will be generally awkward as I don't work today either. Hoping not going to be a school snow day and I will make myself go out while our child is at school.

mammymammyIRL · 20/03/2018 09:17

Wow are we all married to the same man?

3 weeks ago today I finally made the decision to separate, and told H 3 days later, he's been suggesting it shoving it in my face in many arguments during the years. He flips currently between being ultra reasonable and how he's going to destroy me with all he knows about me and that I'll be left without house or dc. Fantasy because there's nothing to destroy me with. He's convinced there's someone else, never mind the fact that because of him I'm not even interested in looking at another relationship.

This weekend was a long weekend with both of us off for 3 full days.

Like others here, still doing cooking/shopping/washing as don't want dc to know anything until there's something definite to tell them ie Daddy is moving out or we are moving out. Separate rooms but he had initiated this a while back in an attempt to punish me/another of his outbursts.

If he could be as nice and reasonable and obliging as he is being this past few days all our relationship and marriage we wouldn't be in this situation but I'm not going to fall for it.

mammymammyIRL · 20/03/2018 09:19

Work is my sanctuary at the moment, I don't have to deal with what's going on while I'm here.

Borris · 20/03/2018 13:46

You know it's over when you spend longer and work doing bits and bobs rather than leaving on the dot to go home

Borris · 20/03/2018 13:47

Mind too suggested separation multiple times until I agreed. Now suddenly he doesn't want to

mammymammyIRL · 20/03/2018 14:07

borris it used to be a thinly veiled threat to me, I suppose a bit like the boy who cried wolf scenario.

Borris · 20/03/2018 22:42

Yes I agree. I think the separation threat was used as a form of control. As before I'd back down to try to keep the peace.

UnRavellingFast · 21/03/2018 00:17

@mammymammyIRL

He flips currently between being ultra reasonable and how he's going to destroy me with all he knows about me and that I'll be left without house or dc. Fantasy because there's nothing to destroy me with. He's convinced there's someone else, never mind the fact that because of him I'm not even interested in looking at another relationship.

Ditto ditto and ditto! My god we are all married to the same person. Back on the EA thread which brought me to sanity and strength back in the day, we all realised the same behaviours were being carried out by all our not d Hs. And so it continues! I am sad that others are suffering but strengthened by these similar tales as it reinforces my sometimes shaky resolve.

mammymammyIRL · 21/03/2018 10:35

unravellingfast definitely strength in numbers

Borris · 21/03/2018 16:02

I agree. Hearing about others gives you strength to know it's not right. Why is it so easy to see in other people's relationships and so hard to spot in your own?

RoseMartha · 21/03/2018 16:34

Yes it's sad others have this situation but good to know not alone.

iamthrough · 21/03/2018 22:46

So...i'm beginning to loose my mind with all the mental games he's playing. I'm trying to trust my instinct to tell when he's lying (he's lied about so many things during this process) How many times did he lie to me before??? Am I imagining all the gas lighting?? What about all the emotional manipulation.... is that all him or is some of it in my own head???? Anyone else having trouble sorting the reality from the B.S.???

mammymammyIRL · 21/03/2018 23:04

@iamthrough have you gone through any of the checklists for emotional abuse lately, can't think of any link now but there are some out there, they might help show you that it's not in your head

Dhalandchips · 22/03/2018 06:53

It's nice to know I'm not alone...Flowers

RoseMartha · 22/03/2018 09:06

Iamthrough yes only yesterday he tried to pick a fight told me he has done nothing wrong. When I mention couple of reasons he denies and twists. I don't want to get into discussions with him as he doesn't listen or think he has a problem and I don't want to discuss when dd is Home. He cornered me again yesterday for a chat and made me feel intimidated as he is taller and I was then trapped as it were in the room as he was in doorway.

Borris · 22/03/2018 10:02

Yes. I feel like I'm a terrible mother and not good enough for our dd as he's told me that so many times. Now I'm really struggling to parent. Don't have the confidence to uphold boundaries. I feel like I'm no good for our dd and that our relationship will just spiral downwards Sad

outabout · 22/03/2018 11:06

@Borris Ignore what 'he' said about your parenting skills (not easy I know). Is your dd fed, clothed and as happy as your situation allows? Probably. Everyone can wish for things to be 'a bit better' and it it is certainly worth working towards but not quite making it is not a failure. Tomorrow is another day when you might have the opportunity to do something a little different and which IS better.

Borris · 22/03/2018 11:39

Thank you out Yes she's all those things. But is also a strong willed and determined little girl. A very different personality to me and sometimes I feel overwhelmed by her.

I'm hoping that the move to the new house (a week today we move in) will allow us to start our own rules. And hopefully I'll feel stronger at enforcing my own boundaries that I believe in, rather than his that I didn't always agree with

iamthrough · 22/03/2018 12:14

Yes - ditto to lots of the above comments. I too have totally lost confidence with the kids - particularly the eldest DS who appears to be taking every opportunity to get angry - but being teenage (14) that might have been the case regardless of what's happening at home.
@Rosemartha - yes I too have been "blocked" either trying to leave or enter a room - not by violence but by shear physical presence.
I don't necessarily think my STBexH is abusive - but some of his behaviour certainly has traits of it - it makes me so sad that the person I've spent many years with is now frightening to me. All because I had the audacity to suggest things weren't perfect. Love this thread - make me feel not quite so alone. Smile

iamthrough · 23/03/2018 12:17

So..... have just found out for sure that I'm being emotionally manipulated. Should of trusted my instincts all along... Bd! Just can't understand why this is happening - it's like these men read a book on how to behave appallingly - and they ALL do it!! Don't think I'll ever trust anyone ever again!!!!! [SAD] Question is - how do I now get out of this situation without ruining my childrens future lives! I will still need to work with this man in co-parenting whilst at the same time not be able to trust a word that comes out of his mouth!!!!

potatoes13 · 23/03/2018 12:49

F

mammymammyIRL · 23/03/2018 17:05

@iamthrough what happened?

Helpnow1 · 24/03/2018 09:19

Hi, please can I join you? So many of your posts resonate with me. Told H wanted to split up about 3 weeks ago, had 1 session at relate this week (my stupid last attempt to see if he might understand what I was talking about - was horrendous) and told the DCs last night. H is making me feel furious this morning, being all friendly, perfect husband and father, except he really isn't...

outabout · 24/03/2018 11:30

@Helpnow1
I see a vast difference between wanting to split up because one or the other is 'straying' or actively causing disharmony, and a situation where you are perhaps drifting apart, either due to illness or general changes in daily life patterns and you are not as close as you were previously.
If things really won't work it is best to let it go but taking a wider and an honest view from both sides, what are the actual difficulties, and what could be changed to improve matters.
I was told that 'you had changed' but then the next statement was that 'you never change', which makes things a bit tricky to unravel.