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Does it get better?

(1000 Posts)
Mambot Fri 18-Aug-17 11:19:35

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

pingu73 Fri 18-Aug-17 11:30:16

I've not had that happen to me but I have been through divorce and it will get better it just takes that annoying word...time.
Can you take some emergency leave to give yourself some head space xx

Newlifeisstarting Fri 18-Aug-17 11:36:54

Mambot, it does get easier, although this time last year I would not have believed anyone who told me that. I had to go no contact with my ex husband, the split came completely out of the blue, and he's made sure everyone thought it was my fault etc... funnily enough they all think he met his girlfriend after the split, he'd been having an affair for years. I no longer have any mutual friends, it was too difficult, I have a couple of trusted friends (people he didn't like!) who know him for what he is!

Life isn't easy, But there are more good days than bad, things happen, I deal with them and move on. I saw my ex last week for the first time in nearly a year - it's amazing what the distance does! He was boring, rude wearing clothes that a 19 year old would think twice about, huge beer gut and didn't seem that happy. I was pleased to walk away with my kids to my home and my life at the end of the day- I never thought that would happen! You are far stronger than you imagine, look after your little one and try to make a new better life.

Oh and I haven't cried over him for a whole two months now!! So there's hope.

Mambot Fri 18-Aug-17 13:25:28

Thank you both, yes I've been told time is a great healer as well but it worries me when I seem to get worse. Sadly I'm just hourly paid so can't afford the sick days.

Newlife, I long for the day I can look at him and feel nothing at all, I am also trying to avoid seeing him, my mum has agreed to drop my son off for visits so I don't have to see him and my family have taken charge of all the emails over arrangements, because his controlling attitude and nasty comments always upset me. He sends them late at night too so I always sit there dreading if tonight will be the night for one.

It helps me so much to hear that people have been through it, and come out the other end. I don't mind if it's not easy to be a single mum, I just want to know that one day I'll look back and think 'good riddance' xxx

Viking64 Fri 18-Aug-17 13:59:21

One day at a time.old cliche but so true.anger when controlled can get you through it does for me.don't feel sorry for yourself and fall into the trap of comparing yourself to her or feeling I don't deserve this it will only make you spiral down.time is the only way you can't run around the pain you have to walk through it.the grass is seldom greener but that's not concern you deserve better.never be someones plan b because plan a didn't work out remember that good luck

Passthebiscuitspls Fri 18-Aug-17 16:13:48

It really is just one step in front of the other. Day by day. That's how I survived. I actually didn't think I'd survive it. But I'm 7 months on and I'm already seeing that I will be better off without him. Mine had an affair and is now living with the OW. Denied it all obvs.

I'm setting up a new life now with the kids and that's something positive to focus on. Divorce is nearly complete. And I know I'm going to be ok. 7 weeks in, I was still surviving on 2 hours sleep at night and in the wave of blind panic about my future.

Keep going lovely, you've got this! X

HipsterAssassin Fri 18-Aug-17 18:45:38

Poor you, OP. You know what, 7 weeks is nothing

Try and aim to detach from this loser.

Take a day off work and treat yourself as you would a best friend. Maybe just sleep and watch crap telly. Or go for a long walk. Or both.

flowers

Your doing fine. You really are.

HipsterAssassin Fri 18-Aug-17 18:46:58

Mindfulness is also really really good. It gets you from moment to moment. Which is all you can really do right now.

More flowers

SR83 Fri 18-Aug-17 18:47:40

It does get easier! Hang in there, it won't happen overnight but you will soon come to find he has done you a favour. You deserve better. Concentrate on making yourself strong for you and your little one

butterfly56 Fri 18-Aug-17 19:43:41

If you can go no contact that would be the best way forward. I did this and I was a mess but it did get easier over time.

Viking64 Fri 18-Aug-17 21:14:11

That's right about no contact. My wife left 4 weeks ago. She rang me last week because she thinks we can still be friends. I told her to not contact me unless there's an emergency. It choked me but it's the only way I know how to move forward.

Startoftheyear2017 Fri 18-Aug-17 21:16:30

flowers

Mambot Sat 19-Aug-17 08:48:50

Thank you for all your replies, I keep scrolling through to help me remember and it all helps a lot x

Is hard for me to imagine that the new life can be better than the old, as me and the ex never argued, had a really good relationship with lots of love and laughter. I can't see anything topping that as it was the happiest I've ever been.

Today I'm getting really worked up about all the friends I've lost since he started slandering me. I can't help but think how people can be so dim not to see past the situation (man leaves partner and toddler to go off and be a bloke in early twenties again, but it's not his fault it's all on the terrible partner etc) and actually believe it.

I hope there's some karma for them.

Mambot Sat 19-Aug-17 08:50:08

By them I mean crappy exes, not the friends. X

Viking64 Sat 19-Aug-17 09:12:16

But how good were the friends in reality if they've dropped you so quickly without even getting a balanced view of what occurred. It can hurt If you let it bur superficial friends are not worth your pain

Newlifeisstarting Sat 19-Aug-17 13:32:34

Mambot, it's hard, but you will get through it. I felt really stupid as I thought I had a brilliant (24 year) marriage. Up until the night before he decided to leave I was convinced we were ok, actually better than ok! We had been making plans for a long haul trip etc etc. This was probably the reason it was so shocking.

The friends thing is tough. A lot of our joint friends dropped me as in his area he's very well known, and I know realise a lot of them like to sit in 'reflected glory' - well, if they're that shallow they're welcome to it! I did discover something shocking 6 months later, that 2 of our best friends had known and enabled his affair for years, it took a while to get over that. I am slowly making new friends, it's hard (especially as we work in the same field), as I think I have trust issues now (hardly surprising) but in another way it has recently become quite liberating!

Just take one day at a time, your life will become better, it's just hard to see it now as you're still in shock. PM if you want to talk.

Mambot Tue 22-Aug-17 21:35:43

Viking you are right, they can't be that good a set of friends anyway. I think loneliness is a factor in it as well - my evenings after the little one goes to bed are quite lonely now.

Newlife, I appreciate your support. 24 years and then doing that, must be an horrendous pain. Did your ex show signs of regretting it in the past year?

I can't imagine getting to a year on. I feel like theres nothing to look forward to at the moment. I don't get to spend time with my son because of work, I cant afford to rent or buy a place and I can't see anyone wanting to be with me, or I with them.

Newlifeisstarting Tue 22-Aug-17 23:41:03

No signs of regret from him Mambot, but he's all loved up with his much younger girlfriend and I suppose the novelty of moving in with her is still there after their clandestine meeting for all those years. Sadly, he doesn't seem to regret the effect he's had on the kids. All's fine, if he's okay.

I can't imagine being with anyone else again, but honestly it gets easier. I'm still in survival mode as I've been left with no security or money. I'm being very careful, sadly no holiday for the kids this year, but they've been great, even when they discovered their father has been on an expensive cruise. I am determined to be self sufficient and really take pleasure in the smaller things now, a good book, the odd glass of wine etc. I've moved country, started a new job and started to renovate my falling down house (I might even have real plumbing and electrics by xmas!)

Try to find one thing each day that makes you happy, and find something to do in the evenings! I wrote a journal and took up painting again, whilst watching box sets! It helped numb things.

Viking64 Wed 23-Aug-17 13:26:32

I think the nights drawing in don't help with the loneliness.I haven't felt lonely but in the last few days I've been quite sad and down probably because it's wedding anniversary tomorrow. Wife asked my son if she could make me some food a shepards pie I think and he said absolutely not.I don't believe she gets the pain she caused .quite bizarre but all of us on this thread will be ok.as for finding someone else I think we need to find ourselves first last thing on my mind.if you want a chat just message me anytime mate and we will put the world to right.it's good to talk .

alittlepieceofme Wed 23-Aug-17 20:26:07

I hope it gets easier, my oh walked out on me and our 8 month old on Monday. At the moment I can't see where to go from here. I'm still living in hope that he'll come back but I know he won't!

user1467480231 Wed 23-Aug-17 21:37:08

It does get easier in some ways but as they say " if its still on your mind, it's still in your heart". Quite frankly, I'd love to tie my exes testicles around something rather sharp and painful but you learn to live with it.

My husband of 25 years not only went off with a younger woman, but within a few weeks, made her pregnant AND came out as a transvestite !! It's so bizarre, I've learnt to joke about it..... and at least I can be sure that no one is prancing around in my bras and tights anymore ;)

Seriously though... divorce is hell. Just know that Karma truly exists ;) xx

spottybotty1 Thu 24-Aug-17 00:10:46

I feel the same I left as I was very unhappy and depressed, as your ex may suggest too. but try and reassure yourself that you wouldn't want someone that didn't truly love you...... let them go.That's not meant to be harsh but I'm such a great believer in fate that this gap will create more positive space for your future...... it has me. Stay strong 💐

spottybotty1 Thu 24-Aug-17 00:14:20

A little piece of time so sorry, I'd try and see if he can come back for the sake of you and your son but you must get to the bottom of why he's gone x

alittlepieceofme Thu 24-Aug-17 05:27:44

He said he left because he doesn't love me anymore. Believe me he is adamant he has made the right decision and it's over!

alittlepieceofme Thu 24-Aug-17 05:41:52

He thinks this is the best decision for our ds. He's not even going to try to work things out!

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